Husband doesn't want sex

[Ageing Grace]

I'm generally in favour of trying to repair a marriage. But your posts depict a man with deep-seated issues of control and entitlement - which I don't believe will be fixed any time soon (or ever!). Stating the obvious, he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is so there's no further point in trying to encourage him to change.

Amber, you took the biggest step you could towards prompting his desire to change when you served your divorce. Instead of forcing him to recognise his faults - and to work harder at keeping you happy - he has simply used your statements as evidence of your wrongness (in his eyes) ... and has punished you for it.

He cares nothing for your happiness, only for his own power over you.

Reading your last post above, I found myself muttering "he's insane!" Honestly, the story about your dinner date and the car makes absolutely no sense - except to a crazy person. He's got issues all right, and you've already done everything you can to get him to see that. He doesn't.

Further: Hitting you and your child - even just the once - is unacceptable. Nobody lashes out only once. Choose to stay, and I believe you will be choosing to live with escalating violence.

The long-term effect on your children hardly bears thinking about. What they have learned about adult relationships, so far, is: [1] Marriage is about control & resistance; [2] A husband should hit, punish, abandon and steal from his wife; [3] Married people are happiest when apart.

Lovely. Are you sure you want this for them?

In your case, Amber, I'm delighted that you found yourself saying you wanted out. You should listen to your self more! Doubtless, this will be easier when your mind's not constantly overwhelmed by trying to anticipate your husband's next attack.

I understand your thoughts around setting up shared lodgings in your home. However, I think he will continue to control you from there. You're susceptible to his manipulations; why on earth would he give it up just because you have separate bedrooms?

It looks like a very good idea to talk with your mother in detail. Ask her to help you write a summary of the faults in your marriage (print out this thread for her, too). Then ask her to help you find trustworthy legal advice. It may be possible for you to keep your home & business - without having to share it with your oppressor.

I know you're not ready to hear this, Amber. You're an amazingly tolerant individual, with extraordinary good will So I'll simply ask you to turn your talent for helping on yourself for a while!

And please, please talk to your mum.

Much love,
AG

[Raymond]

Thank you for your response Amber. My view is as you have written the letter already isn't it worth having one last go and sending it to him? If no repentance comes forth again then your assurance would be even greater to have the divorce. You may be right. He might not respond at all and then again he might. Who knows?

I am certainly not commending that you battle on in your marriage forever. I just feel your letter is particularly inpired and as I said before will make or break your marriage such is the power I feel that is in it.

Obviously you are praying about the situation and you will have your leadings from God which are more important than what I am saying and yet God can use others as well.

Raymond

HI Amber

Your seem to be a good devoted wife and mother. You are still carrying a lot of hurt which is understandable, stand by what you have written and don't let your husband make you back down. You are a strong women who deserves to be loved and treated with respect.

One which helped me to heal was to write all of my feelings in a journal, sometimes I would write pages, sometimes once a day or week, sometimes twice it doesn't matter how often or what you write hold nothing back.
Keep it where it can't be read by others, or when you've finished writing destroy it.

Also nothing lifts my heart more than finding gratitude everyday, sharing it is even better, for someone elses heart is lifted also.Oh and take care of yourself, by doing things that make you happy


Keep up us updated Amber
Hugs Gillian

[Raymond]

I don't know how you put it in the past Amber but the letter you have written is so clear. My thought is for him to read the letter not as an ultimatum, (you don't want false responses here or mixed motives), but as a communication and plea for help. If it falls on deaf ears you know what you have to do. Personally I think porn can be grounds for divorce on it's own because it is sexual unfaithfulness.

Your letter is quite a mixed bag of things and assuming that he did want to respond what would be the order of priority for you? I think it would be a good excercise for you to list the things you mentioned in order of their priority to you. I mean what would he start on first?

I understand your tentativeness here because of the past. You don't want promises if the changes are not from the heart. That would be a cop out. You will know if is from his heart soon enough. If it turns out to be so then he will need a little time to work it through, but you will have the signs that he is trying.

People can change Amber. I have changed a lot in marriage and I have learned that my wife is my number one priority in life, next to God of course, but he's the one who counsels us to love our wives. You are stepping out a lot in giving him another chance Amber even though you feel you want to leave now. I will be praying for you. Things should never be this way. All wives are entitled to love and understanding and that is what us men should be working towards. Lets hope and pray something happens here.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Originally Posted by Raymond

All wives are entitled to love and understanding and that is what us men should be working towards. Lets hope and pray

Amen to that

xx

[Raymond]

Theres a big contradiction going on here Amber. It is quite unbelievable really that he is reading books about improving his already good marriage when the reality is that it is at rock bottom. I hope it tells him to listen to his wife. I think it is a good time for him to get the letter. A I said before it is not a negative but a cry for help. He must be going around with blinkers on. It is a good thing that he is reading though. We can thank God for that and hope his eyes will open a little. Your letter is very important here.

The main counseling for any christian husband is to love their wives as christ loves the church and live with them with understanding. That entails all sorts of things.

I hope one day he will say what an idiot I have been and how blind I was. You should be the most important person in his life. Pray that God uses this book but I am convinced he needs the letter also.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Chicken soup. Aspirin. Heating up high. Drink water. Instruct husband to make "poor baby" noises

Get well soon!

AG xxxxx

[Raymond]

It sounds to me that you have no faith in him, that it is going to fail and are planning your way out. As I said before why are you even writing the letter as brilliant as that is?

It will not be another chance he is getting as you are setting things up for him to fail and have already planned your escape.

You seem afraid to hope and won't believe he can change. You may be right, but why is he reading books on how to improve his marriage. He may be doing all the wrong things but isn't there something there that might work against all odds?

As I said before I think it is worth one more chance but if you are not open to that it will not really be a chance. I know you have been through a lot and are at the end of yourself. You came on here about problems in your marriage but sound now as if you want it to be over.

It has to be your choice Amber. My own view is that it is a brilliant letter but things seem to have detiorated in your mind since you wrote that letter and now you don't even want to give him the chance to respond.

Maybe it is that your childrens and your sickness is affecting you right now. I will pray you do the right thing. We cannot even get through life without hope and we will certainly not enjoy a marriage without it. Do what you need to do. I pray that it will be the right thing.

Raymond

Amber you seem really angry and confused right now. I understand you have unwell children and aren't well yourself. What is that you really want Amber. Do you want to separate from your husband? Or are you trying to scare him into changing his ways?

If you no longer you feel you love him then you need to be honest and tell him. Maybe some time talking with your minister or a counciller would help.
You seem to be so angry, which given your posts is understandable, but your anger may be clouding your judgement. Also if you've been through all this before, applying for divorce, why are you putting youself and your children through this emotional rollar coaster ride again?

When your husband gets back would it be possible for him to stay elsewhere, for a while so you and he can talk things through instead of being under the same roof all of the time, that way you can work out your feelings without worrying about him manipulating you.

A good book to read is "to good to leave, to bad to stay" I can't remeber who the authour is but it's well worth reading.

Take care amber, hope you and your children are feeling better

[Raymond]

Hi Amber. I don't think the sex will ever be right while he is doing porn. He will be partially satisfied through doing that which creates a rift in your marriage. Until it is you and only you without the distraction of porn how can the bedroom be worked out?

I am amazed that he is reading marriage books and doesn't know that. I'll be glad when he gets that letter. He needs to know the truth. Can't believe he wants to write a book on men and women when he doesn't bother to know his own woman in a full way. Porn figures in over 50% of divorces in the States. His response to the letter is crucial. I know of a christian couple where they haven't slept together for ten years. After he started porn the sex diminished more and more and if there was any it was done in a selfish way, more like repeating what he had watched. She has considered divorce but seems routed to the spot trying to do the right thing. Time will tell.

I really hope your situation can be sorted Amber.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Your husband seems to be a bit of a selfish bully from my vantage point Amber. Are you afraid of him? It's either that or a control thing going on.

Enjoyment for sex for wives always comes out of relationship usually. Love should operate in the bedroom as elsewhere. He should know how to please you but seems focussed only on his own needs it appears. I believe the porn is tainting him. There is a spirit behind it which can come on him right into the bedroom through him. In a way it's just not you two having sex. It is him, you and all the others he is being tittilated by.We know that is not part of God's kingdom. Remember that God made sex but a mental adultery will marr it. It should be you only you and nobody else. Not all these young naked women he stirs himself up for. He is in a big deception over it I believe. From my experience, not personally, porn is a big killer in the bedroom. If he doesn't dump it he could become addicted and then he will have a fight on his hands.

I thought he was reading marriage books by Dobson but if that is not the case is he reading any christian marriage books? If he is I cannot see the fruit of it.

So you still have the letter and are choosing the right time. I would read it again and make sure you mean the words you say in it. Once he has it there is a certain stance you need to take. You need to be listened to. It would be no good carrying on the same after that as you have poured your soul into that letter.

Try and keep up any spiritual disciplines you have and get good fellowship. You need God's perspective on this as well.

Raymond

[Raymond]

I could feel that you were struggling about the letter Amber. You have had it for such a long time now. Maybe it's better to leave it until you really know it is right? It will take courage to give it, but when the timing is right you will have the courage. Maybe you can get the points over gradually to him? If he is never going to listen though maybe it will have to be the letter? It was a move of desperation more than anything.

Yes there are a lot of men on here going through a time of reflection about their behaviour. Some of it will be sadly too late others will turn it around.

Your daughter seems to be suffering from lack of nurture from your husband. Perhaps that is why she reverts to baby talk with him to get his sympathy?

Yeah don't look at the porn. It will be shocking and depressing. It's like an inroad to the most intimate part of your marriage. Sickening really as the purity in marriage can make sex amazing. Even if he does give it up it will take time and effort to wash his mind.

He really needs something to happen in his life to shake his pride perhaps? I would continue to pray about it. God can do that if He has to. We all need a little of it at times. Some of us are so thick we still don't repent even when God is chastising us but when we do the joy is amazing.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Thank you very much for your messages, Amber. It's really good to hear from you.

I know how confusing everything seems from inside your kind of dilemma, because I've been there. I fully understand why everything feels wrong & upside-down ... it's hard for you to get your head around it, but it feels like your fault because he twists you that way. Never mind, it takes ages to extricate yourself from such a knotted trap. You've made some amazing steps towards regaining your own mind. Pat yourself on the back, and keep going. Baby steps!

I have agreed to stay away from other people's problems for a while - part of my own process, and I know my therapist is right. As I quit for the time being, Amber, I'll offer you two precious resources.

If you haven't yet read it, PLEASE get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book, it describes & explains so much: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-Th.../dp/0425191656

Here is the website of Women's Aid in the UK. They're fantastic for a sensible chat about relationship things They should also be able to point you towards good local resources:
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic...estic+violence

All the very best, and lots of love. I may not post, but I'll be keeping an eye out for you and wishing you well!

AG xx

[Raymond]

Hi Amber. How did I miss your post?

Lack of housekeeping skills is nothing to do with it. My wife doesn't excel in this area but that is nothing to do with what is right and what is wrong.

I think he is going around in blinkers. How can he do porn and talk so righteous?

Believe me you are not wrong Amber. The way he is carrying on sticks out a mile for anyone who cares to read your posts.

I know that nobody has a perfect husband but to practice pornography goes beyond a normal decent line, expecially for a christian. I think he has tunnel vision and only sees what he wants to see.This is all mental adultery and affects the marriage and will seriously affect his spiritual life as well.

Be encouraged Amber you are not mad. Your points are extremely valid. We are not here to break mariages but to mend them and are not trying to set the wife against the husband. The point is he is already doing that by his obnoxious behaviour.

Raymond

Amber

Like AG says keep going baby steps. By the time my marriage was over, I belived my Ex was Perfect , and I was stupid, fat and ugly, un-employable and worthless oh and the best one paranoid because I thought he was having an affair (which he was), but hey I drove him to it, because of my so called faults. None of the above is true erm apart from I'm a bit overweight by a few Kilos. How did I come to believe this about myself? from his manipulative mind games.

Amber like Ray says you are not mad, and we are not here to break marriages, my only regret is I stayed in a toxic relationship which almost destroyed me for to long and then spent two years hoping he would come back.

Amber you are an intelligent woman who deserves better, and a few faults doesn't make you a bad wife or mother. No one is perfect or with out faults. Your hubands Porno obession is far worse than lack of a few house keeping skills and the pot has no right to call the kettle black.

Take Care Amber
JBxxxxx