Which way to turn?

Hi I am, as my name suggests, really confused about what to do. My husband of nearly 18 years has had, as far as I am aware, 2 physical infidelities with the last one culminating in a serious bout of depression and a temporary split of our relationship before he got his head together and we worked it out. Or so I thought until last weekend when I discovered quite by accident that he has downloaded a webcam dating app and is signed up on it (he always uses same log in name so I also got app and searched for his log in - felt sick when I saw it there). I calmly talked about it that evening and he denied, but next day said that it was one of those apps you download to get extra gaming credits. Obviously a load of lies but I've just let it ride over the week as we only get to see each other weekends due to our jobs.
I've gone through all emotions this week. Do I leave? Do I just go for jugular and demand divorce? Do I try and work it through again in the hope that his 'addiction' can be helped with counselling? I know I can't sit back and ignore but we are coming up to weekend and I'm just scared as it could go any way. I love him dearly and have supported him through so much. We have 2 kids, one 17 and one 14 but I don't want to break up our family even though I am the innocent. I am scared for what a separation or divorce might bring as we are not financially secure so I would leave with nothing. I'm scared out of my wits and don't want to end up sad and lonely regretting my decision. I'm 42 and don't want to be a statistic as I stand by my marriage vows 'for better for worse'.
Any advice please? Thank you in advance

[chosen]

Well as he has now cheated at least twice, and appears to be aiming to do it again, I am not sure what choice you have except to separate or put up with it. He appears to be becoming a serial cheater, and he knows that you will just have him back because that is what you have done in the past. He has cheated with no consequences.

You could give him a final ultimatum and say that if he ever either cheats or joins a dating site or whatever it may be again, the marriage is over, and that you will ask HIM to leave(no reason why YOU have to leave), but how many chances are you willing to give him? Many people just wont stop unless they know that you mean what you say. So unless you mean it don't say it.

Do you think he would go to marriage counselling? Do you know that he does all week while you are apart?

I know every word you say is true as the sensible person in me would say that to anyone else in my position. But until you are faced with it, the head/heart lines become so conflicted. No, I don't know what he gets up to in the day when I am at work. I don't think that this has been happening long as part of my 'conditions' the last time were that I wanted complete trust in him and therefore passwords on phones etc were a no-go in order to be completely transparent. This was fine as I say right up until last weekend when I went to look at a picture I had just taken with his phone - he obviously remembered last minute about the app and virtually tore the phone out of my hand. I managed to sneak a look later but I knew then it wouldn't be good. I plan to ask him if he will go to counselling when I have that conversation this weekend but I think it will be rejected unless, as you say, I put an ultimatum with it.
I just can't stop thinking of all the hurt and pain I am going to cause my kids and family if I call it a day. We don't have a lot but what we have is ours and we will lose everything - home, security, relationships. I have great friends but my husband is my best friend. That's why I don't feel ready for divorce because I don't hate him etc etc. Admittedly I don't like him very much at the moment but I don't want to jump the gun and then have regrets.

[chosen]

Many who divorce don't do it because they hate their spouses.
No one wants to break up their family, but actually he is the one who is doing this by betraying you and lying to you.
I know its scary to think of separation, but sometimes a period of separation brings the errant spouse to their senses. Or at least the threat of separation may also have the same effect if he thinks you mean it.


What concerns me is that most affairs aren't planned or arranged, and yet he is actually planning his affairs by going onto dating sites and choosing to get to know women. He is looking for someone to cheat with, and to me that is even worse than someone who gets too close to another person and it slips into an affair.

Something has to stop this run of betrayals, and only firm action from you will do it I think. It may take the thought of loosing you and his children for him to change and stop what he is doing.

Think about your conditions you want ie going to marriage counselling together and/or making sure he knows this last event was his last chance, and tell him is my advise.

Thank you - I know you are right however much it pains me to accept it. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and it's just getting clarity of thought as I go to sleep each night thinking of nothing else. If it goes horribly wrong, how do I get him to leave amicably?

[chosen]

I do feel for you, it must all be so painful.
Trying to get him to go to counselling is probably the first step. Don't ask him if he wants to go, but say that you want him to go with you to save the marriage. I think that seeing a counsellor together may help to talk about it all and find out exactly if he willing to give up all of his womanising to save the marriage. Unless he is willing to do this, and be 100% committed to you alone, its hard to see hope. He has been very lucky so far with you having him back each time, but maybe that has made him a bit complacent?

[toellandback]

Hi
I have to say that you are amazing in that you show such strength to still be in the marriage despite your husbands previous infidelities. It's never going to be you causing hurt and pain to your family if you did choose to end your marriage. It's your husband who would be totally responsible for that. Why should you be feeling guilty when you are the one struggling to hold everything together. You also say you worry about being sad and alone if you split. What's worse , sad and alone but building a happier future in time or sad and alone with a lifetime of infidelity and pain to look forward to ?? I totally understand the head heart thing, I've been there recently. But I know if my wife had one affair never mind two that I could never forgive her. Chosen is correct, unless there are consequences for him he will continue treating you this way. It's my guess he knows you would feel guilty breaking up the family unit. He also knows you would struggle to leave because of the financial difficulties. But if you want his behaviour to stop then you must stop feeling victimized and put the full responsibility for what happens next where it belongs. With him. Best of luck to you

[chosen]

I agree with Barry, I would far rather be alone with my children, than be alone in an unhappy unfaithful marriage where I couldn't trust my husband.
Its his decision now. Change his behaviour completely and be faithful and honest, or loose you and the children. Up till now he has had his cake and eaten it, and that has to stop.
Be strong and firm, and give him the conditions that you want and see what he says.

[ronnoco]

Hello Confused,

Firstly, I'm very sorry for the pain you are going through.

I don't think he has an addiction at all. I believe you are doing what a lot of people do in your situation do and that is you're trying to justify some of your husbands actions. Don't do that, everybody makes their choices. He doesn't have an addiction (if he did, you would know about it) he simple enjoys the thrill and buzz of fooling around with other women on these dating sites.

The head/heart thing is a real difficult one, especially when there are children involved and they are at a key age.
I spoke to a women the other day who's 21 year old son had a melt down about why did his dad cheat on his mum, he'll never understand, etc, etc and this happened 4 years ago. They have been apart for 3 years now. It can have a real impact on children.

I agree with the others, I don't think your husband is going to change his ways unless the sh!* hits the fan and you put it all out on the table.

With regards to your question about what can you do to make him leave amicably? - nothing, there is nothing at all you can do to guarantee this will happen. He may flat out say "I'm not going anywhere" I have heard stories of his happening - it can be very difficult.

One thing is for sure, you are the victim. Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong with whatever you decide because you're not. If you do have it out with him, be tough, stick to your guns, don't accept excuses, demand on marriage counselling, change his phone for an old school non smartphone one, insist on all of these things. Be tough, be strong.

All the best.

Thanks guys - I don't want to be in this situation any more and certainly not for the rest of my life. I feel I have a renewed purpose after reading all your thoughts and as hard as it will be, it will be a 'my way or the high way' chat I'll be having later.

[Raymond]

An ultimatum could be "them or me". You would have to mean it though as Chosen points out. I know it takes a lot of strength and risk but I don't think you have the choice. Choosing to ride along with it often leads to the cheated party becoming a doormat. "she seems to stick to me regardless so it's okay".

We have had many similar situations on here where the wife lacked the courage to leave on the grounds of adultery. I don't know what happened to them but they were never happy knowing what their husbands were up to. His behaviour flys in the face of a good marriage. I'm not saying you can do it suddenly but if he doesn't stop you could plan long term how you were able to carry on without him instead of being trapped in the situation. Possibilities become apparent when you really think about something over time.

[ronnoco]

"Possibilities become apparent when you really think about something over time"

What Raymond said here is so true.

My mum told me many years ago that there is a solution to every problem....I think she's right.

I pray you were brave enough to leave because it doesnt seem as if he fears you leaving him being that he has gotten away with cheating in the past.