Help.

Hi.
I found out in January that my wife of 14 years was having an affair. This totally crushed me to the point my sister came to get me away.
I left the army for my family as deployments were getting to much for my family to cope with. She told me to chose the army or family because she couldn't go through another deployment. Seeing my family suffer like that I left the army but found it difficult coping as most do. I was depressed, I didn't know who I was anymore.
I got a really good job to provide for my family but this obviously wasn't enough.
I gave up everything for my family, to be with them without the heartache of being away for months on end.
I gave her everything she wanted. I did without so I could.
We never had much time together as we always lived so far away from relatives and I feel that was a huge part of our problems.
She would always go out with her friends. Even though she kept telling me we needed to be careful with our money.
She started going to the gym nearly every night while I finished work and sorted our children. I even said to her she was going to much and the girls never saw her.
Well it turned out she was seeing a personal trainer from the gym.
I reported it to the gym as I feel he used his profession to get close to my wife even though she wasn't his client. They didn't want to know.
6 month on and me living in a flat on my own he still stays 3 nights a week but says he won't move in because it was our home.
He's 28 and still lives with his parents.
So many times when she has dropped off our children she has cried in my arms. Says that she still loves me and wishes we could go back to how it was but then says we can't.
I have told her we can be a family again but everytime she gets close to making the jump she goes cold. And gets quite nasty.
This time she has told the OM and says she needs space to think. But then calls me on her way to work. Messages me on an evening.
I felt so close to getting my family back but now she seems to be doing a u turn again.
I don't have time as I live away from my home county so that she could be near her parents. And I need to put in a transfer with work as I can't live around here because it hurts so much. The lease on my flat is about to expire and she knows and says she doesn't want me out of her life. But still reluctant at giving our family a chance. Because she will loose what she has with him.
My time us running out. I have told her my time is quickly running out but she still hasn't said what she wants. I don't really want to leave. I still love her so much and the thought of not seeing my children as often is crushing me. But if I'm not with them I can't live here. I've tried.

[Raymond]

A classic case of she wants her cake and to eat it. This is not the first time a fitness trainers has done this on here.

The truth of the matter is that she is in adultery and has broken her marriage vows. You need to be very straight and give her an ultimatum. Him or you. I think it is despicable that he is going to your house three days a week when he knows that she is married to you.

If you have the courage the best thing you can do is to tell her that you can not accept her back until she is sorry about what she did. That will make her think and you need to stick to that. Coming back as she is will be using you, especially if she is not even sorry about what she has done. If the marriage contnues it will take a long time for the trust to be restored so it would need to start with a sincere repentance from her. If that is not there I don't see much hope to be honest.

He really doesn't care that she's married at all. We were going through a rough time and he was a vulture.
She has said she's sorry so many times and that she regrets it all. But how can she if she's still carrying it on.
Everytime I pull away she reels me back in then stops. She has repeatedly said she wishes we could be a family again but still won't let us.
I've told her my transfer needs to go in and she needs to decide.
If it's no then I'll be gone. Even though it will crush me more but I can't keep doing this.

[chosen]

Until she stop seeing the OM nothing will work. I feel for you.

She's apparently told him how she feels and wants space.
I won't wait to see if they work or not and be second best. She has to chose me over him or it won't work for me.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Confusedste

She's apparently told him how she feels and wants space.
I won't wait to see if they work or not and be second best. She has to chose me over him or it won't work for me.

Yes I agree. She has to make that decision now. TO only want to come back if it doesnt work between them isnt going to work, because what is to stop her meeting another man?

I don't understand after all this time we're still going round in circles. If she says she still loves me and wants us to be a family again. Why won't she? I really don't get it.

[chosen]

Next time she says that, give her a choice. a) cut off all contact with the OM completely and come home or b) stop contacting you completely unless its something urgent about the children. Unless you begin to be firm she will carry on messing you around.