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Old 16th February 2011, 02:29 PM   #1
pari
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Unhappy Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Its been 3 long years that we have been married now but yet this marriage stays unconsummated.We have yet not begun our married life & are still like good friends, that's it.

Our marriage took place very quickly as he worked overseas. Therfater I joined him in a months time. We stayed in a shared accomodation initially, along with his friends. As a newly bride I too had expectations, when he used to come from work I used to dress well, in the silk gowns etc but I believe nothing attracted him.I tried coming closer to him, seducing him but he pushed me away one point of time, which I found really wieard.As months passed by nothing happened & I started getting curious, I tried asking him & his answer was as we stayed in a shared place he feared that there could be noise which would cause him embarassment before his mates, so he kept away from me.

Our relation is best in evry way that it could be, he's very caring & loving person. But, its only this hurdle that causing a grave concern to me now. Being a woman, I too expected having children at an early stage.We never have any fights at all, its looks like for evryone we are having the best of marriage, but I know deep within what I am suffering.

It has always been me who has initiated this topic for discussion & evry time it has ended into an golden silence from his end, which has driven me nutts at times. I have shown him my distress because of this problem & also somewhere deep within I know it has been troubling him as well. I have also told him that I wont leave him if thers's any problem & we would meet a counsellor or so & discuss things out as we have to make this marriage work. But nothing seems positive.

I don't think at all he is a gay but just don't seem to figure out a reason that why he is not having any arousal for sex.He does hugs me, kisses me cuddles me a lott & shows me so much of love & affection but is that all. Also when I tried loving him at times, he didnt feel much (I could realise that) & found it funny & his laugh would put me away...

I have tried talking to him on a number of occasions, also telling him that we could seek some help or advice as we cant move on in this way. But now he is like....he says that unless we have not tried anything ourselves how can I say there's anything wrong in him.He does want to try things now but somehow I have lost faith in him when it comes to the physical aspect....I have lost those bodily feelings for him totally, now even if he tries coming closer to me or kissing me I am just a cold body. Also, somewhere within I am confident that he wont be able to anything...I dont think he is romantic, and that he has never spoken to me about sex related topics. I feel like brother & sister at one point of time sharing one roof & bed...

My thinking is that if he didn't have any feelings for me before, how come they have aroused now ?? Is his feelings genuine or is it just because he fears I might take a stand now & disclose things to our families? And where were these feelings before when we got married? How could he resist someone so attractive like me is really suprising??

Last night, for the very 1st time he took this topic out saying that he very well knows as to how am I feeling & he too feels terrible about the same,he stated he's feeling very guilty & wans to make this relationship work but its possible only if I let go with the past & make a new start. In fact, he keeps telling me this from quite a long time but I just cant, i have lost faith in him (with the physical aspect).Also I don't feel at all for him & no clue whether will I really love him again?? At the same time, I am so confused to leave all this & go back & face everyone.I love my husband for the person he is & don't want to hurt him, because he is indeed a very loving, caring & soft person at heart.I feel it terrible to believe that why has this relationship not worked?? What do I do ????? Still not able to make my mind....

I just keep praying to Jesus to guide me in his wisdom to take the right decision & bless this realtionship if its his will...I am lost at this point of time whether to remain in this relationship with an hope that things will work as I did from 3 years or move on as I am not happy with this state of life....I believe where there is no Love there's no Life....
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Old 16th February 2011, 04:34 PM   #2
Kimberley1967
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Gosh that must be so terribly hard. I know that sex is not all a marriage is about but the closeness does bring you together. Are you able to live together now as a couple without living with his friends. Have you tried going away together to see whether a change of place helps. Perhaps he just has a terribly low sex drive but it seems unfair on you long term if he wont try and get help.
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Old 16th February 2011, 06:02 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

I would think that either he is gay (which is very possible) or he has an extreemly low sex drive. Otherwise how could he sleep in the same bed as you for three years and have no desire for sex?It is also possible that he looks at porn and masturbates, because men who do that often have no interest in sex with their wives.
yes you definately need to have some good Christisn counselling because this is a BIG problem.
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Old 17th February 2011, 09:42 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Sex is extremely important in a marriage. The two will be one flesh? We have a situation on here before which was similar. My answer there was that he was born a Eunuch and was never meant to be married. He wanted the friendship and was using marriage for it. I am not saying that is the case here. He could be gay into porn or whatever. It is something to consider though as Jesus did say some were born eunuchs and had no need of sex. Their calling is different. Jesus, John the Baptist and Paul the apostle were all this way so it can be a high calling.

If the marriage has never been consummated (no sexual coming together) then the marriage can be annulled legally and morally. The act of marriage has never happened in other words. If he is really born a eunuch then he will never be right in marriage and you have to consider this angle Pari. You can still remain friends but marriage itself will be out of the question.
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Old 18th February 2011, 08:24 PM   #5
Shinars Basket Case
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
, because men who do that often have no interest in sex with their wives.
I used to moderate one of the oldest and busiest Sex-Questions BBS on the net with hundreds of posts a day, trust me when I tell you that for most husbands, Xian or otherwise, whether or not they masturbate or look at porn has no real bearing on how much desire they feel for their partners or how often they sleep with them.

There are husbands who get their entire sexual gratification from porn and masturbation but they really are rare. IME quite often they have extreme sexual desires (such as paedophilia) which they can't express nor satisfy with their wives.

The reverse is usually true, that husbands who view porn actually want MORE sex from their wives.
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Old 18th February 2011, 09:20 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

On the two forums that I am on that hasnt been the case. Many men who look at porn loose the ability to be turned on by their wives because they need these other women, and the sexual acts they see to turn them on.
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Old 19th February 2011, 09:37 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

I totally disagree. Porn can in some circumstances totally kill the marriage bed, depending on the extent of it. After all it is mental adultery. I thought this point was cleared up a long time ago. Most of the threads regarding porn prove the opposite. Same with private MB which often will involve private fantasies and a locking into images other than one's wife.

If a husband who views porn does want sex from his wife it will be to play out what he has seen, but something would have come between him and her, namely all those women he has been watching. In that sense it will begin to destroy the true sexual intimacy which is part of marriage.
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Old 20th February 2011, 02:55 AM   #8
Shinars Basket Case
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
In that sense it will begin to destroy the true sexual intimacy which is part of marriage.
Very true, in that sense yes.
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Old 20th February 2011, 03:29 AM   #9
Forever
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Ever since my husband stopped porn (over 1 year ago or more, who knows for sure), he only desires sex with me when he is physically ready to explode. Before he stopped porn and even after he quit, he tried to re-enact things he "saw" and I get the feeling that he is not there with me at all...he is imagining someone else. He has always been very critical of my appearance to the point that shame is my covering when I am with him...I am unable to arouse him unless I go to the extreme, doing acts that he is ashamed of after the "Job" is over. So I just live with the disappointment that I am to him, and I limit my activities to what is not perverse.

Porn destroys the beauty and vitality of God's design for the sexual expressions of intimacy. I feel like an ugly machine to him...but I am not ignorant. Other men find me attractive so I just get my validation from knowing that. I feel sorry for my husband. I wonder what it would be like to be ravished by him because of who and what I am, rather than because he is thinking of someone else or just because it is time for sex.

Porn is the gift that keeps on giving.

Last edited by Forever; 20th February 2011 at 03:42 AM.
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Old 20th February 2011, 06:33 AM   #10
Shinars Basket Case
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Porn is the gift that keeps on giving.
Yes and appropriately enough, in our language (we speak German at home) 'gift' means 'poison'....something that always amuses German tourists when they see 'Ye Olde Gift Shop' signs.

Its such a shame that your husband doesn't desire you for you. The one you call 'The Enemy' does have a habit of 'sticking it in and breaking it off' doesn't he?




(that was a reference to a metaphorical dagger in the heart NOT your hubby's penis btw!)

Last edited by Shinars Basket Case; 20th February 2011 at 06:35 AM. Reason: Spellings of a non magical sort
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Old 21st February 2011, 11:03 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Feeling your husband is not there with you in times that should be intimate would make sense Forever. Porn seems to still leave it's footprints even when discontinued. It probably does take a length of time to get the tentacles and the images out of the system. There must still be a battle in the mind going on which he has to win, with God's help, to be able to enjoy the intimate privacy which is God's gift in marriage. Porn can only be a robber of this in the long run.

It reminds me of those coming out of the occult. There is still a period of deliverance and cleansing that has to take place before the ground can fully be taken back.
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Old 21st February 2011, 02:47 PM   #12
pari
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Many thanks for ur replies....Well to be honest I dont knw much abut porn and all these stuff & as far as I know my husband I can bet on anything that he is miles away from this crap...He's all day at work & when at home, its just the sports & the news channel he has his interest in.Also, he is hardly on the net as he's exhausted after the days work & also on the weekends we are oftenly out together. To see porn or related things he needs to be alone or when am nt around...and thats barely not possible......
So I feel his problem is something else.....
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Old 21st February 2011, 10:10 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

I never ever thought it was porn in his case Pari. Just following the thread.

What about the eunuch possibility. Does that ring any bells?

Sorry that we went off on a detour.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 05:02 AM   #14
chosen
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

He may have a very low testerone level that needs to be tested by a doctor, or he may simply be gay.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 10:34 AM   #15
getaffe
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

I don't think this option has been discussed yet: Abuse. Maybe your husband has a deep fear of sexual intercourse due to a traumatic event in his past. Just and idea.
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