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Old 16th May 2015, 07:07 PM   #1
cherrybomb
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fighting is making me sick

Me and my husband have been fighting alot !! Hes threatened to leave but hasent left but hes gone out and I'm left here feeling sick ..i dont know what to do I dont want to be alone but is it much worse than feeling this constantly I wish I could get it together he hardly help out at all with anything he doesn't take me out or buys me gifts ..I wouldn't lose much other than him being around ..i dont know how id feel alone ..so Sad right now
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Old 16th May 2015, 07:16 PM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Re: fighting is making me sick

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrybomb View Post
Me and my husband have been fighting alot !! Hes threatened to leave but hasent left but hes gone out and I'm left here feeling sick ..i dont know what to do I dont want to be alone but is it much worse than feeling this constantly I wish I could get it together he hardly help out at all with anything he doesn't take me out or buys me gifts ..I wouldn't lose much other than him being around ..i dont know how id feel alone ..so Sad right now
Yeh well welcome to the real world we all feel like that, ever seen the café bar scene in the original star wars ? well this is it only circa 2015.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 16th May 2015 at 07:23 PM.
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Old 16th May 2015, 07:37 PM   #3
notDoneYet
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Re: fighting is making me sick

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrybomb View Post
Me and my husband have been fighting alot !! Hes threatened to leave but hasent left but hes gone out and I'm left here feeling sick ..i dont know what to do I dont want to be alone but is it much worse than feeling this constantly I wish I could get it together he hardly help out at all with anything he doesn't take me out or buys me gifts ..I wouldn't lose much other than him being around ..i dont know how id feel alone ..so Sad right now
Hi Cherryb. Sorry you are here. We all feel your pain. Can you give us a bit more background about you and your H. What the fighting is about etc? It would really help. Peace.
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Old 16th May 2015, 07:46 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: fighting is making me sick

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrybomb View Post
Me and my husband have been fighting alot !! Hes threatened to leave but hasent left but hes gone out and I'm left here feeling sick ..i dont know what to do I dont want to be alone but is it much worse than feeling this constantly I wish I could get it together he hardly help out at all with anything he doesn't take me out or buys me gifts ..I wouldn't lose much other than him being around ..i dont know how id feel alone ..so Sad right now
Some good counseling may help you communicate better. How long have you been married? Do you have children?
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Old 16th May 2015, 07:52 PM   #5
cherrybomb
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Re: fighting is making me sick

Hi guys
Were to start we have been threw so much ...wwe have been together since we were at school ..we had to children but the time we were 18 and married by 19 ..the first few years were ruff ..he was out all the time getting into trouble taking drugs and of Corse accusations about other woman come about however I have no proof other than when I found him messaging another girl ..im not innocent tho I was always loyal untill alittle while ago when I found myself haveing a Ea...im not proud of myself and it was mainly a way to vent ..however we chose to stay together and work on our marriage but to me everything's changes ..its made me realise how little effort he puts into this relationship he says he loves me and I'm the love of his life ..it just doesn't feel the same I'm always thinking he is going to cheat to get me back or something ...i do really love my husband it to be honest its all I know ...saturdays are supposed to be our days as I work Monday to Friday so it give us a date day /nyt hes been asleep all afternoon and has gone over a friends now ...im so lonely xx
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Old 16th May 2015, 07:54 PM   #6
cherrybomb
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Re: fighting is making me sick

Yeah we have been married for 9yrs but together for about 14 ..we have 2 children im now only 28 yrs old and he's 29 .x
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Old 16th May 2015, 07:55 PM   #7
cherrybomb
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Re: fighting is making me sick

I dont get it Ralf x
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Old 16th May 2015, 08:07 PM   #8
ralfgarnett
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Re: fighting is making me sick

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Originally Posted by cherrybomb View Post
I dont get it Ralf x
look it up on youtube
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Old 16th May 2015, 10:27 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: fighting is making me sick

As I said arrange for some marriage counselling. Its sounds if you had children far far too early before either of you were mature enough, and you never really got on the right track.
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Old 17th May 2015, 10:39 AM   #10
ralfgarnett
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Re: fighting is making me sick

I sincerely hope you both manage to sort yourselves out, if your husband would agree to marriage counselling and mediation then maybe you might stand a chance of sorting things out and moving forwards, I hope that you do because the pain of marriage separation is intolerable sometimes and I wouldn't wish this level of torment on anyone, good luck and keep posting you will receive good advice on here from better qualified people than me.
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Old 17th May 2015, 10:53 AM   #11
cherrybomb
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Re: fighting is making me sick

Thanks so much for all advice ..it all helps I feel sick with just the thought of devorse that's just at the prospect of it i carnt imagine going threw it ...i know id be ok but hes been a wing man since I were 15 ..how do I let my best friend go after all that time I fear long-term loneliness ...he said to me this morning that he thinks I think he isn't enough for me ...all I ask is he helps around the house with uniforms ect ect ..limit his computor time and spend time as a family ...i ask one date night a week also am I asking to much ....thanks guys xx
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Old 17th May 2015, 10:54 AM   #12
cherrybomb
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Re: fighting is making me sick

He won't do councilling or anything like x
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Old 17th May 2015, 11:00 AM   #13
ralfgarnett
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Re: fighting is making me sick

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrybomb View Post
Thanks so much for all advice ..it all helps I feel sick with just the thought of devorse that's just at the prospect of it i carnt imagine going threw it ...i know id be ok but hes been a wing man since I were 15 ..how do I let my best friend go after all that time I fear long-term loneliness ...he said to me this morning that he thinks I think he isn't enough for me ...all I ask is he helps around the house with uniforms ect ect ..limit his computor time and spend time as a family ...i ask one date night a week also am I asking to much ....thanks guys xx
Take each day as it comes, god forbid your marriage ends but if it did you are very young and when you were ready you could easily meet another good man, I was 32 when I married my wife and she was 25 so you have loads of time, as with my wife your husband sounds a very stubborn selfish man not to consider counselling, for best you can try to stay calm and not to panic, you still have a good chance of working things out while your are both living under the same roof, have you heard of the 180 ? if not look it up under divorce busting it might help you at the moment but of course you don't tell him your doing it you keep it to yourself, good luck keep posting.
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Old 17th May 2015, 04:07 PM   #14
cherrybomb
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Re: fighting is making me sick

No I haven't heard of this what is is can I ask ? ..thanks so much for the advice Ralf ..im feeling alittle better ...im going to seek councilling for myself to try and get things together in my own head I think that is a good place to start I have so many demons I need to deal with for me .im magerly paranoid ..i dont know if its me or I have proppa cause to feel this way but I'm driving myself crazy xx
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Old 17th May 2015, 05:28 PM   #15
ralfgarnett
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Re: fighting is making me sick

THE 180 LIST
So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a spouse who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...
Many spouses are urged to go No Contact with their spouse after ALL ELSE has failed.

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from their family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church,
go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and,
as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices
and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic or available.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life
that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and
are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.
Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

2 things to think about if you do this:
1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do
for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now.
You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after
all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what.
So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being
insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do.
Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want.
When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life,
I realized that almost everything beyond food, water, clothing, and shelter is a want.
10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion.
That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her
to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately.
In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a
little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life
to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you
for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also).
REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise.
Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance.
However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and
everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
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