Separation

Maybe, I don't know she works from home and I'm in and out all day with my work
Where there is a will there is a way I know
I'm so tempted to start trying to look through her phone etc but I feel stupid enough with out turning into some controlling monster
She asked me to share a glass of wind tonight, we had a normal chat that was killing me on one hand but nice on another, then she went all quite said she wanted to go to bed and now I'm in the spare room wondering if I've said something wrong
Don't know how much more I can take of this

Just had a read through.

One piece of advice, which I think you already know - don't start reading through phone message etc etc. Trust me, it's far too easy to mis-interpret things and make yourself more upset.
Don't go down that route

It appears what she has said to you is fairly final, and yet, at the same time, she's not moved out yet, etc, sharing wine. I'm wondering if she's attempting to make herself feel less bad about the situation?

Sounds like you're in a kind of limbo situation, as you're not completely sure what's happening. I think the only way to find out is to find a time where you have a few hours, sit down, tell her you want to talk, and ask those difficult questions that could have answers you fear most.

At the same time, I understand the desire to not talk about it, and hope that things will get better.

Others I'm sure will give better advice than I can (see my first ever post 20 mins ago!). EDIT: Just seen you're reply, cheers

[ronnoco]

Hi Devitt,

Tough situation. Understand how you must feel with the whole not knowing how things will pan out but my advise to you is don't loose your dignity.

Be strong around her...no begging. She is the one in the wrong as it is never acceptable to step outside of the marriage the way she has done.

This may not all be relevant but some of these suggestions on this list may help : -

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forum...d.php?p=256158

I would advise that for now, focus on number one. Get a new haircut (if you have hair!) treat yourself to some new clothes, perhaps take up a hobby or even sit there on the couch reading a book.

Sometimes, in relationships, sadly it becomes like a game. You've got to show her that regardless of what happens, you're going to be alright because the truth is, you will.

You may actually find that she finds this new confident you quite appealing.

All the best.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by Devitt

Thank you and I know
I have stopped begging and I am trying to be polite and friendly
I hoping that she will realise that it's worth at least trying for
I having difficulty with being upset so am just sitting in the bedroom or another room, I don't think it's a great thing for her to see and if I'm honest I'm not the crying type and it's making me annoyed and I feel ashamed

I know the only option I have is to wait and see, but it's not the easiest thing to do

I'm confused as well as she doesn't seem to be communicating with anyone else, I guess she is and is just smarter then me

I really would like to talk about the situation with her but all the advice I can find says not to push it and let her open up

I guess that's the problem with all this is my natural instinct says one thing and it appears it's always wrong

Thanks for listening, it's a great help knowing somebody somewhere is there

Please stop putting yourself down and stop criticising yourself,as with my situation you have done nothing wrong, your feelings are totally natural you are living in a pressure cooker / whirpool of pressure, stress, and sadness, don't stop crying, don't bottle it, let the feelings out, you are going through hell as I am and you must a have a release, just think about the pressure cooker scenario when the pressure gets to maximum the whistle starts to blow and steam comes billowing out, take the whistle off your head and let your steam out in whatever way you can.

Oh well people things have taken a turn for the worse

After a very odd glass of wine and a nightmare in the spare room so I didn't keep her awake from me crying and getting up and back into night we had a chat this morning

I say chat, if one sided conversation counts

After saying she was in rush to move out or finalise things, I was told this morning that she is looking for somewhere else to live with immediate effect

I stayed calm and said I won't pressure or talk about things anymore but seems a rash move as she works from home and her business is here

I don't want to move out, although I did originally say I would to give her space, that was in my begging initial panic

I don't want her to leave and I don't think by staying it means she will stay but no matter how much I'm hurt I love her and don't want to see her self destruct

She is a strong willed person so I'm not saying she won't cope but surely I can't be that much of a nobody that she can't just gather her thought first

I've been of work for a few days with some annual leave and I'm dreading returning to work

I can't go of sick, it's literally not an option in my job

I have had kidney stones which weren't much fun and worked through that even though some of the time I was in hospital

I also got beaten up and had damage to my face and a broken eye socket and took no time off, so when I say I can't I'm not being a drama queen about it

What do I do?

Watch and let my beautiful wife walk away?

She said she always wants to be my friend, I can't bare that, I want her in my life but that feels like no choice at all

I am starting to feel that if I am such a burden i should help her out and make it easy

Maybe that's the last and best gift I can give

Whatever happened to the happy ending, what happened to our marriage being a new chapter not the last

She said she doesn't regret getting married as she needed to find out if it would change things

To be honest she has apologised for contradicting herself, but it's not much help

I try and believe what's said even though I don't want to and everything I accept something it just get put up a notch

Thanks for listening

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Please stop putting yourself down and stop criticising yourself,as with my situation you have done nothing wrong, your feelings are totally natural you are living in a pressure cooker / whirpool of pressure, stress, and sadness, don't stop crying, don't bottle it, let the feelings out, you are going through hell as I am and you must a have a release, just think about the pressure cooker scenario when the pressure gets to maximum the whistle starts to blow and steam comes billowing out, take the whistle off your head and let your steam out in whatever way you can.

Hey just seen your comment under mine for someone else

Whoever you are thank you

It's a strange comfort but a comfort knowing a compete strange can be so kind

I thought by helping someone else I could stop my own pity, there is always someone worse of then you

And if any good can come from my own situation then maybe that's my blessing

[ronnoco]

I'm pretty sure it's all to do with this other man she has met.

http://www.startmarriageright.com/20...rd-your-heart/

Unfortunately, she is probably living in a fantasy land at the moment. It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.

The truth is, if she really wants to leave, she has free will and it's not possible to stop her. I do like the saying "a bird can't fly on a broken wing"

Hopefully life will teach her that the grass isn't greener on the other side - it seldom is.

I read a book that explains that a lot of women reach their sexual prime in their late twenties, early thirties. It can be a common time for problems. Especially after marriage and children. It seems to me that some women want what I like to call the "Disneyland Experience". They get married, find a home, have children and then are left feeling a bit lost....what now? what's next for me? kinda thing.

It's really tough. I have been EXACTLY where you are. My number one goal became getting shared custody of my children and keeping the family home for which I did both....it wasn't easy though.

Getting back into work will probably help keep you occupied.

Good luck and keep posting.

Getting back into work will probably help keep you occupied.

I'd agree with that.
I love getting outside and exercising, seeing the sky, other people going about their business.....makes things seem a little less depressing. Night time /time inside on your own is when things get low for me.

[chosen]

devitt I agree with others that she almost certainly is cheating with the OM either physically or emotionally. Either that she has a crush on him.
I SO hope that he isnt married, and especially that he doesnt have children.
No dont help her in anyway, dont make it easier for her to do this awful thing, but at the same time you cant stop her. If she is going to go then the sooner the better, and no, she cant expect you to suddenly be content to be her friend while she is having an affair and cheating on you. What a cheek for her to even think that was possible.
OF course you love her, thats why you married her, but she married you under false pretences just to test her feelings and see what would happen??? How utterly selfish is that???

If she cant even keep her promises to be faithful and never forsake you after such a short time, she isnt worth hanging onto in my opinion. You need a decent moral lady with integrity who will be a good faithful wife.

Thanks everyone, you been my saviour in all this
The truth is out she is seeing the boy next door, romantic if the timeline was different
At least I know now!
Sadly I live in a village so I'm guessing I'm the last to know
Well anyway she has gone to explain to the new guy I know
I'm not taking any morale high ground, I love her and want her to be happy
I just want some time to find my feet
I hope I can help somebody else not get this far down the line
I look back and think of all the signs i choose to ignore
Me and Jim Morrison are going to have a sing song and tomorrow I'll cry dust myself down think of how lucky I am to have a good job be an ok kinda of guy and well try mend a broken heart
Christmas is going to odd, but maybe I'll go and do a good thing for a charity and do a soup kitchen
I know it sounds like I'm being stupid but I can't do this self pity, it's either down and get stupid or up and proud
Thank you all, you have helped so much, I know what's happening and I'm not broken, you all did that for me x

Well, you know what the truth is now. How did it come out?

I don't think you should be wasting energy on being bitter towards her, but at the same time, I don't think you owe her any favours now. What she's done is show your feelings no respect at all.

Do you both own the house?

Sounds like you're attitude is positive. I'm sure it will fluctuate a bit, but sounds like you're not the type to wallow in the self pity too much. Not too much Jim now I like your idea of getting out there and helping others, great attitude.

Ah was out having a drive and I thought all my suspicions I'm just going to ask
And bingo spot on with all of them, I'd be impressed if I wanted to be right
For me the truth is out now so no guessing and not understanding, I have a known quantity, one I don't like but never the less I am now not in the dark
Couple of drinks not in a sad way, bit music and tomorrow action and forward
No woe is me but it's not the first time I've been left to deal with things on my own and abandoned, maybe I'm to smothering and clingy because security and love is so high on my agenda
Anyway so as I said, what can be good about this, help other people don't be an idiot about it and hold my head up
I refuse to judge and I'll not be judge, anger breads more anger
I'll not be a walk over I promise but I have pride in who I am and where I've got to, I'll take what ever test I need, somewhere along the line it will make sense
Sorry bit of a ramble but for me now it's time to get to grips and focus
I'll fall over I know but I'm ready for that and I'll get back up
All of you people have been so amazing, you will never know
Just telling someone I'll be alright makes me know I will be
In my darkest moment you were my light and you carried me when I needed to be carried
Peace be with you all

Oh sorry the house no, long term lease in my name, I've already said I'm not interested in arguing about money or possessions I'm not being holy then though, but money and things can be replaced
Other then my vinyl ha ha, so as far as all that goes I really I promise don't care

[ronnoco]

Sorry to hear the news but at least you've been put out of your misery and are no longer a lamb to the slaughter. There's nothing worse than not knowing.

You have a good attitude. You will have good times and bad times but you'll be alright - trust me, you will. Like I said, the same thing happened to me and 15 months on i'm a very happy person with 3 beautiful children sleeping upstairs. I've had a holiday to New York with my sister and a went to Majorca with my children.

Life is short and precious and you're definitely right to not be angry and bitter. Long term, you'll be the winner. When I say that, I mean you'll be happier than her because you will become like me, happy within, comfortable within your own skin.

Keep up the positive state of mind. Don't be hard on yourself, you probably just loved the wrong person. Treat yourself and re-discover who you are.

Thank you, I like to think I loved the right person but sadly they didn't
My sister is in Australia, I've never been, ironically I've saved the money to take both of us, well now I'll just go with extra money and I can treat my niece and nephews
I hope she will be happy or all this is a waist
It's honestly great to hear about people like yourself, I'm sure all those months ago you couldn't imagine being where you are now
You have the children as well, and what a role model they have
You might not want it now but I hope you find some one to share your hopes, dreams and love with