feeling selfish - prayers needed
For a very long time I could only see what my unmet needs were. I was angry, bitter, hard-hearted, defeated, by turns. I used to lament to myself that my husband was throwing away all our life. Used to feel my marriage was like crossing a desert. It took the shock of discovering a few adult personal ads my husband had written online, to cause a change in me.
I began to see and hear how equally miserable he was and that I was grudging him all of the same kind of attentions I felt deprived of. I began to see his suffering and to see how, though I had tried many ways, I still hadn't learned how to honestly tell him what I felt. By the time I could express myself over any issue, I had worked up to indignation. When he told me I was attacking him or just liked to fight about everything or was too sensitive to live in this world, I would become enraged. And instead of him hearing what was bothering me, he could only see and feel attacked. He did me the favor, finally, of pointing out to me what my body language was like. I looked down at myself and I did see someone who looked as though she were going to spring at him!
Even though things are so very much better between us - because I've exercised my compassion and dropped my enmity - I feel impatient that they are not still better. And my husband has been through a grave illness with operations and he is in daily pain, 8 months later, has to force himself to eat despite nausea, and is needing to take medication for erectile dysfunction. Sometimes there are good days for him and he is able to work at a physically demanding job, but I know he has a strong fear that the doctors are wrong and this will kill him or shorten his life.
So, he has all that to struggle with and here I am crying when I read the article here on emotional starvation. We have come so far, despite all these struggles. So much of what I have prayed for has happened. He is protective towards me again. He is beginning to offer information about himself, his childhood, his plans. He spends more time with me. He is becoming a more involved father. But I am craving emotional intimacy: that he show an interest in me. I am wishing for him to want to ask me questions about what I think or feel, either about myself personally or us or even political opinions. I wish he'd think to compliment me about anything. I wish he'd reach out to be physically affectionate with me. I wish he'd enjoy me. I wish my husband would delight in me. There is a lot of care and consideration between us now but there is no joy.
And I feel selfish for wanting this at a time when he has been struggling so long with physical pains and disturbances and with fears. I need prayers and I don't even know what to pray for. (I do pray for the recovery of his health and morale)
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