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Old 29th June 2015, 08:55 PM   #631
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hello lovely LDT I don't feel ready to face my memories, I just exist tbh, every morning I wake I wish I didn't and wished I had just simply gone in the night, the BP does worry me a bit because I have always been very healthy pre-bu, the truth is LDT that I want 2 things, 1) I want my lovely wife and marriage back or 2) I simply want to die quietly without pain or suffering as a wimp, there are no other options to me, I think I know that my life is basically finished unless I salvage our lovely marriage, I just really don't want to carry on much longer I neither have the inclination or the desire.
I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm not really sure how to answer this. I know I still feel lost without my WH. I know he doesn't want me, and I have felt at times that life wasn't worth it without him. But I know that's not right--I know it's not healthy. Life shouldn't depend on how one person feels about you. Unfortunately, people fall out of love sometimes. If we put all our hopes and dreams on one person and if they disappoint us, we have no dreams left. That doesn't sound right, does it? We need to have dreams and goals separate from that person. We can't put all our eggs into their basket.

People disappoint us sometimes--that's just a fact. That's when we learn to rely on ourselves, and God if you are a believer.

I have learned that everything in my life was about my WH--but I needed to live for me, as well. Now I have no choice. A healthy relationship is give and take, shared and separate interests. If a spouse is happy they do not leave. Somehow, in some way they decided it would be better to go. It's painful, but true. But we can't lay down and die because they could not keep their vows. If we or anyone else does that--who wins?

I know you have a business and you have been successful in many ways--but you are too dependent on how your WW feels about you. If you weren't, you wouldn't keep wishing for death, Ralf. You have got to get out of that mindset--for your own sake. But I can't convince you that your life is worth living. You have to decide that. I hope you do soon. Don't give her all your power. It's something I'm learning, as well. You are not alone.

I've said it before and I'll say it again--don't give up.
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Old 29th June 2015, 09:37 PM   #632
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm not really sure how to answer this. I know I still feel lost without my WH. I know he doesn't want me, and I have felt at times that life wasn't worth it without him. But I know that's not right--I know it's not healthy. Life shouldn't depend on how one person feels about you. Unfortunately, people fall out of love sometimes. If we put all our hopes and dreams on one person and if they disappoint us, we have no dreams left. That doesn't sound right, does it? We need to have dreams and goals separate from that person. We can't put all our eggs into their basket.

People disappoint us sometimes--that's just a fact. That's when we learn to rely on ourselves, and God if you are a believer.

I have learned that everything in my life was about my WH--but I needed to live for me, as well. Now I have no choice. A healthy relationship is give and take, shared and separate interests. If a spouse is happy they do not leave. Somehow, in some way they decided it would be better to go. It's painful, but true. But we can't lay down and die because they could not keep their vows. If we or anyone else does that--who wins?

I know you have a business and you have been successful in many ways--but you are too dependent on how your WW feels about you. If you weren't, you wouldn't keep wishing for death, Ralf. You have got to get out of that mindset--for your own sake. But I can't convince you that your life is worth living. You have to decide that. I hope you do soon. Don't give her all your power. It's something I'm learning, as well. You are not alone.

I've said it before and I'll say it again--don't give up.
A very wise post.
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Old 30th June 2015, 01:10 AM   #633
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

One more thing, dear Ralf,

I know my situation is hopeless, but I don't know if yours is. Perhaps you can get your marriage back someday-- I don't know. But what I said still stands. Standing and having goals and living and enjoying life no matter what your wife does is the goal. You need to be able to live and be happy with or without her. That's what DB is all about, too. WAS might be attracted to the strong, happy you, but if they don't come back, you'll be okay anyway. Perhaps you should order the DB book NDY recommends, Ralf. I want to see a strong and happy Ralf. We all do.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 30th June 2015 at 06:35 PM. Reason: Typo
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Old 30th June 2015, 08:48 AM   #634
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

LDT has been very astute here. I agree with everything she says.

If you do decide to read the book, and I recommend you do there is a passage in there about running down cheese less tunnels. The basic premise is that in laboratories the will place cheese in tunnels for mice to find. Once the mouse finds the cheese it will always use that same tunnel. Until you move the cheese. Then it will use a different tunnel.

The point of that analogy is to stop doing the same thing when expecting different results. What hasn't worked in the past won't work next time either. So try something different.

I know you want your M back but think on it this way. To you, getting the M back will solve all your problems. No, solve all your problems and then there is a chance you may rebuild your M.

What ever it was that caused her to leave is still there and still unresolved. I know you are going to say there was nothing wrong etc but Ralf, mate that's not true. You had a hand in this and until you find the introspection to discover what that was you are just going to go round in circles. Dig deep and find what that was. No need to go on the defensive with us. We're all here for you.
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Old 3rd July 2015, 06:01 PM   #635
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

How's the move going?
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Old 3rd July 2015, 07:12 PM   #636
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I just got my cable and internet turned on 5 minutes ago. Two days with no connection! I was going lack-of technology crazy! The movers I hired were a nightmare. They didn't wrap up my rug and got it all dirty, they were 4 hours late and very unprofessional among other things. I'm still steaming, but I'm going to let it go. I'm here and it's like a fresh start. A lot more unpacking to do and I'm super tired. I forgot how "fun" moving can be. : )
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Old 3rd July 2015, 07:26 PM   #637
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Grab a glass of vino and put some tunes on and relax. Let me know when your having that first drink and I'll toast to new beginnings.
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Old 3rd July 2015, 08:29 PM   #638
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I ordered home grocery delivery and I ordered a bottle of Chardonnay, so I'm on the same page!

How have you been? What's new, NDY?
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Old 3rd July 2015, 10:06 PM   #639
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I am very jealous, I have wanted to move for 10 years now.
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Old 3rd July 2015, 10:11 PM   #640
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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I am very jealous, I have wanted to move for 10 years now.
Oh, no, but you live in a house right? I just live in an apartment (flat). I'd much rather live in a house. I did live in a house with my WH, but I moved out 11 months ago. Then we sold it. I still miss my house. But I simply can't afford at this time to get another house, not on my own anyway. I hope someday to be a homeowner again.
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Old 4th July 2015, 04:59 AM   #641
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Oh, no, but you live in a house right? I just live in an apartment (flat). I'd much rather live in a house. I did live in a house with my WH, but I moved out 11 months ago. Then we sold it. I still miss my house. But I simply can't afford at this time to get another house, not on my own anyway. I hope someday to be a homeowner again.
A tiny tiny house(and in the uk houses are far far smaller than in the USA), I had to leave my slightly larger house 13 years ago as I couldnt afford to stay there. When I met my second husband I was so hoping that we would be able to move, but it hasnt happened yet.
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Old 7th July 2015, 04:29 PM   #642
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by Anna Davis View Post
Oh my God, he is trully a coward! Can`t believe that it can be the real man!

The only way out of this situation is spending your time on the things you like and love - go actively sport, find a hobby (reading, sewing), try online dating sites (like kovla etc). Maybe you will find a good person there, who will take your pain away.

In time he will see what he as lost! Just try not to have free time to suffer!
Hi Anna,

Well, I'm not ready to date yet--I really need to heal first. Yes, what he did was very cowardly--he's definitely not the man I married.
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Old 7th July 2015, 10:26 PM   #643
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Hi Anna,

Well, I'm not ready to date yet--I really need to heal first. Yes, what he did was very cowardly--he's definitely not the man I married.
OH goodness its far too soon for that.
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Old 7th July 2015, 11:51 PM   #644
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
OH goodness its far too soon for that.
Looks like I responded to someone promoting a website. I didn't realize...

Yes, I can't even imagine dating now. I had a friend who was left by her husband of 10 years--she had a boyfriend in less than 4 months. She stayed with him, too. I couldn't move on that quickly. Everyone is different, I suppose.

In my case I just need to carve out a life for myself and when my marriage is officially over I'll move on when I'm ready. In the meantime, I'm trying to work on being a better LDT.
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Old 8th July 2015, 08:47 AM   #645
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Looks like I responded to someone promoting a website. I didn't realize...

Yes, I can't even imagine dating now. I had a friend who was left by her husband of 10 years--she had a boyfriend in less than 4 months. She stayed with him, too. I couldn't move on that quickly. Everyone is different, I suppose.

In my case I just need to carve out a life for myself and when my marriage is officially over I'll move on when I'm ready. In the meantime, I'm trying to work on being a better LDT.
Same here LDT couldn't even contemplate dating to any extent certainly one of the last things on my mind at the moment, even when I have been out for a drink with my female friend it has made me feel uneasy at times even though I have know her a long time and we get on really well.
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