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Old 6th February 2012, 11:10 AM   #16
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

Let's hope he gets a bit more time and just does the four days Jan. At least he is aware of it. You do need some me time in marriage. Hopefully it is a temporary situation doing the studying and work as well. Just that little adjustment of only working four days could make all the difference.
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Old 6th February 2012, 06:07 PM   #17
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

i do hope it makes a difference. i am starting to get depressed and not coping well myself now. i think the whole thing has really unsettled me and every time something (argument) happens i just think to myself i have no energy left to give to marriage and just want to give up. but the strength i need to sort out going alone would be too much as well. it just all seems too hard at the minute.
today i was talking on the phone about something - something that was of mutual concern, but which was ultimately my decision to make. when dh heard me saying something he was not happy with he started the ranting and raving while i was on the phone so i couldn't even hear the woman. i ended up having to pass her on to him and explain im sorry i can't actually hear you because of my husband. then she explained the whole thing to him, stressed it was my decision and afterwards we argued about it and he said well he didn't know all the facts. he did apologise in the end but said it was out of concern that i was making the right decision. it just makes me feel de valued and my confidence completely undermined. im so tired of it all.
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Old 7th February 2012, 01:05 PM   #18
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

I don't think going alone is an answer Jan. You have problems of course and need to work through them in your time, not when you or him are stressed out.

Your husband sounds like he is very strong willed. That is not necessarily bad but he needs to be sensitive to you as well and not be so impulsive. He sounds stressed to me and it could be that overwork is getting to him. At least he apologised about the telephone incident so he knew he was wrong.

I would suggest going out and doing something together outside of the home without being under pressure and discover again what it was you loved about each other initially. This is important to your marriage. Time out especially for you two. If you find that difficult to do then you have to ask yourself whether you have not forgiven him for something. Any funny business must be cleared between you first and not sorted out whilst you are out together as that must be a clear time for you to enjoy together.

If he hasn't got time for that then something is wrong with his schedule.

I would also recommend that you look at the book The Five Languages of Love. I am at work now but the writer's surname is Chapman. One of the love languages are Words of Affirmation which may be your one perhaps. I can see that if he worked on this your self esteem would rise and you would feel loved more. I am not talking about flattery here just genuine affirmation of your good points. We all have them.
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Old 12th February 2012, 11:17 AM   #19
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Re: brink of seperation

hi thanks for your words of widsom. getting out together is a good idea..we do try to and wil try to do new things to break up routines etc...he doesn't have much time but we should learn to be efficient with the time he does have. i do find it hard to forgive and move on every time we argue, and this is something we are discussing in counselling. .. he counsellor says he must respect the fact i need a bit more time to deal with things, cry and move on, but he will not respect this because he can get up straight away forgive forget and get on with his day. it takes me awhile to process and release my emotions before i can do the same. he does not give me that time, winds me up more while i am still upset, and i end up even more upset and not wanting to do anything.
this is a hard pattern to break. it happened today...we had a silly argument, he kept going on and on and on, i was crying, he blamed me as i wasn't coping, accused me of being too emotional, not being able to get over things, said my behaviour wasn't normal etc etc. all this got me into a worse state - where i was anxious, crying and trying to get away from him going on in my ear. yet he blamed me for this behaviour when i just kept saying would u just leave it stop talking give me my space. now i am just so drained, upset, tired, been made to feel like my behaviour is way abnormal and there is something wrong with me, don't want to do anyting today as i have no energy (i also have health problems that limit my energy levels, and am caring for a new born so up at night etc) now i will get the blame for ruining the day.
to be honest i just don't have much energy left for our relationship. i do want to make it work, but i have to be able to care for my child, i have to be able to function. this is affecting my functioning. i don't know what to do. am we/i ever going to get through this.
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Old 12th February 2012, 01:00 PM   #20
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

It is a well known thing that those who are good at certain thing are least patient with those who are not up to scratch on those things.

You are a bit like my wife actually Jan and I am a bit like your husband. I was guilty of not understanding and not being compassionate towards my wife. Women are different to men and it takes time to understand them. The scripture says we are to love them and live with them with understanding, so there is no excuse for us really. He will get to that place if he wants to and with God's help.

Actually I am not as strong as I thought I was and my wife displays qualities which are exceptional in the area of compassion and empathy. Empathy is her greatest gift and God uses her in that. That was underneath everything and the flip side was that she does have tears if I badly upset her which I hardly ever do these days.

You husband is being a bit cruel and unloving to be honest. I wouldn't say he does it on purpose. He just thinks he is right but he is not. We all have blind spots. The rule for a man is always to love their wives and he needs to see how he is being impatient and even controlling. I hope all these things come out in counselling. Arguments are not only about who is right or wrong. It matters how you treat the other. It is not loving not to allow you the time to process things and give you the space and love you need. He will learn these things in time if he is wanting to do the right thing like I had to.
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Old 13th February 2012, 08:19 AM   #21
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Re: brink of seperation

hi Raymond

i am glad you are able to see your wifes qualities now and you were able to come to a place of understanding each other more - how long did it take for you both to get into a better place in your marriage?
last night he did come and apologise and said he wasn't even aware of the things he was saying that they were hurtful, that he has no self awareness until way later on. probably your wife is a sensitive person then - she can see the need and feelings of others, but it also means she is very sensitive in her own feelings and emotions as well - i am like that and its hard sometimes i wish i wasn't but i guess it does come in useful as i can see the needs of others emotionally.
oh and yes i have that book about love languages - i actually lent it to my friend a year or so ago, i should ask for it back now lol and say we are in dire need! we have counselling on wednesday. last week was so hard - it was extremely draining for me and affected me the rest of the week, as the discussion did not end in the counselling room. i really hope its easier this week as i feel so run down at the minute. i am not getting to church either and am trying to stay close to the lord in all of this. thanks for being here to support us.
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Old 13th February 2012, 12:25 PM   #22
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

We had that sort of problem mainly at the beginning Jan. My wife would sometimes slam the door and walk around the block. I couldn't work it out as I always thought I was a pretty decent kind of chap. Whilst I would go straight to sleep afterwards she would lie awake at night about it. One night she kneeled by my head and said I am not sleeping so you are not sleeping. Pretty frustrating when I felt my conscience was clear.

A lot of the answer was adjusting to each other and the way each other thought. I thought I had a lot of self control but I ended up shouting at her which she really hated. I think the answers came in moments of revelation about oneself and one's behaviour. A lot a sacred cows (belief systems) had to be slaughtered.

A lot of her anger was because she loved me and had a lot to lose if things didn't work out. She needed close intimacy and lots of hugs etc as I discovered later. Touch has turned out to be her main love language. If I didn't do it it affected her. It is now a natural part of our marriage.

I realise now that I hadn't learned to love properly because of my background and grew up with an independence which didn't really let anyone into the most vulnerable places.
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Old 13th February 2012, 04:55 PM   #23
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Re: brink of seperation

Raymond, that was one of the things that came put in IC for me....My expectations were too high as i was too independent to let myself be vulnerable to someone else. Jan, my H is a also sensitive, a lot of the time I wasn't even aware of the things I was saying was hurting him and belittling him. h has said he has mentioned how he felt lots of time but I didn't really take notice until the ILYB speech. Now, I understand how much I love him and how much emotionally I have to lose. I have stupidly told H in the past that I was quite capable of carrying on without him and do not need him financially. I have been quite cruel about it.
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Old 14th February 2012, 12:58 PM   #24
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

You will be a better person for it in the end when you get fully hold of it MC.

However it will not work if he is still texting OW. That is a dangerous breech that needs to be mended by him if he wants to work on his marriage. He cannot have his cake and eat it. It doesn't work.
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Old 17th March 2012, 07:41 AM   #25
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Re: brink of seperation

hi...
how are you Raymond, MC?
things have just got really bad with hubby and me. i don't know what to do. the marriage counselling was overwhelming - some of it helped, and sometimes it just felt like a place to accuse and hurt each other and opened a can of worms each time. she seemed to focus a lot on the negatives.

anyway the last time we were in he said he couldn't be bothered with it anymore - he is going to go back but the baby and me got sick after that so we haven't been back yet and things are so so hard.

he needs at LEAST one night out a week to stop him feeling down, this week he went out for dinner on monday night but that was 'only 2 hours' and i asked him not to do his night out later in the week as the baby and me weren't well, and also i have had literally no sleep due to the baby for 2 weeks now as she has been going through a difficult stage. he stayed in, but i have received the brunt of it since.

he says he is not happy in the marriage, is bored cos we never go out, (we do, mostly at the weekends and maybe once during the week), feels he can't be himself (ie, take off whenever he wants to to do his own thing), needs to be around a lot of people all the time to stop him feeling down etc....he admits he is depressed at times but refuses to go to the doctor as he says its circumstantial depression, which he blames on my health problems, as i don't have enough energy to give him the lifesstyle he wants. he brings up things that i cannot do every single day - different limitations that i have, - when i tell him this really hurts me and brings me down, he says well it impacts and affects his life too. its all so very upsetting.

i feel that i have been giving all i can give to compromise on different things, to make him happy, to let him get his time out etc etc and nothing, nothing is ever good enough. i do not know where to go from here. we will not be able to get back to counselling for a few weeks as he has agreed to meet his college class then instead. i am so upset that i want nothing to do with him over this weekend - and yet i have to go on...
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Old 18th March 2012, 07:35 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

Sorry to hear that you are still having these problems Jan.

It sounds difficult. You do need good sleep and he does need his time out it seems. I would go along with that and let your need of sleep be known as well. Perhaps go for one good night of undisturbed sleep with his help once a week? He is frustrated and you are tired. It is hard to work on your marriage unless basic needs are recognised

If the counseling is too negative can you change? Is this from your church? Does she pray into your situation?

Can I ask what sort of problems you individually had before entering marriage? Something basic is going wrong it seems to me. I get the feeling some of the problems have their root in things which happened before the marriage. Did you both have stable backgrounds?
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Old 21st March 2012, 06:54 AM   #27
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Re: brink of seperation

hi Raymond

the baby was going through a growth spurt and seems to be over the worst of it, so i have had 2 nights of better sleep which has made a good difference. he has started helping til around 1am - he can't help after that, even if hes off the next day as he just cannot function late at night or early in the morning.

we have had a couple of better days of understanding and listening to one another. we haven't been back to counselling for a few weeks - due to go back next week. it is quite negative - it would be hard to change - its not through the church although its a christian organisation, and there is no praying involved. its for christians or non christians and it doesn't have a biblical focus. we can't really afford to go anywhere else as we are getting this one for free.

there was some problems before we married - i had some health problems then. we had a more active life then and i could do more. since then i can't do as much and he is resentful about this. he is also depressed now as he has been going through his own hard times with work etc. its been a very difficult marriage so far. we are both trying hard now.
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Old 21st March 2012, 08:54 AM   #28
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

Good to here you are now getting a bit of good sleep Jan and glad to hear he is helping a little. You have to accept his limitations as he will be made differently to you.

I feel he is going through an adjustment time. He would have had expectations in marriage and it's not turning out that way quite. That's quite normal but you can still have a good marriage and relate to each other in truth as things are now. Things will get a lot better now that you are working at it. Let him go out a little and do what he needs to do. He is under pressure at work it seems. You don't want a depressed husband. God has a plan for both of you.

Have you got the church elders to pray for your sickness? Jesus is still the healer. Or get hubby to pray for you. Of course you can believe for yourself as well. God is concerned about these things.

I would take the counselling and use the positives there are. If you feel some of it is negative then you don't have to imbibe it. She is giving her time freely and concentrating on your marriage which is not a bad thing.

Try and speak good things into your marriage when you get opportunities. Try and find out what his love language is. Be it words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, touch or acts of service. Someone has to start somewhere to bring the love back.
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Old 22nd March 2012, 09:37 PM   #29
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Re: brink of seperation

Jan, babies take an awful lot out of a relationship. H and I went through a mini rough patch were we seemed to be in 'competition' on whom was tiredest, work the most etc. We were not able to afford a baby sitter most of the time but we did fun things at home; massages, watched rented movies. On good weather evenings we just had a drink outside and talked...these were the best. There were some evenings we just opted to go to bed early for cuddles (not sex) and catch up on sleep. Is it possible you can ask for another counsellor if the current one is not working for you?
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Old 23rd March 2012, 06:11 PM   #30
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

Hi Raymond, MC,

thanks for your replies. Raymond, i have started to accept that he is just never going to be a morning person and just to let him sleep in. but when things are very hard sometimes i find myself i cant cope with the night wakenings and minding baby all day too. He does go out at least once a week if not more. i am trying to cope by bringing my mum in for help and company on the nights and weekends he is working or out but its still hard as i feel i never get a break... when it comes around that he does have an hour or 2 to mind the baby, im too exhausted to go out, and try to rest in the house (which rarely happens). But the last couple of times mum has come, shes taken the baby out on a walk, and i felt like a new person afterwards.
we have prayed many times for me - and hubby tells me he is angry at God because he doesn't believe God can heal anymore, its brought his faith down, and he has ended up discouraged - i think this has contributed to his depression. We both assumed i would be healed. yes the church has helped pray too. i still do believe in healing and that we still should be praying...but its hard to motivate us both to be praying together at this time in our lives. i feel like im holding the family up to God at this time - when the baby feeds in the early hours and i can't go back to sleep, thats my prayer time and for this season, its where the strength has to be coming from.
we have decided when we go back next week, we will ask the counsellor if we can go fortnightly - this will help us process our thoughts and have some recovery time before the next session. we both thought every week was too draining.
i am making effort to speak positive words over him - i think he has lost confidence, and over the past months i haven't helped that as i have not encouraged him due to all the conflict. im complimenting him now on how well he's doing at college, with the baby - etc i know it helps him and im hoping it will be a start to turn things around. thanks so much for your advice.

MC how are you keeping? thanks for your insight, im glad im not the only one who felt the stress a baby can bring! i can relate to the competition thing about who is the tiredness etc that has been a source of conflict! your ideas are good - sometimes making the effort just to sit together and watch a good movie can help rather than both of us running around all the time. i wouldn't like to ask for another counsellor really - i would feel really bad doing that. she is really nice its just we probably have too many problems! we will try to keep going and to keep working hard at it - i just pray the sessions will not be used to accuse each other - any counsellor would find it hard to take the positives from that.

the counsellor does often ask us did we realise what we were taking on when we got married, did we realise what this meant, and also she asks us wether what we have is enough to keep us together. she often asks us what we would like changed about the other person...
i realise all these q are helpful in their own way - but they bring up a lot of raw emotion and would it not be more helpful to ask things like, for example, what attracted you to him, or what do you like most about him, or what does he do that makes you feel good?
what are your thoughts on these? am i just being over sensitive?
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