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Old 3rd May 2005, 08:55 PM   #1
Julieann
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Unhappy Having an Affair

Three months ago I received an email out of the blue from my first love, he had located me on Friends Reunited. We agreed to meet and really that is where it all started. I was married at the time with a two and a half year old daughter. I was not particularly happy but not particularly unhappy. My first love is not married but has been in a relationship for the last 14 years. We split 15 years ago. Things have moved on and I have separated from my husband after three years of marriage to start a new life with my first love. We both have agreed that in order to be together things have to be done the right way, so I have moved out and am renting until October. In the meantime, my first love is still living with his partner who has said he needs to sort out financial affairs etc before telling her he is going to leave to be on his own. A time limit of around 6 weeks has been set from which time on we will be able to see each other every other weekend until I move to be closer to him and start a new life taking my daughter with me. I am experiencing terrible highs and lows, we have just spent a weekend together but as he has not left his partner had to leave the hotel to return to her at night, also he still sleeps in the same bed as her every night. I am finding it very hard to put my trust in him and believe it when he says he will leave her. I decided that things have not been right between my husband and I and did not want to have an affair but now I feel like 'the other woman'. I do not like it and would not like it to be done to me. We are meant to be meeting tomorrow for a few hours both having to travel a couple of hours to see each other. I want to believe him and trust him but how do I control these feelings of extreme pain for my husband, my daughter and the selfeshness of wanting to make a better life for myself and my daughter. I am not in love with my husband and to be truthful never really was. My first love is my soul mate and I want him back in my life. Please help, thanks

Last edited by Julieann; 3rd May 2005 at 09:03 PM. Reason: Change Title
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Old 3rd May 2005, 09:16 PM   #2
Liz
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Dear Julieann

I think you are chasing unreality here. What gives you confidence that you have a future with this man, however much of a soulmate he “feels”? It sounds as if a lot of what you are basing this new (renewed) relationship on is your feeling,. just like you rejected your marriage commitment based on emotions.

A marriage or other type of long term relationship cannot survive on emotions. There will be times when you have doubts, don't feel loving or attached to your man. What is going to see you through that when it hits you? Love is about choices, your will, and commitment to make things work.

What about your husband and your daughter - where do their needs and happiness come into this? Your daughter deserves to grow up with her biological mother and father together loving each other and her.

I think you are in danger of kidding yourself and you may end up losing both men. I would suggest that you sit down long and hard and think about the consequences of your actions and what will make a long term relationship last.


Liz
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Old 3rd May 2005, 09:48 PM   #3
Alexis
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

I have to agree with Liz here and I think you stand to loose everything. Infact I think its mighty selfish of you for leaving your Husband and taking his child away from him. Have you stopped to think about how he feels at all?
If your first love was such a soulmate how come you split up and then went onto to marry someone else?, Did you have negative feelings about your Husband BEFORE first love appeared out of the blue?
The majority of people on this forum are here to try and save their marriages and here you are throwing it all away and expecting your first love to do the same to his long term partner.
No sympathy Im afraid, get on with it.

Alexis
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Old 3rd May 2005, 10:10 PM   #4
London
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Julieann , the above two posts have some validity to them, but to be honest, I don't necessarily agree with their reasoning (especially Alexis' "get on with it" comment - that was UNCALLED for!). I empathise with you and what you are going through!!

It looks like you have made all the sacrifices so far - separating from your H, renting another place and waiting for OM to leave his partner. Has he given any indication that he will live upto the 6 weeks deadline? Do you guys discuss that at all when you meet up? What's the feeling you get when he answers you?

On the H side, you mentioned that you aren't in love with H anymore and never were. What brought these feelings on? Was it the OM? Or did you have these feelings of "coasting" with your H before he came along? Giving you the benefit of the doubt - that you are certain you do not want to be with H any longer, are you sure that your feelings for OM are for *him*, or are they for the *situation* it represents i.e. an *excuse* to leave H?
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Old 4th May 2005, 11:10 PM   #5
Alexis
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

London

I am appauled at the behaviour of people like Julieann, relationship breakers. Im not the first to say that friends reunited is the cause of many break ups and affairs, I should know my Husband has been in contact with one of his ex's and has no doubt caused BIG problems.How may people is she going to hurt here?

My god what does she want sympathy, save it for someone who needs it
You make your bed you lie in it.

Alexis
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Old 5th May 2005, 02:48 AM   #6
London
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Alexis -

I am sorry but i disagree with you. We don't have all the facts here. If you don't want to offer her sympathy, then that's fine. How about you give her something she can use - if not, then why do you even bother replying to her? She can use someone's input, someone's critical questioning and reasoning. From her post - SHE DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. She did the "right" thing by splitting up with her H and THEN proceeded to follow her heart. How many people on this board have either done that OR been the reciepient of that? Not many.

The vast majority of posters here tell us that they discovered their partners to have had affairs (or in some cases have had affairs themselves) and that some of them wished that their partners split up with before doing that. Other posters have been quick to judge the spouses who have had affairs and were just as quick to say "they should have split up with their spouses BEFORE embarking on such a relationship. Well, guess what - Julieann comes here to tell us that she did just that!!!

I for one am not about to "condemn" her for that and shame on you or any other posters for doing that! If you read my post above, there are a few questions Julieann needs to address for herself.

This board is really great for giving people a sounding board when they don't have readily available or to air their thoughts. Posters here come to the aid of the "victim" of an affair. But in this case, there is no victim of an affair. Julieann has mentioned to us that she doesn't love her husband (and never really had) and decided to pursue, what is for her, her true love. Kudos to that. How many people here have had the guts to do that? How many wish they did?

Yes, there responsibilities and consequences that Julieann will have to face. But so far, I don't think she's done anyhthing wrong in the way she's handled it from her side. She's just asking for advice in how not to feel like the OW - which she is now.

One of the things that has always struck me on thi sboard is how many people decide to neglect the "love" side in a marriage. These people would rather hold on to some archaic myth that becuase you "committed" to marriage you HAVE to stay in it come hell or high water. The last time I checked, marriage is "to love and to cherish". What happens if you can't fulfill either of these? I would say its time to act as an adult and leave. By staying, you are only kidding yourself and your partner and thereby making both of you unhappy.
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Old 5th May 2005, 07:45 AM   #7
Liz
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Dear London

I thought loving and cherishing was about what you did not what you felt. If I had only loved nad cherished when I felt loving then my marriage would be in a mess. That is where commitment comes in. When we marry, we agree to marry and promise to love and cherish, ie act lovingly, care for our spouse even when it's tough and it hurts. More often than not the feelings actually follow the decision and action rather than coming first.

Liz
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Old 5th May 2005, 12:24 PM   #8
Waterman
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Julieann says the process started when she was contacted by her former lover and that until that point she was neither hasppy nor unhappy.

At that point she had a choice. She could have acted lovingly towards her husband and cherished him. She chose not to, and now, three months later she feels the need to come on this board, becasue the situation is getting messy and she is not comfortable. From her own words she appears to be unhappier now than she was before she was contacted by her ex-lover.

She now doubts her love for her husband, even whether she ever loved him at all, but she doesn't say whether she ever had those doubts before.

Is she rationalising? Is she seeking to justify the choice she made following her ex-lover's call three months ago? It was either a mistake, or it wasn't. If it was a mistake then she is really in a difficult situation now, having broken up her own marriage for a new relationship that is already hitting the rocks after only a few months. Is she in denial? Even if she isn't, I bet that plenty of other people in similar circumstances are, having broken up sound relationships indulging fleeting emotions.

Last edited by Waterman; 5th May 2005 at 12:33 PM. Reason: correction
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Old 5th May 2005, 02:30 PM   #9
London
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Liz - Now you are playing with words. Of course, "loving" is an action - but i disagree with your premise that necessarily "feelings actually follow the decision and action rather than coming first." One needs to feel something for someone before they will act lovingly. In your case, you ar sugeesting that if you put two people in the room and ask them to "act nice" to the other then within time they will come to love each other. What nonsense. If there is no desire, no feeling of love, odds are there is no real relationship. What you are describing is how many cultures (force the idea of and) rationalise arranged marriages.
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Old 5th May 2005, 04:04 PM   #10
Concerned Reader
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Dear London

You wrote:

"What you are describing is how many cultures (force the idea of and) rationalise arranged marriages".

It might be better to put this subject on a separate thread.

It might also be useful to stipulate the difference between a forced marriage (usually unlawful in Britain) and an arranged marriage.

For info; an arranged marriage is consensual and is conducted in various ways, depending on the ethnic group it refers to. Veto by either side is possible. There is nothing to stop any part of the population adopting the same techniques.There is little difference between going to a marriage bureau and asking them to find someone suitable and having your Ma and Pa do it for you.

Whilst I am not denying that there is a problem with marriage-trading and forced marriage identified with certain ethnic groups, this is not typical of ethnic groups as a whole, nor even of the groups where the forced marriages occur.

My experience of living within an ethnic group in a multi-cultural society is that arranged marriages stand a better-than average chance of making everyone happy over a lifetime. This is not a guarantee, of course, but since it offers a better chance than one-in-three ending in divorce, and can beat any arrangement where a partner can walk off merely because they have gone off you or found someone else, you don't need to posit coercion as a reason for engaging in arranged marriage. Self-interest is reason enough.

I wonder, since you have mentioned this before, if it is possible that you have a particular case in mind which is weighing heavily on your thinking?
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Old 5th May 2005, 04:33 PM   #11
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

CR -

Whilst I agree that there are "legal" differences" between "forced marriages and "arranged marriages" - in practice they are very similar! Yes, often the "results" are better than freely arranged marriages but it is a false perception. I say that because more often than not, and its usually the woman, has no choice but to put up and bear it even if she is unhappy and does not love her H. She has no choice - divorce or seperation would most likely if not absolutely bring shame on her family. The family rationalise it in many ways and when the topic of "no love" comes up, they respond by saying - act like you love him and in no time you will see that you will fall in love with him. The idea of freedom to choose your partner based on free will and love is removed entirely and the pressure to live up to outside expectations is great.

So, while the actual divorce rate is quite low, the rates for people having affairs in arranged marriages (eg marriages not based on freedom to love ) is actually quite high, not to mention the suicide rates amongst some women and from certain ethnic groups who still have arranged marriages is also higher than the average. As is levels of domestic abuse (emotional and/or physical).
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Old 5th May 2005, 04:55 PM   #12
jacqueline
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Dearest Julieann,

I can so see where you coming from, the emotions you are feeling are genuine i assure, you are only human. Without rocking the boat with your FL would it help to let him know just exactly how your feeling, surely this can't be good for yourself, your child, your heart, and your conscience. Obstacles are never ever easy to overcome but reading your post it appears even though i may be wrong, that you don't trust him and you are feeling extremly uneasy with the way things are going even though you are making sacrifices to be near him, in order to further your relationship. (i do apologise if i am completely off the mark here) either way it must be so hard for you to take in emotionally especially when he is leaving you to go back to his other woman when really he could just lay his cards on the table and be honest to either one of you about the whole situation (i'm sorry if i appear to be jumping the gun a bit) but your starting to worry and i do hope you don't get hurt in the weeks to come, I really hope he stands by his word and makes you happy.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you get on,

warmest smiles to you julieann

jacqueline
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Old 5th May 2005, 09:31 PM   #13
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Dear London

You haven't actually said whether you are basing your opinions on wide experience of marriages in various ethnic settings or empathy with one particular case.

If it is the former, then we will just have to differ because none of my friends among the Sikh, Hindu, Parsee, Jewish, Christian or Chinese communities have ever mentioned being forced to get married, or forced to stay married.
(I have a very mixed immigrant background.)

If it is the latter, then I can see how empathy with one person might lead you to conclude this problem was widespread. However, this would indicate a perspective problem rather than an informed and balanced opinion.

Some of the views you have expressed sound suspiciously like a problem with anybody who isn't white, masquerading as concern. The cry of 'they're beastly to women' is an old trick for trying to discredit any of these 'furriners' whose customs are not like ours and therefore must be coercive, suspect, inferior, secretly violent and duplicitous.

If I am talking to a member of the BNP, I would prefer to know it as I do not wish to give you any more platforms for slandering those with different but valid marriage practices. If you have a grudge against a particular group, then you should understand that your comments may be taken to apply across the spectrum of British society and are insulting to those who pay great attention to the issue of consent.

You are not entitled to denigrate the practices of people who believe that decency, constancy and kindness over many years express a profound and mature love which they have created of their own free will.

I have witnessed them doing it at first hand and can only admire their example and commend it to you.
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Old 5th May 2005, 10:12 PM   #14
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

CR - it seems then we have different experiences within the same group of ethnic groups - big surprise there.

Quote:
If it is the former, then we will just have to differ because none of my friends among the Sikh, Hindu, Parsee, Jewish, Christian or Chinese communities have ever mentioned being forced to get married, or forced to stay married.
actually, most of the groups you mention do have a trdition of "forced" arranged marriages and staying married. For example, there was a highly publicised case in the UK just last year of a Pakistani girl tricked and forced by her parents out of Birmingham to go back to Pakistan to marry someone they had already agreed to when she was only 5 yrs old!!!!!

Quote:
Some of the views you have expressed sound suspiciously like a problem with anybody who isn't white, masquerading as concern. The cry of 'they're beastly to women' is an old trick for trying to discredit any of these 'furriners' whose customs are not like ours and therefore must be coercive, suspect, inferior, secretly violent and duplicitous.
CR - i am getting a little tired of your diatribe and patronising attitudes towards me in your posts. In case it matters I am NOT white and am a mixture of about 6 different cultures going back to my great great grandfather and grandmother. But of course, that is irrelevant since you have ethnic friends and think you are talking to the BNP here.

Quote:
You are not entitled to denigrate the practices of people who believe that decency, constancy and kindness over many years express a profound and mature love which they have created of their own free will.
And where have i done that?


Quote:
I have witnessed them doing it at first hand and can only admire their example and commend it to you.
yes, and I am sure they have been 100% open with you and have told you their inner-most problems if any existed in their marriage!!!!
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Old 5th May 2005, 11:07 PM   #15
Concerned Reader
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Re: Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Dear London

You wrote:

"In case it matters I am NOT white and am a mixture of about 6 different cultures going back to my great great grandfather and grandmother. "

Snap.

Actually, I do think I am likely to have had much better intimate access to my friends thoughts on their up-coming marriages, because you know, girls do talk.

I'll see your race and raise you a gender.

Your call.
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