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Old 17th March 2008, 09:36 PM   #31
Raymond
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Re: asking for your prayers

You need a lot of courage HC. Somehow I get the feeling that she doesn't think you will go through with it. When you do it will concentrate her mind. A moment of truth. Maybe it will take this. I don't think it is healthy to allow her this double mindedness all this time. She is committing adultery under your very nose. That why I thought that you seemed a little bit too passive. Adultery is a terrible thing. It wrenches your guts out. Having said that I feel that the divorce is the way ahead. As some say believe for the best but be ready for the worse. Divorce is not necessarily the end of the road if by some miracle things were reversed. I have heard of divorcees re-marrying, but for the moment you have to be strong and kick her out so to speak. She doesn't have the right to you at the moment and please do not accept her back if she is not sorry. Be strong HC. He is with you.

Raymond
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Old 18th March 2008, 01:49 PM   #32
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

We talked last night and she told me that she can not give him up. She said that she knows that she could be happy with me and make everything work, but she just can not give him up. I asked how she could choose this when she says she could love me the same and save our family. She said she feels like he is who she is supposed to be with. I am told her that i would have the papers sent to her today at work. I am really sad today, and still really confused at how she could do what she is doing. I guess i just have to deal with it and move on. Please pray for God to give me the strength.
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Old 18th March 2008, 07:08 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: asking for your prayers

I think she is being deceived but she is going to have to find that out the hard way it appears. She obviously doesn't read the bible or she would know the seriousness of what she is doing. You have to look to the future for yourself HC and your children. I hope in time you will find someone who is faithful and who would appreciate your steadiness, but for the time being my prayers are with you. It is a terrible thing to happen especially from someone who appears to be masquerading as a christian.

This can work to your good in the long run amazingly if you let it, although it is very hard now. Doesn't the scripture say all things work together for good to those who love God to those who are the called according to His purpose? There is nothing right in what happended but God can amazingly use it for good.

God bless you

Raymond
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Old 19th March 2008, 02:25 PM   #34
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

I believe she is really being decieved as well. You are right about the fact that she will find it out the hard way. It is just too bad that her learning experience has to come at the expense of me and our children. That is what i really have a hard time understanding and accepting. She still seems to really be in deep thought about what is going on. I don't know if she is really still wondering what she wants, or if she is just overwhelmed by the fact that it is becoming more real now. Either way, she is still with him and not willing at this point to own her mistakes.
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Old 19th March 2008, 03:02 PM   #35
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Re: asking for your prayers

Forgive me for asking this, but where are the children on her list of priorities right now? Is she being attentive to their needs or completely focussed on her own?
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Old 19th March 2008, 03:46 PM   #36
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

Well, if you ask her she will tell you that they are high on her priority list. If you follow her actions, it shows that she really only cares about herself at this point. She does not spend any quality time with them and leaves every weekend and does not even call home to talk to them. She just suggested that i do not come this weekend with to her parents house for Easter "considering the circumstances" Keep in mind that we have not told the kids anything about what is going on yet. So, she leaves every weekend and now that it is a holiday and the kids get gifts and a wonderful weekend that she wants them to associate that with just her? It is not fair to me at all!!! But, with the kids best interest in mind: They probably could use some time with mom, grandma, grandpa, etc. I do not want to keep them from what the norm would be for them on this holiday just because i don't think it is fair to me. Although, they would have to be wondering why i am not with them.
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Old 19th March 2008, 04:31 PM   #37
Micou
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Re: asking for your prayers

I hope you don't mind that I asked such a personal question. You see, a lot can be said, I believe, regarding the stability of a woman's state of mind with how she cares for her children during a crisis. The fact that she is giving them no quality time and disappearing at the weekends, could well indicate that she is not in her right state of mind - clearly she is not in her right state of mind!!!

I can only speak from personal experience as when I was in the heat of my crisis I only gave my babies the bare minimum of my attention. It was all I could handle between episodes of imploding. My emotional stability was a complete wreck!

I must further add that her attitude towards you is unacceptable. What is the point of saying that she wants to make things work with you, but also cannot give up the other guy?

You cannot be blamed for having handed her the divorce papers. I do believe that was the correct move, because she clearly needs a reality jolt.

I do believe that you are at a point where you may need to release her to make her own decision and pray that she makes the right decision. However, if she is going to keep running to the other man and then coming back to you and keep giving you these mixed signals it is completely unacceptable. She is disrespecting you by putting you through the trauma of watching her leave knowing she is going to another man and then coming back to you and stating she wants to make things work .

I don't know if this thought had crossed your mind, but you may need to suggest that she moves out while she is sorting out her mind because of the amount of pain it is putting you through to cope with her behaviour. This will give you both space to think without you going through the rollercoaster of her coming to you and then going out to him. It is not right for you to be put through this!!! You have done nothing wrong! You are the innocent party here! She is the one with the issues that desperately need to be addressed. Therefore, the kindest thing for her to do is to allow you both the space and time to work things out.

I realise you may not like this suggestion, but being on the outside looking in, she needs to have her bags packed and moved out so she can grow up and stop acting like a spoilt princess!!! She is either married to you or she is not - CHOOSE!!

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Old 19th March 2008, 07:14 PM   #38
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

She was playing with my feelings like that for around 8 months now. Since i handed her the divorce papers, she has kind of changed a little. I think she is trying to do things by the book (concerning the kids) so she will not dig a deeper hole when it comes to child custody. She is really fighting me trying to get them to go to her moms for Easter. I am standing strong saying that i will not let her take them from me. This is starting to become rediculous. What a ride she has signed us up for.
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Old 20th March 2008, 04:38 PM   #39
Micou
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Re: asking for your prayers

I think that in your shoes right now I would immediately flick my attention onto the kids. Immediately sit your kids down and calmly hug and kiss them and let them know that you love them no matter. If you need to cry, then don't fight the tears. Just let the tears flow if you have to.

Let them know that nothing will ever change your love for them and that you are proud of them. Really emphasise that to them, plenty of kisses and cuddles.

If you are able to have the time prior to her going to her mother's, take them out for a meal, just you and your babies. It doesn't matter where you go, McD's or Pizza Hut or just a stroll in the park with a couple of sandwiches and flask of hot chocolate - do it! The emphasis is that you get the kids on your own for a while and you let them know that you love them unconditionally and no matter what.

You and your babies need to feed off your love for each other and your strengths. If your eldest child is responsible enough, give him/her a mobile phone where you contact them and they can reach you 24/7.

Hang in there, but let those kids know that their dad adores them!
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Old 20th March 2008, 05:36 PM   #40
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

I am still not sure what this weekend will hold. I don't know if we are going to go up to her mom's or staying at home. I really don't think i will feel comfortable all weekend at her parents, alothough they have always loved me and treated me well. They are still her parents and will ultimately side with her through all of this. I would rather just stay at home and have the discussion with the kids so they have all weekend to ask questions. I still can't believe this is happening to us. A year ago i would have bet my life that there was no way this would ever happen. I have seen some of her text messages to and from him, and they read like they are back in highschool. All they say is how much they love each other and miss each other and how sexy they are to each other. Talk about filling an insecurity. I just know that it is not going to last forever and that it is coming at all of our expense. I really wish there was something i could do to make her see that.
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Old 20th March 2008, 09:47 PM   #41
Micou
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Re: asking for your prayers

I realise that of course you know your in-laws better than me, but I think that you may well be surprised at their reaction to what their daughter has been up to. I, for one, know that my parents would never approve if I behaved in this manner. However, please leave an open mind with regard to your in-laws as they may well surprise you. They may in fact feel upset with her, after all she is the one destroying the lives of their grandkids, don't forget.

The choice of whether or not to go away this weekend is one only you two can decide on. I believe that it may not be a bad idea for you to go away for the weekend, because being among other people, different environment, different topics of conversation may be just what you need. Again, leave an open mind.

Keep focussing on your babies, especially if she is giving them the bare minimum of her attention. While you remain undecided, if the weather permits, then go for that stroll in the park or that lunch at McDs - just you and your babies. You will be instilling in them the memory of who was there for them whenever things went wrong in the family. Whenever they think of bad times, it will be the memories of daddy always being there to make everything alright that will surface - after all mummy had other priorities, but that's an aside. YOUR priority is to be the soft place to fall for your babies. Be their rock of love and compassion during these hard times and you will create a place within their little hearts that no one else can ever replace - it is in our times of pain that we know who is really there for us after all.

If I don't get a chance to catch up with you before the end of the Easter break, may I wish you and yours a blessed Easter. Keep the faith and keep putting that pain in God's hands. Remember Footprints in the Sand . . .
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Old 21st March 2008, 12:54 PM   #42
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

We are not going up to the in-laws this weekend. She talked to her mom again, and her mom did not think it would be a good idea for me to be up there. I refused to let her take the kids without me for the weekend. She is really not happy about that decision, but i don't really care at this point. The kids are upset, but they think that i was going to be with them and do not realize that i am not welcome at grandma's. I do believe that my in-laws do not approve of what she has been doing, but as i said, she is their daughter and they will support her no matter what her decision is. They are not the most opinionated people either, so they wont tell her that what she is doing is wrong even if they think it. I guess we will see what this weekend holds. I will do everything i can to make it a great holiday for the kids.
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Old 26th March 2008, 04:32 PM   #43
Micou
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Re: asking for your prayers

How did your Easter break go?

I haven't been here much because I have been going through my own hell with my husband over the past few days - so many questions and no answers.
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Old 26th March 2008, 06:14 PM   #44
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

I am sorry to hear about your hell. I have been saying prayers for you as well. The Easter break went fairly well except for the fact that she was texting him and calling him every chance she got. She was cordial to me and even acted like she liked me at some points. Yesterday was another bad day though. She called our daughter at the house while i was on my way home from work and told her that she had to run some errands so please tell dad i won't be home right away. Well, she returned home about 5 1/2 hours later. She did not even answer her phone when the kids called to tell her goodnight. They were upset that she told them she was running errands, and then did not come home. When she returned i told her that her actions and lack of respect for our marriage and family disgusted me. After some long conversation she acted again like she was still really confused and has not come to a decision on what she really wants yet. She also blamed this whole situation on me saying that the reason that she has not given him up is because i never gave her the chance. That is because i was continually talking to her and asking her to try to work on saving our family and asking what we could do to try and make things work. I ended up telling her that if she decides that she wants to try, to let me know otherwise i will go on living like we are going to be divorced.

I really can't believe she is justifying what she is doing by blaming me for her stepping outside of our marriage. She just will not take any accountability for her actions. I really just need to move on and try to minimize the damage that she can cause to our children. This really sucks!!!!!!!!!
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Old 27th March 2008, 11:12 AM   #45
Micou
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Re: asking for your prayers

Her behaviour is really unacceptable. This is known as mental cruelty! I must admit that in your shoes, her wee bags would be packed and placed outside the front door, locks changed - on your bike! How long are you willing to tolerate this? I know you're in pain, because I am in pain too because of what I have experienced. However, what is it within us that makes us feel we deserve to be treated like this?

I went to see a divorce lawyer this morning. It has left me feeling quite numb as it really puts it in perspective that I am about to take that step into divorce. Am petrified, but I don't know what else to do. Thankfully, the solicitor was a very sensible lady and suggested that I speak to her once I get back from my break - am going away for a few days from next week. I am just desperate to escape.

You need to really focus on your babies. Keep being the one they see when they are in pain. Keep being their soft place to fall. Keep being you!!! They need YOU! Keep doing what you're doing for THEM. By the time your life calms down and you start to experience peace and calm again, your children will remember that daddy was their rock during the storm.
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