Husband has left!

Well I accept his decision... Can anyone let me know what now? Yes I need to focus on myself and leave him to file for divorce as it is what he wants. Am I stupid for still wanting him back or is that normal? I'm struggling with money what can I do for free to move on? Have you heard of a man sounding this definite coming back or am I flogging a dead horse? I am grieving for him

[chosen]

Of course you are grieving for him, he is your husband. You will need to go through that grief and it will take time, but part of that grief is accepting that the marriage has ended. Yes ist normal to want him back, even if he isnt good for you.
Many solicitors have a free half hour advise session and there is also the citizens advise bureau that you can go to for advise.
I went to a Divorce recovery workshop with many find very useful. The website is DRW.org. They run them all over the country, and consist of 6 weekly sessions. See if they have one in your area. You can then meet others who are going through similar. You dont need to actually be divorced, but separated.

Apart from all that, its time, time and time. You will move on and heal and learn from all of this.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Puglove

His share is much much less than mine so if that's the case I will look into it. In all honesty he has no clue about any of this. I spoke to my cousin today (works for my solicitors and has been speaking to one on my behalf and I've been speaking to her for free which is nice ) and obviously I'm getting my own solicitor, my own backing and he can moan all he likes but I'm not trying to be difficult but equally I'm not a doormat! He just seems to focus on the last 8montgs etc of bad times and not the 4years of good. I'm off work now until Monday to focus on myself. I'm truly truly heartbroken but I know it's not forever and he chooses to throw our life away...that's his choice

Yes it is his choice and I do wonder how he will ever deal with married life to be honest. Maybe he will need to mature a lot more before he is ready for marriage. That's good you are getting some free advise The fact that you have been married such a short time, and also that you put far more into the house than he did, may mean that you are entitled to a larger share. Once you know what you are entitled to you will be ready for whatever he does next.

[ronnoco]

With regards to the house, I have recently done this.

If your husband wants his share, unless there is something written on the deeds saying you put more in than him then it is likely he will be entitled to it. You will either need to agree to a financial settlement or sell.

Your bigger problem could be getting the mortgage company to agree to let you have the mortgage in your own name. I had major trouble with this and earn a good salary (although I have 3 children)

I had to adjust the term, make it a lot longer. To be honest, if you are struggling I would inquire about possibly changing your mortgage to interest only at the moment. If only until you know what is happening, it will drop your monthly payments considerably. If you can't do interest only, extend the term for as long as possible is another option and you will probably need to do this anyway for affordable.

Thank you for the advice. I saw a financial advisor last night which put me at ease. I'm back at mums sleeping in a room with my wedding dress staring at me.
I know time and space is what we need. I need to get my self esteem back. It still feels like its not really happening but it is.

I miss him, I miss what we had. I know ccouples can come back from this..but he has been so mean. His family have buried their heads in the sand, they won't talk to me or him, they just ignore it.
He wants me to still be in his life as his friend etc! I just feel awful and I wish he would come back but he won't not now anyway

[ronnoco]

It's very hard indeed...you're in a state of shock and denial over what's happened. I'm still in the state too. You just can't believe hat it's come to this. You will feel like this for a long time, it's natural.

It's ok to think you may get back together - maybe you will come back from this - not having kids makes that more possible and if thinking there is still hope helps you then do it....BUT...like I said yesterday, plan for the worst. In all this time you haven't once stated the grieving process and you must now start because he has totally made his mind up.

Something I would suggest it try not to think of all the good times together, don't look at photos, certainly put that wedding dress in the wardrobe because that was a different time, he was a different person.

People do change, hearts change...at the moment he is not person you once knew and loved, if he was he wouldn't be treating you he way he is.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Puglove

Thank you for the advice. I saw a financial advisor last night which put me at ease. I'm back at mums sleeping in a room with my wedding dress staring at me.
I know time and space is what we need. I need to get my self esteem back. It still feels like its not really happening but it is.

I miss him, I miss what we had. I know ccouples can come back from this..but he has been so mean. His family have buried their heads in the sand, they won't talk to me or him, they just ignore it.
He wants me to still be in his life as his friend etc! I just feel awful and I wish he would come back but he won't not now anyway

Don't even go there with the 'still being friends' thing. You will recover and heal much mote quickly if you dont see him. You have no children therefore no need to ever see him. Why would you even want to be friends with a man who treated you so badly? You wont see it now, but I think you have had a lucky escape.

[toellandback]

Hiya Jo
It really seems that at this time you have to let go, totally. Let's be honest , nothing else has worked for you so far and all your worrying and waiting has only empowered him more. Every time you contact him just tightens his grip on you and allows him to believe he can have everything just as he wants. Stop contact, take the initiative , get that solicitor working.
I know so well about hope , it kept me going sometimes , but I also started making plans for myself. Even if sometimes I had a lil voice in my head that kept trying to make me believe I didn't mean any of them to come to fruition. It's the biggest and best thing now for you to do. Take the first steps towards a new future. What's that saying "the longest journey starts with the first step" , or something like that x

I needy self esteem back! I need to feel attractive, happy and me again and not this sad lonely girl. He has treated me poorly, whether to push me away, or mask his true feelings I don't know but it's come to this. All he focuses on on the last year, which losing my dad was the worst year of my life but he has made it all about him, how he suffered and how he has been treated in his opinion so awful...

I want him home though... He's treated me badly but.. I love him, I married him, he was my soul mate, now he's changed into a cold, heartless, money grabbing boy who only thinks of himself and the pub. Where did my lovely husband go? He blames me of course. I know things get better in time with losing dad, that's so much easier now than it was but this is just so painful. I've lost everything, a parent, a close family member, my husband, my life!!! Everything!

[Raymond]

You haven't lost your life Jo if only you could see that. It is true that you have to pick up the pieces and move on. That will take looking forward and not back. You just need to make that decision to do it really. Healing will come if you don't let the past keep you a prisoner.

To me he has been heartless at the most vulnerable time of your life. Losing your father. Most husbands would have empathised with the situation not complained or accused. I think that is terrible.

[chosen]

You havent lost your life. That is still there for you to make of what you will. You have lost what you thought was going to be your life with this man, and now it will be different, but you are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. The pain and rejection will gradually fade, and things will get better.

It is hard loosing parents, but that sadly has to happen eventually, to all of us. Both my parents died quite young, mum in her 50's and dad in his late 60's. I still miss them all this time later, especially mum, but that's part of life.

Don't let this make you lean too much on your mum. I think you need to recognise that part of all this was her controlling behaviour, and you may need to deal with that before you meet anyone else
Controlling parents have ruined many marriages, and my MIL nearly broke my husband and I up only 9 months after we married. She was very manipulative and controlling but fortunately lived the other side of the world, and I never went back again. Be more independent from her and cut those apron strings now while you can.

I have to leave him alone. He still hasn't filed etc I'm still hopeful as pathetic as that sounds I am. I have not been good at leaving him alone,

[chosen]

It will take him a while to get the forms and fill them in and send them to you, and thats if he does it immediately. Even if he did come back how long before he runs again?
Dont contact him at all now. Be strong.

I just want my husband back..he left and has treated me poorly but I saw my therapist man today. He says it sounds like he is "procrastinating his emotions" he's saying things but not acting on them. He is keeping himself in a loop of misery by only focusing on the recent negative parts and not the big picture, not the good times as he doesn't want to focus on them as thats his patterns and he is emotionally immature. He is trying to rush everything to get rid of his hurt and pain. He is not ready right now to dicuss anything other than what he wants. I need to just leave him alone, pencil my relationship in my "thought diary" to think about at a later date and not think about things every day.
Right now I would get no where with him, he will talk to me when he wants to. As hard as it is I need to like you guys have said focus on me. He's paying half the mortgage. I can survive like that for a while. I've set a 3 month more time limit in my head to see what happens, I have to see what his next move is. I don't have to rush just because he wants to. He only wants to so it can be "over and done with," to make himself feel better.

His family are head in the sand people, so is he, he's grown up doing what he wants to do, and when we booked a trip he didn't want to go on and he went he resented the fact he was made to go. He resents anyone disagreeing with him right now and he's escaping by hanging with his young mates still.

He's not acting on his requests, he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't help him right now, I can't talk to him. As far as he is concerned his mind is currently made up. Although I text him so much I'm not annoying him, he is annoying himself. He can't deal with any of this.

I'm still seeing the financial advisor but I need to ignore all this for a minute. Focus on me. This whole thing has consumed me for months. I haven't left him alone, I haven't in his eyes shown him I've changed. I liked the thought diary idea.

It it's over he files if not time will tell but I'm ready for both. But texting him, focusing on it won't help.