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Old 24th August 2011, 07:01 AM   #46
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness..

While I don't mean to be unkind, you also can't play the same song repeatedly and expect that your life or your situation will improve. Your ideas are very set and and you are a DOER you told us, but what you seek has been sympathy. That won't help you with coping skills for your situation.

This problem , you said, was of short duration, but a review of your notes and memories says this has been going on longer than a year.
How long has he been working at the canyon? Did the problems start before that or did the problems start after he began to be there for the days? Just trying to see what changed in the last year.

A rehash of your story in response to others' posts deny another poster a chance to be heard, as you have gained center stage again. Somehow the reality of your situation has to be that this is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This situation is not wonderful, but in a sense it should not be a surprise or the ultimate tragedy.

You chose this man with open eyes and knew he had a problem with alcohol. You knew he lives his life selfishly and hardly communicates he is so introverted. He was no scintillating conversationalist nor are there many interests you wanted to share. I find it hard to hit a common denominator that got you coupled! You knew these things about him, but you expected he would change for you. When women do that then she is a FIXER. One who needs the ultimate ego boost, as she thinks a bad boy will change stripes for her. Then, when that doesn't happen, she is disappointed.

I think your h. altered a lot for your life together, but he is still not the domestic type. This is like cornering a mountain lion and then wonder why he has problems sipping tea. Like you, I wonder what makes him tick.

Sometimes I wonder if your man is passive aggressive in his withholding of sex? You don't share a lot in what you both like. Other than TV, is there something else you both enjoy doing together? So either it is a bar scene or it is hours of TV. It is just too bad you can't spend some time being somewhere together where you actually have to talk to each other. Who knows how interesting that would be.
So long as he has withdrawn himself this is going to hurt and cause upset. If you can't get him to see a doctor than he has no intent to change this pattern which works for him. When it is a question of ED there are pills, tests, pumps and modes to work with this and men who do it keep marriages intact and satisfied. It has to matter to him. If it doesn't, than you have to work through your own needs and find some happiness. You have time on your hands until you are employed or work hard to make this business work for you.

I do think you have changed a lot since you came to the forum. The changes are all positive. It is unfair what has happened in the marriage and we can only hope your prayers and social skills can change some of that.

I'm glad you enjoy the creative work. That can take you a long ways so long as you study a bit about the era styles. Like you, I can spend a pleasant time to plan a new project and enjoy to see it completed in my imagination. I have other items so I don't get into a rut and find a good market with my outlets.
Yesterday was interesting, because my area is 100 miles from the hurricane 100 miles from here. There are also two nuclear power stations close by. It wasn't as strong as I experienced in SF but causes one to pause to be thankful for a life that is mostly good.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 24th August 2011 at 03:39 PM.
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Old 24th August 2011, 05:45 PM   #47
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Him working at the canyon has nothing to do with this. He's been up there since 2003. I do not come on here to get sympathy, I come on here to get another posters point of view. Being center stage never crossed my mind. The thing that brought us together is God and the fact that neither one of us is demanding and lets the other do what they want with full support, also we were attracted to one another and still are.

I never wanted to change him and I didn't want to take a 'bad boy' and fix him. It is not my job to fix him or any man I've been with, I have always accepted men the way they are because you cannot change another person. We have a very strong love between us and I understand that you don't get the volunteering and doing something just because you love it but I am very proud of him for this.

I don't need an ego boost, as you call it and I've already stated that there are times when he does talk to me, just not as much as I would like but that's something I just have to accept about him and I have until this ed thing. He is very much the domesticated type, we have been together for nine years and have worked as a unit to create a beautiful home and we see eye to eye on almost everything.

As for going to the doctor, you know from your own personal experience that there are men who won't go and even if they do will not try to work on things. He is not with holding sex as payback or any other reason, he has ed and doesn't want to risk disappointing me, its as simple as that. As Forever said, he is older, nine years older than me and he has to do something with his life so he volunteers and paints once in awhile.

He is retired and he doesn't have to go out and find a job, he had to retire early and this put him in a tailspin because he was used to working. I really don't think the harshness of your last posting was necessary and I was actually shocked to read the things you wrote. It's like you are dictating to everyone how they should post and I wasn't aware that anyone was in charge on this site. I know that is your opinion but if you'd said those things to anyone but me it could have caused a lot of damage.

I have to admit that I was upset last night thinking about what you said and how you said it and couldn't quite believe you were saying those things to me. You yourself have repeated yourself as to what a wonderful life you had before your h starting not wanting sex. I don't consider a few beers once in awhile an alcoholic problem. He is dealing with everything the best he can and he has to deal with a lot, the affects of the economy, getting older and carrying the whole burden of the household.

I don't believe in just putting the whole financial responsibility on the man when you can help with working or whatever. It is a unit, you work together, not depend on a man to take care of you. You know that because you make your own living. I didn't marry him so he would take care of me, I can take care of myself and in time I will again. He has been very generous with money from time to time and does nice things for me, he bought me this new computer I am on now and many times just gives me money to go shopping.

We do have other things in common, we are both big football and basketball fans and enjoy watching it together and even going to the bar for the superbowl party to be with friends. We also enjoy spending time with my family. We used to go out to dinner a lot and to the movies and still go to the movies once in awhile. This isn't about controlling another person or demanding answers.

As a christian woman I don't feel the need to demand anything because that is just forcing him to tell you what you want to know. He usually tells me eventually but I just get frustrated when I am confused. I am confused now because I don't know what you expect me to do now that you've accused me of wanting sympathy and posting too much about my life. What else am I going to talk about?

Aren't we all on here to talk about our life and the problems we are now facing? It was my understanding that this is what this post was for, and now you tell me I'm taking up someone else's time and that I shouldn't be saying what I have said. Are there rules for this thread that I am unaware of? I've already told you that I have decided not to dwell on this so much anymore and you are the one that is still talking about my posts and what I shouldn't be doing.

I think its important for all of us to think carefully before telling someone what to do or not to do. The wrong words, or harsh words can destroy a person and I'm not just talking about me here. A weaker person might not be able to handle it. It isn't up to another person to judge whether my h should go out and get a job or he should do this or that.

God has the power to change anyone, he's changed me already in a couple of months, so it isn't up to us to say this man or that man is just the way he is and will never change and that he is selfish or cruel. I have a good man who is dealing with a lot and the atmosphere around here has lightened up considerably.

I do enjoy making the hats and having my mind on other things but that isn't going to fix any problem I am now dealing with. I enjoy it because it gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment and I will continue to do so because it makes me happy. It cannot take the place of what is lacking here but I have turned it over to God and he alone knows the mind of a man or woman heart.

I am not asking for my h to change, things happen in a marriage and this is just one of them. My posts are about me dealing with not knowing what was wrong and bouncing it off others to get a clearer understanding and this I have accomplished. 1aokgal, you have helped me quite a lot during this time and I do thank you for helping me see that sometimes its good to focus on something else.

I was reminded of the good things in my h through posts on here and also reminded that this isn't an earth shattering thing but it sure feels like it when it first happens to you. You have dealt with this for a long time, many years, I have not and I am just doing the best I can. Don't you remember how hard it was for you at first to deal with this? Didn't you think about it constantly and were frustrated and confused?

I have thought about not posting on here anymore because your words confused me and yes, upset me a great deal, but I need to know from everyone here if I am still welcome here. If everyone feels the way 1aokgal feels then I will find another post or not talk to anyone about it. I don't intend to rehash things that have already happened but I don't want confrontation either or to feel bad about what someone has said.

My email is janlestat@gmail if any poster feels uncomfortable about addressing this subject on this thread. I am not apologizing anymore. 1aokgal, in fairness to you I think that maybe you didn't intend to insult me or criticize me and I've always admired you. It seemed deliberate to me but I am done with jumping to harsh conclusions and sometimes that is hard.
Regardless of what goes on from here regarding this thread, I do want to thank you for taking the time with your advice on the hats.
 
Old 24th August 2011, 06:11 PM   #48
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness , speaking for myself I think it's because it's frustrating that we can't find a way to advise that will help your situation and it's hard to see someone we have come to think of as a friend being brought low by a problem that requires partly , in all honesty , the husband to be able to communicate more.

I don't think anyone is asking you to apologize .

You are so obviously a warm and loving person with a creative streak and I would, as a friend, wish you to have a more fulfilling marriage on the fronts where you tell us it's lacking . For myself I don't post often on your thread as I'm wary of making you feel defensive , nobody is attacking your H , but trying to support you.
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Old 24th August 2011, 07:14 PM   #49
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

My one desire and prayer Baroness, is that this marriage will carry on and thrive despite this problem that you have at the moment. I would hate to see you go though another marriage break up. I also strongly believe that God can do miracles, but sometimes we need to be patient.
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Old 24th August 2011, 07:56 PM   #50
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baroness View Post
Him working at the canyon has nothing to do with this. He's been up there since 2003. I do not come on here to get sympathy, I come on here to get another posters point of view.

We have a very strong love between us and I understand that you don't get the volunteering and doing something just because you love it but I am very proud of him for this.

I am confused now because I don't know what you expect me to do now that you've accused me of wanting sympathy and posting too much about my life.

Aren't we all on here to talk about our life and the problems we are now facing?

I think its important for all of us to think carefully before telling someone what to do or not to do. The wrong words, or harsh words can destroy a person and I'm not just talking about me here. A weaker person might not be able to handle it.

I have thought about not posting on here anymore because your words confused me and yes, upset me a great deal, but I need to know from everyone here if I am still welcome here.
Hi

I know that 1aokgal is down to earth and I realize sometimes, it hurts when we hear something we'd prefer to remain oblivious but it could be something which may help you/us in a long run when someone is brave enough to speak out for you/us.

I agree with Helen too. I tend to think that we end up getting confused by your conflicting posts. One minute, you're so so upset about your h's shortcomings and your heart is "ripped apart" and once posters suggest something, you, in turn retract what you already said about your h as if you never said anything so negative about your h in your posts yourself? And you do resent responses and you were so offended by them. Then you start posting how wonderful your h has been to you all of a sudden.

Perhaps, you can re-read what you had posted from the beginning and you may find the same cycle of grievances - followed by our responses - your resentment of suggestions and responses, "how dare you criticize my h!" lashing out on posters who happened to try to help you.

And, so predictably, you start describing how "nice" your h has been and how dare we criticized about her h! You do tend to bounce back and forth, you say, he is so awful to you once and the next (usually after someone pointed out that he can be better) you say "how dare you put my h down!" etc etc. This just goes on and we are confused by these conflicting posts. This is why 1aokgal suggested you to keep things in your diary as these are simply venting and you are unlikely to tolerate any suggestions very kindly. Once suggestions are made, you get upset, or get irritated etc.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with you posting and anyone can post as they want. But I can see frustrations in 1aokgal who does go extra miles for her friends. You don't find someone like her so often in this day and age.
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Old 24th August 2011, 08:18 PM   #51
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile,

Well done for putting so succinctly what I was trying to say . You phrased it so much better than I can
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Old 24th August 2011, 11:22 PM   #52
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

It seems like Baroness has different sides as a twin from day to day. She will ask for honest advise, but will resent the one who rationally gives it. There are constant inconsistencies in the moods and when a poster gives suggestions she shifts to a defense mode or resents the suggestions. Most of us saw certain things in the same light but she will defend the status quo. Somehow that doesn't make sense. It is also depressing to read the minute to minute conflicts from her house.

The litany of the day to day was beyond what anyone can expect others to digest. My suggestion was for her to diary her moods and problems and not a way to police the thread, but to make it productive for all and not a dumping ground for one. I guess that is harsh but truthful.

OMG, do I understand the fury of this lonely problem as it chops away at the identity of a woman and her life. The sexual problems/emotional dysfunctions of her h won't be solved by posters here. The enigma exists in her husbands mind and undershorts. He won't change and she knows it and resents that we suspect that as well. Miracles do happen, but it seems this one is far out there! Unable to change that situation, her frustration was hurtful to her health.

I tried to get her beyond the physical, to the emotional, where her affection for him could remain and her daily life is productive. As chosen would say, faith is displayed and maybe he feels left out as she does so well.
The playing out of every day as a drama in anothers' bedroom seemed depressing, and doesn't embrace the other 90% that is good. My husband in 2010 with had colon Cancer and endured Chemo/radiation and 4 surgeries. He has two more to surgeries due next year. He is Cancer free for as long as God gives him. That is a real problem and not whether sex is a reality or not in a marriage. That's how I see it or maybe I am wrong? I never ceased to love or value him and we went through this time with my devotion and loyalty, as he had it all these years. That is a real problem.

That is not demeaning anothers' problems.
I hope we could bring the forum around again to optimism, faith and caring and not personal "cretching." I have spent a lot of time on Baroness problems. My phone bill paid this month reflects the long call I made to her to bring her up. It was the one step more. Now I'm the bad guy?
For once, I am speechless!

Baroness said to me, " I am not apologizing anymore. 1aokgal, in fairness to you I think that maybe you didn't intend to insult me or criticize me and I've always admired you. It seemed deliberate to me but I am done with jumping to harsh conclusions and sometimes that is hard."
As I said, I am speechless!

When someone posts here there are going to be suggestions from others you might not like to hear. If your mind is set...why ask?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th August 2011 at 01:50 AM.
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Old 24th August 2011, 11:44 PM   #53
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile...

Little analytical you, who can recap Freuds' theories dead-on! Yes, confusing is the key. :-)
After the conflicted postings, come the retractions, then the sting for the responder. You phrased it well and I couldn't get it across.

BTW...how goes it with you and the house for sale and your progess?

Did you know I am 100 miles from the earthquake epicenter yesterday? That was a strange occurrence and was felt from the NY stock exchange as far south as Atlanta, Georgia.
I was standing in my kitchen talking to my A/C guy in the garage there, as he made his yearly check of the system. Imagine the floor starts moving and I look at my feet and think I might be ready to pass out since the floor seems to shift. Kitchen floors don't move! It was over that quick. The TV news said the east coast hit by 5.8 earthquake.

Thirty years ago in San Francisco my rented house had major shifting in an earthquake. Now we are near two nuclear power stations in the earthquake. They shut down two generators rather than have a Japan incident. Sunday, hurrican Irene is due to hit here with major force. It looks like that will be a sewing day inside. I live on the coastline, but inland enough to be fine.
Now life is pretty dull next to this! xxooxx

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th August 2011 at 04:32 AM.
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Old 25th August 2011, 07:18 AM   #54
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile, the last time you posted you said how much better I was doing and how I wasn't defensive anymore, and now you are saying I'm all over the place. so I'm the one confused here. I wasn't upset by what 1aokgal was saying, just the words she used, which were harsh and I can't believe no one else can see that.

It isn't necessary to be insulting to get your point across. Yes, I agree, my postings are conflicting and I don't have to go back and read them to know that. Sometimes I get frustrated and angry with my situation and then other times I have better days where I try not to think about it and occupy myself with other things.

No matter how hard I try to deal with it, I'm having a hard time and I freely admit that. I have been doing a lot better and was thinking I could let it go and just deal with it and move on. That's when I read 1aokgal's post where she said those things in a very harsh way and I was upset. I didn't think it was necessary to use words like 'manure' and so forth.

Lately things have been going well and so I didn't understand. I thought you all would be interested in my life and how it was going. I'm only defensive when I am insulted and I just can't understand why someone has to be rude to me to get their point across. I am not used to being talked to that way because I don't do it.

I am not always defensive when someone gives me advice and a lot of the advice and viewpoints have helped me very much. Haven't you ever heard of good days and bad days? Sometimes I'm fine and other times I'm not and I'm sure you've had days like that. This is my first time posting on any thread and so I'm new at it.

I just thought it was great that I could say whatever I wanted, things I can't tell anyone else. I am just trying to deal with this and it is very hard for me because usually I would have just walked out the door. I have discovered a lot of things about myself since I've been on here, things good and things I've been doing wrong.

I am just so used to thinking one way about this; negatively, and so now I have to change the way I think and that is rather difficult. There is no big mystery here, I am not a split personality, I am just a woman trying to deal with a man who doesn't sleep with her anymore. For those of you who don't know what that's like, I can't begin to tell you how devastating it can be.

However; I can't very well be devastated for the rest of my life, now can I? I'm so tired of thinking about this and talking about this because except for the change in me, it isn't really helping me to keep talking about it. I want to rise above it and just deal with it. Do you think I like being happy one day and miserable the next?

Before reading the post from 1aokgal, I had read one from her in my personal email where she was talking about this but in a different way and I started thinking about it and decided that she was right, for me to keep talking about this was depressing and it was time to move on and stop feeling like a victim, and start being the victor.

So I decided to just accept what is happening and when I did he started getting better about talking to me and I have been cheerful and joking around with him and I feel better and I have asked God to help me stop complaining, even to myself because I don't think that's pleasing to God and it isn't exactly making me jump for joy either.

Anyway, I think its a good idea to look at the positive aspect of this and that is that I do have a man who loves me and I love him too, I'm just sad at the way things are now. I had such high hopes for us and it hasn't turned out like I thought it would but I have no problems with him other than his lack of sexual desire.

And of course I stick up for him, he's my man and we basically work together as a couple and I wouldn't even have a problem with the way he is except for what has been happening for the past year or so. It will be okay, I will be okay, I always am and I'm not going to give up. If I do it will be because there is no hope at all and then it will be time to move on.

I think the key here is that I continue to read the bible and pray because I seem to do better when I do. I don't know what else to say, a lot of things have been said lately and now I just want to move on. There are a lot of things in life that can be very good and I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me.
 
Old 25th August 2011, 11:43 AM   #55
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Having a man who loves you and who you love, is so precious. Hold on to that. So many people have no one. I got so worried because you kept talking about leaving him and really your marriage is worth more than that. I supposes its the cup half full or half empty thing. and being thankful for what we do have rather than what we dont. No marriage will ever be perfect, and no man or woman is ever meant to meet all of their spouses needs, God is the only one who can meet our deepest needs.
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Old 25th August 2011, 05:18 PM   #56
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You are right, Chosen, and I guess I have been wanting a perfect relationship according to the way I think it should be and this can never be. I think I understand what I've been doing wrong. I ask you all to be patient with me and I admit that I have been too sensitive and jumping to defense mode and I am going to work on that.

All I can say is that I'm not experienced in posting and so I just say what I feel but I realize it can be very frustrating for those who read my posts because there isn't really anything you can say or do to help me and sometimes I get really depressing, don't I? I don't mean to be, I have always been a very positive person.

God has helped me see some things regarding this and I have no problem with changing something about myself to make myself better in the long run. I love to talk to people and even more to help them by relating to something they have gone through but lately its been all about me and I didn't even realize I was doing this.

I guess I was reacting to being upset by my h and I have dealt with that issue too and am doing much better. I want to hear what you have to say and I want to stop being so negative, something I never thought I would be. I am thankful that you take the time to talk to me even though I have gone overboard at times.

Perhaps you have suggestions on how to post? I just come on here and say whatever I feel and so I don't know what I should or shouldn't say. I do know it isn't necessary for me to talk about my day; incident to incident but I came on here because of what I was going through and now that I am better with the situation I don't know exactly what to say and not be considered saying too much.

I promise not to be so defensive in the future and try to realize that no one is trying to insult me, but help me and if you didn't care you wouldn't bother telling me things that I might not want to hear. At first I was just shocked that everyone had this reaction to what I said and then I thought about it and realized that I have been going overboard a lot of the time.

The fact that I can admit this to myself is more proof that I have changed quite a bit, I would never have admitted this to myself a few months back. I won't apologize since you've told me not to but I will change the way I've been posting.

The problem is that I've always been very open with my feelings and am unsure as how to reign them in. I will pray about it and work on it and if you still care to hear from me then I will appreciate your understanding.

It also occurs to me that perhaps my h isn't the one totally responsible for the problems I am having with him. Granted, he has ed and he isn't sleeping with me, but perhaps my expectations are too high in this relationship. Maybe I am wanting a perfect relationship when I can't have one, no one can, and because I want things to be the way I think they should be, I'm getting mad at him for not being the perfect husband.

I need to realize that we are only human and things happen but that doesn't mean you just walk away because everything is not to your liking. If love is there then surely there is hope and I have to stop being so unhappy because of things that change in this marriage. Yes, he has a problem but he isn't the only one who has issues and I never realized that before. I thought I was this perfect wife and he was flawed and that is very presumptuous of me, isn't it?

Instead of always praying that he will change and do what I want, I should be praying for my own attitude and stop complaining about every little thing and be happy with what I do have, which is a lot. I have my health, a good mind and a man who respects me and maybe can't help the way his body is. This is a very big enlightenment for me. Maybe that's what God was trying to show me all along.

Last edited by Baroness; 25th August 2011 at 05:31 PM.
 
Old 25th August 2011, 06:15 PM   #57
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote ...Instead of always praying that he will change and do what I want, I should be praying for my own attitude and stop complaining about every little thing and be happy with what I do have, which is a lot. I have my health, a good mind and a man who respects me and maybe can't help the way his body is. This is a very big enlightenment for me. Maybe that's what God was trying to show me all along.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yes you've got it. Briliant baroness.
I think that God showed you this a while back, but it takes time for these things to sink in doesnt it.
I think that recognising that we have issues as well, and things that need working on, helps us to accept others with their weakness and imperfections. Its easy to place all the blame on the other person, and thinking that we are 100% blameless in everything.

I noticed this with husbands former wife, that she told him for years that all their problems were caused by him. She told lots of other people all sorts of things and always blamed him. What she couldnt see(and maybe still cant) is that she is a very difficult person to live with, very hard to please, very high maintence and very controlling and bossy. This is just an example of where we can delude our selves to the fact that we all need to concentrate on ourlseves and OUR issues, and not try to force others to be as we want them to be. Unconditional acceptance and love is so important for all of us in marriage, and several people have said how much my husband has changed and opened up and come alive since the divorce and remarriage. Its sad really as he really is SO easy to please, and she just couldnt see that. Dont you make that same mistake.
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Old 25th August 2011, 09:09 PM   #58
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen, the thing is, I have always been accepting of the way a man is, whether it was an ex or my present h. When others criticized the way he handled things I said it was okay because I didn't need to know every single thing and as long as the bills were paid it was fine with me.

I have always known that the only way a person can change is if God does it and yet I was judging him by what I think he should be like. The ed brought all this on and I started thinking differently because it wasn't acceptable. I wanted what we once had and that isn't possible, people change and so do relationships and I can't realistically expect things to stay the same.

I just wanted the man back who made love to me but there were other things that displeased me about him and I thought why can't he be more romantic? Why can't be talk more? But he accepts me the way I am and I should do the same. I do love him and in many ways am very proud of him and we are getting along very well.

I'm glad you understand what I was talking about in my last post. I am not a domineering woman and easy to get along with and yet in my mind I was constantly putting him down for not trying to have a physical relationship with me. Yes, he could have done this and that but he didn't and I have to respect the way he decides to handle this.

Of course he doesn't want to admit this and I still don't like the way things are but I seem to be coping better now that I've realized some things about myself. I wasn't aware of those things and I just prayed for him and for me and I do have faith in God. I feel like a great weight has been lifted from me.

I also think God is molding me into the woman and wife he wants me to be. I don't know for sure what is going to happen to this marriage but I do trust God and he said to just trust him and so I must. All this time I've been asking him to speak to my h and fix him, when I also needed fixing as well. Of course I never would have realized this if I hadn't been open to God dealing with me on it.

I am also praying about not getting so upset when I think someone is attacking me in some way. I am a sensitive person but that can work in my favor. I can finally say that I want to be in God's will, not matter what that is.
 
Old 25th August 2011, 10:39 PM   #59
chosen
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Baronness

baroness thats really good about the weight having been lifted. Thats real progress.

Men in general just arent romantic. Thats just the way it is, and in my experience men talk far far less than women, which is why we women need each other to communicate to.

My husband is a very clever man, and his mind is filled with papers that he writes and research that he does, and stastical analysis and numbers, and he isnt all that romantic and just doesnt think that way, but he is such a lovely guy and godly husband that I am not bothered. If I dont remind him that it is our anniversay or that it is someones birthday, he would never remember. its not deliberate its just the way he is. Most of the time he cant even remember how old he is. lol. Thats my job, I remember such things and tell him. He isnt a great talker either (and in my experience not many men do talk a lot) but he will listen to me talking. lol. We just need to love and accept our husbands as they are, and for the good that is in them.

Its a horrible thing for a person to know that they are a disappointment to their spouses, and that they can never be themselves, or be 'good' enough. Its soul destroying, and my husband knows all about that. I am SO glad that he is out of that marriage and situation, and so is he. He said it was like coming out of prison when they divorced. So sad.

God can use any situation to change us and reveal things to us, and He will always bring good out of a difficult situation.

You are also right about change. Change is part of life isnt it, and none of us are the same as we were a few years back. Relationships also change and marriages change. Our marriage of nearly 6 years has changed such a lot already(fortunately its just gets better and better), and nothing ever stays the same.It keeps us on our toes.

Last edited by chosen; 26th August 2011 at 09:18 AM.
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Old 26th August 2011, 01:16 AM   #60
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I hope things get better for me and my h too but they seem to be since I have realized that I was expecting too much. I believe you are a true Christian, Chosen and I had misjudged you earlier on in the posts. You are the only one gracious enough to forgive me for reacting to things said to me. I have apologized but 1aokgal can't forgive me my ignorance in my posting skills.

Probably no one else will either but I can only try to do better and God has revealed many things to me through all this which is just like God, isn't it? I feel bad about what happened but I know that she could have worded her feelings a little differently and I would have accepted it and not gotten upset.

God tells us to have forgiveness and I think you told me awhile back that this would happen. I was really shocked by the whole thing because she never told me about the way I posted before that day and I am usually not so quick in assumptions but I really couldn't believe what was being said.

I got carried away and I admitted that, what else do people expect me to do? I defended my husband because I love him and he is not the person that some has made him out to be. I know I posted when I was angry at him and I know I felt like just leaving him, but it is my right to be upset over what is happening.

However; God is helping me with the way I look at this marriage and how I respond to him. We are fine and once I realized these things about my expectations and the way I was thinking, I just felt a lot of love for him. He really is a kind man and there was an article in the local newspaper about him and his volunteer work.

For awhile there I wasn't sure I still loved him but once the anger left and my resentment then I realized that I still love him very much and I am praying for a miracle in our lives. I know that not many people still believe in miracles but it happened for Forever so it can happen for us to. I believe in the power of God to change lives.

The closer I get to God and the more time I spend reading the word and praying, the easier it is for me to deal with what I have to. He's taking those vitamins by the way and seems to be doing much better. When thoughts come of resentment for him not sleeping with me, I will have to just remind myself that we love each other and there are a lot of people who don't have anyone to love them.

Your husband sounds like a very nice man and has a lot in common with my h as for the not being too romantic or talking a lot. Maybe I talk too much. So I have decided to live my life on a positive note and I thank you for all your input on his behalf. I didn't want to listen to you when you were saying certain things but I think it was because I wanted to hang onto my anger.

I have let it go now and I feel like a new woman and who knows what wonderful thing God has in store for me and him? God bless you, Chosen.
 
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