Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > General > Helpful Tips

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 30th March 2007, 10:33 AM   #1
nessievan
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Question glubvbvPYwYru

Thread starter deleted

Last edited by Dave; 20th May 2013 at 06:22 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 30th March 2007, 08:07 PM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

It sounds like he is addicted to the practice you mentioned not to mention the porn. No all men do not do this. If I did it I know that it would be taking away from the intimacy I enjoy with my wife unless I was thinking of her, but if she is available what's the point.

The spirit behind male masturbation does not want intercourse. Believe me on this. It's wrapped up in itself and probably porn. I'm not talking about the odd misdemeanor that single males get involved in, but surely all that should finish upon marriage.

Who knows what images are in his mind when doing it. It is a very boring thing to do without the images, so porn is playing a part.

I think he should make an effort to relate to you in every way including physically, get counseling and finish these practices that you are not even part of.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2007, 09:47 AM   #3
isthisworthit?
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Hi there, and sorry to hear that you are having problems. Like yourself, we only managed to sort out our problems this time last year, and again they are rearing their ugly heads (in my case these heads are real) but back to your problems.
I have read somewhere that where a man is used to masturbation and it has been going on a long time, he finds it difficult to come to climax through sex alone as the amount of pressure and friction is not enough, having got used to the greater effect of masturbation. - Does this make sense? I think your husband will need a lot of weaning off masturbation in order to climax just with sex, and will probably need counselling help as there is often a deep rooted reason.
Hope this helps.
  Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2007, 05:19 PM   #4
Rex
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 6
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I hurt when I hear of your situation.

Perhaps your husband is so accustomed to masturbation that he doesn't want to complete the full act with you. When my wife and I first married 8 years ago, she complained about the "mess" that sex caused. I would often feel badly about that and not want to finish the entire act with her. I would offer to wear condoms to prevent the messiness but she was not in favor of that. Although in the back of my mind, I always felt that sex was supposed to be that way. She has not complained about it recently which helps me relax and enjoy finishing.

I would suggest that you and your husband seek out some counseling to work through the issues. You mentioned that he is not easy to talk to so a third-party who is neutral would possibly help. In the meantime, I would just convey to him how you would prefer for him to finish with you vs. masturbation and how important it is to you.

My best regards to you toward a resolution.
Rex is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2008, 05:16 PM   #5
ElizStan
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I have been married 27 years - and for most of our marriage sex has been sporadic. Over the last 10 years we've probably made love no more than 4 times. We normally go for 2-3 years without sex. My husband has always worked long hours at our business, staying late most nights. He'd use so many excuses over the years - he was too tired, etc.

Earlier in our marriage he would want oral sex (never returning the favor) because he said he was too tired for intercourse. Then I got tired of one-sided sex (he's never ever given me an orgasm or even tried) and stopped jacking him off or giving him oral. When we did have intercourse, he would withdraw after about 5 minutes and want to finish off by hand. I begged for him to use a condom so I could feel him finish inside of me, but he said he didn't like the feel.

18 months ago while going through a credit card statement looking for something I'd charged, I noticed items I didn't recognize. I dug back 5 years and found out that he'd spent AT LEAST $11,000 on porn during that time. I realized that he'd stay at work and masturbate to porn. I left him, but came back to him after he promised to go to counseling. He asked me to be patient with him. He read books on sexual addiction and went to a therapist for about 4 months. He said he did not want to sully our love by bringing that side of him into a relationship. He has cut all sexual feelings for me off because he can only be aroused by porn. We still haven't made love and I have caught him masturbating to porn again after assuring me everything was "better". I am 50 years old and still have very strong sexual feelings - the thought of being in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life fills me with dread. But it's so difficult to break with a man you've loved for 29 years......I don't feel that he will ever change - if my leaving him this year for 6 weeks (he was devastated) was not motivation enough to work on this, I don't know what is. But it's such a hard decision.
ElizStan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2009, 05:12 PM   #6
Totally-Relating
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[QUOTE=ElizStan;40467]I have been married 27 years - and for most of our marriage sex has been sporadic. Over the last 10 years we've probably made love no more than 4 times. We normally go for 2-3 years without sex. My husband has always worked long hours at our business, staying late most nights. He'd use so many excuses over the years - he was too tired, etc.

Earlier in our marriage he would want oral sex (never returning the favor) because he said he was too tired for intercourse. Then I got tired of one-sided sex (he's never ever given me an orgasm or even tried) and stopped jacking him off or giving him oral. When we did have intercourse, he would withdraw after about 5 minutes and want to finish off by hand. I begged for him to use a condom so I could feel him finish inside of me, but he said he didn't like the feel.

18 months ago while going through a credit card statement looking for something I'd charged, I noticed items I didn't recognize. I dug back 5 years and found out that he'd spent AT LEAST $11,000 on porn during that time. I realized that he'd stay at work and masturbate to porn. I left him, but came back to him after he promised to go to counseling. He asked me to be patient with him. He read books on sexual addiction and went to a therapist for about 4 months. He said he did not want to sully our love by bringing that side of him into a relationship. He has cut all sexual feelings for me off because he can only be aroused by porn. We still haven't made love and I have caught him masturbating to porn again after assuring me everything was "better". I am 50 years old and still have very strong sexual feelings - the thought of being in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life fills me with dread. But it's so difficult to break with a man you've loved for 29 years......I don't feel that he will ever change - if my leaving him this year for 6 weeks (he was devastated) was not motivation enough to work on this, I don't know what is. But it's such a hard decision.[/QUOTE]


Wow..You just described what I had been going throw the last 4 years of my marriage. I have been married 10 years. I had been asking my husband over and over what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing. I finally found porn on the computers, and confronted him. Exactly the same exact things you described happened to me, I was ready to leave, couldnt stand not having a sex life, and he always said he was tired, excepted the oral for himself, but never returned anything, or couldnt "arise" for intercourse. He says he has stopped, and things have improved but I dont know if I can trust that this is the end with out some kind of counseling. It is so helpful to hear your story. Thank you so much for posting it.
  Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2009, 06:10 PM   #7
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

It has to be totally cut off TR and any sexual relationship mentally or physically should only be with you, as it should be. It seems he is trying which is more than can be said for some. It is a kind of mental adultery and that is why the affects of it can be devastating.

It will take time for the addiction to loose it's hold and he cannot afford to indulge it for one minute as that can be back to square one in no time. There is no substitute for sexual faithfulness.

These things are massive struggles and many marriages have been wrecked through it. In the USA 50% of all divorces feature porn. I should not think the number is much different in the UK.

I really hope he gets the victory here for both your sakes. He needs to really continue fighting it though until he has mastery over himself.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th December 2008, 06:50 AM   #8
Ageing Grace
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I'm completely ignorant of this situation but I have a genuine question.

Supposing a man with the habit, as you've described in your posts, wants to regain (or gain for the first time) his enjoyment of full sex - would it be helpful for his wife to forget about penetrative sex for a while, and engage in mutual masturbation? I realise you'd probably have to teach him how to return the favour, and I'm sure some of you have tried.

I'm thinking it's not so different from the way adolescent boys behave, and maybe 'heavy petting' is the way forward, as it is for teenagers.

I'd value your take
Thank you,
AG
Ageing Grace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th December 2008, 10:19 PM   #9
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

The porn and the MB are the problems here. Nothing you do in the bedroom will help while this is going on. It is really mental adultery. You are competing with all these images in his head. His normal sexual drive has been diverted into this stuff. This is serious business these days. I have read in the telegraph that in the USA nearly 50% of divorces involve porn. I shouldn't think it is that much different in the UK.

Your husband is surely addicted and needs help. He has to want it with all his heart though and accept that it is not right what he is doing. The only anwers I have heard of are through Christ with specialised christian counseling. There may be others but I haven't heard of them.

If any wife is reading this and suspects her husband of using porn confront it straight away. It will be a deadly enemy of the intimacy you should enjoy in the bedroom.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st December 2008, 05:30 AM   #10
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

ElizStan....

I hold no optimism for your situation. I am in a long term marriage with a man I still love.
The last time was 16 years ago this month. It is an anniversary of goodbye to my life as a wife. Counselling for a short time did no good, anger, threats, tears and many long talks through the years and my life has pretty much passed me by.

I also had two really great opportunities within the last few months to proceed into a double life with two really fine men. You would not believe that both approached me on a day I was in jeans, tennis shoes, long hair pulled back in a band and no makeup. That must be a winner look for me. I am called "girlish" by my husband.

Perhaps I have grown used to my life. There is truth that when one stays with a rejecting spouse we enable the pattern.

My husband brought me a beautiful diamond heart pendant when he came the few days for Xmas. I will be alone New Years as usual. He loves my being here. No, he has no wife somewhere else. It might have been better to change the locks and pull in the welcome mat and find some real life but time has passed for that.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 12th January 2011 at 09:40 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 31st December 2008, 10:43 PM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[SIZE=5][COLOR=red]Happy New Year 1Okgal![/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#ff0000]Raymond[/COLOR][/SIZE]
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st January 2009, 06:27 AM   #12
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[SIZE=5][COLOR=blue] Happy New Year, Raymond....[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff] Happy New Year to you and yours. Thanks for all the help you give troubled people and your kindness here is most appreciated.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff] I carried out the trash at midnight BUT I am excited about another year and the chance we all have to make changes in ourselves and help another where we can.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff] Wish we here could meet in the flesh and pat backs as the world could use more wisdom and kindness. There are many here who share some profound truths.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff]God bless.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][COLOR=#0000ff] [/COLOR][/SIZE]
  Reply With Quote
Old 1st January 2009, 06:49 AM   #13
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[SIZE=3][COLOR=seagreen]Happy New Year to my dear friend here, Bambar.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=#2e8b57]I think she monitors but does not post lately. I hope things are better for you and the coming year brings blessings. [/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=#2e8b57][/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=#2e8b57] I often think of you and how your observations and keen wit are such a breath of fresh air.[/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=#2e8b57]Love to you[/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=#2e8b57] 1AOKGAL[/COLOR][/SIZE]
  Reply With Quote
Old 11th January 2009, 07:27 PM   #14
MarkTwain
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 22
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I have written a lot on other forums about this subject. Basically men are wired differently to women. Once a man has ejaculated, he loses all interest in sex for a while. even though he can get another erection quite quickly, he would not enjoy sex all that much if he is over 25 until half a day to two days have elapsed.

When men jerk off to porn, it's the ejaculation that robs his wife of her dues. If you can stop a man wasting his seed in this way, he will eventually get horny enough to start desiring his wife.

I think women in this situation need to get their men to stop all solo ejaculations. If the men continue, they are just being selfish.
MarkTwain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th January 2009, 11:53 AM   #15
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Dear All...
This practice is an ADDICTION as baffling as alcoholism. There is always fantasy involved and porn, either directly, or indirectly. The longer the pattern is set the harder it is to find the way back to real life.

This is a relationshop problem wheeby the man does not have to extend himself for another to meet her needs. He has no fear of failure as in intercourse. When a man gratifies himself so much and then tries to have intercourse he will generally have ED problems. He has more physical sensation meeting his own needs.

The physical sensation is not the same for the man and the fear of failure causes impotency. The time in between attempts extends. The man LIKES the masturbation better than intercourse where he has to meet the womans' needs. It is not about additional sexual gratification, it replaces normal sex.

Ask me, I know. My husband has had no intercourse for 16 years in this marriage.
If you want to have sex, buy a vibrater, find a lover, or get rid of him.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th January 2009 at 05:06 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
None

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is Off
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 07:55 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer