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Old 4th March 2014, 02:01 PM   #16
John_agape
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hi Valerie, I think you are doing the right thing to take your time. From your posts here I don't think you should blame yourself as in "It was my fault." I disagree with 1aokgal and ronnoco. That you slapped him is no excuse for him to beat you up.

I am a man and I grew up in a male environment, boys only school, military and had male jobs for my first 10 years after school. I am now 63-years-old. So I have met quite a few different men in my life, the good, the bad and the downright ugly inside types.

A man has no right or justification to hit a woman, unless it is in self defense, as in being attacked with a knife or suchlike. You were wrong in slapping him, but that was NO reason for him to beat you up. I know I am repeating myself. Real men do not hit women.

When I read the remark by 1aokgal "Whenever a woman resorts to hitting a man she begs for trouble." I felt a deep sadness for all women who can accept that. That woman is with the wrong man.

But there can be a bright side from your terrible situation. If two people have once loved each other, then they can always find that love again. As long as both are prepared to work on the relationship. I know. My wife left me 25 years ago, and we came back together and healed our hurts. We have a deeper relationship today than we ever had before our marriage broke up.

But be careful. Take your time and think about your relationship. talk to people close to you and people like here on this forum.

He should show you respect before you risk going back. Respect includes, not putting you down, building your self-esteem by treating you like you are important to him, and if you decide to leave, that he respects that even if he hates the idea and strongly disagrees.

Abuse usually starts by humiliating and putting the partner down. This later escalates to more aggressive verbal abuse and then to physical abuse. After each physical abuse, the abuser is very sorry, cries, buys flowers, etc. That he shut himself in the spare room, avoided eye contact, and then said that he cried, I take with a scoop of salt.

You say you love him still. This is often said by women who have been abused. The problem is in the question, what is Love? Love is probably the most complex emotion we have. You have shared so much over the years, bonded, raised children and have a life together. The bond between you can be stronger than the love. So think through what it is that you are really feeling.

But give yourself time. You deserve it.
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Old 4th March 2014, 02:29 PM   #17
ronnoco
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hi John,

I never said her slapping him was an excuse for him to beat her up.

I just explained why I think he did what he did. I don't think it was right at all hence this statement : -

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
The problem is, he didn't just hit you once. He made a conscience effort to beat you up.
I think his childhood history and drink paid a huge part, but completely agree with everything you are saying in your post. I do think women do sometimes hit a man to get a reaction. I think that's what 1aokgal was trying to get across.

I know I would never hit a women myself. I've never actually hit anyone!
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Old 4th March 2014, 03:09 PM   #18
John_agape
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hi ronnoco,

Sorry I misread your comment.
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Old 4th March 2014, 09:35 PM   #19
ronnoco
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

No probs.

I hope Valerie does follow your advice though. You made some good points there John.
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Old 6th March 2014, 01:51 PM   #20
Raymond
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

The thing is he has never hit her before. The trigger was quite powerful for him which shows he has a problem not that he is a serial abuser.
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Old 7th March 2014, 10:58 AM   #21
John_agape
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

yes, he has not hit Valerie before, but he has been abusing her psychologically and emotionally. That is how it usually starts. Physical violence comes later down the line. It's just a matter of time until the wrong situation happens.

The latest survey of European women by the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights shows this clearly.
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Old 7th March 2014, 03:28 PM   #22
chosen
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by John_agape View Post
yes, he has not hit Valerie before, but he has been abusing her psychologically and emotionally. That is how it usually starts. Physical violence comes later down the line. It's just a matter of time until the wrong situation happens.

The latest survey of European women by the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights shows this clearly.
I dont see it that way, I see it that they are both at fault, and remember we don't have his take on it do we. If I were to hit a man hard round the face how can I be surprised that he retaliates? Also 'emotional abuse' is all relative. MY husbands ex claimed that he was 'emotionally abusive' as her excuse to divorce him, and yet he hasn't got an abusive bone in his body, and is the most laid back, easy going, patient man ever. That has taught me not to automatically believe anyone claims of emotional abuse.
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Old 7th March 2014, 11:07 PM   #23
ronnoco
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
If I were to hit a man hard round the face how can I be surprised that he retaliates?
Yes but there is a big difference between her slapping him round the face and him savagely beating her up. It's not like he just hit her once - he beat her up with intent. I agree with John, I think he did cross a line. Regardless of what triggered it and any counselling he may have, she will always live on edge because of this.
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Old 8th March 2014, 12:14 AM   #24
chosen
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Yes but there is a big difference between her slapping him round the face and him savagely beating her up. It's not like he just hit her once - he beat her up with intent. I agree with John, I think he did cross a line. Regardless of what triggered it and any counselling he may have, she will always live on edge because of this.
I believe she has hit him before, and he hasn't retaliated, and he also warned her last time not to do it again because it triggered off his past hurt and abuse because of his abusive father. Both have acted very badly, neither spouse should ever use physical violence.
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Old 14th March 2014, 04:43 PM   #25
LibraLady
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Wow, my heart goes out to you, woman to woman. I cannot imagine the pain both pysically and mentally in all of this for both of you. I pray you two engage in marital counseling.
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Old 14th March 2014, 11:42 PM   #26
1aokgal
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

John Agape...

You misunderstood my words that "her slapping him" means he had the right to beat her up. I certainly did NOT say that, nor imply that! He had No excuse to beat her up! I will point out that her slap was the FIRST strike in a battle plan, which SHE had. I am not so sure she was shocked when he beat her up either as she had hit him before. She has a serious lack of respect for this man. Most women know when there is "unleashed fury" in a man, and that a man might strike out if frustrated and he has been drinking. I say the man is the lion and you NEVER kick the lion. A woman who hits a man demasculates him and humiliates him. Maybe the biggest problem in that home is a drinking problem.

In a physical tussle with a man, a woman is going to get the worst of it. She is generally weaker of the two in strength. There are boundaries we don't cross in a relationship/marriage, To react physically is to disrespect the other. It will take some serious work to put the cork back on the bottle of violence in that marriage.

There are some women who hit out to get a man to "be strong." Today some women have a lot of aggression and will stand toe to toe in an argument. That is never going to work. In this case, they were BOTH wrong. She should NEVER have hit him and he exploded and lost control. It sounds as if he truly regrets the action.
They need some serious understanding about love and respect for the other partner. If the police had been called in that domestic dispute SHE would have been the aggressor, as she hit him first. She would be arrested as well as he would for the violence that happened. BOTH would go jail to answer charges of assault. Nice thing to happen in the neighborhood to end up with assault charges in court.

People seriously need to think first and take responsibility for their actions. I think SHE has hit him before and she KNEW that action might go south. There was also alcohol in the picture and drinking escalates problems.
Domestic violence is on increase because of other stresses as financial and societal issues. People take out their frustrations on the one person in the world (spouse) who is on your side most of the time!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 15th March 2014 at 12:07 AM.
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Old 17th March 2014, 08:17 PM   #27
LibraLady
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Valerie? Hello, how are doing doll?
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Old 18th March 2014, 05:14 AM   #28
1aokgal
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

I hope things are going better for this lady.
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Old 19th March 2014, 08:25 AM   #29
John_agape
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hi 1aokgal. I agree with most of what you say, but excusing violent men is something I feel strongly about.

The statement that: "the man is the lion and you NEVER kick the lion." as I understand it implies that men (general statement) can be violent.

Real men do not beat up women.

I do not have friends who would beat up their wives. I avoid friendship with such people.

I feel very strongly about domestic abuse. My wife and I help vulnerable young women who have been in abusive relationships.

I have met some of their former partners, and I have met this type of person in the military and at work. I avoid these people in my private life.

In Valerie's case, she was wrong, but he was abusive and provoked her. She took the bait.

On a scale of 1 to 10, based on what Valerie wrote, I would say her fault was 2 to 3, while he is somewhere between 8 and 10.

I do not believe he was sorry for what he did. This is a standard abusive behaviour pattern. Beat up the partner, or break her down psychologically and emotionally, then be so, so sorry, buy roses and chocolates, etc., until next time, when it is repeated. Abusive spouses are not truly sorry.

The only time a man can justify hitting a woman is in self defense. And if the man is physically stronger than the woman, then he does not need to hit her.

Real men do not hit women.
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Old 19th March 2014, 10:37 AM   #30
chosen
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by John_agape View Post
Hi 1aokgal. I agree with most of what you say, but excusing violent men is something I feel strongly about.

The statement that: "the man is the lion and you NEVER kick the lion." as I understand it implies that men (general statement) can be violent.

Real men do not beat up women.

I do not have friends who would beat up their wives. I avoid friendship with such people.

I feel very strongly about domestic abuse. My wife and I help vulnerable young women who have been in abusive relationships.

I have met some of their former partners, and I have met this type of person in the military and at work. I avoid these people in my private life.

In Valerie's case, she was wrong, but he was abusive and provoked her. She took the bait.

On a scale of 1 to 10, based on what Valerie wrote, I would say her fault was 2 to 3, while he is somewhere between 8 and 10.

I do not believe he was sorry for what he did. This is a standard abusive behaviour pattern. Beat up the partner, or break her down psychologically and emotionally, then be so, so sorry, buy roses and chocolates, etc., until next time, when it is repeated. Abusive spouses are not truly sorry.

The only time a man can justify hitting a woman is in self defense. And if the man is physically stronger than the woman, then he does not need to hit her.

Real men do not hit women.
SO what does that say about women who hit and deliberately provoke men?

Last edited by chosen; 19th March 2014 at 11:27 AM.
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