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Old 28th October 2014, 12:49 AM   #1
Funkymummy
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Unhappy How do you push past the hurt

I don't know where to start. Dh and I have been married 7 years. Together 8.5. We have 3 children..7, 6,4 yrs. he has a son..23, and a daughter 15.
Over the years sd(stepdaughter) has proved to be more than a handful. Dh did not discipline her her or give any boundaries ever. She lived with her mum and was with us every other weekend. 3 yrs ago her behaviour turned worse and she went the way of running away, drinking and pot smoking. She was regularly suspended from school and eventually expelled. We had sought counselling, doctors, school advice.
Her mother , in 2012, got a job offer in another town 6 hours away. Sd was meant to go wih her . The mum then decided dh can keep her as he was constantly going against what the mothers strict rules were. She lasted 2 months before she started running away again, drinking etc. her attitude at home started affecting our children. Dh decided to drive her to her mums. That lasted a week then the behaviour continued so dh's mum took her in(they live4 hours from us). After a month his mum and dad said they were not up to it as her behaviour and actions caused much distress. Dh sister then took her on. His sister is very strong willed and strict and didn't let sd get away with much, however it was starting to impact too much on herself, her marriage and her kids and after 18 mths seeing not much change she handed her back to dh.
Dh and I spoke about setting rules and boundaries and he said he would step up and discipline and follow through with consequences. In the 3 months she was here she barely made it to school...(she caught the bus there then walked away), she was out drinking and smoking pot of a day and also stayed out every weekend, dh not knowing who with or even where. Not once did he pull her up on it or even acknowledge this behaviour was unacceptable. She lied continuously to myself and spoke very nastily to me. Dh fell deeper into a depression and he is now on medication. He refused still to believe she had anything to do with it. Him and I fought all the time. He started lying then.. Things like giving her money but not telling me, then lying when I asked.
The crunch came when she was gone for 5 nights. Dh could not reach her. She finally phones him crying saying she's in trouble with police. Her and a friend were accused by another friend of pinning her down while she got raped. Do not know to this day what the truth is, charges have been dropped. I sought a lot of advice from family crisis professionals who told me I do have choices and rights and if I choose to kick her out I can do that as our family home is becoming unsafe. So I did that. I told dh she is not welcome here any longer. His reaction at first was that he will move out and go and live with her.he didn't see that it would impact on our own kids.after a few days he realised that that wasn't a good option so instead chose to lease a flat in his name for her and her 18 yr old friend to live in. I really disagree with his choice as it's once again rewarding all her behaviour, like it's ok darling you can treat family like you have and I'll lease a flat for you. There were many other options...the best one being that she live in the youth refuge and they actually teach her independence, work with headspace and other professionals and get her the mental health help she deserves and needed a long time ago.
We can't seem to move past this. He holds resentment towards me for kicking her out despite at he same time of me doing so he said he doesn't want her living with us. He says he loves me but I see nothing. Nothing at all. I tried to disengage from it and move forward doing the things I knew made him felt loved (from 5 love languages) but after a few weeks of trying and getting nothing but blame thrown in my face I gave up. I don't know how to go on, he still lies to me too. I don't know how much I want to be with someone who lies.
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Old 28th October 2014, 10:48 AM   #2
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Re: How do you push past the hurt

Can you say the circumstances of how you and your husband met and of why their marriage ended? She was only 6 when you met wasnt she?

Last edited by chosen; 28th October 2014 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 28th October 2014, 02:04 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: How do you push past the hurt

It seems that she is past discipline now and will have to learn the hard way through the discipline of life.

Obviously as her father he cannot completely desert her but enabling her behaviour will not help her as you say. He has to leave he the door open to a certain extent for when she really needs help and is humble enough to accept it.

I don't see that you have any choice but to refute lies and live in the truth. Lies never helped any situation. All you can do is pray sometimes. God is able to sort this mess if we look to Him.

The best option it would seem is your idea in a youth residence set up where there will be a certain amount of discipline. Leaving her on her own to run a flat as you say will no help her until she becomes responsible.

You marriage is important and certain boundaries will have to be put in place so that your own marriage can prosper and be a help to your children. Only then will you see things more clearly and any help you offered from that secure place must never compromise you marriage. Would that your DH saw these things clearly.
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