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Old 24th June 2013, 10:18 PM   #1
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Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

I have been married for just over 6 years. I am a Christian and have always been prone to putting others first and my own happiness/desires last. This carried over into the dating relationship with my now wife. Coming out of a horrible relationship and turning my life over to Christ, I decided to swing the polar opposite when choosing someone to date. I landed on my wife, a family oriented, smart, opinionated, feisty, and most important Christian woman. All my friends who were Christians told me she was the one and all I needed to do is just settle down and start a family. Whereas my non-Christian friends, who at that time knew me best could see a immediate change in my personality and happiness (not a transformation of the holy spirit being referred to here). I have always been a really outgoing guy, very active, happiness, goofy, and with a heart for people. Shortly after I started dating her this all changed, not for the good. The best way I can describe this is I put on a mask, played the husband and fell in line. Has the month went by the pressure for marriage grew strong and with it the expectation to make it happen sooner rather than later. So, I yielded to the pressure (again a people pleasure, afraid to disappoint) and before I knew it we were married. I remember standing at the front of the church crying (not a typical thing for me - military man) breaking inside knowing that this was the last thing I actually wanted and was not happy in the slightest. But torn with the label I would place on her (bride left at the alter) and the judgments of 300+ in attendance (almost all her guests).

The honey moon was to be as expected, fulfilling for her (was her first) and not for me in the slightest. This carried into our marriage and obviously over time became a source of conflict. As I have never been a player or slept around. But merely unable to separate love with intimacy. Meaning if I truly love (desire to be with, accept, enjoy, connect, communicate, and are best friends) that person, affection in showered on them without holding back. But if it is not there, I do it more out of obligation as if I am just a woman fulfilling their husband needs before he rolls over and goes to sleep while she lays there unsatisfied in every way yearning to have her lover take her, touch her, and satisfy her.
Fast forward 5 years and a marriage that was supposed to be full of happiness, love, and affection was more like a morgue. My heart nearly flat lined and my happiness non-existent. After the birth of my son, which I adore and love with all my heart. I found that nothing changed in the marriage between her and I. I know this probably seems like common sense but with a wife that nagged constantly about how having a child would make her happy, I hoped and prayed it would. But merely shifted to job, house, or my lack of desire for her in the bedroom or in general.

Now comes the stone throwing, so you all know I have experienced a lot of the last year. I began an emotional affair that grew into a full blown one fairly quickly just over a year ago. With a woman that I care for deeply, love without reserve, connect with on a scary level, communicated about everything (including my wife and son), accepts me flaws and all, and loves be without holding back. This is where I open the floor. What is a person to do.... stay married or choose their happiness. I understand and have read my fair share of books, forums, and sat through countless counseling sessions. I know the statistics and what a broken home does to children (as I came from one). But I have to believe that my son growing up in a home that is not full of happiness, laughter, and a mommy and daddy that love each other is just as bad. Maybe I'm wrong, everyone thus far has thrown stones and told me to fall back in line. I am just hoping to hear some unbiased opinions of people that may care enough to hear me out. I appreciate anything that you feel comfortable sharing with me. Thank you in advance. Take care and God bless.
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Old 25th June 2013, 12:00 AM   #2
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Re: Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

Do you want to hear what is right or what YOU want us to say? if speaking the truth is 'throwing stones' as you put it then so be it.God is clearly trying to get through to you. I have seen so many families destroyed because of cheating, many in my own family, and its horrible, tragic and messy. There are may long term consequences. In the Bible it says that God HATES it when men put away their wives for another woman. Now hate is very strong word, and He hates what you are wanting to do, and He is trying to stop you taking this disastrous step.

It maybe true that you shouldn't have married your wife, but you did. You made promises to her before God, and you have no reason to end the marriage. The only reason that we as Christians have for divorce is if our spouse commits sexual immorality. Well you have sadly done that, so she could end the marriage(does she know?) but you have no reason to.

I have no respect at all for women who cheat with other people husbands, so I totally question this woman's morals and integrity. She knows you are married, and she even knows you have a small child and yet STILL she went ahead and committed adultery with you and carried on doing so. How incredibly cruel, mean and totally selfish of her.
Do you realise how serious adultery is in Gods eyes? No good EVER comes of it. I only hope that she isn't a believer acting this way, but remember that God also makes it clear that we are not to be with non believers.
God can not bless such a relationship, and few marriages that start with adultery last for obvious reasons. The enemy is using this woman to tempt you and to try and destroy another Christian family, and you are falling for it. I have no idea how you can lie and deceive and cheat for so long. How can you live with yourself?

So you need to end the relationship for good. No more contact ever. Tell her that you should never have allowed this relationship to start because you are married with a child, and that you cannot see her again..You have responsibilities to your wife and child and you need to be faithful from now on.

You also need to confess to your wife, and to God, for breaking your marriage vows, and get on with being the best husband and dad that you can. You will have to work hard to rebuild the shattered trust but that's what happens when you cheat.

You dont say where you met this lady but if it is at work, then you need to look for another job and get away from her. If it is somewhere else, you need to stay away from there. You are not free to be with this lady, you are married. You are committed to your wife and you need to focus on her and your child. Act as if you love and adore her and the feelings should follow. Treat her like a queen. Think of her and her feelings, and not yourself. If you keep allowing your self to be discontent and resentful you will never be happy. Love is NOT all about feelings.

Go and see your pastor or another trusted Christian man in your church and ask for his support and prayers and accountability as you end the relationship and work on the marriage. Meet with him regularly for support and help over the coming weeks and months, as you end the relationship. Some good marriage counselling together may well help.

You seem to think that being with this lady is the answer to all your problems. Its not. If she can act this way once she can do it again to you. You will be going against what God says and what is right. You know you are. It will only lead to more pain for all involved, especially your son, and eventually for you and the OW as well. There are always bad consequences for our sinful actions.

Last edited by chosen; 25th June 2013 at 12:30 AM.
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Old 13th November 2013, 04:12 PM   #3
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Question Re: Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

If you do stop the affair and be a faithful husband, do you think your wife is capable of truly forgiving you or will you be paying for your mistake for the rest of your marriage?
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Old 24th November 2014, 07:36 PM   #4
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Re: Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

David, Im in a similar situation in a way. Although I 'only' kissed another man (I say only because it wasn't a full blown affair). I couldn't stand the guilt and shame. It was making me stay awake a night. Everytime there was an affair on the tv I would cringe until I just told my husband. I can't tell you whether to confess or not, sometimes it only makes its worse, that's a descision you need to make. But either way, it must stop!

As already been said, you need to stop contact with this other woman. I stopped contact with my other man and asked him never to contact me again. It's hard but your wife deserves that much.

i do feel it for you. Sometimes those of us who screw up get abuse from other people pointing the finger but there are two sides to every story. We all mess up, just in different ways. Ask God for forgiveness. The most difficult part is forgiving yourself too.

I'm still figuring out my situation (see other thread) so I don't have the answers but I can see how this is ruining your marriage and I think you will regret it if you don't stop now.
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Old 12th June 2015, 05:30 PM   #5
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Re: Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

Its a shame that you married this women under false pretenses, she deserved better than that and so did you, but what's done it done. Moving forward, be the best co-parent you can be and be with a person who truly makes you happy. Its said a lot when you cried on your wedding day. That was a huge sign that you ignored and now there is a child in the middle of this to consider.

Don't stay with her because you share a child because trust me, that child knows that the two of you don't really gel, he can feel these vibes, don't kid yourself into thinking that he doesn't. Children are very smart and perceptive. Life is too short to be miserable for a lifetime......he happy, and be a great father.
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Old 5th September 2017, 07:51 AM   #6
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Re: Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

As already been said, you need to stop contact with this other woman. I stopped contact with my other man and asked him never to contact me again. It's hard but your wife deserves that much.
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Old 19th May 2018, 10:24 AM   #7
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Re: Marriage of Obligation vs Happiness

Marriage is important but there must be respect and love. Otherwise, you can't be happy faking your feelings along the way. It's not being fare too as it will only lead to dishonesty and unfaithfulness.
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