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Old 6th November 2014, 06:16 PM   #1
Logan
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Paranoia or not?

Hi all

I would like to get some thoughts on the state of my marriage from people to see if I am worrying about nothing or there is a real problem I need to address. Here's the situation;

I have been married for 14 years. During that time my partner and I have had the odd difficulty but nothing major. This year seems different though. At the start of the year I spiralled into a major depression episode, one so severe I was off work and at times felt like either killing myself or running away. The reason I didn't is because I didn't want to upset my wife or 10yr old son. At the beginning of this depression my wife was very supportive and caring, but as the months went on this started to wane. I ended up losing my job through redundancy and had to sign on JSA. Now though, I have a job and I am bringing in money again.

The issue I have in my marriage is this; my wife has for the last 7 months or so shown me little to no affection. She no longer kisses me on the lips. She turns her head so I have to peck her cheek. I cannot remember the last time she said 'I love you', as a response to me saying it to her (verbally and in text form), even though we used to say it every day. We haven't made love since March, with zero interest coming from her regarding doing so. During my period of depression I cannot recall a time she asked me to talk to her regarding my problems. All I seem to get is frustration that I haven't done things around the house in the time I was off. I understand she was juggling the financial impact of my being sick, and I understand it must have been irritating to come home and see I hadn't done much.

The other thing I have picked up on is her developing feelings for a work colleague. She has known him for a few years and has said before he is a close friend, but lately it seems she is giving him more affection. Whether or not this is down to him having to have a major operation is something I've debated in my head, but I'll confess that I have looked at the messages they send to each other (some of you may feel this is wrong but I did so because of my growing suspicions). Their texts are flirty in tone, and my wife has said things like 'I wish I could say more to you but I shouldn't'. She also bought him a gift before his operation which she didn't tell me about. Plus (and this may seem a minor point) she always finishes her texts to him with a number of 'x' symbols. I don't get any in my texts anymore.

So the question is this: should I be worried her love for me has gone? Or is it just a temporary phase? Please help me.
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Old 6th November 2014, 08:13 PM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Paranoia or not?

The most dangerous thing I see is this flirtation Logan. The other problems can be worked through. She is not playing fair in my view. Can you bring this up with her?

Obviously the love and interest has waned but this can be recovered but this flirtation is not going to help anything and will make your intimacy even shallower. With regard to her not kissing you on the lips or saying I love you, I don't think that would be a massive problem but if things are being affected by the other person then it would be.
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Old 6th November 2014, 08:55 PM   #3
chosen
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Posts: 5,794
Re: Paranoia or not?

I dont believe that any married person should have a close friend who is a member of the opposite sex. She is playing with fire, and her flirtation/emotional affair will definitely be affecting the way she interacts with you. This needs to stop. Flirting is so dangerous.
I would recommend that you tell her how unhappy you are with their relationship and ask that she no longer contacts him outside work ever and that she never sees him outside work ever. Is he married? Also some marriage counseling may help.
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Old 6th November 2014, 11:59 PM   #4
ronnoco
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Posts: 391
Re: Paranoia or not?

Massive red flags. Especially the "I wish I could say more" It's all very wrong in my eyes. She clearly has feelings for this person. Emotional affiars are terrible because they can divide someones heart in 2. She may have become infatuated with him and got that "brotherly/best friend love" for you. Problem is, there is a big difference between infatuation and love.

I think the not kissing, not making love and not saying she loves you is a problem too but as Chosen said - most probably all related to this and for the reasons listed above.

Don't feel guilty and beat yourself up over it. You were genuinely ill and depression is serious. There is NEVER an excuse to go outside of the marital relationship. Don't let her justify her actions to you.
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