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Old 24th November 2014, 10:40 AM   #1
DogLover2014
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Anxiety in the marriage

Hi, I really need help on where to turn or what to do next.

It's all complex but I'll try to keep it brief. Basically we've been married for 10 years and have 2 young children. 4 years ago hubby had a breakdown from working too much and he couldn't work. Because of this I had to do his job (same office), look after a toddler and house aswell as being heavily pregnant. I think I coped well though and supported him.

A few months later he was better and I started to get depression / anxiety. I took panic attacks all the time. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't look after our toddler, and couldn't take tablets because I was pregnant. I lost so much weight and thought I was losing my mind, it was awful. Hubby supported me, he was brilliant.

We got over that. Then 2 years ago we seemed to really drift apart. I didn't feel loved at all. I felt he didn't love me or wanted me. We only talked about the kids. He didn't seem to care that I was going out a lot more on my own just to clear my head.

I made a mistake with another man. Looking back it was a massive mistake but at the time it felt like it was keeping me alive. I almost felt happy around this other man. Anyway, I broke it off and confessed everything hoping that it would help our relationship change. He was devastated and rightly so. We talked and talked about it and he forgave me.

The problem now is that I still feel really unhappy. I don't mean sad, I mean that everytime im with my hubby he makes me feel tense and anxious. I try to avoid him. I don't know what to do!

I love him. He loves me. And yet I don't feel I can live with him anymore. I think if I stay with him my mental health with deteriorate even more :-(
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Old 24th November 2014, 12:56 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

If you love each other then the problem clearly isnt with him. It may be that you are still slightly depressed. Have you been back to the doctor?
IT may be that you having an affair has made you discontent with normal real life and with your husband, so you must control any thoughts of the grass being greener, because they arent. Affairs can be attractive because they are NOT real life, they are fantasy pure and simple.
Give thanks for what you have, think of the many things you love about him. Be VERY thankful for his forgiveness and willingness to have you back, I doubt I would or could do that.

Please find a marriage weekend or weekly course to go on, and some marriage counselling may help. Also have regular date nights just the two of you. I feel that you are just not communicaiting well.
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Old 24th November 2014, 03:58 PM   #3
DogLover2014
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

I haven't been back on anti depressants since although sometimes I think I should be when I have a bad patch. When I said 'mistake' I didn't sleep with him or anything like that by the way. It was more a supportive friendship going too far.

In some ways I think I told him because I wanted him to leave me. But he won't give me up without a fight which is so admirable. I just find every day an absolute struggle. I can't describe it. If I didn't have my children, I would almost be convinced that ending my life would be easier than live with pain and suffering.

I wouldn't go through with it but this is my daily thought process. I'm just tired of it :-(
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Old 24th November 2014, 05:03 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

When did this start?
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Old 24th November 2014, 06:32 PM   #5
DogLover2014
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

3 years ago when I went through my depression. It's hard to explain. It's like I feel completely trapped.
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Old 24th November 2014, 07:30 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

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Originally Posted by DogLover2014 View Post
3 years ago when I went through my depression. It's hard to explain. It's like I feel completely trapped.

I think its still to do with the depression if thats when it started.
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Old 24th November 2014, 09:27 PM   #7
DogLover2014
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

i never had depression until he left me with too much responsibility with the house and child, I did everything and that's when I broke down and took panuc attacks.. I suppose it sounds like I'm blaming him for it which isn't true although he did say he 'shouldve done more and will always help from now on' which didn't last. Am I looking to blame him for it? Would I have got depression regardless? Would I feel this way if I lived on my own?

No one can replace him, I know that now. But living on my own doesn't really scare me, but our young children living with one parent just doesn't seem right. They should have us both. But at a cost to my health..
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Old 24th November 2014, 09:30 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

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Originally Posted by DogLover2014 View Post
i never had depression until he left me with too much responsibility with the house and child, I did everything and that's when I broke down and took panuc attacks.. I suppose it sounds like I'm blaming him for it which isn't true although he did say he 'shouldve done more and will always help from now on' which didn't last. Am I looking to blame him for it? Would I have got depression regardless? Would I feel this way if I lived on my own?

No one can replace him, I know that now. But living on my own doesn't really scare me, but our young children living with one parent just doesn't seem right. They should have us both. But at a cost to my health..
Thats why you need investigate why you are feeling anxious and trapped around him when there seems to be no real reason.
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Old 24th November 2014, 09:36 PM   #9
DogLover2014
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

That's true. He hasn't been able to go out properly for a couple of years. 'Date night' usually ends up with one of us feeling panicky and having to go home (usually him). When he's anxious I get anxious which is why I hate it. He's had therapy with two different people, I've had none but we're still the same.

Anyway, thanks for replying to me I really appreciate it x
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Old 25th November 2014, 09:55 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

What are you actually anxious about? I see it as a kind of fear, but it doesn't come from God.
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Old 25th November 2014, 10:29 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

if you are both suffering from anxiety it sounds as if you both need help. I had severe depression many years ago with panic attacks so I do understand.
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Old 26th November 2014, 12:21 AM   #12
DogLover2014
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

Raymond, that's a hard question. For me, I have a fear of sickness, germs. I worry about my hubby too. I like to think he's my rock but when he is anxious and weak it feels like I'm on my own. He has panic disorder. He's scared of fainting in public or taking an attack at restaurants / cinema etc.

He doesn't get to church much because of it. Probably for the last 2 years he's been off and on. Our pastor knows our situation. We told him about what id done and he's been great. He made me feel like I wasnt alone when I thought everyone would hate me.

We just have so many issues. Both personally and together.
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Old 26th November 2014, 05:18 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

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Originally Posted by DogLover2014 View Post
Raymond, that's a hard question. For me, I have a fear of sickness, germs. I worry about my hubby too. I like to think he's my rock but when he is anxious and weak it feels like I'm on my own. He has panic disorder. He's scared of fainting in public or taking an attack at restaurants / cinema etc.

He doesn't get to church much because of it. Probably for the last 2 years he's been off and on. Our pastor knows our situation. We told him about what id done and he's been great. He made me feel like I wasnt alone when I thought everyone would hate me.

We just have so many issues. Both personally and together.
Why would everyone hate you?We have all done stupid things in our lives that we regret. Is there anyone at your church who does prayer/ministry?
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Old 26th November 2014, 10:39 AM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by DogLover2014 View Post
Raymond, that's a hard question. For me, I have a fear of sickness, germs. I worry about my hubby too. I like to think he's my rock but when he is anxious and weak it feels like I'm on my own. He has panic disorder. He's scared of fainting in public or taking an attack at restaurants / cinema etc.

He doesn't get to church much because of it. Probably for the last 2 years he's been off and on. Our pastor knows our situation. We told him about what id done and he's been great. He made me feel like I wasnt alone when I thought everyone would hate me.

We just have so many issues. Both personally and together.
Thank you for your reply Doglover. Your problems aren't particularly marriage problems but personal problems which you both have. Starting with yourself this fear of germs/sickness needs to be dealt with. It is alright to have a reasonable concern of germs but a wrong fear does not come from God so you can guess where it comes from. There will be a root of it somewhere, probably in your childhood. Prayer ministry would be a good idea and a good start to getting to the root of the problem as Chosen suggests. Not all churches are skilled at this but there are centres set up for that very purpose who help fill the gap which the churches aren't filling although they should be.

Any healing you have will always be centred on Christ so it is a good idea to cultivate a personal relationship with Him out of which will come any help you need, whether it is direct from Him or whether He will use others who understand that area. If you let us know which area you live in we can suggest a centre where you can get real help. It will be a battle but you will get healed if you persist.
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Old 26th November 2014, 10:57 PM   #15
DogLover2014
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Re: Anxiety in the marriage

Chosen, I know how people look down on 'cheaters', it's one of the worst things you can do.

Raymond, I got a terrible bug right before my anxiety started. I've never been so sick in my life. But your right, my mum is a clean freak and I think she's very similar to me. I also think I have social anxiety. I like being with people but big crowds or groups tend to make me uneasy. So I seem prone to nervousness.

I feel I've gotten further from God. I feel ashamed. I know I've begged for forgiveness and I feel it's been dealt with, I just feel like a failure. Like I'll never ever be good enough for him no matter what I do.
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