I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by Raymond

I know you do get impatient every so often ukguy. Things are happening. They always do with relationships. I know that can be negative or positive but I think you are in a positive strain at the moment. Try and enter into the playfighting when it happens. As you get closer and trust each other more she will be able to open up about it in a more intimate way.

Thanks Raymond. I talk loosely with one of the guys at work who is recently going through a divorce after his wife had ended their marriage without a defined reason. He is very bitter about things and is quite cold, and says he wouldn't get back with her but sometimes I get the feeling its all talk and he really would by things that he says.
He doesn't know the full extent of things you guys do in relation to my situation and my controlling past, only the basic details and also that I'm going out with my wife and seeing what happens etc. He asked my the other day had I kissed her yet and I said no - not sure if 6 weeks in to it I should be making that progress by his standards. His reply was basically she is playing me and I should give her until Christmas and move on if nothing happens. Even though things are improving slowing for me it hurt in a way and its stuck in my mind. In fact when we were together on Friday and she said did I want to stay and get a takeaway I declined and made my excuses and left. It really rattled me and has got me thinking is he right??

Yesterday we all went to a family party for my nephew and she even was messing round with me play fighting then, of course I responded. We went to the shops after, same thing happens. We got back to hers and I dropped them off as I was going out. Were meeting up today also and I might suggest another night out for the two of us but now in the back of my mind I got "she is playing you" and I really don't know what to think

[chosen]

Its very hard to know if she is or not. Only she knows. She does seem to like the status quo, but whether she is really interested in actually getting back together or not is hard to say. It was only after you gave her that letter and got more firm with her that she agreed to see you sometimes alone, up till that time she didnt seem to want more than friendship.
I honestly think that you need to make sure you do things just the two of you and not just family stuff. You can see the children on your own unless you get back together. I also think you need to talk about where you are and what her thoughts are, because otherwise I can see this drifting along for another 6 months or more. I am pretty sure that she knows what she wants, most women would, especially after 18 months, so it depends on how long you want this all to go on for before you actually make serious efforts together to reconcile, as in making real plans to live together again. I do find it weird that you cant even talk together seriously about all this and be honest and open about where you are. At the very least you would benefit from some marriage counseling.

[Raymond]

I have mixed feelings on this. What is certain is that you must do one or the other.

Personally I think you are mending broken fences from the past and are doing well at it. You are finding your way back from a seperation. Things are melting and you are going out together, just the two of you. I don't know if by putting a time on it would upset what is being achieved. I think you can put a time on it yourself but I don't think telling her a time would help, as it may put a wrong pressure on her which wouldn't help things develop naturally. I think you also have to consider that you do tend to be impatient now and again.

To say she is playing you around is a negative statement from someone who doesn't know the full picture. What if you received that as the truth and it wasn't the truth?

If it is the trust that was broken because of the control then by it's nature it would take time to mend. It is the part that can be broken the quickest but takes the longest to mend.

Anyway that is my two penny worth but as always the decision lies with you.

[UkGuy]

The thing my work collegue said has still been getting to me lately so I talked to my wife as she seemed a little off the last couple of days and I thought maybe its "us" which is causing it. She basically said that she is feeling really down at the moment and can't cope with her daily routine e.g. work, study and everything in general including being a good mother. She used to get like this around the winter months when we were together.

I probed a bit further about us and she said she does like doing things together etc, still wants to carry on doing what we are doing but she feels that getting past how i changed will take time. She thinks that maybe if we did get back together right now I would revert back to how I was within 6 months. She did admit see can see a different me but she needs time to get over the past e.g. the old me.

She still mentioned about my questioning was maybe a way of wanting to be with someone else and I basically told her it wasn't, it was to make sure I'm not wasting my time. She said ok but she thought I was trying to pressure her. She basically feels like when I say things like i'll move on etc its all pressure / black mail and it makes her think of how I used to be. I told her that wasn't the case and basically told her in the nicest way possible this is my last chance to try and make it work with her as I will be not waiting again and I will move on for good. I said if this doesn't work out I will never get back with her for me to be able to move on and stop my mind from going crazy. She was totally shocked and taken back.

Least I know I'm not wasting my time and were going out, in-fact we have had some really nice days out recently and were out this week together and also next week.

I guess this is going to be a long road but I would never forgive myself if I didn't try my best to prove I am a different guy now.

[chosen]

So really little has changed from when you first came here several months ago, with her telling you that she thinks you will change back and not to pressure her. Well I dont think that 20 months or whatever it is now can in anyway being called pressuring her. I can honestly see this going on for another year with nothing changing and with her still refusing to get back together. I still think she may be just keeping you happy so that you dont make those changes that you told her about, and begin to move on. If she is that worried about you moving on or meeting someone else then she needs to do be more committed to getting back together, and at the l very least have marriage counseling.
She is expecting far too much. You are not perfect and you will never be, but apart from the occasional evening out together what has she done to show any willingness to change herself? She only agreed to that because you gave her a sort of ultimatum. I think you may well be in this limbo situation indefinitely until you set some sort of time limit. Honestly as a woman myself I feel that probably she knows one way or another if she will ever come back, but may not be willing to tell you for fear of loosing having a husband when it suits her.

[UkGuy]

I think that a lot has changed since I first come on here. We are talking more and our communication eg worries/issues are being talked about unlike before. We are going out together and as a family. We seem to be more at ease in each other's company, more flirting etc. I do think it's a lot different to how's it was since I first came on this site. Maybe it's hard for me to explain things as I'm not that good at it.

The key to this imo is her getting over the past and believing that I won't revert back to the old controlling me. She asked me a question,although the context of it doesn't apply to our past. She asked, would you jump back in to a relationship with someone you were with who was beating you for the last 10 years because he told you he has changed? I get what she was saying even though I never put a hand on her but it's her way of explaining what the controlling was like and I do believe its a time thing for her.

I never listened to her in the past and always done the wrong thing so I think for now I get to listen, sympathise and see what happens. I have come this far so surley throwing back in her face now won't be the right thing to do and prove she was right all along...

[chosen]

Hmm her comparison is rediculous. She has no idea what it is to be abused. You were going out as a family before, but its the two of you who need to go out alone and discuss her intentions and if she has any intention of coming back ever, she will surely agree to marriage counseling. Its been a long long time now, at the least you should expect some sort of commitment to working on the marriage.
Be very careful because I am concerned that she will use that 'controlling' accusation to control YOU, and you may end up having to walk on eggshells for the rest of you life for fear she will leave again.

[Raymond]

I see a lot of progress has been made in the relationship personally. Things are happening even though it is taking time. She has lost some trust from how it was before but she is now seeing changes. Trust is very important but if broken it does take time for it to be established and it cannot be forced. I would encourage you to continue as you are doing UkGuy. I agree with what you are doing.

[UkGuy]

Hi chosen and Raymond,

Hope you're both well. Things have me going quite good recently and on the right track. We're spending more time together. Our last date night she interlocked her arm around mine as we crossed the road and she seems even more at ease doing these things. She even called me babe on the phone the other day but not sure why.

We got a day out together with the kids and doing some nice things. She asked me last night if I wanted to sleep at hers tonight so I'm there first thing and also she wants us to have some drinks together. I'm thinking we're not together so I'm not going to start that type of thing, even on Christmas eve?

Ps the play fighting is still going strong lol

[Raymond]

That's really good UKGuy. Every time you write things seem to be getting better although it is taking time. Well done keeping up the playfighting. I believe there is a key there.

I'm not sure what you mean by not going to start that type of thing. Do you mean drinks or staying over? Whatever have a really nice Christmas.

[chosen]

Does she mean sleep with her? If not I agree, keep that separate until/if/when you actually get back together.

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by Raymond

That's really good UKGuy. Every time you write things seem to be getting better although it is taking time. Well done keeping up the playfighting. I believe there is a key there.

I'm not sure what you mean by not going to start that type of thing. Do you mean drinks or staying over? Whatever have a really nice Christmas.

I mean not staying over night. I think I will have a few drinks with her though.

Hope you have a nice Christmas too.

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by chosen

Does she mean sleep with her? If not I agree, keep that separate until/if/when you actually get back together.

No I wouldn't of thought so lol. Just staying overnight to be there as soon as the kids wake up. She also wanted me to have some drinks tonight with her. I'll leave the car at home but I won't be staying over until we are at that stage.

[Raymond]

Very wise.

[chosen]

Yes I agree, she has to make that commitment to live together first, and you are doing well to keep some boundaries for now until that happens.