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Old 9th August 2014, 12:42 PM   #1
Pinkstripes
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Marriage help

Hi, basically me and my husband separated a few months together and he temporarily moved out of our family home. We have 3 children together. We are now trying to fix our relationship. Day to day life between us is good we get on really well and are really good friends, I think that is part of the problem. My problem is when it comes to us having sex it's really not something I want to do. There's something in my mind where I feel it's wrong and it's not a nice thought. We became very distant over the past couple of years and have improved over parts of our relationship I just don't know how to change this. We both want things to work out so much I just need to somehow get past this.
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Old 9th August 2014, 01:14 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Marriage help

Hi Pinkstripes. Is there anything in your past that may have caused this aversion to sex? Were you bought up to believe that sex is somehow nasty or dirty?
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Old 9th August 2014, 09:17 PM   #3
Pinkstripes
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Re: Marriage help

Thank you for your reply, no absolutely nothing. There's no reason I can find behind it only perhaps that we have become more like friends we want to fix things so much just don't know how to
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Old 9th August 2014, 10:56 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Marriage help

I am wondering if some good marriage counseling may help.

I would also just like to mention some things I have learnt. One is that for men especially, sex is very important in a marriage. If they are rejected they see it as a rejection of themselves. Sex enables men to be more open emotionally and it also helps the couple to bond together and stay close emotionally. I notice for myself that if we have sex I feel closer to my husband, and if we have been a while without sex I feel more distant. So its sort of like a vicious circle, because you go a long time with no sex, so you feel more distant, which means you feel less like having sex together etc, so you really need to try and get out of that negative cycle.

Another very important thing I have learnt is that you really dont actually have to always FEEL like having sex to have it. After all its not all about US is it in marriage, but about what we do for our spouses who we love and want to please. So I wonder if you could actually make a decision to have sex with your husband, say once a week, and make an effort to try and enjoy it, and even if you dont, pretend you are enjoying it for his sake. There cant be much worse than having sex with a reluctant partner who you KNOW would rather be going to sleep. Who knows, if you make that effort for him, you may actually begin to enjoy it again anyway.

Another thing is that some couples find it helpful to actually schedule a night in the week for sex. May sound a bit weird, but with children etc things can get so busy that sex can get a low priority.
Do you have date nights where you can just have some time alone without the children? If not, try and get a babysitter and go out together on a fairly regular basis. Time alone is important. If you have good relatives who can have the children, why not have an occasional weekend away together. There are also many good marriage weekends or marriage courses that are very helpful as well. Google 'marriage courses' or 'marriage weekends' or 'marriage enrichment' and you will finds that several come up.

Have you read a book called 'The Five love languages?' Its by Gary Chapman and I think you may both find it very useful. Its not about sex, but about each finding out what each other love languages are, and making an effort to love our spouses in those ways.
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Old 10th August 2014, 09:51 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Marriage help

I agree with Chosen's advice and cannot add to it. You have had three children so there has been activity.

Sometimes this guilt can be from a religious upbringing where we are told sex is wrong and this is right when it is outside of marriage. Many however still feel guilt and have never learned to adjust within marriage. Scripture endorses sex in marriage and says the marriage bed is undefiled so there is no reason to feel guilty about it. I feel that if you had the right knowledge you could adjust your attitude in light of that and learn to enjoy the God given gift of sex. I think it is very important that both enjoy the gift of sex not just the husband.
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Old 11th August 2014, 01:50 PM   #6
ronnoco
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Re: Marriage help

Hello Pinkstripes,

Having 3 children is very taxing - I know this first hand ;-)

Perhaps you have gotten a bit lost just being 'mum' and sex has become just another chore.

My advice would be to rekindle the romance. Start dating again, enjoy a romantic meal out or at home with a bottle of wine, perhaps a weekend away if money will allow. A suggestion I always like is you write a list of all the things you would like to do, i.e. trip to the Theatre, meal out, etc - your husband does the same and perhaps once a fortnight you do one thing off the list?

Try and get some quality time together. Something else, when you have a problem like yours, it can subconsciously play on your mind to the point where you are are worrying before it even happens. If you keep thinking about getting bad thoughts you will keep getting them and it becomes a vicious circle. One way or the other, you need to overcome them and not allow them to bother you.

Hang on there, i'm sure you can get through this problem.
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