Need advice badly! - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

Lexuslady · 17th July 2015, 02:14 AM

I've been with my spouse 10 yrs (married 2)..... When we first met , he was a dream. After suffering thru a verbally abusive 1st marriage, I waited 5 yrs before dating again. When I met my now husband, we were both looking for love. After approx 4 yrs into the relationship, he started acting distant & broke up with me. We remained friends, and even tho I wanted to recapture the relationship, he wasn't interested. He said he needed time to get himself together & he didn't want a relationship with ANYONE.

We remained friends until about 1 yr into the friendship, he started disappearing & not answering my calls or text msgs. I found out thru the grapevine that he was seeing someone else. He never told me even though we vowed to always be friends.

About a year into his new relationship, he lost his job, his car got repossessed, & he got evicted. I'd heard that his new girlfriend went through all his money (and severance) to support her gambling habit, and when he lost everything, she kicked him to the curb. Here's where it gets ugly.

After not returning my calls for a year, he reaches out to me, after the other woman broke up with him, declaring his remorse & saying he still loves me. I was skeptical at first, but love overtook me, so I let him back in in a BIG way! When he got evicted, I let him move in with me & he quickly asked me to marry him. Because I was so desparate to get him back, I said yes. We got married in 2013.

Since then, I feel like 85% of the financial burden is on me. I had to buy him a car so that he could get a job. I found the job for him & he works but doesn't bring in much money. He doesn't cater to me like he did early when we first met. I've told him over & over that I feel like he married me out of convenience to be rescued from homelessness. I feel like a fool. I really need advice. He says he loves me but he's lazy & I'm not seeing it. Whenever I threaten to put him out, he shows a little bit until I'm better & then he goes back to his old comfortable "taking me for granted" ways.

We've been to therapy and he changes for a minute & then right back to his old ways.

Should I leave FOR GOOD?!!!!! Please help, I need advice! I know I jumped into marriage too soon & now he terrified that I will leave him & he claims that he wants the marriage to work & he married me because he loves me....I'm so confused!!!!

ralfgarnett · 17th July 2015, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lexuslady

I've been with my spouse 10 yrs (married 2)..... When we first met , he was a dream. After suffering thru a verbally abusive 1st marriage, I waited 5 yrs before dating again. When I met my now husband, we were both looking for love. After approx 4 yrs into the relationship, he started acting distant & broke up with me. We remained friends, and even tho I wanted to recapture the relationship, he wasn't interested. He said he needed time to get himself together & he didn't want a relationship with ANYONE.

We remained friends until about 1 yr into the friendship, he started disappearing & not answering my calls or text msgs. I found out thru the grapevine that he was seeing someone else. He never told me even though we vowed to always be friends.

About a year into his new relationship, he lost his job, his car got repossessed, & he got evicted. I'd heard that his new girlfriend went through all his money (and severance) to support her gambling habit, and when he lost everything, she kicked him to the curb. Here's where it gets ugly.

After not returning my calls for a year, he reaches out to me, after the other woman broke up with him, declaring his remorse & saying he still loves me. I was skeptical at first, but love overtook me, so I let him back in in a BIG way! When he got evicted, I let him move in with me & he quickly asked me to marry him. Because I was so desparate to get him back, I said yes. We got married in 2013.

Since then, I feel like 85% of the financial burden is on me. I had to buy him a car so that he could get a job. I found the job for him & he works but doesn't bring in much money. He doesn't cater to me like he did early when we first met. I've told him over & over that I feel like he married me out of convenience to be rescued from homelessness. I feel like a fool. I really need advice. He says he loves me but he's lazy & I'm not seeing it. Whenever I threaten to put him out, he shows a little bit until I'm better & then he goes back to his old comfortable "taking me for granted" ways.

We've been to therapy and he changes for a minute & then right back to his old ways.

Should I leave FOR GOOD?!!!!! Please help, I need advice! I know I jumped into marriage too soon & now he terrified that I will leave him & he claims that he wants the marriage to work & he married me because he loves me....I'm so confused!!!!

Hello lexus lady, I can't give you any advice as I am still struggling to come to terms of my 1 year separation from my wife of 17 years partner of 19 years, however I am sorry that you are having such a tough time and you find yourself here in the ship of lost souls, I just want you to know that I feel and share your pain and that my thoughts and best wishes are with you, if you hang around in here long enough then someone much wiser and better qualified than I will nip in and start giving you good advice, meanwhile good luck and keep your chin up the best that you can.

Lexuslady · 17th July 2015, 03:19 PM

Thank you Ralfgarnett, I appreciate your kind words. I really want to make this work but my resentment is overwhelming!

ralfgarnett · 17th July 2015, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lexuslady

Thank you Ralfgarnett, I appreciate your kind words. I really want to make this work but my resentment is overwhelming!

Your very welcome, I wish I could offer you more but I am really not in a good place to offer anyone any sort of marital advice.

Lindentree1 · 17th July 2015, 07:44 PM

You have resentment and trust issues. Understandably. To me you both need to continue counseling. If you want to make this work (and you say you do) I can't think of any other advice to give.

Except he might want to look for a job that pays more, since you are shouldering most of the financial burden.

If you love him, keep working on saving the marriage. Until you've done all you can. You don't want regrets. If there has been no change in the marriage after working on it, you'll have to access your relationship. No one here can truly tell you to stay or leave. We are not in your situation. Only you can decide about your marriage, Lexuslady. I wish you luck. Keep us updated. You'll find people that care here.

Lexuslady · 17th July 2015, 08:26 PM

Thanks Lindentree1,

I do want it to work, but I also don't want to be used, and I'm feeling used and like a means to an end. I've always been a better manager of money than my husband, and I feel that he takes advantage of it.

You're right in that I must decide whether to stay or go........when I write down the pros and cons, he DOES have a lot of great traits (spiritual, kind, easy-going, does NOT like arguments/disagreements), but these same traits can be cons also because it manifests itself as procrastination, lack of interest, low energy, which is another issue I have. We are both in our 50's with grown children, and I believe in staying healthy and fit. He is overweight, eats bad, has type 2 diabetes, and will NOT take care of himself. If I buy healthy food, he eats it, but he also eats burgers and fries when he's at work or not at home....anyway, whatever anyone can offer helps. Thanks sooooooo much for caring and listening

Lindentree1 · 17th July 2015, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lexuslady

Thanks Lindentree1,

I do want it to work, but I also don't want to be used, and I'm feeling used and like a means to an end. I've always been a better manager of money than my husband, and I feel that he takes advantage of it.

You're right in that I must decide whether to stay or go........when I write down the pros and cons, he DOES have a lot of great traits (spiritual, kind, easy-going, does NOT like arguments/disagreements), but these same traits can be cons also because it manifests itself as procrastination, lack of interest, low energy, which is another issue I have. We are both in our 50's with grown children, and I believe in staying healthy and fit. He is overweight, eats bad, has type 2 diabetes, and will NOT take care of himself. If I buy healthy food, he eats it, but he also eats burgers and fries when he's at work or not at home....anyway, whatever anyone can offer helps. Thanks sooooooo much for caring and listening

You say you're feeling used. It's hard to have a marriage if you feel like an ATM (cash machine). Counseling could help you sort out those issues.

As far as his weight goes, you don't want to be too obvious about it. He could get resentful and refuse to take care of himself further. Here are some ideas I thought of...

Take walks after dinner. Make lunches for work at home to ensure they are healthy. You could tell him you want to save money by making lunch at home. Join a gym. Be enthusiastic about positive changes but no lectures.

If none of that works you could sit him down and tell him you are concerned about his health.

I still think that counseling might help you both before things reach the point of no
return. Like I said earlier, if you know you've done everything you can make your decision to stay or leave with no nagging regrets.

chosen · 17th July 2015, 09:07 PM

Well I cant quite understand why you married him after the terrible way he treated you, but if you want to stay with him then some counseling may help. The thing is that you married a man who was lazy, overweight, unfaithful and unreliable, and now you wonder why he is lazy, unreliable, overweight and irresponsible. Not sure what you expected really but if you are BOTH fully committed to making the marriage work then it may be possible.

Lindentree1 · 17th July 2015, 09:21 PM

That is a bright spot in all this. You both say you want the marriage to work. If you both put your words into actions, there is a chance.

Lexuslady · 17th July 2015, 10:59 PM

Thanks for the comments

Yes Chosen, I married him in spite of my better judgement because I had low self esteem and I've only been in 2 relationships my entire life, and the first was an abusive husband. When I met my current husband, I was very skeptical which is why I took my time getting to know him in the beginning. It was a dumb decision to marry him when he came back but I was still seeing the kind, loving, thoughtful guy I met and wanted desparely to get it back. No one has ever made me feel the way he has & I held onto that powerful amazing love. I know that sounds crazy but I was in love with him & I have been since the early days. I prayed for him to come back, and it's been said to be careful what you pray for, so now I'm trying to fix my mistake. Dag, life is crazy especially when we make bad choices. I can still leave tho which is my dilemma right now

Raymond · 27th July 2015, 09:44 AM

I think you may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in fears of independence. The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them. Marriage is more of a partnership than an emotional dependency thing. I think you need to work on your self esteem and independence in the right sense in order to protect your boundaries.