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Old 19th March 2015, 05:41 AM   #616
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
But I think that maybe she does still love me but has lost her way somewhere along the line, surely you cant just stop loving someone for no reason after 20 years ?, I have done nothing wrong not to be loved by her, I was always a caring loving hard working affectionate husband, honest thoughtfull and trustworthy she has no reasons not to love me that I can think of or am I missing something ?.
I'm certainly not qualified to answer that. I was convinced my husband loved me and if anyone would have told me he'd leave me I would have said they were crazy. I've always been too idealistic--I was convinced that true love never dies. Now I'm somewhat jaded and struggling not to be bitter.

Did you have a nice evening with your company last night?
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Old 19th March 2015, 11:22 AM   #617
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi LDT yes thanks we had a nice chat for a couple of hours, how are you today ? our mutual situations have some similarities, if anyone had told me this time last year that I would be living in our marital home without my wife then I would of said they were crazy so I know exactly where your coming from, I think part of the problem for both of us and NDY is the shock of our marriages falling to pieces completely out of the blue, I just don't know what to do any more I have tried almost everything the only thing I have yet do is see the priest but I doubt that even that will make any difference, I think her heart is hardened towards me and her mind is set on us being apart probably forever, I pray frequently that things will change but I don't think that even god has the power to soften her heart, she was always so loving we both were , we were well known for our public shows of affection never a problem there, it just hurts so much but im not getting any where so I think the time will soon be coming to draw a line under 20 years of my life and crack on with building a new life in whatever way that takes me, must admit I could of done without this at 50 y/o I thought we were set up for life then bingo out of no where she drops the bomb, as with you and your husband I loved / still love my wife but her coldness and total lack of contact with me really hurts me and I don't understand why she hasn't even tried to to anything to fix the issues that have caused our separation / termination, to me marriage is sacred and her lack of effort is an insult not only to me but also to the memory of our relationship, such a shame because we had such a lovely time right through from our courting days, our engagement, then nearly 18 years of what I always thought was a happy marriage, I will never do this again I don't ever think I would want to be in a relationship with anyone else its just not going to happen.
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Old 19th March 2015, 03:33 PM   #618
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi LDT yes thanks we had a nice chat for a couple of hours, how are you today ? our mutual situations have some similarities, if anyone had told me this time last year that I would be living in our marital home without my wife then I would of said they were crazy so I know exactly where your coming from, I think part of the problem for both of us and NDY is the shock of our marriages falling to pieces completely out of the blue, I just don't know what to do any more I have tried almost everything the only thing I have yet do is see the priest but I doubt that even that will make any difference, I think her heart is hardened towards me and her mind is set on us being apart probably forever, I pray frequently that things will change but I don't think that even god has the power to soften her heart, she was always so loving we both were , we were well known for our public shows of affection never a problem there, it just hurts so much but im not getting any where so I think the time will soon be coming to draw a line under 20 years of my life and crack on with building a new life in whatever way that takes me, must admit I could of done without this at 50 y/o I thought we were set up for life then bingo out of no where she drops the bomb, as with you and your husband I loved / still love my wife but her coldness and total lack of contact with me really hurts me and I don't understand why she hasn't even tried to to anything to fix the issues that have caused our separation / termination, to me marriage is sacred and her lack of effort is an insult not only to me but also to the memory of our relationship, such a shame because we had such a lovely time right through from our courting days, our engagement, then nearly 18 years of what I always thought was a happy marriage, I will never do this again I don't ever think I would want to be in a relationship with anyone else its just not going to happen.
i'm sorry, Ralf. I wish you knew what was going on in her head so you could understand what was happening.

Yes, I never thought I'd be left all alone. I certainly never want to remarry. Just thinking about truly trusting someone again--I'm not sure I will ever be able to do that.

At this point if she is not willing to communicate you must keep going. I see you doing that--you are taking care of yourself--working, going to counseling, reaching out to others. These are good things. You are stronger than you know.
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Old 19th March 2015, 08:07 PM   #619
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

You guys, in time you may well learn to trust again, I did. I had a very sudden and traumatic marriage break up, along with finding out some truly terrible things about my then husband, 16 years ago, but 6 years later I met my now husband and we have been very happily married for 10 years this year. Yes it took me ages to really trust him, but he is a patient man and now I do trust him totally. Yes we both had lots of baggage from past hurts, we were in our late 40's when we met, and had lots to work though for the first 2 years especially, but we got through each thing stronger than before, and life for both of us is far better than it ever was.
Dont think your life is over, its not, God has a good future for you both, I am sure of that.
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Old 19th March 2015, 08:17 PM   #620
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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You guys, in time you may well learn to trust again, I did. I had a very sudden and traumatic marriage break up, along with finding out some truly terrible things about my then husband, 16 years ago, but 6 years later I met my now husband and we have been very happily married for 10 years this year. Yes it took me ages to really trust him, but he is a patient man and now I do trust him totally. Yes we both had lots of baggage from past hurts, we were in our late 40's when we met, and had lots to work though for the first 2 years especially, but we got through each thing stronger than before, and life for both of us is far better than it ever was.
Dont think your life is over, its not, God has a good future for you both, I am sure of that.
I doubt it chosen I really do, its not just trust but understanding, I thought I knew my wife inside out but even today I have found something about her that has surprised me, nothing horrible, nothing mean, nothing dishonest, or sordid, if anything its quite nice I think but she has become so unpredictable I just don't know her any more and that makes me feel sad that we have grown so far apart these past months that I don't know my wife any more.
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Old 19th March 2015, 08:44 PM   #621
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I am dying inside. And I've just downed an entire bottle of wine. Most unlike me.
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Old 19th March 2015, 08:51 PM   #622
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I wonder what you found out? Could you tell us? Or is it private?
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Old 19th March 2015, 09:17 PM   #623
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I cant say just in case she reads these forums she probably doesn't but being on my own has made me a bit paranoid
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Old 19th March 2015, 10:01 PM   #624
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Yeah, I think my husband might show all the angry emails I wrote him today to his lawyer. I am paranoid, as well.

But I sure got a lot of things off my chest.
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Old 19th March 2015, 10:24 PM   #625
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I doubt it chosen I really do, its not just trust but understanding, I thought I knew my wife inside out but even today I have found something about her that has surprised me, nothing horrible, nothing mean, nothing dishonest, or sordid, if anything its quite nice I think but she has become so unpredictable I just don't know her any more and that makes me feel sad that we have grown so far apart these past months that I don't know my wife any more.
yes I thought i knew my ex after 23 years of marriage as well.
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Old 20th March 2015, 06:05 PM   #626
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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yes I thought i knew my ex after 23 years of marriage as well.
I think this is what holds me back, she has stunned me so much she was the last person in the world that I thought would ever do anything to harm me in any way but maybe we all think that way or am I abnormal ?
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Old 20th March 2015, 06:07 PM   #627
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I think this is what holds me back, she has stunned me so much she was the last person in the world that I thought would ever do anything to harm me in any way but maybe we all think that way or am I abnormal ?
Nope, quite normal. We marry people we trust. We don't expect them to break our trust, we don't expect them to disrupt our marriage and our lives.
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Old 20th March 2015, 06:31 PM   #628
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I think this is what holds me back, she has stunned me so much she was the last person in the world that I thought would ever do anything to harm me in any way but maybe we all think that way or am I abnormal ?
No, this is not abnormal at all. My WW always despised people that had affairs. We always had trust. Now look at us. My WW has turned into the very thing she hated. But, I take strength from Chosen's story. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite happy to be single at the moment. I'm still licking my wounds but if I do meet someone they will be very lucky to have me. That's one of the gifts I've taken from all of this. I know I'm a better man than I was. I've learned so much especially on how much resolve I have. I believe we will all come out of this stronger and wiser.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 11:36 AM   #629
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

As the days get brighter my hopes grow darker, I miss her so much I would do almost anything for us to re-unite, I really really love her with all my heart even though this happened, I think we could make it work in fact I'm certain we could make it work, please dear god bring us back together again its sunday your day dear lord, please please perform the miracle for us and give us our marriage back.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 03:06 PM   #630
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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As the days get brighter my hopes grow darker, I miss her so much I would do almost anything for us to re-unite, I really really love her with all my heart even though this happened, I think we could make it work in fact I'm certain we could make it work, please dear god bring us back together again its sunday your day dear lord, please please perform the miracle for us and give us our marriage back.
Hey ralf. I'm not a religious man but do respect those that are. So have you ever wondered if your God wanted you to DO something? Take action by sorting yourself out? What would he say to you right now if he was standing right in front of you?
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