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Old 29th March 2015, 01:20 PM   #46
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi defeted. Swap your husbands anger for my apathy and your tentativness for my W's dissatisfaction and your sitch and mine ain't so different. Where you are now was us about a year ago.
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Old 29th March 2015, 02:04 PM   #47
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

So, your suggestion is that i put up a wall to his anger and feel unappreciated and unloved and that's how i should accept things. Walking on egg-shells and not cherishing life?
I don't understand what or how i can change the situation.... i do my own thing, i am nice to him and dote on my children...
I am not sure I can switch off wanting to feel loved and always feeling disappointed and hurt by him being angry and putting his own needs first at every given situation and having no empathy or understaning or kindness. I should lead a lonely existance pretending to my children and everyone else that I'm happy and fulfilled, for what? The sake of not backing out on my vows, that i don't feel he's adhering to.
Your wife was obviously a different person with different values than I, because she started an affair behind your back, but even if the sitations are in fact the same (which i'm not quite seeing, but i'll go with) you suggest that she should have been the one to change her behaviour and that could have saved you? Surely if you had made her feel special and as though she was lucky to have you then she wouldn't have strayed?
I am not tryiing to attack you, i'm just trying to gain a full understanding of what you think i'm doing wrong and what i can do differently without compromising myself and how i feel inside about the sort of relationship that's a happy one?
I'm all about compromising.... i used to be a party girl, he didn't like that and so i stopped, and having children altered that completely. He doesn't like certain friends i have, and so i've stopped any contact with them. As I've said, i've been more than compromising about moving to wherever he wants and leaving my friends and family. I haven't changed as a person, apart from my priorities are no longer about my own needs, but his and my children.
I don't know what you're suggesting I do?
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Old 29th March 2015, 08:41 PM   #48
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
So, your suggestion is that i put up a wall to his anger and feel unappreciated and unloved and that's how i should accept things. Walking on egg-shells and not cherishing life?
I don't understand what or how i can change the situation.... i do my own thing, i am nice to him and dote on my children...
I am not sure I can switch off wanting to feel loved and always feeling disappointed and hurt by him being angry and putting his own needs first at every given situation and having no empathy or understaning or kindness. I should lead a lonely existance pretending to my children and everyone else that I'm happy and fulfilled, for what? The sake of not backing out on my vows, that i don't feel he's adhering to.
Your wife was obviously a different person with different values than I, because she started an affair behind your back, but even if the sitations are in fact the same (which i'm not quite seeing, but i'll go with) you suggest that she should have been the one to change her behaviour and that could have saved you? Surely if you had made her feel special and as though she was lucky to have you then she wouldn't have strayed?
I am not tryiing to attack you, i'm just trying to gain a full understanding of what you think i'm doing wrong and what i can do differently without compromising myself and how i feel inside about the sort of relationship that's a happy one?
I'm all about compromising.... i used to be a party girl, he didn't like that and so i stopped, and having children altered that completely. He doesn't like certain friends i have, and so i've stopped any contact with them. As I've said, i've been more than compromising about moving to wherever he wants and leaving my friends and family. I haven't changed as a person, apart from my priorities are no longer about my own needs, but his and my children.
I don't know what you're suggesting I do?
Evening defeated. Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I've been out all day. You and my STBXW aren't so different. By that I mean she felt exactly the same way as you not so long ago. Why did she start her A? I could go on about that all night but not so long ago if I had known things were so bad for her I would have chewed my right leg off to sort it. I didn't get that chance. Hence, the try something different mantra. You see my ex for years said she wasn't happy but i didn't hear the message. I didn't know the risks I was facing. And that's my point. You are close to breaking. You've tried therapy and all sorts of other tactics but he isn't listening to you. Why do you think that is? I don't know. My mistake is I always thought we were solid. Nothing would break us. How wrong I was. It's only when she stopped talking everything went to s*it. I did tell her I loved her. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun but for her there was something missing. In your sitch you are making it loud and clear what's wrong but he's not taking it in. So try something different. IDK what that is. Only you know what will work when you get a positive reaction.

Peace
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Old 29th March 2015, 10:15 PM   #49
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Evening defeated. Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I've been out all day. You and my STBXW aren't so different. By that I mean she felt exactly the same way as you not so long ago. Why did she start her A? I could go on about that all night but not so long ago if I had known things were so bad for her I would have chewed my right leg off to sort it. I didn't get that chance. Hence, the try something different mantra. You see my ex for years said she wasn't happy but i didn't hear the message. I didn't know the risks I was facing. And that's my point. You are close to breaking. You've tried therapy and all sorts of other tactics but he isn't listening to you. Why do you think that is? I don't know. My mistake is I always thought we were solid. Nothing would break us. How wrong I was. It's only when she stopped talking everything went to s*it. I did tell her I loved her. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun but for her there was something missing. In your sitch you are making it loud and clear what's wrong but he's not taking it in. So try something different. IDK what that is. Only you know what will work when you get a positive reaction.
Peace
That was such a kind and thoughtful message. I'm so sorry for you she didn't get through to you, that's really sad. But incredible that you have the introspection you do and you will no doubt be far happier in your future.
Thank you so much. You're right I'm close to breaking point, but I will try anything at the moment and so we'll see. We just had a big argument, which ended with us not wanting to kill one another and so, who knows, maybe there is hope. But you're right I feel defeated by it and the frustration of knowing i give so much and it's thrown back in my face.
It's so minor compared to what so many have been and are going through on here - which is why I'm so appreciative of you taking the time to explain what you want.
I hope life is getting better for you.
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Old 29th March 2015, 10:27 PM   #50
chosen
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Evening defeated. Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I've been out all day. You and my STBXW aren't so different. By that I mean she felt exactly the same way as you not so long ago. Why did she start her A? I could go on about that all night but not so long ago if I had known things were so bad for her I would have chewed my right leg off to sort it. I didn't get that chance. Hence, the try something different mantra. You see my ex for years said she wasn't happy but i didn't hear the message. I didn't know the risks I was facing. And that's my point. You are close to breaking. You've tried therapy and all sorts of other tactics but he isn't listening to you. Why do you think that is? I don't know. My mistake is I always thought we were solid. Nothing would break us. How wrong I was. It's only when she stopped talking everything went to s*it. I did tell her I loved her. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun but for her there was something missing. In your sitch you are making it loud and clear what's wrong but he's not taking it in. So try something different. IDK what that is. Only you know what will work when you get a positive reaction.

Peace
Do you think that some people will always be searching for that 'something missing' and that extra excitement no matter what they have in life?
Also do you think that she says that she hasnt been happy for years as a way of excusing her affair?

You see, my husbands ex was always discontent with him and their marriage, and yet to me he is the best husband ever, so how is that? Maybe some people will never be satisfied no matter what they have. I will never understand why she rejected such a lovely man, but she was maybe looking for total perfection and total happiness, and that isnt life is it. Its possible such people will never be content and will always be searching for the unobtainable and unreal fantasy.
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Old 29th March 2015, 10:45 PM   #51
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Dear defeated and chosen. Both your responses are heartfelt and sage. I can only answer you both with something else I've learn d. Something chosen knows and LDT, Ralf ,myself and hopefully you defeated are just learning. You are only responsible for your own happiness. See now what I mean? If my STBXW realised I'm not responsible for her happiness she would have realised I wasn't the one holding her back. I wasn't the problem. She was expecting something from me and it didn't materallise. So now we are broken. I only wish she tried something different that made me realise what was really going by on.
And chosen, my wise friend. You and I have mentioned this before. It's any excuse for the A. Remember this is all my fault, just like your husbands ex told him.
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Old 30th March 2015, 12:24 AM   #52
chosen
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Dear defeated and chosen. Both your responses are heartfelt and sage. I can only answer you both with something else I've learn d. Something chosen knows and LDT, Ralf ,myself and hopefully you defeated are just learning. You are only responsible for your own happiness. See now what I mean? If my STBXW realised I'm not responsible for her happiness she would have realised I wasn't the one holding her back. I wasn't the problem. She was expecting something from me and it didn't materallise. So now we are broken. I only wish she tried something different that made me realise what was really going by on.
And chosen, my wise friend. You and I have mentioned this before. It's any excuse for the A. Remember this is all my fault, just like your husbands ex told him.
Yes, humans are very good at blaming everyone but themselves. Its actually rare and quite refreshing when a person does admit that what they did was wrong, and that no one was responsible but themselves. After all even if we arent happy, its no excuse for having an affair or leaving the other person for no reason.
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Old 31st March 2015, 05:51 PM   #53
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi defeated. Not heard from you for a couple of days. How are things? You ok?
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Old 2nd April 2015, 09:47 PM   #54
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hope you're okay, defeated.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 10:15 PM   #55
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I'm really hoping your silence means your sorting it out. Big love defeated.
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Old 3rd April 2015, 01:09 AM   #56
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

hi there
sorry for the silence.
yet more confusion and me not understanding what's going on. he seems to be blowing from one extreme to the other.
and after the mother of all arguments we seem to have hit a stalemate. we're ticking along fine, not addressing anything, just co-existing.
he did announce a few nights ago that he was going to return to our bedroom to sleep, but for the first time i stopped him. not because i don't want to be close again... but because i can't take a step back to pretending everything is ok and i just don't feel as though i can sleep in the same bed, without any affection or understanding, or anything having been resolved whatsoever.
i'm still waiting and hoping beyond hopes that somehow and in the not too distant future, that i'll get through and he'll realise that he has stuff to deal with and because of this behaves in an unacceptable way, and the barrier that's there is because he has issues to deal with.
i know we need help to communicate and i'm happy and willing and ready to try to change myself, but only if he'll meet me half way and acknowledge that he has to face up to having a block and issues that need to be addressed.
I have booked a family long weekend, leaving tomorrow, and so we'll see how that goes. He is ofcourse negative about it.
My 7 yr old daughter was asking me what it was like to be a parent today, and how it feels to have children... i explained that it's exhausting and draining and very hard when you feel everyone wants things at the same time and you sometimes feel it gets on top of you, but underneath it all and more than anything you feel as though your heart's bursting with susch extreme, gushing love, and until she has her own children she won't understand how you can ever love anything as much as you do your children. She turned to me and said 'i don't think Daddy thinks that, do you?' i didn't know how to answer... i'm sure he does, deep down, as i'm sure he does me, deep down... but it's getting too exhausting trying to get to feel it. It sort of feels as though we're getting more and more disconnected and he's getting more and more in to his own world of him. It made my heart break though... every little girl, or boy, should feel that they're the whole world to both of their parents, but what he's projecting isn't making anyone feel it.
Anyway, sorry, this is really glib.
I'm really tired. This situation is so draining and i'm so worried it won't change.
I hope you're all doing ok???? I will check in properly soon. Just too tired to do anything but put my energy in to trying to keep my children happy... it's the Easter holidays and so pretty full on.

Last edited by defeated; 3rd April 2015 at 01:15 AM.
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Old 3rd April 2015, 10:27 AM   #57
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
hi there
sorry for the silence.
yet more confusion and me not understanding what's going on. he seems to be blowing from one extreme to the other.
and after the mother of all arguments we seem to have hit a stalemate. we're ticking along fine, not addressing anything, just co-existing.
he did announce a few nights ago that he was going to return to our bedroom to sleep, but for the first time i stopped him. not because i don't want to be close again... but because i can't take a step back to pretending everything is ok and i just don't feel as though i can sleep in the same bed, without any affection or understanding, or anything having been resolved whatsoever.
i'm still waiting and hoping beyond hopes that somehow and in the not too distant future, that i'll get through and he'll realise that he has stuff to deal with and because of this behaves in an unacceptable way, and the barrier that's there is because he has issues to deal with.
i know we need help to communicate and i'm happy and willing and ready to try to change myself, but only if he'll meet me half way and acknowledge that he has to face up to having a block and issues that need to be addressed.
I have booked a family long weekend, leaving tomorrow, and so we'll see how that goes. He is ofcourse negative about it.
My 7 yr old daughter was asking me what it was like to be a parent today, and how it feels to have children... i explained that it's exhausting and draining and very hard when you feel everyone wants things at the same time and you sometimes feel it gets on top of you, but underneath it all and more than anything you feel as though your heart's bursting with susch extreme, gushing love, and until she has her own children she won't understand how you can ever love anything as much as you do your children. She turned to me and said 'i don't think Daddy thinks that, do you?' i didn't know how to answer... i'm sure he does, deep down, as i'm sure he does me, deep down... but it's getting too exhausting trying to get to feel it. It sort of feels as though we're getting more and more disconnected and he's getting more and more in to his own world of him. It made my heart break though... every little girl, or boy, should feel that they're the whole world to both of their parents, but what he's projecting isn't making anyone feel it.
Anyway, sorry, this is really glib.
I'm really tired. This situation is so draining and i'm so worried it won't change.
I hope you're all doing ok???? I will check in properly soon. Just too tired to do anything but put my energy in to trying to keep my children happy... it's the Easter holidays and so pretty full on.
Hey. Enjoy the weekend. Put everything into your children and you having some fun. Don't push your H. Just let him see you all having fun and you never know. His mood may lift just enough to enjoy himself a bit.
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Old 3rd April 2015, 01:50 PM   #58
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hope you and your family have a peaceful and happy Easter.
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Old 5th April 2015, 08:53 PM   #59
ralfgarnett
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Buttered roasted parsnips.
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Old 17th April 2015, 02:23 PM   #60
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Hi defeated. I saw you posting on another thread. How are things? How was Easter?
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