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Old 20th November 2010, 11:21 AM   #16
Helen_uk
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I'm also in agreement with chosen on this , do it for you . In the long term, whatever happens with your marriage you still have to live with you . Go for personal counselling , stop drinking and let him know you're doing this, but ultimately make it for your own benefit .

If he is willing to go for counselling with you that's great, and he will learn there of the steps you're taking, but if he doesn't then continue to go anyway .

He has stayed in contact which is a positive sign but I would think he is going to struggle to believe you if it's been a problem before . Time can prove otherwise .

His friends I'm afraid are bound to take his side and encourage him to walk away if they have seen your bad behaviours when drinking , you're just going to have to rise above that .
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Old 20th November 2010, 11:27 AM   #17
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Just as an aside Birdit you mentioned that your counsellor doubts if she can repair the irreparable. I wouldn't receive that as the last word. No marriage is irreparable provided that the couple are faithful and not having affairs etc. (Even that can be repairable where there is repentance). I just hope you haven't received that and gotten down by it.

It may be that it might not work out but then again it might so you have to try and get to the reasons why it all happened and try and put them right. Even the best marriages need work on them. I am thinking in my mind that when you are under the influence you are not showing respect to your husband which is such an important part of marriage. I don't mean under his thumb just normal human respect.
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Old 20th November 2010, 12:49 PM   #18
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

no, he hasn't texted or called while away, and when he was around, he barely contacted. only one sentance email to ask if i was ok. don't understand how you can go from living together to cutting all contact. how long does it take to decide if you can ever love someone in the same way again??? is it a guy thing? i feel like dying, i miss him so much and our life together. can't bear the future without him.
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Old 20th November 2010, 12:50 PM   #19
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

sorry, i wasn't clear - it's him who doesn't think the counsellor can help repair the damage i've done to his feelings. he is trying to work out if he can ever love me like he did before. but how on earth do you make that decision? either you do or don't, no?
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Old 20th November 2010, 12:52 PM   #20
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

i agree - i hven't respected him. his social life is all important to him and i've wrecked it.
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Old 20th November 2010, 03:48 PM   #21
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

You have only been seperated for 2 weeks, that is such a short time. He clearly wants space to think and reflect, which is why he doesnt want much contact.
I suspect that he does care about you, and may still love you, but he hates the way you act. You can love a person but not be able to live with them. Carry on at counselling, that will take time, and deal with the drinkng.
I would think that he needs a lot more time than 2 weeks, and he will want to see that you have changed, and that the changes will last, before he comes back.
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Old 20th November 2010, 10:36 PM   #22
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

It's not as easy if he does or doesn't. If it was simply doesn't there wouldn't be any hope. He is unsure. He loves you and loves you not. Sorting the problems might help to swing it possibly. As Chosen says maybe he needs the space to think it through.

It's still the drink leading to lack of respect I suspect.
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Old 21st November 2010, 01:52 AM   #23
worldbtp
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Hi,

Just skimmed this, I see comments ref to "stop drinking", but that can be harder for some people to do, so just telling him you have stopped might not actually solve your problem, i.e. to stop or at least stop well before aggressive behavior starts. Think how you are going to do this.... Do something outside the drinking circle, sports, social, dancing, learn a language, anything you have an interest in that doesn't involve drink. Then it's simpler to maintain.

It's easier to say things and not understand how to actually tackle an issue - when a period off it doesn't change things in the other person's view of you, then it's easy to go back on. A split can trigger time off it, but when in the short term you don't get back together, it can creep back. Do what you need to tackle it, then it's going to be easier to keep like that.

Maybe a question to ask yourself that could help in a solution to the drink problem, is why you do it knowing the consequences of too much? Simple enjoyment of the drink, insecurities, peer pressure, needing it to be outgoing etc?

Also bear in mind that if he associates drinking with aggressive behavior then one drink might make him think you'll again go too far. People talk, if you are still visiting the same places as people he knows, he'll find out.

Personal counseling I think can help a lot, it's even better for the person to start understanding themselves as well, ask yourself questions, write stuff down then read it the next day.

Pete.
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Old 21st November 2010, 11:58 AM   #24
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

thanks everyone, will keep you posted. it's the not knowing that is the worst. even when i go out and socialise i feel so lonely, i miss my soulmate and best friend and hate that he doesn't feel the same way :-(
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Old 22nd November 2010, 06:56 PM   #25
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Yikes, just had very formal email from husband (he got back today) asking if i'm free this week to talk. Made me go red and feel sick! I called him and asked if he'd come to a conclusion and that I need to know if it was bad news. He avoided answering and just said "don't say that, we need to talk about stuff".... has agreed to come to counselling on weds but he was quite spaced out and jet lagged. Fear it's just him avoiding actually saying "it" on the phone. I feel sick.
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Old 23rd November 2010, 09:25 AM   #26
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

That's good news Birdit.

A word of advice. Don't try and push him one way or the other at this stage. He is obviously trying to work things out. Tell him you are going to work on the drink problem which leads to lack of respect. This is a good opportunity for you both but do recognise that changes need to happen.
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Old 23rd November 2010, 11:11 AM   #27
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Good that he is going to counselling with you. Have you begun to work on your drinking problem?
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Old 24th November 2010, 11:03 AM   #28
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Haven't had anything for a week...... trying to cut out the habit and it seems to be working so far. Then again, haven't had any social events recently.
Got a text last night from husband saying "his heart isn't really into going to counselling" but will do if I want him to. I said I'd like him to come tonext session but it all seems hopeless. He keeps banging on aboutu whether he can "recover" his feelings for me. Don't see how you can do that if you never see anyone. So, just hope he DOES come to the session tonight - I'm hoping the counsellor will at least be able to try and convince him that we can work this out.
But my gut feeling is that he just wants out.
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Old 24th November 2010, 11:16 AM   #29
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

It may be an idea not to go to places where you feel that you have to drink. Can you see friends but not drink alchohol? Surely your marriags,and your own life, is worth abstaining completely for?
I am sure he will come to counselling as you have asked him to.
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Old 24th November 2010, 01:49 PM   #30
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I am very impressed by your efforts in not drinking Birdit.

It is good that at least your husband will come to counselling because you want him to. I feel you have to win him over somehow. As you say being together makes it possible for the feelings to come back. If you need to put anything right with him then do it but don't be a doormat over it in the wrong way. An apology for your behaviour will go a long way if you haven't done it already. Your efforts in not drinking should be shared also if you get a chance but you need to do it for yourself as well. All this will come out in the counselling I suspect.

I hope it goes well not only the counselling but your time just being with him as well.
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