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Old 6th November 2014, 11:16 PM   #1
mjker
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Unhappy What's happening?! What to do?

Hello,
I'm completely confused as to what is happening with my marriage, and what to do about it!

Married for about 10 years, 2 young (fantastic) children. All has been good up until this year. Now things are just in a complete state, and it feels like it's all headed towards a bad outcome.

About 8 months ago I started a new job, working a long way away, even staying overnight once or twice a week. Job was tough/stressful for first few months. Even before I started it, upon reflection it was affecting me. But when I started, I was completely focussed on this new job. I did not want to think about anything else that was extra stress/hassle/complication. I think myself and my wife started to talk less, do less together, less intimacy.

A few months back, this came to a bit of a head and I couldn't live in my comatose state any more, and we were both fed up with it all. A few arguments ensued, talking, apologies (from me). She told me that whilst I was "away", she'd got on with doing other things, and started to become used to it.

Anyway, another few months on, things have not improved. I'm no longer focussed or stressed about work. The problem now is, there's just not been any coming back together again.
She spends around 85% of our time together on Facebook/Twitter, communicating with others. We go out, she's on her mobile on Facebook/Twitter. Every evening at home, she's on Facebook/Twitter. Every family meal out, the mobile's there, constantly checking Facebook/Twitter. Every drive in the car somewhere, Facebook/Twitter.
There's no kissing (save pecks when she goes out), or anything else.
She's out a lot, which I hate, not because she's out, but because she doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me.
I tried quite hard to be cool about it all, tried to introduce a bit more cuddling etc, but just never got anything back, and felt quite rejected repeatedly. Couldn't do it any more, and now I'm withdrawn, probably making her more withdrawn....and on and on.

I'm now just completely depressed about it all. Crying like a nutter in traffic on the way to work, feeling sick every time I think about it, etc. Just fed up generally with the way life is. I get a quite paranoid about things sometimes, who she's out with, am I being used a bit, etc etc. The mind creates some fairly depressing thoughts sometimes.

Started to question if I'm really with the right person. I'm starting to think more and more about a lots of things she does that I think are wrong - I often seems to me like she's not interested in the family anymore (not that I would ever say she doesn't completely and utterly love her children). Reflecting upon our relationship over the years, it feels to me like it's almost always been me who instigates any intimacy, cuddling, etc. I've always felt on edge, as she's always been quick to snap at me, complain, and I've ended up feeling careful about what I do.
Sometimes I think it's mostly the thought of being alone and not living with the kids, and not so much the thought of losing her, that really gets me down.

At the same time, all I want is to be happy again with her, and our family be a proper family again.

I know full well I've not done/handled things as well as could have been, but I'm no expert, don't really know what I'm doing.


Well, that's probably written about as messily as my head is at the moment. Any advice gladly taken.
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Old 6th November 2014, 11:24 PM   #2
Devitt
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Hello, sorry to hear what your going through
I'm not the best person to give advice as I've made a complete mess of my life, however, all I would say is talk to her no matter hard it is
My wife has just left me and my biggest regret of many is I did talk about it, I thought things were not great but would get better, and now it's to late
Tackle it head on what's to lose
There will be far better people on here then me who will really help
Good luck and my thoughts are with you
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Old 6th November 2014, 11:49 PM   #3
ronnoco
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

It's good advise from Devitt - communication is absolutely vital.

It sounds like you've become stuck in a rut, stagnent and a little lost to me.

To be honest, I think some good marriage counselling would benefit you both..

Social Networking can cause huge problems in relationships and can be the start of emotional affairs - not good.

It's not acceptable that she spends all her time on Facebook/Twitter. I can imagine how annoying that must be for you.

I think you both need to talk, make more effort and re-kindle the romance.

I would suggest you get together and both write a list of all the things you would like to do as a couple. I.e. go the cinema, meal out, theatre, etc, etc. If money will allow, arrange for a babysitter and try to make one of these things happen perhaps once a fortnight?, taking it in turns on picking.

Could the kids have their dinner before you once a week and perhaps you have a nice meal and a glass of wine on your own? - watch a movie?

The key like Devitt says is communication. But the problem is, a bird can't fly on a broken wing. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. You clearly are willing but you need to get your wife on board.

Don't worry about the future and what might happen. Just worry about the present and trying to make your marriage work.

Good luck.
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Old 7th November 2014, 12:10 AM   #4
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

I hear what you're saying about communicating. I know I've got to do it, before some kind of almighty marriage ending disaster......plucking up the courage to actually start the conversation is not easy though.....

The social networking thing is actually driving me mad. Every day I get in from work, and it's up on the computer monitor, and the kids are generally sat in front of the TV.
After much tapping away tonight, she announced she was off out with a friend. Oh, great, another night of nothingness......hence why I ended up here really.

I know that if I attempt to suggest I'm unhappy with the volume of time she spends doing it, it will not be reacted to well. There will likely be an angry reaction, and something will end up being all my fault. I don't really recall many times over the years I've heard the word "sorry".

I think perhaps I need to not talk about what I don't like, but focus on what I/we would like.
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Old 7th November 2014, 12:19 AM   #5
ronnoco
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

What friend is she out with at this time of day??

Oh I can imagine - I bet it makes your blood boil. People can become very selfish. It happened with my wife. She was the best mum in the world until she suddenly started being on her phone all the time. Turned out to be an emotionally affair with her boss and she turned into a complete stranger to me.

I hope it's not the same for you, I really do but seriously - you need to sort this out because i'm seeing great big red flags here.
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Old 7th November 2014, 12:46 AM   #6
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Out with a good friend of hers, female. Cinema a lot together. I've had quite a few paranoid thoughts about them, particularly as her friend is bi, but I really don't think anything is happening like that.
She social networks with loads of different people, but messages a few a lot from what I can tell.
She doesn't worry about leaving the room whilst logged into all these social networks, so I don't think anything is being hidden.
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Old 7th November 2014, 09:09 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Seems like she is making no effort in the marriage at all. You are in a marriage that needs work on it but that takes two.

Have you managed to raise your concerns at where your marriage is at with her? Not to point the finger just at her but just about your marriage relationship which is both of you. The marriage relationship is like a seperate identity really and keeping it healthy will have big benefits. She seems to have given up in some ways so one of you must raise the problem of your marriage. It is worth tentavely raising the issue with her, how you seem to have drifted apart and how can we fix it together. Sometimes you have to fight for your marriage and working on it, even good marriage counseling, will produce benefits if you both want it.
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Old 7th November 2014, 11:25 PM   #8
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

She could be having similar conversations about our marriage with someone, I don't know.

Struggling to think of a way to begin talking about it. And finding a time to do it. She's out again tonight. Might have to be Sunday night. Just not sure if I can pluck up the courage to do it.

I think all I want to say initially is that in our current state, things are not getting better, and we're going down a path that's leading to a bad outcome. And that I think, at the very least for the well being of our children, if we believe it's possible to get back to a loving, nice, family life, we should agree to try that. I honestly think separation would badly impact our children, and the thought of that is horrible.
And I'd ask her if she wants to try to sort things out, or if not, then tell me honestly if she wants something else.

If that's a starting point she could agree with, I'd feel much more positive.

I really don't want to get into a conversation/argument about who's doing or not doing what. If it goes well, maybe then we start talking about ideas of what to actually do...maybe that involves counselling.

Just the thought starting the conversation makes me shake though.....
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Old 7th November 2014, 11:54 PM   #9
ronnoco
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

I think that sounds perfect. Separations are awful for all concerned, especially the children. I'll never forget my daughters face when my wife told her I was moving out - worst day ever.

It only needs to happen if there really is no hope....

I know your scared but something needs to be done. Her being out like she isn't right, you need to get to the bottom of this.
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Old 8th November 2014, 06:28 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mjker View Post
She could be having similar conversations about our marriage with someone, I don't know.

Struggling to think of a way to begin talking about it. And finding a time to do it. She's out again tonight. Might have to be Sunday night. Just not sure if I can pluck up the courage to do it.

I think all I want to say initially is that in our current state, things are not getting better, and we're going down a path that's leading to a bad outcome. And that I think, at the very least for the well being of our children, if we believe it's possible to get back to a loving, nice, family life, we should agree to try that. I honestly think separation would badly impact our children, and the thought of that is horrible.
And I'd ask her if she wants to try to sort things out, or if not, then tell me honestly if she wants something else.

If that's a starting point she could agree with, I'd feel much more positive.

I really don't want to get into a conversation/argument about who's doing or not doing what. If it goes well, maybe then we start talking about ideas of what to actually do...maybe that involves counselling.

Just the thought starting the conversation makes me shake though.....
How about you write all this down and give it to her to read? Tell her of your fears for the marriage and open your heart.
Are you sure that she is with her female friend? How can you know who she is with and where they go? A married lady being out so much without her husband is a really bad idea and pretty selfish as well.
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Old 8th November 2014, 09:06 AM   #11
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

I'm fairly sure she's going where she says she is.
She goes running with a running club. There's a big social aspect to it. She seems to want to do as much as she can with them.
She does a run every Saturday morning. She's out now. After that she's going to join her friend on another run, then take her friend to an airport, 6 hours there and back...
Seems like one thing after another.

Can't remember the last time we did something as a family, that didn't involve a mobile phone and Facebook/twitter.
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Old 8th November 2014, 10:22 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

SO basically she lives as single woman, does what she likes, and you are left at home being the house husband and father.

Please write that letter and make sure you tell her how very unhappy you are, and how you fear for the marriage if nothing changes.
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Old 8th November 2014, 11:12 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

One thing is clear mjker it has to be brought up. She will know herself her marriage isn't exactly thriving. Whether you talk to her or write it down is up to you. You are drifting apart and it has to be faced. We know you see it. Steer clear of the blame game as that just puts defences up. What we are talking about is steering the marriage away from where it is heading little by little. If she sees that as well that will be good.

No doubt things will be compounded by both your personal faults etc. but that is normal. We will always be imperfect but if we are trying progress can be made. Successful marriages are made not because of perfect people but because of love on purpose. Yes the feelings will come as well which is great, but the ingredient of comittment and love on purpose is essential in these days. It really is in both your control provided she is being faithful of course. You have to try by pusing that button as I am sure you realise by now. Take courage and face up to it.
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Old 12th November 2014, 11:41 PM   #14
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Still haven't done anything yet.
I don't think I can do it face to face. I've drafted a letter electronically. I can't send it electronically, too cold, but even the thought of writing that down seems quite surreal.

I'm thinking I'll leave the letter hidden, and send her a text at a point where I know she's by herself at home, asking her to read it.

It ends like this:
Quote:
I really believe we can have what we want. I think a positive desire to do something about this would be a first step in the right direction. I don't know how we do it. I don't know if we need help doing it. Scarily, I don't know if you want that.
All I want to know now, I suppose, is if you want to try as hard as we can to try do something about it?
When I come home tonight, perhaps you'll be out for dinner with the kids, and I'll understand what that means. When I come home tonight, I hope you just give me a hug me though.

I love you, and the children, and I want us all to be happy together.
I'd appreciate any comments.

Thanks for the help so far.
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Old 13th November 2014, 02:29 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

That's a good starter mjker. Hopefully it will start conversation on the subject. As you say she might be talking to someone else about the problem.

Once you have communicated that you both have a marriage problem, work can be done towards improving the marriage. It may not be easy but both working together will be better than sweeping it under the carpet.

I know it is difficult, but personally I think it is better not to play the impoverished husband and she the one who has to give out. She will have problems as well as you and you can both make it work and get to the place where you both agree what needs to be done. I wouldn't try and ground her all in one go it just needs a balance I think which will come out of a better relationship. Nothing can be forced. Every step will need to be worked out by freewill agreement or it will be worth nothing.
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