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Old 27th November 2015, 12:59 PM   #16
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
If I were you I would ask that he make a decision or agree to marriage counseling after the three months is over. You don't want him to keep saying he needs more time. You aren't a doormat, and if he has all the power in the relationship he will do whatever he wants. Sometimes when a man says he needs time he is out looking at other options. He may not be, but you just don't know. If he is separated he may feel he can do whatever. It's not easy to get back together the longer you're apart.

Again, I would consider being more firm after this three months is over. He can't just leave you in agony, hanging on. I've been there, and it's a nightmare.
I agree, I felt he may well be trying out the single free life and seeing if its worth losing his marriage over.
ALso agree about the 3 month thing, be firm and say that after that time you want a decision yes or no, other wise it could go on for ages. If he wants to come back then insist that you have a long period of marriage counselling, maybe even before you let him come home. Dont let him think he can come and go as he pleases whenever he feels like it and you will have him back no question. Be strong and firm and insist on certain conditions and boundaries. You may even want think about asking him to stop coming round for the time being, it only makes it harder for you.

Personally I would be very wary about letting a man back if he had abandoned me like that. I feel that it is very demeaning for any spouse to say they dont know if they love you enough to stay married or to want to live with you any more.
You are doing a good job, keep strong.
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Old 27th November 2015, 01:00 PM   #17
Sylvia Smith
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Halfpint View Post
My husband of ten years told me that he hasn't been happy in our marriage for about a year or so, and wants some time and space to decide what he wants to do, whether he feels enough for me to continue with our marriage.
He has been living at a work friend's home for 2 weeks now while I am still in the marital home, which was his home before we met 12 years ago. We met through online dating and I moved to his home when we married ten years ago, leaving 4 adult children ,and grandchildren, and friends to be with him.
I think I am coping quite well at the moment as we are trying to keep communicating and he is still popping in to the house to collect the odd thing and to pick up any post. During the day I am fine as I am kept busy at work, but nights can be horrible as I have to sleep on my own in our huge king size bed. I find myself crying myself to sleep a lot.
What I am finding really hard to deal with is that he is still so affectionate and is happy to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye when we have met. Surely he must still feel something for me if he will behave like this? I know that I have to give him some space and time to think things through, and we have agreed to re-evaluate our situation after 3 months. But what is the hardest thing to deal with is that in the end I will probably have no say in the fate of our relationship and it will be his decision whether we have a future together or not.
I am trying to keep positive and look on the bright side as I know how much he has loved me, and I am sure deep down he still does, even if he is not sure about it himself.
This is my second marriage. My first husband left me for one of my friends after 17 years, and had been unfaithful for years without my knowing, with several other women.
I am desperate not to have another marriage fail and to be left on my own again.
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. It appears that problems crept into your marriage a year ago? What exactly happened? If he loved you so (and it appears that you love him dearly as well) then what has made him think in this manner now? Did you not give him much attention, did you both just drift apart - what are the reasons for his behavior? Where is the lack? It is not possible that a person's love and emotions can just switch off (until and unless they have very valid reasons to do so). You must ask him what is bothering him. What is missing in the relationship now that cannot be worked on at all? If you want to save your marriage, express your love to him and tell him exactly this. Of course, I don't mean that you throw yourself on him - give him the space and time that he demands now, but whenever you get the opportunity, do make it a point to express your heartfelt emotions. Continue going to the counselor, it will help you handle yourself and your emotions better and who knows, everything may just be okay after a few months.
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Old 27th November 2015, 07:57 PM   #18
Halfpint
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
If I were you I would ask that he make a decision or agree to marriage counseling after the three months is over. You don't want him to keep saying he needs more time. You aren't a doormat, and if he has all the power in the relationship he will do whatever he wants. Sometimes when a man says he needs time he is out looking at other options. He may not be, but you just don't know. If he is separated he may feel he can do whatever. It's not easy to get back together the longer you're apart.

Again, I would consider being more firm after this three months is over. He can't just leave you in agony, hanging on. I've been there, and it's a nightmare.
He has already agreed to counselling when he comes home, if he decides that he wants us to stay together. I have decided that I think 3 months apart is more than enough time for him to get his head together. I agree with you, he can't just keep me hanging on waiting for him to decide what he wants. There are two of us in this marriage and what I want is just as important.
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Old 27th November 2015, 08:07 PM   #19
Lindentree1
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Halfpint View Post
He has already agreed to counselling when he comes home, if he decides that he wants us to stay together. I have decided that I think 3 months apart is more than enough time for him to get his head together. I agree with you, he can't just keep me hanging on waiting for him to decide what he wants. There are two of us in this marriage and what I want is just as important.
You are exactly right.

And yes, your wants and needs are just as important and he has to know that. You have shown strength even though you are not used to being alone. I really hope you have a positive outcome when this three months is over.
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Old 27th November 2015, 08:29 PM   #20
Halfpint
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
You are exactly right.

And yes, your wants and needs are just as important and he has to know that. You have shown strength even though you are not used to being alone. I really hope you have a positive outcome when this three months is over.
He is out of the country for a week from tomorrow, on a golfing trip. Hopefully the extra distance will help him to think about what he is missing. This is the first holiday/break he has taken without me for over ten years. I will be waiting to see if he sends me any texts while he is away because he misses sharing things with me. I am going to visit my daughter at the end of the week so won't be around for a few days when he returns.
I am spending Christmas week with my kids so I won't be around then. I want to keep a bit of distance between us for a while so that he really gets used to not having me available to visit whenever he wants.
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Old 27th November 2015, 09:49 PM   #21
notDoneYet
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

MHi halfpint. Sorry you find yourself here.

I've read your sitch and I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. I know you've repeatedly said there isn't anyone else involved but I think you should prepare for that.

The reason I'm saying this is that when one spouse asks for space 'to think' what they really mean is they want you on the back burner as plan B. This is because they are at a juncture and they don't know yet what they want on a permanent basis. By that I mean there are so many red flags that I suspect there is someone else and if it doesn't work out with your H and the OW he'll just mozzy on home. Until the next time. He wants to explore this new R with you out of the way.

This behaviour is so common place we call it the script. When he's nice to you and kissing you that's called a temp check. He's testing the water to see you are still there for him even though he leaves. And the 3 month thing is him pulling on the rope making sure you are still there and so damn unfair.

Look. Forget marriage counceling for a minute. It won't work if there is an OWnin the picture. Neither will you being there for him when ever he wants.

The idea of feeling loss isn't about no texts or contact. It's about really letting go of the rope. Took me a year to finally do that. It has to be a deep loss. Trust me if he has strayed (and I hate to say your stitch has all the hallmarks) then he needs to realise the consequences of his actions and feel real remorse. And I don't see that in your posts. He's cake eating.

I really hope I wrong and I do wish you the best but tread carefully. Get yourself sorted and prepared for the worst.

No man in love wants to leave his wife. Not one.

Sorry for the harsh words but I mean well.
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Old 27th November 2015, 11:06 PM   #22
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
MHi halfpint. Sorry you find yourself here.

I've read your sitch and I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. I know you've repeatedly said there isn't anyone else involved but I think you should prepare for that.

The reason I'm saying this is that when one spouse asks for space 'to think' what they really mean is they want you on the back burner as plan B. This is because they are at a juncture and they don't know yet what they want on a permanent basis. By that I mean there are so many red flags that I suspect there is someone else and if it doesn't work out with your H and the OW he'll just mozzy on home. Until the next time. He wants to explore this new R with you out of the way.

This behaviour is so common place we call it the script. When he's nice to you and kissing you that's called a temp check. He's testing the water to see you are still there for him even though he leaves. And the 3 month thing is him pulling on the rope making sure you are still there and so damn unfair.

Look. Forget marriage counceling for a minute. It won't work if there is an OWnin the picture. Neither will you being there for him when ever he wants.

The idea of feeling loss isn't about no texts or contact. It's about really letting go of the rope. Took me a year to finally do that. It has to be a deep loss. Trust me if he has strayed (and I hate to say your stitch has all the hallmarks) then he needs to realise the consequences of his actions and feel real remorse. And I don't see that in your posts. He's cake eating.

I really hope I wrong and I do wish you the best but tread carefully. Get yourself sorted and prepared for the worst.

No man in love wants to leave his wife. Not one.

Sorry for the harsh words but I mean well.
Very wise words learnt though pain and hurt.
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Old 11th December 2015, 01:31 AM   #23
Halfpint
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Well, I really have been had. Husband came round tonight to finally admit he is seeing someone else. He was in Lanzarote with her, not golfing pals. What a bastard!
He already is seeing cracks in their relationship so I don't think it will last long. I have told him not to expect me to be waiting with open arms when it all goes wrong.
He is being very reasonable about paying bills and being available for any problems with the house and I am happy to stay just where I am for now.
I have told him that I won't do anything about us until the New Year, but I need that time to take stock of the situation and see how I feel.
Sorry NDY, didn't want to believe you but you were right all along.
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Old 11th December 2015, 04:45 AM   #24
Lindentree1
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Halfpint View Post
Well, I really have been had. Husband came round tonight to finally admit he is seeing someone else. He was in Lanzarote with her, not golfing pals. What a bastard!
He already is seeing cracks in their relationship so I don't think it will last long. I have told him not to expect me to be waiting with open arms when it all goes wrong.
He is being very reasonable about paying bills and being available for any problems with the house and I am happy to stay just where I am for now.
I have told him that I won't do anything about us until the New Year, but I need that time to take stock of the situation and see how I feel.
Sorry NDY, didn't want to believe you but you were right all along.
I am so sorry, Halfpint.

What a horrible thing to find out. I am lost for words at the moment. I hope you have people to turn to at this trying time. Please keep posting here and I know we will support you in however you want to proceed.
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Old 11th December 2015, 05:01 AM   #25
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Halfpint View Post
Well, I really have been had. Husband came round tonight to finally admit he is seeing someone else. He was in Lanzarote with her, not golfing pals. What a bastard!
He already is seeing cracks in their relationship so I don't think it will last long. I have told him not to expect me to be waiting with open arms when it all goes wrong.
He is being very reasonable about paying bills and being available for any problems with the house and I am happy to stay just where I am for now.
I have told him that I won't do anything about us until the New Year, but I need that time to take stock of the situation and see how I feel.
Sorry NDY, didn't want to believe you but you were right all along.
Sadly those of of who have been here for some time did see it I am afraid, the signs were all there, I am so sorry, but I felt uneasy about this 'golfing' trip.

I admire you for even thinking of staying. Did he say how long this has been going on for? Its a sad fact that if he can do it once he can do it again.

It sounds as if he wants to stay with her till the relationships falls apart, which shows that he is neither sorry or repentant. If he were he would have ended it and now be trying all he could to get back with you and work on rebuilding your trust.
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Old 20th December 2015, 12:55 AM   #26
mirry
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

i am so sorry that you are going through this. :-(
hmm to be honest i think he is behaving quite un fair, leaving you 'hanging' like this is hurtful and cruel.. you are there crying yourself to sleep wondering will he leave me or wont he, does he still love me etc.... that is horrific for any woman (or man) to go through :-( you sound like a very trusting person (your marriage before where he was behaving like a piece of **** and treating you bad behind your back) i would be so worried in this situ that he is cheating or seeing someone else to be honest and waiting to see if it works out with her and if thats secure enough to jump into so to speak before he makes the leap to leave you.. i know it sounds harsh but it's the only thing i would be thinking in this situation. i mean how long does he need to make his mind up? this is torture for you and YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS ARSEHOLE OF A MAN!!!!! what a git to do this to you! sending strength and love and good luck, xx
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Old 14th February 2016, 04:33 AM   #27
sumij
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Sorry you're going through this. With all of the deaths and stressful situations going on in your husband's life, I'd be surprised if he didn't do something drastic, as he's done here. When all of this trauma is going on, the natural response would be to step back and assess one's life. This is probably what he's doing, so he might be unsure of everything in his life.

I agree that you should find new interests in your life. This will help keep you busy, perhaps give you some happiness, as well as let him see you in a different light. And yes, it's a good thing for him to miss you and see what his life would be without you. Take care of yourself. Go have fun, and also, make a point of doing something fun with him when you do get together. I think he needs some relief from all of the responsibilities and if he sees you as someone he has fun with, this could help turn the tide.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 14th February 2016, 12:12 PM   #28
ralfgarnett
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Hi Halpint only just read this "He was in Lanzarote with her, not golfing pals. What a bastard!" so while you though he was out playing golf, he was indeed getting a hole in one, putting his flag in the wrong cup, and getting a birdy too but not as you expected, he is what you describe him as, he is also dishonest, untrustworthy, and a liar, he has broken his vows and your trust, and that is something that would be very very hard to re-kindle and would take one hell of a lot of effort on both sides, him to prove his trustworthiness to you, and for you to believe / trust him, so sorry your going through this I really am and as with all the others on here betrayed and hurt I am thinking of you, and will pray for your healing and happiness, meanwhile good luck and keep your chin up the very best you can.
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