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3rd March 2013, 09:26 PM
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#31
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Desperate for advice
That is the kind of response we hope for...hold him to it. I think he is serious.
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3rd March 2013, 10:18 PM
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#32
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
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Re: Desperate for advice
I am sorry but i just cant do this
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3rd March 2013, 10:28 PM
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#33
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Desperate for advice
Can't do what specifically? Sit him down for a talk...keep him with you...what? Not saying anyone would blame you that is for certain...but I wonder if that conversation with the OW has anything to do with how you now feel? Talking to her made it all too real didn't it...
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3rd March 2013, 10:31 PM
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#34
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
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Re: Desperate for advice
I think it did
I also think no sleep or food isnt helping i just cant do anything
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3rd March 2013, 10:32 PM
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#35
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Desperate for advice
This is where it can/will get really bad. If you tell him now, that he has to leave...then you will not know if he can be trusted to keep his word and not contact her. If he stays, then he gets to deal with the "fall out" and especially do you too. That is a lot of drama...drama that the kids dont need!
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3rd March 2013, 10:42 PM
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#36
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
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Re: Desperate for advice
I will not speak with him now untill tomorrow
I would not be a person to punnish him for what he has done, if he has a concience he will punnish himself enough
I dont know if you can truly forgive and trust again after going through this pain
Usually i am level headed and self independant for some reason i just want to sleep and stay sleeping but my kids need me. i have no one else to turn to
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3rd March 2013, 10:46 PM
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#37
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Desperate for advice
Do you have anyone who can watch your children whilst you try to get some sleep? You do not have to make any decisions now...probably would not be the ones you would make a week or two from now anyway. Perhaps you can tell your husband to not come home until you feel ready to face him...that is not punishment...it fits the situation at hand. You need a bit of time to decide what is best for you, and for the children...in THAT order. If you are not well, the children will suffer.
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3rd March 2013, 10:54 PM
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#38
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
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Re: Desperate for advice
he has to come back i need my car to get kids to school, would it be bad if i wrote him a letter to read instead of saying what i need to?
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3rd March 2013, 11:01 PM
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#39
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Desperate for advice
No, it would not be bad to write him instead of talking...he needs to respect the way you choose to communicate just as you would if the tables were turned. Go ahead and compose the letter...sit on it for awhile and then read it again to make certain that it is what you want to convey. When he gets home, get the keys to your car and do whatever else you will.
Do you have someone who can watch the children for you so you can sleep a bit?
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3rd March 2013, 11:06 PM
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#40
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 23
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Re: Desperate for advice
Thank you
No there is no one my boy is 18 and my girl is 21 she lives away from home its just my little girl who needs constant care
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3rd March 2013, 11:10 PM
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#41
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Desperate for advice
No family...no friends...no one? Can your son watch her for a couple of hours?
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3rd March 2013, 11:12 PM
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#42
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
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Re: Desperate for advice
Does your daughter sleep at night? Are you in the UK? I am in the US so I am 8 hours behind you...which means it is around 10pm there now if that is where you are. Anyway, try to compose the letter and then get sleep. When are you expecting him to be home?
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3rd March 2013, 11:23 PM
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#43
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Desperate for advice
Betrayal is really awful Melissa. I don't know how you can make any decisions just now. Your trust has been broken. The only light is that he has not seen her for six months. The downside was that he is still in contact with her.
It is your decision whether you want him to go or if you think there is a chance to save the marriage. He seems sorry now that he has been caught but maintaining contact was not good.
There may be a chance that this crisis will produce a thorough turnaround. You can't accept anything less. It has to be on your terms now or nothing. Whether you will allow him to try and rebuild the trust is a decision you will have to make, but he will have to be an open book until it is. This will take a long time. Trust takes the longest to build but can be broken the quickest. There is no marriage without trust.
If he doesn't change now I don't think he ever will. I would be firm one way or the other. Either he is out or you give him one more chance to prove himself on your terms, but you cannot accept any more of this stuff for your own sanity.
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16th March 2013, 03:42 AM
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#44
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Guest
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Re: Desperate for advice
Dear Melissa...
Some of us have been where you are right now. It is so painful that taking a breath seems effort. I thought I was a capable person and one who got through most everything. I heard the truth about the affair and for days I walked around in a fog. I remember I stood in the rain, crying as the cold water trickled down my face. I stood across the street from the OW's apartment while I waited to see if my husband would walk up her front stairs. I had to see it. It wasn't enough for me to know it. Maybe I just couldn't believe it otherwise.
When I was sure, I could hardly do the easiest task. Anything that required thinking was too much for me.
Healing for me came with the anger I felt that he dared do that to me and the kids. I had to get past the "poor little me" and get to the "damn him for that" to be able to plan the future and what was best for me and my children. I talked to my mother, I talked to a good friend, and it helped to vent that sadness. That is the best thing if you can talk to someone and get some clarity on your situation. Some marriages can survive an affair, if there is other substance. I decided my marriage did not have enough good to weigh out that affair. I'm glad I made that decision and later remarried. Your marriage could overcome this affair, if he is truly committed to change and is repentant for the harm he has caused and the loss of trust.
You think you can't get through this but one day you will realize you have put this bad time behind. Rebuild your confidence. Maybe you can find your way back to each other step by step. I would seek out answers as to why this happened.
Your husband has made the admission of his fault. He wants to salvage the marriage. That means you will need to work through these issues together. Maybe you need to explore why this happened? There is no excuse for cheating in a marriage, but it is worthwhile to understand what set this affair into motion. It matters, because you have to be secure that this will never happen again. A marriage can survive an affair but there has to be a lot of trust rebuilt. You need to think about what you need to see in him to be able to forgive and begin again.
Good luck to you and take it one day at a time.
Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th March 2013 at 01:54 AM.
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