Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 23rd June 2006, 04:09 PM   #1
rphill9959
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2
Help With Marriage

Hi
I Am 41 And My Wife Is 40 We Have Been Married For 24 Years With Some Minor Problems Throgh The Years. My Daughter And Son Are Both Out Of The House This Yearand I Think That Is Creating A Problem With Us I Think It Is Bothering My Wife Alot. She Is Very Depressed And Has Stated That She Would Like To Look At Seperating Until She Can Think Thing Out. She Isnt Cheating On Me . I Am Trying To Help
I Dont Want To Seperate
We Started Going To A Marriage Conc. And I Think It Is Helping A Little. My Daughter Is Living In England And We Are In Us
Can You Think Of A Wayto Start Mending Thanks
rphill9959 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd June 2006, 05:20 PM   #2
Helen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help With Marriage

rphill9959,

I understand how your wife feels. Not about wanting to separate but about the 'empty nest' syndrome. Last year, I separated from my own husband after 20 years together. My son also went to live in Germany for a year (this was organised before everything went pearshaped between me and my ex). All of a sudden, I was redundant as a wife and a mother. I was so depressed I contemplated suicide - more than once. I had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't see a way forward. The added complication was the fact that my job went to pot for a while. We were restructuring forever and my formerly well established role was up in the air. I also had THE boss from Hell. The last insult was I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. I thought things could not get worse. I was right. They didn't.

I am glad you want to help your wife. That understanding starts with appreciating how she feels. She has spent a long, long time as a mother. This is a major part of who she is - her identity. You need to help her to see that even though the kids are not at home, she is still a mother. But her role will change. She is so much more now - she always was but motherhood has a way of consuming everything. There are many positives to look forward to - making a different life for herself outside her nurturing role. More money and more freedom to do the things she wants to do. And grandkids! Kids that are hers but are not her responsibility! Believe me, when she gets used to doing as she pleases, she will be glad about this! That will be in the future for her and is something to look forward to.

I think part of the problem is you were very young when you married. If I take your ages and your statement of marriage for 24 years at face value, you were 16 and 17 when you married. That is VERY young. It is possible that your wife has some deepseated feelings of missing out on life or 'things' which might not be clear to her. But let me tell you now - if she were single, she would be as miserable as sin and would be even more lost than she is now. Take it from me - I know.

I spent a long time married to a man who I now know was selfish and emotionally unavailable. Yet when we parted, I wanted him back. I was devastated. I could not see a life without him. Now I can but it doesn't sound to me as though you are like him at all. You at least want to work to resolve things. My ex (yes, I divorced him), didn't. So your focus needs to be making your wife aware of the fact that the grass truly isn't greener. Yes, certain things may be more exciting but ultimately, we (men and women) are all the same. She may think she needs to get rid of you to be happy but she doesn't. What she needs to appreciate is she has it within her to be happy - and she has always had it.

Take care,


Helen
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd June 2006, 09:41 PM   #3
TooMuchPain
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help With Marriage

rphill,

I empathize with you. It must be tough for you to see her like this, feel helpless, and have to deal with your own feelings about your future. Cannot tell you what to do, but you are trying. You have recognized the situation and are trying to remedy it. For that I applaud you.

Marriage counselling will help. Your compassion will help. I know being divorced and not seeing my kids everyday is difficult. Could not tell you how tough that would be when they grow up. I am certain I will spend a significant period of my life after they go out on their own worrying.

Unfortunately, you have that along with the pressure of not being able to help her and the possiblility your marriage could end. Once again, I can only empathize with you.

Get creative and try to find things for the both of you to do. Go to a restaurant or show you could not take the kids to. Find things for the both of you that are yours alone.

We live in an age with access to information never thought of even 10 years ago. We have the internet, e-mail, phones via the internet, webcams, etc. Can you afford to buy a webcam for your wife and maybe help the kids get one of their own. She could be at home, not all the time, and still get to see them "Live via the internet".

This forum has given me the ability to go through the ups and downs in a familial crisis. Continue to use it. I read something about 2 weeks ago regarding people who are seeing a person go through crisis and/or loss. The advice was simple. "You don't know what to say. You don't know what to do. So you just show up." That is what this forum will do for you. Show up, as will others, and talk to you when you want.

Eric
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd June 2006, 09:43 PM   #4
Kate
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Re: Help With Marriage

Dear RPhill

There is a good book about the Empty nest years here. It is written by the folk who run this site and they run programmes in the US if you are there.

It is a difficult time for women - going through it myself at the moment. Mums in particular put so much into parenting and then can suffer a bit of a crisis when they are no longer needed in the same way. Also as a couple the dynamics change and if they have neglected their relationship for the sake of the children then the cracks begin to show.

Good luck with the counselling.

Kate
Kate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th June 2006, 02:16 PM   #5
rphill9959
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2
Re: Help With Marriage

My Wife And I Were Both 17 When We Were Married.
I Have Always Worked Hard To Make Us Very Secure And Looked Forwrd To A Long Interesting Life Together.
I Have Created Some Of The Problems Between Us Due To Working And Not Beng Attentive Enough.
But
I Have Always Loved Her And She Stated That She Hasnt Been Happy For A Few Years , Not With The Relationship But With Herself She Is Trying To Find Her Identity I Was Hoping We Could Enjoy Our Good Years 40s Together And Have Alot Of Fun We Have The Money But Not The Love As I See It
Any Help Or Insite As Above Is Helping Thanks
I Will Make It Work
rphill9959 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th June 2006, 03:42 PM   #6
Helen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help With Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by rphill9959
...She Stated That She Hasnt Been Happy For A Few Years , Not With The Relationship But With Herself She Is Trying To Find Her Identity
rphill9959,

There is the problem right there. Your wife is trying to find her identity. I suspect this is all about the kids leaving. For many years, she has been 'your wife' or 'somebody's mom'. That fact that you married young means that she didn't really the time for self discovery that many of us have before we settle down. I am not surprised she is wondering who she is now the kids are grown. I suspect she has been unhappy for a while because she knew this day would come. The kids would go, she would be your wife...and she is wondering what else is out there for her because with the kids gone, I have no doubt she feels there is a huge gap in her life.

I am no expert but it sounds to me as though your wife needs some counselling to explore what establishing an identity for herself would entail. You can sit and tell her that you have money, you can travel, everything will be okay, etc., but she will not be able to see it because her mind is in a bit of a muddle. Counselling will help to sort out the confusion and identify the way forward. 1 on 1 counselling may be best to begin with then joint counselling with you. In the meantime, I wouldn't push the matter with her, beyond telling her you really do understand. And suggest that she has some counselling to try to work through some of the issues in her head.

I know you talk about neglecting your wife in favour of work but I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. No doubt you were doing your best for your family. Your wife's focus would have been the kids so it is possible she didn't view this as neglect. More 'daddy/hubby works hard to provide for us'. Now you have the opportunity to make things up to her. I would tell her how much you love her and want to help her get through this. You wouldn't be any kind of husband to her if you walked away at the first sign of trouble and you have no intention of doing this because you truly do not think this is what she wants.

I hope things work out for you,


Helen
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 07:17 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer