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Old 31st May 2014, 04:43 PM   #1
man in need
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I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

I have read with so much interest snowmike's on going request for advice and comments from you all, and you all have so much to give, I thought I would add my situation in the hope of gaining advice and answers, please bare with me, this is a bit long but you then get the situation.

I will try and be as precise and to the point as I can. About two years ago I was on sites which specialised in very mild bdsm and met some submissive women, this leaded to meeting about 3 of them in hotels and playing around a bit. Not sex. My wife was not into it at all,and I never subjected her to it, but a while back she found some dvd's etc and to cut a long story short she knew I was going out occasionally to 'have some fun'. It was just a of fun,a bit of excitement, but no affair, no emotion, but, yes, I betrayed her trust. The marriage was a bit stale, I still love her, and suggested councillors, but she never wanted to go.

She never said anything, she said she thought it would stop, but it didnt, we are talking maybe 2 times every 2 months, she still never said anything. Then she found a USB drive with pictures of me 'with them', holding a paddle..That seemed final straw, said she had fallen out of love, and started divorce proceedings, I saved it, I went to a therapist which helped and I had to sleep on sofa for 6 months, then back in bedroom for 6 months, I was in a state, just wanted to hold the marriage together. She told my parents about divorce before I had chance to, , I made sure I was not around when she changed etc, when I was allowed back in the bedroom I kept my distance. I saved the marriage, I love her loads and did everything I could to do it. I saw her parents , who hated me, and ate humble pie, big time, So slowly but surely we are back on track. It was 18 months in total until a month ago.

She says come on upstairs , you will need a drink. I didn't have a drink, she told she had been having an affair for 2 years, 6 months out of the bedroom and 18 months in it. It was someone I know, she went to as a friend, and showed him the disc, then they carried on having sex and then he started to get very very possessive and nasty, and said if she didn't meet him at the hotel for sex, he would put all our problems on facebook and spread the word, this went on for 6 months, she'says' she was caught up in the rollercoaster she says, too afraid to say to me or anybody. She says he is a nutter, and showed me some of the txt messages he sent. I think he just used her, and kept it going with these threats so he could have sex with her.

That was out of the blue, I did ask her months ago if there was anyone and she said no. I was devasted, as I know him and he is a little weasel. What made her tell me? she says she wanted out (and txt messages do support that), and he would not let her go, she was on anti depressants, so felt it had got to this.

I am still in a daze, she told me a bit matter of factly, no real emotion. I had gone through one year of sleeping on sofa, pouring out my heart, being respectful and not seeing any of her body when she changed, we were working on building the marriage, I was now sleeping in same bed, no intimate contact at all, holding a hand, I got to holding her arm etc, but stayed away from any sexual part until SHE was ready, we are due to go away in two weeks, and I said were we ever going back to some form of sexual contact, not sex....? she said she thought maybe on holiday, I said if we were making a go of it why wait until a holiday came ....little did I know she was getting it elsewhere.

Now the whole point of this. I love her to bits, truly, I made mistakes, yes, but it was not an affair with emotion, it was to satisfy a kink for want of another word. It was satisfied and after the therapy I am at peace with it, But I am deeply hurt, I went through hell in that year, and she was having an affair for almost 2 years. We have talked and a few tears, and she is remorseful and said biggest mistake of her life and just didn't have the 'balls' to tell me to end it or get out of it, because he was so threatening. In view of the fact of what she says he is like, I could have found him and had it out with him, but she just wanted him out, so I rang him, was very civil and told him it has now stopped, he has had his fun, now its over, no contact with her in any shape or form, and he has accepted it.

As I said I am so hurt by it, that I had been put through hell , and she had been doing it for 2 years. She told her parents, and they were not happy but pleased we are going forward with honesty. HONESTY, she denied the affair and carried on for two years, citing me in the divorce as unreasonable behaviour on my part. (the irony just shouts out)...okay, I understand she had no one to talk to and a friend was there, but onto the bedroom, and at the beginning, lets face it, it would have been passionate or with feeling, an emotional affair,

This is some of the problems I have, he is still on facebook and posts stuff to all, like songs that say how he is feeling, knowing she will see them, we look together, maybe that will die, she does not contact him, I believe that. But I am having real problems thinking of her with him. Since starting this post we have been away, and been intimate, but all the time I was thinking of her doing things with him and he doing things with her. and it hurts so much. last night she had a bath and I just got so emotional as I thought of me on the sofa, she comes in and goes upstairs to have a bath and wash him off her!!! I still think of things she said in the last year and they take on different meanings now I know she said them whilst sleeping with him.

What do i do, how can I get over this anger that I was 'played' she admits what she did was wrong, very wrong, at least she shows remorse, but even her parents think, ah well!!! good you making a go of it. I feel like she needs to do her 'time' for a year, like I did, she said she would sleep on the sofa, but I want to be close with her and hold her.

I long for some advice from someone with experience, how do i get past this. She says time will heal things, as she still has images of me with those women, but it fades. But to know I am on the couch and she comes in after having sex with him and goes upstairs, kills me when I think about it. Her time starting divorce proceedings when she was having sex with another.
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Old 31st May 2014, 06:39 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

It seems to me that she was unfaithful because you were. In a sense you ought to remember that the opening came through the tape you had done of your unfaithfulness. I think you are playing that down where it shouldn't be. Sex is sex no matter what happens and you were unfaithful. That you repented of it was commendable.

You are angry at her affair and some of that was just blackmail presumably with regard to the tapes you had made. She got stuck and trapped.

The way forward is to learn the lesson that unfaithfulness is poisonous to a marriage. You have both repented presumably and if so now is the time for forgiveness and to hopefully try and forget. The trust was broken and this will take a long time to restore. Another big problem is your anger and also it seems your desire to punish her. That will kill any progress dead in it's tracks. If she is sorry you need to really try and forgive her. Remember that you partly created the opening for her to be unfaithful.

One can only hope that you have both learned important lessons here and that forgiveness and a desire to stay faithful from now on will rule.
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Old 31st May 2014, 08:49 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

I agree with Raymond. You have BOTH acted very badly and have both been unfaithful(even if you stopped short of actual sex its still a terrible betrayal.) It may be possible for you to carry on and forgive and make a go of this marriage if you are both repentant and never ever have any sexual contact with anyone else again. The lies and deception must stop, and you probably need some good boundaries for any future contact with the opposite sex.

As for the other mans facebook account, she needs to unfriend him. Problem solved. If she wont then what does that say about her commitment to you and the marriage ?
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Old 2nd June 2014, 12:57 PM   #4
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I agree with Raymond. You have BOTH acted very badly and have both been unfaithful(even if you stopped short of actual sex its still a terrible betrayal.) It may be possible for you to carry on and forgive and make a go of this marriage if you are both repentant and never ever have any sexual contact with anyone else again. The lies and deception must stop, and you probably need some good boundaries for any future contact with the opposite sex.

As for the other mans facebook account, she needs to unfriend him. Problem solved. If she wont then what does that say about her commitment to you and the marriage ?

Appreciate your comments, really I do, I don't say what I did was right, of course, but she suspected me but never said anything as that time she did not care enough, so for solice she fell into the arms of the other guy. If I had suspected her then I would have stopped it dead in its tracks., The part that haunts me is I went through a year of repentance, 6 months on the sofa and 6 months back in the bedroom, and she said some hurtful things to me yet was sleeping with someone else as she was having a go at me, that is what was difficult to take, saying she wanted to make a go of it, but must stay away from her , yet she was sleeping with another. Double strandards. Re the facebook, she cannot take him off as we have to see what he is putting up and he was a bit unstable and may announce it to the world, he is still putting up songs about missing someone terribly, all aimed at her. so we have to keep a check on him, I am in favour of that. I think my problem comes from loving her so much, so thinking of her with someone else hurts so much and is hard to get out my head, yet she was not in the same place , we are working on it, but its like nothing has happened really, yet I endured a horrific year
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Old 2nd June 2014, 05:58 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

Yes she did lie to you MN but I wonder how much of that was his blackmail and the threat to publish the tape. If you are going to forgive you need to know what you are forgiving as it is somehow connected to your unfaithfulness. For the marriage's sake she would need to repent of her behaviour as you have of yours. She has mitigating circumstances in the sense that you were unfaithful first which it seems was connected to her straying. This makes it complicated. Blaming each other will not help at this point but an honest confession of the truth will.

The aim is an acknowledgment to you of wrongdoing. Once confession of the truth, as she sees it, is reached then forgiveness can take place and then a gradual rebuilding of the trust which will need to be worked at.

On reading through your opening post again I see that she has repented and admitted that she was terribly wrong. That being the case your forgiveness is needed I think. Any revenge you harbour will be very detrimental to your marriage. You have a chance here to put everything right and deal with the playbacks you are getting as she does as well.

Last edited by Raymond; 3rd June 2014 at 08:34 AM.
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Old 2nd June 2014, 06:44 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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Originally Posted by man in need View Post
Appreciate your comments, really I do, I don't say what I did was right, of course, but she suspected me but never said anything as that time she did not care enough, so for solice she fell into the arms of the other guy. If I had suspected her then I would have stopped it dead in its tracks., The part that haunts me is I went through a year of repentance, 6 months on the sofa and 6 months back in the bedroom, and she said some hurtful things to me yet was sleeping with someone else as she was having a go at me, that is what was difficult to take, saying she wanted to make a go of it, but must stay away from her , yet she was sleeping with another. Double strandards. Re the facebook, she cannot take him off as we have to see what he is putting up and he was a bit unstable and may announce it to the world, he is still putting up songs about missing someone terribly, all aimed at her. so we have to keep a check on him, I am in favour of that. I think my problem comes from loving her so much, so thinking of her with someone else hurts so much and is hard to get out my head, yet she was not in the same place , we are working on it, but its like nothing has happened really, yet I endured a horrific year
yes I can fully understand why you are upset that she lied and deceived you for all that time while making you feel bad. Has she fully appologised for doing that as well as the affair itself? If she has, then maybe some marriage counselling may help to get you both back on track.

You really dont need to read that mans posts on facebook. Its nothing to do with you both now and there is nothing you can do to stop him anyway.
Unfriend him, make sure she has cut off all contact, and move forward.
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Old 3rd June 2014, 04:27 PM   #7
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

you are both right in what you say , I love her so so much and want to make a go of it, she is not a great person with words, so while I was pouring my heart out last year to her, now the boot is on the other foot, maybe I expect a pouring out of emotion. We had another frank discussion last night. I wanted some answers, why I was back in bed on the second 6 months, I kept asking are we progressing, are we moving forward, and she said yes, but still kept away from any intimacy, she had been saying that she didn't know why she couldn't get close, which I did not believe, I brought this up and she finally admitted that she could not be intimate as she was sleeping with him......so while I was trying to save the marriage, she actually was not really trying at all..as in this rebuilding period, she was still in another guys bed!!! THAT is difficult to take. In all of this she was not actually doing anything to try and save the marriage apart from not divorcing me.

You have all had a lot of experience talking with many others in varying situations. How do I get the thought of him touching my wife and sleeping with her out my head!!!, it is driving me insane, I just get flashes of pictures and video of them doing all sorts of things.! is there anything I can do??
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Old 3rd June 2014, 04:30 PM   #8
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

I know what you say about facebook, but we just need to see if he says anything, it is all messages knowing she can still see them.missing you, need a friend etc, cant get over losing you songs etc. and this guy is married, does not anyone tell his wife? surely she would ask...so who you missing? not an ideal scenario but unfortunately I do agree we need to see what he says. I hope it will die down soon. But at the time of seeing her, he was saying...if I cant have you no one will, if u leave me I will do something etc. so needs must.
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Old 3rd June 2014, 06:05 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

Doesn't help your playback though being reminded of it all the time. I think you need to learn how to stop yourself when you become conscious of it. If you truly have forgiven her and wiped the slate clean it should get a lot easier. Part of forgiveness is forgetting on purpose. Holding it over her will not help your marriage. Sounds unfair but we all make mistakes and will need forgiveness in order to restore relationship. Marriages are often broken beyond repair through adultery but if you both want to mend it it can be done through repentance first then forgiveness and forgetting. Nobody said it was easy.

I don't think you should work out her reactions according to what you would do. Everybody is different and react in different ways. She will be different to you as opposites attract. When the marriage is thriving you will find that you compliment each other. One of the secrets of marriage is loving how the other needs to be loved. We all have different love languages.
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Old 3rd June 2014, 09:27 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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Originally Posted by man in need View Post
I know what you say about facebook, but we just need to see if he says anything, it is all messages knowing she can still see them.missing you, need a friend etc, cant get over losing you songs etc. and this guy is married, does not anyone tell his wife? surely she would ask...so who you missing? not an ideal scenario but unfortunately I do agree we need to see what he says. I hope it will die down soon. But at the time of seeing her, he was saying...if I cant have you no one will, if u leave me I will do something etc. so needs must.
Well I dont agree. You need to leave him and his wife to themselves and cut off all contact.I do feel terrible for his poor wife and hope that she will find out what a terrible man she is married to. Part of your wifes repentance is cutting off all contact with the OM and she hasnt done that yet.
Unfortunately the pain you are suffering is a consequence of adultery.Its a terrible betrayal and for many its just too much to get over and they end the marriage. If you stay you will need to accept that there will be years of pain and of trying to rebuild the trust that has been devastated. It will be a hard long road.
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Old 4th June 2014, 09:09 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

I think it can be done and I know other couples who have gone through this and now are very happy. I wouldn't necessarily predict years of pain. The couples I know had to work through it, but there was joy as well. If the repentance and forgiveness is in place and also the loving on purpose I wouldn't personally place any predictions on the time it would take.
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Old 4th June 2014, 11:29 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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I think it can be done and I know other couples who have gone through this and now are very happy. I wouldn't necessarily predict years of pain. The couples I know had to work through it, but there was joy as well. If the repentance and forgiveness is in place and also the loving on purpose I wouldn't personally place any predictions on the time it would take.
Just what I have seen in marriages were I know it has happened.
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Old 4th June 2014, 01:48 PM   #13
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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Originally Posted by man in need View Post

You have all had a lot of experience talking with many others in varying situations. How do I get the thought of him touching my wife and sleeping with her out my head!!!, it is driving me insane, I just get flashes of pictures and video of them doing all sorts of things.! is there anything I can do??
Hello MIN,

Try buying a bracelet or a new ring and every time a thought pops into your head, say to yourself "no, i'm not going to let this bother me!" and touch the item of jewelry.

To start, you might do it many many many times a day, but after a while, you should see the number of times you touch it drop.

This method might help as you will be doing something to focus on when these thoughts come into your head which in time will reduce and hopefully stop them. Also, it will actually train yourself to stop letting it bother you.

With regards to Facebook, it's simple, either de-friend or come of Facebook, that's so obvious. You can't possibly have this person in your life in any shape or form. It doesn't matter what he is posting.

Also, this whole almost seeking revenge stuff on your wife will not help you in the slightest. Stop being angry. What you did in the first instance was terrible. You must forgive and forget. Being bitter and angry is not forgiving - if you can't get past this, it's not going to work.

All the best.
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Old 4th June 2014, 07:46 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

I agree...............
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Old 4th June 2014, 07:57 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Hello MIN,

Try buying a bracelet or a new ring and every time a thought pops into your head, say to yourself "no, i'm not going to let this bother me!" and touch the item of jewelry.

To start, you might do it many many many times a day, but after a while, you should see the number of times you touch it drop.

This method might help as you will be doing something to focus on when these thoughts come into your head which in time will reduce and hopefully stop them. Also, it will actually train yourself to stop letting it bother you.

With regards to Facebook, it's simple, either de-friend or come of Facebook, that's so obvious. You can't possibly have this person in your life in any shape or form. It doesn't matter what he is posting.

Also, this whole almost seeking revenge stuff on your wife will not help you in the slightest. Stop being angry. What you did in the first instance was terrible. You must forgive and forget. Being bitter and angry is not forgiving - if you can't get past this, it's not going to work.

All the best.
You cant forget. Forgiveness is forgiving when you can remember all too well. Its forgiving even thought you are in great pain. Denying the pain and what has happened isnt helpful.
Counseling to help with the pain and betrayal may well help you.
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