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10th March 2014, 07:49 PM
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#16
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
I get a bad feeling about this. Might be off topic but the highest sexual abuse of children comes from stepfathers. Not saying that that is happening but you need to set the tone that there are no secrets from you Cabbage. Just a precaution. He is getting in quite fast with his smacking. With his criminal past one doesn't feel happy about it.
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10th March 2014, 10:29 PM
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#17
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I get a bad feeling about this. Might be off topic but the highest sexual abuse of children comes from stepfathers. Not saying that that is happening but you need to set the tone that there are no secrets from you Cabbage. Just a precaution. He is getting in quite fast with his smacking. With his criminal past one doesn't feel happy about it.
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Raymond I don't think we can make that connection between being violent and sexual abuse, most sexual abusers aren't violent, but manipulative and controlling, and many who abuse children are the blood family such as uncles, fathers, grandfathers, brothers, cousins etc, as well as non family members such as step dads, family friends, teachers, coaches etc.
Anwered by Raymond
Nevertheless there is no harm in being safe. i.e. that the children understand that there are no secrets and that they have the safeguard of being allowed to talk to their Dad. It does no harm to put that in place.
Last edited by Raymond; 11th March 2014 at 10:07 AM.
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11th March 2014, 01:29 AM
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#18
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
Hi, i have give her a sort of ultimatum tonight. basically i have said i don't want him around the kids. either he packs his bags or i move back in with the kids. I am seeking advice from my solicitor this week. She hasn't even responded properly yet to explain how she intends to sort this situation. i think she is trying to push it under the carpet? She hasn't even said that she has spoken to him to tel him to stop the smacking! I don't know whats going on in her mind and i am still really upset about it. The thought of him smacking by beautiful 3 year old boy!!! How can any normal person smack someone else's child???
I saw my oldest today and i even had to be in the same room as him! I honestly don't know how I stopped myself from ripping his he@d off!
I think they have both crossed the line here and I think it needs nipping in the bud now. He has used all of his nine lives! I am not willing to give the benefit of the doubt here, not when it comes down to the welfare of my kids!
I am just hoping she manages to see sense?
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11th March 2014, 10:04 AM
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#19
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
You still have a father's right over those children Cabbage and you obviously have their welfare at heart. To have a boyfriend coming in and smacking one's children is a bit much I think. You have to do all you can to make sure things are above board.
I think Ronnoco's post makes sense in this situation.
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11th March 2014, 10:37 AM
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#20
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
Raymond I don't think we can make that connection between being violent and sexual abuse, most sexual abusers aren't violent, but manipulative and controlling, and many who abuse children are the blood family such as uncles, fathers, grandfathers, brothers, cousins etc, as well as non family members such as step dads, family friends, teachers, coaches etc.
Anwered by Raymond
Nevertheless there is no harm in being safe. i.e. that the children understand that there are no secrets and that they have the safeguard of being allowed to talk to their Dad. It does no harm to put that in place.
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I agree. Its a good idea at any time.
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11th March 2014, 10:39 AM
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#21
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbage
Hi, i have give her a sort of ultimatum tonight. basically i have said i don't want him around the kids. either he packs his bags or i move back in with the kids. I am seeking advice from my solicitor this week. She hasn't even responded properly yet to explain how she intends to sort this situation. i think she is trying to push it under the carpet? She hasn't even said that she has spoken to him to tel him to stop the smacking! I don't know whats going on in her mind and i am still really upset about it. The thought of him smacking by beautiful 3 year old boy!!! How can any normal person smack someone else's child???
I saw my oldest today and i even had to be in the same room as him! I honestly don't know how I stopped myself from ripping his he@d off!
I think they have both crossed the line here and I think it needs nipping in the bud now. He has used all of his nine lives! I am not willing to give the benefit of the doubt here, not when it comes down to the welfare of my kids!
I am just hoping she manages to see sense?
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I think you need to ask her outright what decision she has made and what she intends to do. Otherwise she will just carry on delaying it.
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11th March 2014, 02:01 PM
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#22
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
One thing is certain you cannot just hand the kids over to her as there is an opening there for anyone to be over your children. This is the lesson you are learning. Maybe the thing is to get your house back by moving in and being around as suggested by Ronnoco?
The problem is that if you are divorcing she would see it as her right to go with who she pleases. Therefore safeguards for the children are of paramount importance. You need to know what is going on and keep your power of fatherhood over them in order to look out for them.
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11th March 2014, 05:00 PM
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#23
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
You need to do everything above board and legal. She will trip up soon, or better still volunteer the children to you as their primary carer. For whatever reason she seems to have her lost herself and is on the road to self destruct, but stop trying to find answers about this. Just accept the situation and find a solution to the problem. Let's hope she actually wants to give the kids up and go off with him somewhere. Win win for you.
Don't back down. Tell her you are not going to accept another man smacking your children and that if he doesn't go, you're moving back in, end of story. Give her a deadline. You need to be firm. Tell her that you have kept a precise diary of all of the events of the past 6 months and if necessary you will take her to court for custody if things don't change immediately.
You need to outsmart her. If you were to go round there and get physical with him, you loose everything. Don't do that, you're better than that and your children need a rock solid dad. Rock solid comes from your state of mind and well-being, not through anything physical.
You'll get this mess sorted soon, just keep your cool and carry on as you are. Document everything.
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12th March 2014, 11:15 AM
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#24
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
I know i have got to keep my cool. How can I move back in if she has changed the locks?
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12th March 2014, 11:23 AM
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#25
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
I spoke to my solicitor yesterday. She recommends contacting social services. She doesn't think he should be around my children, but she did say it all comes down to if you trust her? She said its my decision!
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12th March 2014, 12:38 PM
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#26
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
You know you can't trust her because of her actions over the past 6 months. She is someone who lacks integrity, family values, morals and pride. She is also weak and gullible and most probably easily manipulated.
I would simply turn up with your bags and a friend. Knock on the door and say "I'm moving back" - if you get resistance that you can't deal with or she slams the door in your face, call the Police and just explain the situation to them. She has caused you no end of grief, life isn't going to be so rosy for her now.
If he bf causes any trouble, don't retaliate. Your friend will be witness should he assault you.
I'm not an expert but it's your home. I can't really see how you can't have access. The number one priority is keeping this guy away from your kids. Moving back will pretty much stop that.
Hopefully your wife will think of herself, pack her bags and head of with him. If she takes the kids though, that's a big problem and you do need to consider that as if she was to take them to his house, things would most probably be worse for them.
Perhaps just ask for custody and let her keep the house? - that can be sorted in due course. It sounds like she wants to do her own thing and doesn't really want them anyway. She may welcome this.
It's a tough one....
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12th March 2014, 03:43 PM
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#27
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbage
I spoke to my solicitor yesterday. She recommends contacting social services. She doesn't think he should be around my children, but she did say it all comes down to if you trust her? She said its my decision!
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I would ask her what she is going to do about it before you contact SS. She may have already decided to ask him to leave for all you know, and you may just make things so much worse. Say that you want a decision now, and that depending on what she has decided, you may have to take it further.
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12th March 2014, 05:25 PM
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#28
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
Hi all, and thanks for all your guidance, suggestions and thoughts. I have text her again and asked what she intends to do about it all. I have said that I am still not happy to allow him to be around my kids. She seems to be now stopping me from seeing the kids as according to her; "I am a using them as a weapon"!
I then got another text out of the blue saying would I like to have them this Thursday? but I would need to drop my 3 year old son off with the bf on Friday morning. I just couldn't do that!
I said that I could move back in whenever i wish. She said I could sleep on the sofa but her, the kids and bf would all move out!
I had a suggestion from a friend to talk to my 5 year olds teacher in school. So I have spoken to her teacher and explained the situation and the recent smacking incident. Her teacher has not noticed any negative changes in her behaviour and said she would report to me and to the child protection teachers if she did notice any changes or if anything needed reporting.
I have asked her to have a serious talk with the bf. I have asked her to ask the bf if he would be willing to disclose his criminal convictions to me? I have asked her what his response was to all of this?
But for now I am being patient, time will tel but I just don't think she is taking it seriously, always turning it back on me! I seem to be constantly reminding her its for the welfare of the kids, not becuase I hate her...
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12th March 2014, 05:34 PM
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#29
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
It's getting a bit stressfull so I have taken up boxercise!
I can't tel you who's picture is on the punch bag!
Last edited by cabbage; 12th March 2014 at 05:38 PM.
Reason: update
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12th March 2014, 09:18 PM
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#30
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry
We know who's picture is on the punchbag Cabbage but you need to think logically as well as Ronnoco has pointed out.
I can't believe she is still with him after reading your previous thread. Some of that could be character references as they are dated before this trouble with the children. If this goes legal you need to be prepared and make notes as Ronnoco points out.
At some point you need to go for access. You have enough evidence to make a good case. In hindsight it was wrong to leave the house and leave the children with her and now him, but you have to go forward from where you are now.
My wife and I have prayed and are looking forward to solutions to this debacle.
My thoughts are if she won't see sense then you will need to act independently of her for the children's sake.
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