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Old 11th April 2005, 01:33 PM   #1
Anon SB
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Unhappy confused but still love my wife

Me & my wife have been married for ten years, have two great kids & a lovely home, recently i have found out she has feelings for another guy, this has really hurt me as i always thought we had a strong marriage. This has only been over a period of 3 months, she says she has never felt like this before & that he has said things that make her feel special.

I found out that both have been taking regular over two months, she says there is strong chemistry between them.
They have met up but wife says nothing physical has happened.
The thing that hurts me the most is all the negative feelings she has bought about our marriage, me and the fact that she has been taking so openly to another man,

We used to be very open in our relationship this seemed to change after her mother dyied in 2000 and then her nan in 2002, from then on she tended to exclude me in so many ways made me feel invisible when were out particular when with friends, & she started to drink more.

The position at the moment is that he as backed off, knowing that my wife does have feelings for me but it has left me confused at times.
We have strong physical relationship and no each other intimately.

My wife says she doesnt feel contented but doesnt understand why, she says she feels trapped, although she says she has a lovely home, money ok , & two great kids & a loving husband.

My problem is that I can dwell on things, situations that have happened , harbour on about him whats been said & friends she has confided in.
I can on occassion say some hurtful things from the way I have felt over the last three months & then on the next occassion I want to hold my wife and be close to her.

She has seemed close again over the last few weeks off & on, although it just doesnt seem as it used to be. How do I forgive & move on as deep down i know she does too,
she just wants to be happy without me griving her grief.

any suggestions comments ?

Last edited by Anon SB; 11th April 2005 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 11th April 2005, 04:44 PM   #2
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Anon SB - I hear you and sympathise. A general question, you say your wife has feelings for this other chap - and except for the fact that she is still with you, has she verbalised any notions of what she wants to do wrt to your marriage? Has she suggested that she wants to leave you and be with this other man or is that what you think she wants to do?

What is it that you want to happen (I am not talking about ideally, bc ideally you would rather she not talk to the other guy or have feelings for him) - but now that this is in the open, how do you want things to progress from here on?
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Old 11th April 2005, 05:53 PM   #3
Anon SB
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Thanks for response

We have had a rollercoaster of emotions over the last three months,
From mid February when I first found out, I had listened to what she had said and reasons why she connected with someone else and the thoughts on which she said we had drifted.

From this I expressed to her how much she means to me (and also our family as we also have two children). I expressed how much I wanted us to move on & that she need to reassure me that they would be no further contact with him of which she agreed but she had lied as I found she had still been in touch.

This went until about mid March at which point things got heated, as she never was telling me anything I would ask her how we were doing, her feelings at that moment and everytime I felt like I was hitting a brick wall.

Knowing that she had been his house, I got angry the following day and asked/wanted her to leave, I packed her clothes, hurtful things were said it go very heated.
Later that week things had calmed down with just small talk.
She went to stay at her brothers for two nights, came back got upset & said she was sorry for what had happened and didnt want to hurt me.

She then agreed to work at it, as this developed a later found out that he had currently had problems of his own mis marriage ended 6 mths ago, and that he told hmy wife he was giving her space of which no contact has been made between them, of which I have to believe, 4 wks ago.

I think this is because he realised she was confused & that she still thought about me.

The reason she hasnt left I believe she still has deep feelings for me, but as she says something is missing, but on occassions she seems distant although we have had some good days.
My problems not to dwell on the past & to move forward although I find it hard to sometimes to forget about the things that have been said.

At the moment she says she wants to be on her own,

I know for our marriage to progress I need to forgive her which I can do.
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Old 11th April 2005, 06:50 PM   #4
disbelief
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Hi Anon,

Your situation is practically a carbon copy of mine - see my post "wife had affair - need help!!" As with you, I've been told something is missing and she just isn't as happy with me. She's not sure what she wants to do at this point and I know she's still keeping contact iwth the other guy even if through minimal means. This is the hardest part - coming to terms over whether you can REALLY trust the other person to end the affair for good. I have also been told that the affair hasn't progressed to a sexual nature, but one could only guess that it is leading up to it (I'm really hoping the truth is being told here).

I've also been told she doesn't feel happy or fulfilled in our life together and just wants to be alone. Unfortunately, I think a lot has to do with overexpectations in life and just not being fully grounded in reality. I too have said some heated words and told her that true love isn't always shown through love exchanges via e-cards and heartfelt walks in the park. Love is mostly shown through commitment and the willingness to do whatever is necessary for the good of the family, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. She pointed out that our interests and values are very different and she's just not sure if she can see me with her for the rest of her "one life to live".

You may have been like me and noticed the distance growing a little over time. I spoke to a counselor about this and I was told that it is fairly common for women to lose themselves after having a child and are easy prey for others who put them on pedestals. I've tried to tell my wife this with some success - I would also recommend sowing some seeds of doubt about her relationship and where it is going, along with really thinking about the true intentions of the other person. Is the other person also married? Have they maybe done this before? Are they afraid of their spouse finding out? If so, why would they be so afraid if they're so convinced they love the other person?


A couple more words of advice:

Please, do not be like me and beat yourself up over what has happened. Ultimately it is NOT our fault as we should have been approached about this before the affairs started.

Suggest counseling with her. If she accepts, this may further prove that there's still true feelings for you. If anything, it may work toward closure, whatever the closure may be. You may want to check out your places of employment to see if they have an Assistance Plan to save money.

Try not to bring up the affair to her repeatedly. This is a really hard one, because if you're like me, it's going through your head all day.

Find the right balance between trust and drawing the line with her behaviour. This again is really tough because, as my wife said, she can't just turn off her feelings for the other person like a switch.

Finally, as hard as it is to say or think about, know when to call it quits. We're both teetering on this point right now, but again we're trying counseling as a last ditch attempt to save the marriage (having a three year old makes us really think about it).

I hope everything works out for you whatever path is chosen - I know how hard it is.....
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Old 11th April 2005, 07:28 PM   #5
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Quote:

I've also been told she doesn't feel happy or fulfilled in our life together and just wants to be alone. Unfortunately, I think a lot has to do with overexpectations in life and just not being fully grounded in reality. I too have said some heated words and told her that true love isn't always shown through love exchanges via e-cards and heartfelt walks in the park. Love is mostly shown through commitment and the willingness to do whatever is necessary for the good of the family, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. She pointed out that our interests and values are very different and she's just not sure if she can see me with her for the rest of her "one life to live".

Sounds like many of us share a common thread.

My ex-wife also said the same things to me several years ago and despite the suggestion we seek counselling, she wanted to spend time alone to "sort things out". I gladly agreed thinking that was the best solution as i did not want to put more (perceived) pressure on her. Unfortunately, during the separation period she felt more comfortable being without me and while she still said she loved me it was more like a brother.

As hard as it was to do, we "both" agreed that it might be best of we split up. There was no point, I thought at the time, in continuing a relationship with someone who's heart was no longer in it. Why force someone to stay if they just don't want't to be there anymore?

Quote:
The reason she hasnt left I believe she still has deep feelings for me, but as she says something is missing, but on occassions she seems distant although we have had some good days.
Yes, of course you will have some good moments. I think the reason she hasn't left is because she would be giving up more than just you - you have kids and a "routine" together. My friend is in a similar but more advanced situation of marital breakdown (see "London Calling for Assistance" thread). She most definitely still loves you but may no longer still be "in love" with you.

I know many other posters here and some counsellors here dislike that phrase citing love is more than a feeling. But despite that, its a big part of the relationship as is sex in a marriage. Are you and your wife still maintaining a physical relationship?

Rather than feeling guilty for what she is doing or has done, you need to focus your energy on what may help her come back to you AND also work on being true to yourself (as in having a life rather than moping around her).

She is confused right now - should she stay or go (wc means disrupting the kids, her family, her routine etc) for someone she recently met vs you whom she married. The confusion may also be a result of her not wanting to do anything rash anytime soon but deep down feeling trapped by all the pressures at home and work. There will be a time where you will have to confront her about all her feelings and actions. At that point, she'll either stop with the other person or you will also have to face the possibility that she's already made up her mind. Either way, you guys need to talk despite her not wanting to.
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Old 14th April 2005, 09:19 AM   #6
disbelief
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Hi Anon,

Thanks for your response. Things aren't getting along too well here. My wife went out again with him last night and gave me a pathetic excuse for her absence. I know because of the way she carried herself and she claimed she had been driving for 45 mins unsuccessfully to find an out of town address to drop off materials for an upcoming concert - when I went out to move my car in the driveway, I felt the hood of hers and it was barely even lukewarm (the temp outside was about 5 degrees) so the car had hardly moved. I asked her why she didn't use her cellphone and call directory assistance, but she just said it was getting late.

The bald faced lies are the worst part of this whole thing. Even after lengthy discussions and her promise to try and make us work, the affair continues. I'm afraid our three year old will be the biggest victim in all of this. You're right, a flattering forked tongue is worth more than 12 years of togetherness and self-sacrifice to build a family. It kind of makes you wonder about the TRUE value of the person and if they're even worth fighting for anymore. I'm just hoping to gather some more proof somehow and will use it to confront the situation head on again. I'm slowly slipping into insanity over here and my life is spinning totally out of control. I have a game plan, but I can't stand the time it will take to try and see it through and if my plan will even work. And I just don't know if trust will EVER be possible again, especially after she continues to lie so well despite my best efforts. I can't sleep and my work is suffering. I think this is going to spell the final end of our marriage.

I expect you're going through the same thing as me - at least we can take a little comfort in knowing guys like us are not alone. In the end, at the very least we will have our pride, dignity and a clean conscience but the end of our family is so unbelievably hard to accept as a possibility. It really sucks when everyone involved ends up being a victim in some way.

Take care and please keep in touch.
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Old 14th April 2005, 11:59 PM   #7
roppelt
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Re: confused but still love my wife

no, your not alone. I have the same thing going on with my wife. I have a two year old son and have taken drastic action and am hireing a PI to watch her. as soon as I have proof I wil devorce the faithless #@$%. I am tired of the lies and the knife in my back, of feeling stupid and angry or just falling apart I can't sleep or eat. throw her out on her butt and be done with it.
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Old 6th May 2005, 09:19 PM   #8
USMCVOX
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Re: confused but still love my wife

For the past 3 years, I have been with the greatest, most loving woman In the world. I love her more than anything. I would give my life for her. I am 20, she is 19. We have been togeather since she was 16. Over the past 3 years, we have had maybe 2-3 arguments, nothing major. We got married on April 25, 2004. Well our aniversery comes up and this happens. Practicly the same as everyone above. She is not the type to cheat, nor the type to lie. We have had an extremely strong relationship, though we have not lived togeather. Reason being that I am in the Marine Corps, and she is at home(400 miles north of where I am), Going to college, and playing softball. She means everything to me, the reason I wake up in the morning. And ever since this situation came up, I have fallen even more in love with her. I cant stop thinking about her. It has been a week since the last time I had spoken to her, because she needed her space. So I gave it to her, so she could think. Well I finaly call her up, we talk abit like normal, then she reads what she wrote down from her heart. Well my heart stoped. She was able to talk to me calm and cool, as if she had no emotion. I was breaking down in a heavy bawl, barly able to speak. And she said her decision is that she doesnt love me anymore. I beg, and plea for her to think about everything we have been through over the past 3 years, our memories, everything. She said she will not even think about changing her decision. I am dead, emotional. I dont want to keep going, for the past 3 years, she has been what I have lived for.
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Old 7th May 2005, 01:27 AM   #9
disbelief
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Hi USMCVOX,

I empathize with you completely. As tough as it sounds, my guess is there's someone else in the picture - the emotionally dead response and "I'm not in love with you" statements are usually giveaways. Of course I could be dead wrong, but in a strange way it may actually be better if there is someone else. As I stated in another thread, coming to terms with exaggerated feelings toward someone else may be easier to break through than true love lost outside of someone else. I wouldn't necessarily believe you have hit the end of your marriage yet.

The first few weeks are the hardest. Despite the regimentation of being a Marine, I hope you have the opportunity to be on your own at times to grieve and let out the pain and anger. Pure rage, depression, begging and pleading are all part of the initial response. While this relieves personal pressure, it only drives the other person further away. Again, pretty much EVERYONE does this, so don't worry about it. You'll probably start beating yourself up too with "what if..." and "if only...." thoughts - trust me, I've been there. But it does ease up as the days go on. Every man has his breaking point, and there's no shame in being emotional at this time.

Is there any way of getting temporary leave for this crisis? Do you have close friends and family to lean on? This is important - they will give you confidence and strength to keep going.

Stay in touch with this board. There's lots of good advice and connections here and it has certainly helped me out!

Take care,

Disbelief
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Old 8th May 2005, 01:54 AM   #10
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Dear USMCVOX

This is a very painful situation to be in and I wish I could say something to make it better. Unfortunately, I don't know of any way of lessening the loss of young love; it is something which honourable and serious-minded people are almost destined to go through.

If you were not the kind of young man capable of fidelity and commitment, you would never have married or have been so deeply in love. You would have had a string of girlfriends and never taken any of them seriously. (I expect that just at this moment, that is an attractive idea.)

If you were not the kind of young man capable of fidelity and commitment, you wouldn't be serving in one of the world's elite forces.

But, since you have what my late father would have called 'back bone' you chose a path which is known to have some very particular risks. Basically, young people, especially young women, change a tremendous amount in years between fifteen and twenty and you may have been unlucky in that the person who emerged from these changes is just not the same one you started with. It's true there could be somebody else, but it also very likely that the other person is herself....and she simply cannot see a way to live the life she promised to a year ago.

The following is not very helpful, but it is true. If she can't be married as you would both wish, then it is better that she has taken this step now, rather than waiting another five years and perhap allowing you to start a family, then finding she cannot hack it. It is a great pity that she cannot return your love, but she is honest and is preventing you getting in any deeper than you already are. Bad as it is, it could be much worse - see any threads where partners are left trying to explain to children why mummy or daddy has walked out.

I don't know if your unit has an officer with responsibility for pastoral care, of if you prefer to use a religious advisor. It might be a good idea to contact one of them because they will almost certainly have dealt with this before and will know the various ways men respond and what helps them most.

It may be that you have to accept that you are going to feel pretty dreadful for a while, but you are only 20 and there is usually no shortage of women who would like to comfort a young man with a broken heart.
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Old 9th May 2005, 07:14 PM   #11
USMCVOX
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Re: confused but still love my wife

Thanks for the support... I am putting my faith in God ( which everyone who knows me knows I'm not the type to turn to God) Everyone has lost their hopes for her to remember how much she loved me, Except for me and a friend of mine. Even though I feel empty inside. I am just going to continue to have faith that she will remember, and that the reality of divorce will strike her. She has been using it like its just a nother word for a high school break up. Her mom says that she hasnt cried over this. It worries me.
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