Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd March 2013, 09:26 PM   #31
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Desperate for advice

That is the kind of response we hope for...hold him to it. I think he is serious.
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 10:18 PM   #32
melissaellen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
Re: Desperate for advice

I am sorry but i just cant do this
melissaellen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 10:28 PM   #33
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Desperate for advice

Can't do what specifically? Sit him down for a talk...keep him with you...what? Not saying anyone would blame you that is for certain...but I wonder if that conversation with the OW has anything to do with how you now feel? Talking to her made it all too real didn't it...
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 10:31 PM   #34
melissaellen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
Re: Desperate for advice

I think it did
I also think no sleep or food isnt helping i just cant do anything
melissaellen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 10:32 PM   #35
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Desperate for advice

This is where it can/will get really bad. If you tell him now, that he has to leave...then you will not know if he can be trusted to keep his word and not contact her. If he stays, then he gets to deal with the "fall out" and especially do you too. That is a lot of drama...drama that the kids dont need!
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 10:42 PM   #36
melissaellen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
Re: Desperate for advice

I will not speak with him now untill tomorrow
I would not be a person to punnish him for what he has done, if he has a concience he will punnish himself enough
I dont know if you can truly forgive and trust again after going through this pain
Usually i am level headed and self independant for some reason i just want to sleep and stay sleeping but my kids need me. i have no one else to turn to
melissaellen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 10:46 PM   #37
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Desperate for advice

Do you have anyone who can watch your children whilst you try to get some sleep? You do not have to make any decisions now...probably would not be the ones you would make a week or two from now anyway. Perhaps you can tell your husband to not come home until you feel ready to face him...that is not punishment...it fits the situation at hand. You need a bit of time to decide what is best for you, and for the children...in THAT order. If you are not well, the children will suffer.
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 10:54 PM   #38
melissaellen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
Re: Desperate for advice

he has to come back i need my car to get kids to school, would it be bad if i wrote him a letter to read instead of saying what i need to?
melissaellen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 11:01 PM   #39
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Desperate for advice

No, it would not be bad to write him instead of talking...he needs to respect the way you choose to communicate just as you would if the tables were turned. Go ahead and compose the letter...sit on it for awhile and then read it again to make certain that it is what you want to convey. When he gets home, get the keys to your car and do whatever else you will.

Do you have someone who can watch the children for you so you can sleep a bit?
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 11:06 PM   #40
melissaellen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
Re: Desperate for advice

Thank you
No there is no one my boy is 18 and my girl is 21 she lives away from home its just my little girl who needs constant care
melissaellen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 11:10 PM   #41
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Desperate for advice

No family...no friends...no one? Can your son watch her for a couple of hours?
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 11:12 PM   #42
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Desperate for advice

Does your daughter sleep at night? Are you in the UK? I am in the US so I am 8 hours behind you...which means it is around 10pm there now if that is where you are. Anyway, try to compose the letter and then get sleep. When are you expecting him to be home?
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2013, 11:23 PM   #43
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Desperate for advice

Betrayal is really awful Melissa. I don't know how you can make any decisions just now. Your trust has been broken. The only light is that he has not seen her for six months. The downside was that he is still in contact with her.

It is your decision whether you want him to go or if you think there is a chance to save the marriage. He seems sorry now that he has been caught but maintaining contact was not good.

There may be a chance that this crisis will produce a thorough turnaround. You can't accept anything less. It has to be on your terms now or nothing. Whether you will allow him to try and rebuild the trust is a decision you will have to make, but he will have to be an open book until it is. This will take a long time. Trust takes the longest to build but can be broken the quickest. There is no marriage without trust.

If he doesn't change now I don't think he ever will. I would be firm one way or the other. Either he is out or you give him one more chance to prove himself on your terms, but you cannot accept any more of this stuff for your own sanity.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2013, 03:42 AM   #44
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Desperate for advice

Dear Melissa...

Some of us have been where you are right now. It is so painful that taking a breath seems effort. I thought I was a capable person and one who got through most everything. I heard the truth about the affair and for days I walked around in a fog. I remember I stood in the rain, crying as the cold water trickled down my face. I stood across the street from the OW's apartment while I waited to see if my husband would walk up her front stairs. I had to see it. It wasn't enough for me to know it. Maybe I just couldn't believe it otherwise.

When I was sure, I could hardly do the easiest task. Anything that required thinking was too much for me.
Healing for me came with the anger I felt that he dared do that to me and the kids. I had to get past the "poor little me" and get to the "damn him for that" to be able to plan the future and what was best for me and my children. I talked to my mother, I talked to a good friend, and it helped to vent that sadness. That is the best thing if you can talk to someone and get some clarity on your situation. Some marriages can survive an affair, if there is other substance. I decided my marriage did not have enough good to weigh out that affair. I'm glad I made that decision and later remarried. Your marriage could overcome this affair, if he is truly committed to change and is repentant for the harm he has caused and the loss of trust.

You think you can't get through this but one day you will realize you have put this bad time behind. Rebuild your confidence. Maybe you can find your way back to each other step by step. I would seek out answers as to why this happened.

Your husband has made the admission of his fault. He wants to salvage the marriage. That means you will need to work through these issues together. Maybe you need to explore why this happened? There is no excuse for cheating in a marriage, but it is worthwhile to understand what set this affair into motion. It matters, because you have to be secure that this will never happen again. A marriage can survive an affair but there has to be a lot of trust rebuilt. You need to think about what you need to see in him to be able to forgive and begin again.

Good luck to you and take it one day at a time.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th March 2013 at 01:54 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 02:36 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer