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Old 4th August 2015, 09:11 AM   #1696
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Hi LDT.

Yes, that sadness is still there. It's dissipating but it's still there. I can't deny it and won't deny it. The only difference now is I don't let it consume me. I'm moving on. Like all of us I wish I didn't need to do this but I do. So onwards and upwards.

This is a learning curve for us all. Just proves how resolute we can be in the face of adversity.

Peace.
Hi mate, I didn't want or need a learning curve or to prove how resolute I need to be at the age of 49 /50, I'm pretty sure you didn't need it either, I have had enough to cope with over the past few years, with at least 7 very close bereavements, one redundancy, setting up and scrapping to keep a business not just afloat but also profit making right through the recession, I also had to cope and deal with my wife's many stress's and strains with work, work colleagues, patients suicides, potential redundancy, and her own personal ailments, but no problem that's one of the reasons I was / am her husband, but above all of this I just used to be happy, put all the above in a box and I was happy with her, happy at home, happy on holiday, just happy, then the screwed up weirdo goes bonkers and pulls the rug right from beneath both our feet sending us both in to free fall, so I don't want a show of strength, if I want one of those I would buy some dumbells and a leopard skin toga, I just wanted and loved the peace of our life together,
sliem inti anke habib.
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:32 AM   #1697
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi mate, I didn't want or need a learning curve or to prove how resolute I need to be at the age of 49 /50, I'm pretty sure you didn't need it either, I have had enough to cope with over the past few years, with at least 7 very close bereavements, one redundancy, setting up and scrapping to keep a business not just afloat but also profit making right through the recession, I also had to cope and deal with my wife's many stress's and strains with work, work colleagues, patients suicides, potential redundancy, and her own personal ailments, but no problem that's one of the reasons I was / am her husband, but above all of this I just used to be happy, put all the above in a box and I was happy with her, happy at home, happy on holiday, just happy, then the screwed up weirdo goes bonkers and pulls the rug right from beneath both our feet sending us both in to free fall, so I don't want a show of strength, if I want one of those I would buy some dumbells and a leopard skin toga, I just wanted and loved the peace of our life together,
sliem inti anke habib.
None of us wanted this sh!t mate. Not one. But here we are. So we have a choice witch is either lie down and let this beat us or stand up and fight. I chose the latter.
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:38 AM   #1698
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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None of us wanted this sh!t mate. Not one. But here we are. So we have a choice witch is either lie down and let this beat us or stand up and fight. I chose the latter.
Agreed, but with one thing or another I don't have much fight in me, mainly because the afore mentioned reasons, I currently don't have the energy to fight anyone, this is part of the problem, time and life has taken it's toll on me for now, had it not, this past 12 months would of been a lot easier on me because I am known for being strong and bouncing back from blows, but this was a left hook and a right upper cut that I never expected or saw coming, and this has knocked me on to the canvas.
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:47 AM   #1699
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

It's only a count to 3 then you get back up.

I know you have health issues. And that's a kicker. But you will also get better. Look, this situation has broken you. I can see that in your posts. You've had some excellent advice on here and I can see small changes in what you say. But you're still holding onto the past.

I personally think you should make some short term goals. What can you do to speed up your recovery? There must be something. I don't believe for a minute there isn't anything you can do.

Remember the do something different message that helped you get that sale? Well, it's as true today as it was then.

You can do this Ralf.

Any yea, the youtube video was a good choice. I had to wash my eyes out with soap after that. Ever seen an iphone go flying out of a downstairs window?
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:48 AM   #1700
ronnoco
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Ralf, you really really really should put all of your wife's stuff in the loft and out of sight. Waking up to see her perfumes, etc is just going to make everything so much harder for you. You are making yourself miss her more.

Pack everything away and put it in the loft. If you can't get it in the loft yourself, seek help or if necessary pay an odd job man.

Go to your nearest Wilko and buy some cheap paintings or canvasses. Take down all of your photos and put these up in place. Replace your bed linen...I could carry on but you get the picture.

This will be a good move, trust me. You should have done this 6 months ago.
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:58 AM   #1701
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I agree with ronnco

All my WW's stuff is in a spare room that I rarely enter. No pictures of her anywhere. It does make it so much easier not to have reminders all over the place.
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Old 4th August 2015, 10:34 AM   #1702
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi chaps her stuff doesn't actually bother me I don't go round hugging it or touching it just is, with regards photo's I don't look at them, in the front room where our wedding photo's used to be are 3 very nice water colours of places in Malta then 2 more over the fireplace, in the back room there are 2 collages of various pictures that she made up, they include her, her friend, me and her, my mum and dad her mum and dad, various dog's cats, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc and to see them I have to go right up to them but I don't do that there's no point, the only wedding photo left standing is in the corner unit in the front room but I can barely make it out from here, one day I will get the key and unlock it and remove the photo but as with the other ones I mentioned it's not a problem to me, to see it I need to go up and look through the glass or open the door but I do neither, as with the other it just is, but I am not moving her gear I would consider that as aiding her and that's her job I refuse flatly to do her job for her.

BTW: NDY, no there is nothing that anyone can do to speed up recovery of DVT it is not something to trifle with an old pal of mine died from one in January this was on my mind the other week, you simply keep taking the meds and wait for it to start to break down, right now the bloody leg is still killing me, as an example I stood at the bar sunday afternoon waiting to order a pint, and 30 minutes or so later it was still aching from that 5 minute standing, I can't sit too long either so that is making work difficult, but eventually with the meds doing their work the clot will start to clear and with it the swelling and pain.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th August 2015 at 10:44 AM.
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Old 4th August 2015, 10:46 AM   #1703
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Ok Ralf, 4X2 time

This is just an excuse mate. It wasn't that long ago you were replaying voicemail messages of her and re reading old emails from her. You said it yourself how you like her lotions and potions being on the dresser and how you lift them to dust. You used to sleep with one of her sweaters. This wasn't so long ago.

So yes, her stuff IS a constant reminder no matter what you say here and I firmly believe you want to keep it that way. People here are giving you sound advice. I know you don't want to hear it but if you want to stand ANY chance of coming out of this do what people are saying. They say this for a reason and it's to help YOU.

Come on. Start today. Put her stuff away.
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Old 4th August 2015, 11:13 AM   #1704
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Ok Ralf, 4X2 time

This is just an excuse mate. It wasn't that long ago you were replaying voicemail messages of her and re reading old emails from her. You said it yourself how you like her lotions and potions being on the dresser and how you lift them to dust. You used to sleep with one of her sweaters. This wasn't so long ago.

So yes, her stuff IS a constant reminder no matter what you say here and I firmly believe you want to keep it that way. People here are giving you sound advice. I know you don't want to hear it but if you want to stand ANY chance of coming out of this do what people are saying. They say this for a reason and it's to help YOU.

Come on. Start today. Put her stuff away.
Ok just for you and our old pal ronnoco I will go and clear her dressing table if only to prove to you how honestly indifferent I am about it, I'm not putting her stuff in the loft or anything like that I am clearing away her body lotions etc, will report back when I have done it, I'm on my way.
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Old 4th August 2015, 11:17 AM   #1705
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Ok just for you and our old pal ronnoco I will go and clear her dressing table if only to prove to you how honestly indifferent I am about it, I'm not putting her stuff in the loft or anything like that I am clearing away her body lotions etc, will report back when I have done it, I'm on my way.

Good. this is a start.
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Old 4th August 2015, 11:24 AM   #1706
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

There you go, dressing table cleared of all lotions and potions and jewellery case removed at the same time, no problem, no tears, didn't think twice, just shoved it all in with her trollies and vest tops.
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Old 4th August 2015, 11:26 AM   #1707
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Phase one complete.
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Old 4th August 2015, 11:30 AM   #1708
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Phase one complete.
Yes but it was no big deal it hasn't been for a long time, thanks for caring though both of you I do appreciate it.

But just before I nip out for an hour or so NDY you said "I firmly believe you want to keep it that way" I don't mate I give you my word I don't want to keep things as they are, I'm just slow in bouncing back and waking up that's all.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th August 2015 at 11:35 AM.
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Old 4th August 2015, 01:17 PM   #1709
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Ralf, you really really really should put all of your wife's stuff in the loft and out of sight. Waking up to see her perfumes, etc is just going to make everything so much harder for you. You are making yourself miss her more.

Pack everything away and put it in the loft. If you can't get it in the loft yourself, seek help or if necessary pay an odd job man.

Go to your nearest Wilko and buy some cheap paintings or canvasses. Take down all of your photos and put these up in place. Replace your bed linen...I could carry on but you get the picture.

This will be a good move, trust me. You should have done this 6 months ago.
yes I agree, and I also mentioned this many months back. What is the point of having things around that make you feel bad? Its pointless. In your place after over a year I would be saying to her, I am going to pack up your things in black sacks, I will let you know when they are ready, and I want them collected within a week.
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Old 4th August 2015, 01:47 PM   #1710
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
yes I agree, and I also mentioned this many months back. What is the point of having things around that make you feel bad? Its pointless. In your place after over a year I would be saying to her, I am going to pack up your things in black sacks, I will let you know when they are ready, and I want them collected within a week.
I keep telling people it doesn't make me feel bad, it doesn't do anything to me I have no feeling whatsoever about it, the only thing that moves me is her wedding dress but i haven't seen that for ages although i do know where it is, I don't walk round wearing her vest tops, skirts, socks, shoes, or knickers, with regards packing her stuff up then no chance, I am sticking to my guns on that one, for fear of repetition I am not enabling her in any way, I am not using my energy, my time, my bin bags to do her dirty work for her, that would be playing right in to her hands, if she wants her stuff then she can come and get it and pack everything herself using her time, her energy, and her own bin bags, i refuse to play any part whatsoever in any aspect of dismantling our marriage, no no no, I am sticking with this one and I wont be persuaded other wise by anyone, least of all her.
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