Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th July 2014, 04:08 PM   #16
alwaysl8
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 18
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

Yes, it is high!! That's only for 3 days! He's due to increase to 4 days when his 15hrs kick-in next month, so the cost stays around the same. I'm particularly keen to keep him in a nursery environment because he finds it hard - that sounds mean! He's pretty well behaved at home but he really struggles to focus and behave at nursery. He flits from one activity to another and disrupts others in the process...I want to stamp that out before he starts school next September!

I'm going to call the CTC helpline and double check. I could certainly do with the money. I've applied online for the Council tax discount and might be entitled to some housing benefit but only once my husband stops paying and i know what borough I'll be living in.

I know I'll be ok eventually and the pain will ease but I'm scared about what my life will be like as a single mum. This last week has been so lonely once my son goes to bed and I've got years of that ahead. I tried to look up tips on things to do in the evenings at home and stumbled across a forum of mums all saying how its not got any easier and how hard they still find it. My heart sank. I'm trying to be proactive and look up saturday classes for my son, so I can meet new people but if I have to move miles away, I'll feel even more isolated. Having said that, I'm now wondering if moving would help me accept it's over? Oh gosh, what a mess!
alwaysl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2014, 05:06 PM   #17
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysl8 View Post
I have looked into CTC but apparently I earn too much to be entitled to anything - I can't imagine how that can be true but perhaps I fall into that unlucky grey area...I'll check again, thank you.

He has offered to pay towards my son's nursery costs, which are over £800pm. that alone brings his payments above what the maintenance calculator says he should pay, so I don't feel I can ask for more but I'll never see any of that money - it will go straight to our son's nursery, so I'll basically have no money towards monthly expenditure. I have mentioned this but he says that it's all he can afford...

We rent the place we live in - hence why he's offered to pay towards the house for two months - that's our notice period.

He has completely disconnected. He seems able to do it quite easily - I've just never been on the receiving end before. I feel so helpless. I don't want our marriage and family to be over but I'm clearly alone in that feeling.
How about you downside your home? A flat would be far cheaper than a house. Could you even live with a relative till you get sorted out?

Also £800 a month for part time nursery is very high. My son and his wife will pay £720 a month for 4 full days a week, and he is only a year old. For a 3-4 year old as yours is, you get about 16 hours a week free don't you? Then the money he pays will help you towards rent etc. Once he is at school you will only need to pay someone to have him before and after school so that will help a lot.

I think you need to go the CAB and also get legal advise. He may say thats all he can afford but its not for him to decide that. Do you know his earnings?

IT is horrible for you and your child. He has effective abandoned you both. I was a single mum for 6 years and I too struggled. Its not nice and I feel for you so much.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2014, 10:14 PM   #18
alwaysl8
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 18
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

When I move, my intention is to downsize but even then rent in London is so expensive. I don't have a massive family, just my mum and siblings, both of which still live at home! I know whatever decisions i make, I need to be able support myself.

My nursery fees are high but again, they are around here - i'm paying the going rate, unfortunately. He's due his 15hrs from September and that will bring is fees down to £790. I know my expenditure will come down when he starts school but that's a year away and right now, each day feels like a decade.

I think you hit the nail on the head - I do feel abandoned. He's been gone 10 days and in that time he's gone from saying he cares and still wants to be there for us, to no contact with me. I'm left with all these decisions to make, finances to juggle, along with trying to be mum and not show my son any signs of a problem. It's so overwhelming and yet he's just packed up his stuff and gets to do as he pleases. If he wants to go out, he can. If he wants to lie in bed and cry (that's a big if!), he can.

6 years - any tips on how to cope with the loneliness? I'm struggling so much. my son goes to bed at 7 and the evening is so quiet and lonely now. I hate it. :-(
alwaysl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2014, 11:56 PM   #19
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

If my Maths is correct, you must be paying something like £8+ an hour for Nursery? My goodness, that is high - I think I would put him in for the free 15 hours only and try and get a job to cover as close to that many hours as possible and then claim whatever benefits you are entitled to.

You would surely be entitled to a decent amount. Plus, your husband would still be paying you a decent amount each month which is money in the bank. You would be entitled to housing benefit too if renting.

I know it doesn't sound a very good way and I understand what you are saying about having him in Nursery more but needs are a must so perhaps it's just not going to be practical.

Either way, don't be disheartened - there is a solution to every problem and you will find the answer. All it's very raw, don't be too hard on yourself. You need time to process this all. Have you researched the 5 stages of grief?

You wont be single and lonely forever, there are many people on here that have found true happiness, Chosen is a great example of this but again, it's all a bit too early and raw for you to see any hope or a future at the moment. This is all natural (5 stages)

Is your husband planning on having any contact with your child?, i.e. regular weekends, etc?

Try to invest in yourself where possible. Simple things such as a new haircut, getting nails done, new item, of clothing can really help. I know money is tight but you don't have to spend a fortune. If someone can babysit perhaps 1 night a week then have a look at joining new club. salsa dancing, karate, anything that get's you both out of your comfort zone and gives you a break from the situation. Things will get better.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 07:32 AM   #20
alwaysl8
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 18
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

I wake up each morning feeling physically sick. Another day has gone by and it's still the same. He's just cut me out of his life. I worry that he'll think I've done the same thing because technically, I'm not calling or texting him either - I want to but the fact that he doesn't seem to want to save our relationship, stops me. The things I want to say to him aren't of interest to him - he doesn't want to talk about solutions, go to counselling. I want to tell him I miss him but what good is that if he doesn't want me anymore?

I want him to be happy but it kills me to think that he's decided that means a life without me.

I don't know what the hourly rate is at nursery, in their price guide, they just give a monthly costs, broken down by how many morning/afternoon sessions are done.

We had originally agreed Tuesday and Thursday after work and Sunday for the day (he has another son, who he sees every other Saturday). However since he left, he's only come on Sunday - all but yesterday's visits, he wasn't able to come due to work commitments. When I asked him to talk on Wednesday, he said he was busy and we could talk on Thursday but he got angry that I was upset that he was choosing to work late, rather than come here to talk, so ended up saying he'll just come on Sunday. It was at that point I said he can't pick and choose when he comes and that work can't come first - he denied he was putting work before his visits (despite the fact it's clearly true!) and then said he had nothing more to say to me. That was the last I heard from him, apart from one text yesterday asking how my son was...

Finances aside, do people think I should move? Packing up and leaving this house feels so overwhelming but I wonder if it will help me accept it's over - a clean break. There are many pros to staying in the house that I am in - even if I can muddle through for a while, until I feel stronger and like the decision to move is based on my own choice, rather than him leaving and telling me I need to find somewhere else. Or do I just throw myself in at the deep end, clean slate, find a new home, new nursery, new area. I'm so confused. I don't want to stay here because subconsciously i'm hoping he can come back or to move means I've accepted its over. I'm going back and forth and until I finally commit to staying or moving, I'm in this limbo; I want to enroll my son is a group, so i can meet other parents, I want to try and find local things for me to do but again, I don't want to spend time and money doing that around here, if I'm moving in a few weeks and can't see it through.
alwaysl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 09:46 AM   #21
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

My son and his wife live in Middlesex just outside London, and they only pay about 5.50 an hour for nursery, about £45 for an 8.5 hour day. I cant believe that you pay so much not that far away? What hours do you actually work? Would a child minder be cheaper, I am sure they don't charge anything like that and he may well be happier in a smaller more homely environment.

London is terribly expensive, I don't know how anyone manages to afford to live there.

Well in my case I had three older children when my marriage suddenly ended after 23 years, age 14. 18 and 21. I was so traumatized and desperate to help them that thoughts of myself were low down the list. I cant pretend it wasn't bad. I managed to hang onto our house till my son left home 2 1/2 years later, as he was paying 25% of his income as rent, but my 2 daughters and I did have to move to an even small home then. Money was always tight and I was always in debt. I had no parents round for support either.
I did have my Christians faith and that did seem to help me keep going. However bad I felt, I was always aware of this small flickering light in the darkness, and that was Jesus. I did have that hope that things would improve one day, and after meeting my husband they did.

I do think you need to get some legal advise, and also go to the CAB. If you husband earns a good wage, he may well need to pay more than he thinks he will.

Last edited by chosen; 25th July 2014 at 10:01 AM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 01:13 PM   #22
alwaysl8
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 18
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

I felt so low this morning that I text him. I tried to keep it light (as possible) and just said I was finding it hard not hearing from him and if he felt anything close to how I was, I wanted him to know I do miss him and want to contact him but am trying to respect his decision to end things - not because I don't care. His reply was interesting and I'd like your thoughts...

He said he doesn't want it to be over either. He feels like he's failed and if he can't get me to love him, then nobody will (???). He said things got progressively worse and we basically stopped talking or interacting at all. So now he doesn't know if what we are feeling means it's worth fighting for or whether it's the fear of loss and the unknown, because when we were living together, we didn't act like we wanted each other.

He said the last 2 weeks have been horrible but he thinks we need this separation to see what happens...

Now I'm confused. He left, said I should give notice on the house and seems to think we're waiting to see what happens??? I replied to say that this is why I suggested going to counselling, so they could help us work this stuff out together and that waiting to see what happens, when we're having no contact and I'm having to mentally prepare for a life without him/moving etc, doesn't lend itself to feeling happy, optimistic things about our future. I obviously started this post asking how I'd know if I'm feeling scared of things ending or whether it's because I really want him, so I completely agree we need to work out our feeling. I'm just not sure I agree with his approach...

He didn't reply to my text but before i say or do anything, I wonder your take on this is...
alwaysl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 01:44 PM   #23
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

Well you do need to know because of the house and arrangements for your future, so maybe you could remind him of that?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 01:45 PM   #24
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

Why not use the 15 free hours for the nursery pay for 2 of the 3 days that he goes now? if you are only working three days why does he need to go for 4?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 02:34 PM   #25
alwaysl8
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 18
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

I'm scared if I push, he'll just say if I need to know now, then the answer is it's over but like you say, I don't want to waste time and energy looking for a new house, if I don't definitely need to move...plus i don't want it to be over!

Should i invite him to counselling? I've talked about going but wonder if I should outright ask him to go, so he can't sidestep the option. Or do I respect how he wants us to proceed?

The plan had always been to increase him to 4 days from September and then increase to 5 before he starts school. Partly because he struggles in the structured environment and we wanted to help tackle that before he starts school. However, I have been basing my finances on him going for 3 days for the time being but asking my husband to still pay the £800, which would ease the pressure until I can go full time in January.
alwaysl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 02:36 PM   #26
alwaysl8
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 18
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

oh and he's not entitled to the 15hrs yet.
alwaysl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 03:56 PM   #27
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

All this talk about failing you and if he can't get you to love him then nobody will makes me think that he has lost his equilibrium. You both have lost your path and he can't see a way out. I think this stonewalling you is almost a pride and ego thing kicking it. Like a defense mechanism, I don't think he means to be mean. He hasn't got that fighting spirit that you have.

Clearly the separation has made you realise you don't want to loose him. He is telling you he feels the same and doesn't want it to be over but not acting on it, hence the above.

Counselling seems the logical way forward. Try and get him to agree to a date. It would do you both the world of good. Your mind is running at a million miles an hour, it's hard to work this stuff out alone.

As for the house situation. It's all very early doors, you have no idea where you are really so just hold fire for now and take one step at a time is my advice.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 08:00 PM   #28
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysl8 View Post
I'm scared if I push, he'll just say if I need to know now, then the answer is it's over but like you say, I don't want to waste time and energy looking for a new house, if I don't definitely need to move...plus i don't want it to be over!

Should i invite him to counselling? I've talked about going but wonder if I should outright ask him to go, so he can't sidestep the option. Or do I respect how he wants us to proceed?

The plan had always been to increase him to 4 days from September and then increase to 5 before he starts school. Partly because he struggles in the structured environment and we wanted to help tackle that before he starts school. However, I have been basing my finances on him going for 3 days for the time being but asking my husband to still pay the £800, which would ease the pressure until I can go full time in January.

Sending him to nursery for such long hours every day wont help him when he goes to school. School days are far shorter and structured completely differently than days at nursery. My older daughter worked in a nursery for about a year, and to be honest they are chaotic most of the time, never have enough staff due to appalling pay, and basically all she was doing was trying to control them and sort out the naughty ones.
Surely you can have him with you when you arent at work and that will mean you have more money to pay bills and rent? I cant understand why you wouldnt want him there when you could have him at home on your days off especially if you are so short of money. He needs to be with you as much as he can as well, he must be feeling so unsettled.

Last edited by chosen; 25th July 2014 at 08:05 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 08:01 PM   #29
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysl8 View Post
oh and he's not entitled to the 15hrs yet.
No but soon.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2014, 10:03 PM   #30
alwaysl8
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 18
Re: Help! How do you know if it's really over?

The plan for him to increase to four days was made when we were together, based on our thinking that it would help prepare him for going to school 5 days a week - it's not that I don't want him at home with me, we just thought it would help him.

As things are no longer as they were, my budget is now based on him going for 3 days and asking my husband to still give £800, which would give me about £200 extra towards bills.

To be honest, I don't think he is feeling unsettled. My husband wasn't around a great deal, so in some senses, very little has changed for the two of us. We do everything together and are never apart, apart from when he's at nursery - I think I'm a constant for him and as long as I don't give him the impression there is a problem, he's none the wiser and pretty content. To give some perspective, long before we split up, my son's standard introduction to anybody was - this is my mummy and my daddy's at work. If my husband was to be home during the week, he'd see my son for 20 minutes each night before bed. When I put it like that, I'm shocked I didn't ask him to change jobs, before we got to this point...
alwaysl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:18 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer