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Old 13th August 2014, 06:42 PM   #31
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I didn't push or probe I didn't want to put any pressure on her she has had enough to cope with without me pressuring her, I don't fully know why she can't change she says there are no similar jobs within the NHS locally in her field maybe it has something to do with her degree or something I honestly don't know, we have talked about it and that has always been the answer, I have no reason to disbeilve my wife if that is what she says I believe her, only she knows in her head why not, I think possibly because she is NHS the only other possibilities are to go back on the wards and she doesn't want to do that.
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Old 13th August 2014, 07:53 PM   #32
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

MY husband works for the NHS at times, and has an interview in September for another role. There are many admin jobs that I am sure would be far less stressful, but she has to want to help herself in the end.
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Old 13th August 2014, 08:24 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I think it is pretty clear where the stress is coming from. Thank you for enlightening us.

She is obviously not cut out for that work I would say, regardless of degrees. I don't think this is a marriage problem just a work stress related job that is affecting your marriage.

Pressure is fine in a job but when it becomes stress watch out. I would really suggest she gets out of that field. It is not worth ruining ones life or marriage for. Until she sees that I can't see an end to the problem quite frankly.

I think it is wonderful the patience you have but the problems have to be addressed as well. Rejuggling the finances would be well worth it I feel.
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Old 13th August 2014, 08:38 PM   #34
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

You make a good point Raymond I will devise a plan to approach that I think in good time, but not now it will go in my little box of tricks with a few other things that I will polish up and drop in to a conversation or e-mail at some time but not just now as I said slowly slowly catchy monkey, thanks to you all for another day of thoughts and views I really appreciate the dialogue chaps, funny to think that 5 weeks ago tonight I knew of no marriage problems either, funny old thing life isn't it, there you are minding your own business thinking what shall we watch on TV tonight then out of completely no where BOOM BANG CRASH WALLOP.
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Old 14th August 2014, 08:28 AM   #35
Raymond
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

For her that was all underneath but she never shared it. She has a lot of thinking to do. I really hope she can release herself and not stay there because of guilt a martyr complex or whatever. It's just not right for her as far as I can see. I know with your patience you will get an opportunity eventually to speak some wisdom into the situation.
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Old 14th August 2014, 09:43 AM   #36
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
For her that was all underneath but she never shared it. She has a lot of thinking to do. I really hope she can release herself and not stay there because of guilt a martyr complex or whatever. It's just not right for her as far as I can see. I know with your patience you will get an opportunity eventually to speak some wisdom into the situation.
Yes I agree. If I were in a job that was contributing to bad stress I would be searching every day for another less stressful post, even if it meant less money and leaving the NHS.
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Old 15th August 2014, 03:22 PM   #37
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Got an e-mail from my wife this morning saying how "lovely" it was to see me last Tuesday, if nothing else it has to be a positive for whatever our future holds and in what ever context it evolves or diversifies.
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Old 15th August 2014, 04:29 PM   #38
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I hope that she decides to have a proper marriage as man and wife as God intended.
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Old 16th August 2014, 11:52 AM   #39
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen me too but I cant do any more than I am at the moment, we spoke on the phone for over an hour earlier and it was nice very nice, we talk and communicate very well, I feel very tired so not got anything else to say on this at the moment but will post updates if anything interesting happens, but don't hold your breath.
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Old 19th August 2014, 10:56 AM   #40
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Had a telephone conversation and whilst I stayed calm and polite I told her a few home truths about what she would be throwing away, a good husband that loves her and will always look after her, a nice home in a nice area, a good lifestyle 4 or 5 holidays a year, I told her a lot of what she thinks is in her head and if we sat down and talked to a counsellor then they would probably kick us both out after 20 minutes for wasting their time, I asked her once again if she would consider counselling and she said she didn't know, so at least didn't get a direct no, I don't think she knows what she really wants at the moment, the only definite thing that we both agree on is that she/we/it needs time and space that's very obvious, but we are talking and get on really well all things considered, I mentioned the work stress and re-jigging the finances and said go and work in a florist or something and we will survive, I said there is much more to life than work and stress, can't remember what she said to that though as I was a bit upset as I had found some photos from our honeymoon and they had made me cry thinking about how happy we were then and how sad things feel right now, I might be completely wrong but I really don't think it's totally over I really don't I just hope I'm not deluding myself with false hopes but I just have this feeling deep down inside and I feel as though we could get through this if only we could see a marriage guidance counsellor or mediation of some kind but I don't want to pressure her and drive her away even further, any views anyone ?.
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Old 19th August 2014, 01:29 PM   #41
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I think the way you are handling the situation is superb Ralf - I really do.

I think you are right in that she actually doesn't know what she wants and has become a bit lost with life.

It's very easy to say go and get a job in a shop but for a lot of people, their career is something they have worked at all their life and they don't want to just give it up like that - my sister was the same. She lost her husband to cancer and her job just became too emotionally stressful and draining - it was eating her up. She eventually left but I know she found letting go and moving to a job with little responsibility quite difficult so I do understand how that feels for some people. Your wife may not even see what we see, i.e. all these connections. People do get very confused and muddled in life sometimes. She's probably having a little breakdown.

I think do exactly what you are doing, have hope of course but do stuff for yourself and make some changes in your own lifestyle. She'll see these changes as well and it will get her thinking. You can't fix what is out of your control. She has free will and has to be willing to address the issues. Hopefully life will teach her.

All the best.
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Old 19th August 2014, 03:50 PM   #42
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

There are far more appropriate jobs for her than a shop I am sure. However if a job is causing stress then there are loads of jobs on line that she could search for that would use her expereinces but not be so hard.
To be honest, I have met people who LOVE the whole busy/stress/pressure thing. It makes them feel important.
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Old 20th August 2014, 11:04 AM   #43
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I used the flower shop scenario as an example of a calm place to work with little or no stress involved.
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Old 20th August 2014, 08:35 PM   #44
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Sounds like you sowed a few seeds Ralf. Keep up the good work. One of the words that can push people into the ground is I "ought" to. That can be a very dangerous word and can ruin your health. Vocations are about wanting to and having the strength to go with it, even thriving in it. She clearly is not called to what she is doing now and at the very least needs a very long break from it to get her mental health back.
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Old 21st August 2014, 07:23 PM   #45
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

My dear wife came round for about 45 minutes or so earlier today and as always we were very kind gentle sensitive and open with each other without getting too heavy just nice and light and relaxing, she gave our 2 cats their teas and brushed them and played with them for a while we both talked, had a couple of little laughs, some small crying, and I asked her if I had been so bad to live with, she said no that I was always a good person, she said that she is the problem, she said all at one go over the past few months her mums back went she suffers ostheo arthritis quite bad, one brother got 2 DVT in his veins after falling off a roof, her other brother has Chrones and has had to take some medication that is leaving him possibly open to cancer, and she is still grieving for her dad that died a couple of years ago, she said all of a sudden she started thinking about dying herself, and how at her funeral people wouldn't know anything about her or who she was because she doesn't know who she is either to be able to tell anyone, it gets odder and odder, she may well be having some kind of episode, the irony is that she works in Mental Health in The Community Mental Health team, she has been to the GP and he didn't offer her any tablets and she didn't ask for any, instead he told her to exercise to concentrate her mind but I think she needs tablets to help her cope, it's all very odd and she looks so sad and down although she said she feels a bit happier in herself since she has had time to herself, as I said its all very peculiar I think only in time will it work it self out who knows what the future holds but I definitely think that time and patience is one of the key things to this, she wants to meet me on Monday for a coffee and a walk round the park, will report back after that but as ever all views are welcome I appreciate all your comments and views very much indeed, PS this weeks meet up went well same as last weeks so going to keep my head down for a bit to see what happens next and not contact her to see if she contacts me, what do you think good idea or not a good idea ?.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 21st August 2014 at 07:41 PM. Reason: editing
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