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Old 27th August 2014, 07:43 PM   #76
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

God does help, He helps us IN things that are hard and painful, but as I said before He has given us free will, and for whatever reason your wife has chosen to leave for the time being. So He cant and wont force anyone to do the right thing, that is their choice in the end, but He does remain with us while we are suffering, and he is like the life belt to keep us afloat.

MY husband prayed and fasted one day a week for a year when his wife decided she wanted to separate. After that year they did get back together, but after a few months she met another man and divorced him. Even the pastor told her she had no reason to end the marriage, but her attitude was, "no one can tell ME I cant get divorced", and she stopped going to church. You see she wasnt listening to God, and nor is your wife.

The thing is that it seems like the end when you loose a spouse, but we are proof that there is life after divorce, and what can be a much better life as well. God restores all that we have lost and He gives us new beginnings and fresh starts. You still have hope that this may not happen, and hopefully she will come to her senses.

Alf, has anyone from your church been to see your wife and talked to her about what she is doing? She needs to be made aware that as a Christian, she has no reason to leave her marriage.
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Old 27th August 2014, 09:06 PM   #77
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

No but our friend the vicar has offered to mediate or speak with her alone she says she has no need for either at the moment but I wont let that go and will ask her again on Saturday, thank you Chosen for all your help so far I feel so desperate about this and have been crying again
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Old 27th August 2014, 09:58 PM   #78
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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No but our friend the vicar has offered to mediate or speak with her alone she says she has no need for either at the moment but I wont let that go and will ask her again on Saturday, thank you Chosen for all your help so far I feel so desperate about this and have been crying again
She probably doesnt want to see him because she knows that she isnt doing the right thing.
How does she think that merely living away is going to help her if she is doing nothing about any of the things that she says are affecting her?
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Old 28th August 2014, 08:23 AM   #79
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Thanks Chosen I agree with you, I have been having a think and for my own health and well being I need to know exactly why she is not here, I am going to wait until Saturday and ask her outright, because what you are all saying is true that if im not the real problem thn why is she not dealing with her problems here with her husband within our home and our marriage that I thought was so sacred to her
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Old 28th August 2014, 09:43 AM   #80
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Being in this limbo situation is very hard for you. Not knowing if the marriage will end or not is very difficult. You are sort of grieving for the loss of the marriage, but not really knowing why she left or if she will come back. I feel for you.
I wish there was someone from the church who would just go round and talk to her and challenge her. Has she stopped going to church?
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Old 28th August 2014, 10:12 AM   #81
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

She hasn't been as far as I know since she left, I still go a couple of times a week though, I think on Saturday she needs to know what this is doing to me, the stress, the anxiety, the pain, the weight loss, not eating properly all the things that are so hard to cope with as the nights get darker here, at the moment she only sees me a few hours per week and I shave, wash, dress smart for her and really try to make an effort to be calm and nice, I don't entirely hold back my emotions but I do keep them mostly under control because what woman would even think about coming back to a house with an emotional wreck ? but a female friend of ours said she needs to know the consequences of her actions, plus in the next couple of months she will be withdrawing her share of the mortgage payment and that is going to cause me added stress and our friend says she needs to know this, with regards me then I'm 49 years old and in love with my wife even though she is hurting me so badly I cant help that, I am scared of the future because while I'm not a bad looking bloke with a full head of hair I do suffer with rheumatoid arthritis especially badly in my right knee and walk with a limp and often use a stick, lets be realistic here even if I wanted to meet someone else in future what woman in her right mind would want anything to do with me ?, you see my wife has always been very caring towards me and has helped me with hospital appointments and been understanding about my mobility problem and never been ashamed to be out with me but I doubt very much that there are as many caring people out there that would be as kind to me, not that I want to meet anyone I don't I just want my marriage back on track but I am genuinely scared of being alone and scared of the future, I don't even drive these days because of the leg and my left arm, my life that used to be so wonderful is now a total mess and quite frankly at the moment I hate my life, I know what a bad thing that is to say but it's true and I also hate myself because somewhere along the line I must of done something for all this to happen.
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Old 28th August 2014, 10:35 AM   #82
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Firstly I have to tell you that bad things happen to us often through no fault of our own. God doesnt inflict horrible things onto us because we have been bad, they happen because we live in a fallen world, and because people hurt us and betray us.

Secondly, when I met my husband I had an arthritic condition(still have to some extent) that meant I was limping and other illness such as very frequent migraines and viral infections and he still married me. he too wasnt in the best of condition as he has been under such stress with the divorce and rejection that he was constantly tired and drained.

Thirdly, she has stopped going to church because she knows she is acting badly, that's what people who leave their marriages often do.

Forthy, I tend to agree with your friend. As yet she hasnt really had to feel any consequences of leaving her marriage, or really seen the terrible effects this is having on you. Could your mutual friend go and see her and confront her with the truth?

fithly, if the house is in joint names, she needs to carry on paying towards the mortgage until such time as the house is sold and the agreed amount shared between you(if that happens)

sixth we were both in our late 40's when we met and married. Men in the church have far more chance of meeting a Christian lady, there are few available men in the church for the women to meet.

Lastly, at the least she needs to be honest with you about why she left and what her future plans are.
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Old 28th August 2014, 06:12 PM   #83
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen as always you talk a lot of sense you are a very kind lady your Mr Chosen is a very lucky man, however even if I wanted to meet a new good Christian lady our congregation is very small and the females are generally very old or widows, I get the impression you are in the US, here in the UK unfortunately church going is not as popular as it once was, personally I would like life to be similar to the Amish way of life, simpler, more genuine, and with religion at its heart but the UK isn't like that any more I'm afraid.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 28th August 2014 at 06:17 PM. Reason: extra text
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Old 28th August 2014, 07:40 PM   #84
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi Chosen as always you talk a lot of sense you are a very kind lady your Mr Chosen is a very lucky man, however even if I wanted to meet a new good Christian lady our congregation is very small and the females are generally very old or widows, I get the impression you are in the US, here in the UK unfortunately church going is not as popular as it once was, personally I would like life to be similar to the Amish way of life, simpler, more genuine, and with religion at its heart but the UK isn't like that any more I'm afraid.
No I agree. I too am British, my husband is Australian. I have found it depends on what church you go to. The more formal traditional churches are as you say, but the more relaxed informal ones(which we prefer) tend to have more younger people.

I do understand. It was 4 years after my marriage ended that I had any interest at all in meeting anyone else, and another 2 years after that before I met my husband. We actually met on line, as did about 6 other Christian couples who I know.
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Old 28th August 2014, 10:08 PM   #85
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I'm very pleased your both so happy I pray that it stays like that forever for you both, I remember how that happiness once felt now I don't think I will ever feel happy ever again, as I type I am surrounded by our wedding photos and my wife and I are so happy in them, that wonderful day was 17 years ago 7/6/97 and I thought that remained until 7 weeks ago last night.
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Old 29th August 2014, 04:54 PM   #86
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I am feeling guilty, for the first time today since our separation I started to feel angry with my wife for what she has done, I have not spoke to her or relayed this to her the anger is / was in my head but I don't like it and am going to church tomorrow to repent my sinful feeling from earlier.
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Old 29th August 2014, 05:01 PM   #87
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Its perfectly normal for you to feel angry at what she has done. Anger isn't a sin. Its a normal human reaction.

Last edited by chosen; 29th August 2014 at 05:27 PM.
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Old 30th August 2014, 11:58 AM   #88
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I still don't like feeling that way about her though, we spoke earlier and we are meeting up for a walk tomorrow, I have been thinking up a way to find out more about what is going on in her head, I am going to show a lot of interest and curiosity in to how she is going to find herself and what she is going to do in order to achieve that, I think maybe this whole situation is more about whats in her head than our marriage, maybe she is just very confused right now and needs to sort her head out, she is now talking about putting herself on the NHS nurse bank in order to get more work at weekends so it helps her pass the time easier, this tells me she is getting bored at the weekends and she never used to, just like me she used to love our weekends at home but now she is obviously not happy and is getting bored, she even told me that she is going back to bed for a few hours in order to waste some of the day away, I am just thinking of ways to use this to my advantage, any suggestions ?.
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Old 30th August 2014, 03:29 PM   #89
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

i have been to church lit a candle and prayed so hard on my knees at the alter the tears were running down my cheeks and my heart was breaking because it was the church we got married in and I wished it was that day of happiness and joy all over again, I love my wife I miss her and I'm lonely and I can't cope with these feelings of loneliness and fear that we may be finished for ever, please god please hear my prayers I am a good honest hard working man who loves his darling wife please god bring her home to me before I die of a broken heart.
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Old 30th August 2014, 09:47 PM   #90
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I also hate myself because somewhere along the line I must of done something for all this to happen.
Hi Ralf,

I have just dug out a line from a book by Katy Piper, a lady who went through a terrible ordeal. I hope it helps you as it did me : -

"You simply can't control everything that happens to you and you have to accept that some of it wont make any sense. If you try to change the things you can't, you'll tie yourself up in knots and may miss out on good things and new opportunities that might be right in front of you"

This isn't your fault, it's nothing you did. You could analyze the ifs and buts but like Katy said, it will tie you up in knots and hinder you.

You are clearly a lovely man and your wife knows that deep down. These issues are hers. Where she goes from here is a choice only she can make. A bird can't fly on a broken wing and a marriage is the same. Only your wife can fix herself.

I know that terrible feeling of limbo, it's horrible. My only advise is your promised to love your wife in sickness and in health, try to just accept this as sickness and hang on in there for as long as you can. You were inspirational to me 2 weeks ago when I posted, try to find that fighting spirit again.

I think Chosen has given you some cracking advise. Don't think the worst yet - I think there is hope for you but don't analyse it or you will tie yourself up in knots and make yourself sick. Process those 5 stages of grief, it's important to do so.

Invest in yourself, try and use this time to re-discover yourself, possibly pursue a new interest, hobby, etc - i'm enjoying swimming at the moment.

Good luck Ralf.
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