Wife Choosing Her Family Over Me

[ukhubby75]

Hi Forum,

I have been married to my wife for 6 years. She is from the USA and I am from the UK. She agreed to live in the UK as I made it clear from the outset that I would never live in the USA and she was unhappy in the States anyway and wanted to move to the UK.

6 years on she has spent 2 out of 6 years in the States visiting her family and friends. Therefore she has not really worked over here in the UK as she needs that flexibility. She also will not have any kids as she thinks that will impact her flexibility to look after her parents when they need it. We are both almost 40 years of age.

She has spent 2 years in USA stating that she misses her family and her parents who are elderly need her (when both in fact work full time so surely dont need that much help). She says that if either parents falls ill that she will go back and take care of them regardless of how long they need her - which could span years. She also says that the surviving one will come to live with us over here.

Now I dont mind looking after her parents or one coming to stay with us or even both coming to stay with us and us looking after them, but my wife insists that they wont come over here and she will go. This means that she wont have a fixed job, doesnt want to have a family and wants no financial commitments or ties as all would impact her looking after her parents.

What I dont get is that she left home when she was 18 for university and never lived with her parents for the whole 17 years thereafter and before our marriage as she didnt have freedom. Now she wants to spend time with them as she realises that they are getting elderly. But 2 out of 6 years is too much and I wake up everyday waiting for her to announce she is going as they need her. She has done this so many times leaving 3 months and 6 months at a time by giving me less than 10 days notice - examples like my dad is depressed I need to go - no discussion nothing.

Whenever I go visit the States with her she spends all her time with her parents and sister and doesnt give me a look in. They are critical of me and she sides with them even though she admits they are wrong. She breaks any plans with me as soon as her sister wants to do something.

I am at my wits end - is this normal? Should I break up as what is it I have to look forward to? I wake up everyday and it is like daja vu as we have no medium or long term plans or goals.

[Raymond]

Sounds like she wanted to move to the UK and now misses the USA perhaps. Having second thoughts about the UK?

With regard to her parents is she the only child? Normally marriage should be the priority although of course she will obviously feel a concern for her parents. It seems to me she is here in flesh but not in spirit. Maybe she is using her parents as an excuse to go back as a break as she cannot really settle here? Hasn't really make that break inside?

It is a real problem which is worthy of marriage counseling I think. Presumably you have put it to her how you feel. This is affecting your marriage in a detrimental way it seems and I can understand why. Your marriage should be the number one priority. It's not going to work if she is continually overuling your wishes, although I would recommend you are sympathetic to real problems.

Really the answer is to listen to your side of it perhaps in a marriage counseling situation.

[chosen]

Did you know before you married that she wasnt going to work? Did you know that she didnt want children? Did you know that she was going to spend so much time over there?

IT sounds as if her parents are still pretty young and capable, both working full time. What are they, in their 60's? They may not need that sort of help for another 15-20 years and they do have another daughter if that is the case. I am also concerned that she puts them first before you, and also that they criticize you and that she sides with them. That is very wrong, she does need to cut those emotional ties and cleave to you. It sounds as if her family are rather dysfunctional. They should be be telling her to be with you not them.

I agree that some good marriage counseling is needed. In laws issues can be very damaging for a marriage.
My husband is Australian by the way, I am British, and he only went back there twice in 17 years, and his mum came over twice in that time. My step son now lives in OZ and he only comes back every couple of years for 2 or 3 weeks. Her constant trips are excessive.