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Old 22nd May 2011, 11:43 AM   #346
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I think, no one knows outside Steve's situation in detail from reading what he reports Suppose, taking advantage wasn't quite the right phrase, Raymond, one must admit. But knowing this lady knows, Steve is divorcing his wife at the moment, she knows the situation where Steve needs support and affection and naturally, an intimate relationship is already formed yet so quickly... (oh don't I sound like Chosen lol) Men (unattached or attached), I generally find, are probably motivated when women find him sexually attractive and some of them even fall hard in love. So I guess, I'm offering my female perspective here. You need to know about this woman well before you fall for her but I realize you are thinking well at the same time.

Previous posters had thrown caution whilst someone is already in a mess e.g. marital break-up, one would be careful to to be throwing oneself into another mess..."rebound" relationships usually are not meant to last but who knows..it all depends on Steve and the lady friend who are involved. Having said that, again sooner or later when her role as a gf is established then she might ask for more commitments. One cannot just have a "discreet" relationship when people's hearts get involved and I'm just saying things could get messy.
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Old 31st May 2011, 01:56 PM   #347
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Hi all,
Many thanks for the advice it never goes unheeded. Let me bring you up to date with a few things :-

MY eldest has managed to get epelled from school due to her behavioural issues. My wife and I are trying to get this under control and identify ways forwards, but it still comes down to my daughter learning to take responsibility for her actions and no longer being protected. TO help us resolve this without our own personal bias coming to the fore, we are engaging a counsellor to merely act as a safe place for us to have the discussions that need to be had. I am also seeing the headmaster of my daughters school as I am not happy with the feedbacvk received to date.


Regarding my new relationship, this too has been focused on by me as something that I wanted to ensure was on the correct footing. My lady friend and I have discussed this and I have reduced the amount of time we spend together and indeed she has agreed that we just need to just manage it sensibly as we have done up until now. We both agree that my marriage and divorce and the children need to be resolved before we see what is left afterwards. She is a wonderful lady and very supportive having been through this process herself 5 years ago which does help and indeed hinder at times.

I have now told her that I will not engage in too much detailed convesation around my divorce as it had started to cause her to become involved and that is NOT what she is here for and nor why I need her in that case. We have a lot of laughs and am sure we will eventually move a little closer emotionally but NOT now.

I am still focused on getting a house for me and my girls and my dog :-)))) I will NOT be moving in with anyone for a long long time as I have also said to her I want my own place that cannot be spoilt and also my girls need that space as well.


In saying all of this the positive stuff that is happening in my life has been amazing and I am happy having someone hold my hand and cuddle me and just have convcersations with . Oh by the way she's a logical thinker a bit like myself which is good. Okay enough blubbering on from me. Life remains to be resolved and I am not losing focus on things, just for once in my life over the past 17 years am allowing myself to have a social life
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Old 31st May 2011, 05:54 PM   #348
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Sounds good to me Steve. I think you are doing the best you can do in the situation.

Shame about the oldest. I tend to think that your wife let her off the hook so much while you were the disciplinarian and now the consequences are being reaped.

Hopefully things can be turned around through the right counseling but there will obviously be a battle there.
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Old 30th June 2011, 09:08 AM   #349
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Morning ll.Just to let you know that I have ended the relationship with the lady that I was seeing. It was obvious to us that things were geting complicated and we had started to not enjoy what we had.

Anyway the house is now on the market and we are in that phase of getting all sorted out through mediation. Funnily enough my wife and I have been texting each other quite a bit and they have been friendly. So no we won't get back together but it's nice to not fight!

My eldest has started at her new state school which I think will be a better experience for her as well.

Youngest and I see each other 3 nights a week which I do enjoy a lot.

Can I say I am happy, no I cannot. What I can say is that I am clear heded and understand what needs to be done to continue to move forwards. I finally told my next door neighbours this morning that we had separated, which of course they had figured out lol.
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Old 30th June 2011, 06:13 PM   #350
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by stepgrah View Post
Funnily enough my wife and I have been texting each other quite a bit and they have been friendly. So no we won't get back together but it's nice to not fight!

I finally told my next door neighbours this morning that we had separated, which of course they had figured out lol.
Hi Stephen

Life is indeed, complicated.
I would say, your w was very very skilled at keepin her control within marriage, be it her money, be it her wants and needs etc etc. Why wouldn't she want to be "friendly" at this stage? She's only doing herself a favour by being nice on the surface as you two, will be at a negotiating table. I think, this wife of yours is extremely clever and you, seemingly taken by her even at this stage, ought to stay extra vigilant and wise. Your wife knows your weak spots, she's using all the texting to keep you simply "easier to handle" when she's aiming for a smooth negotiation in "her" mediation. Sometimes, ppl outside your marriage can tell she is a good manipulator as none of us has any emotional involvement with your w.
Good luck xxx
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Old 1st July 2011, 08:34 AM   #351
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

HI and thanks for the post back it does make me think again. I am going to get back on track with this situation now and drive forwards to a solution. I miss my eldest daughter very badly and that is something I have said that I want resolved or at least start to be resolved as a matter of urgency.
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Old 1st July 2011, 09:54 AM   #352
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Hi Stephen

I'm sure things will start to get better once things get more settled. I remember you had trouble setting boundaries to be the pleaser in relation to your dominant and stubborn wife, a master class user, who had far more control in your marriage. Try your best to protect your finance as much as you can as it's time your w gave equal share in everything and stop keep taking and taking your money forever in exchange of her false affections (e.g. manipulation) pretending as if she's attracted to you when she needs to get her way (e.g. she wants to keep all her lifelong savings and all her earning to herself) but she does this only to manipulate you and make you feel guilty to do the right thing FOR YOURSELF. It's time she stopped being a manipulating "little girl" who thinks she's so smart and enjoys having her control in her covert aggressive way. You need to get a fair deal in your mediation so that you can be happy in your future without a manipulator. If your w knows you are alone now, you need to be extra careful. She knows you are vulnerable.

xxx
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Old 1st July 2011, 01:04 PM   #353
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I think you need to listen to Chamomile's insights Steve. She could be right judging by past experience.

Glad you are seeing your youngest. I think with your eldest at her age that it is not a matter of access but her freewill so long as this is not being influenced by your wife too much. I would keep trying. Girls need fathers as well.
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Old 26th July 2011, 09:55 AM   #354
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Folks,
I thought I would write and give you an update and ask for some guidance on another issue. God I feel about 18 again this is all so complex. Okay here we go:-

I have had a couple of hours with my eldest which although nice was tainted with sadness as it was basically running her around and not getting much out of her.

MEdiation wise things have gone well and I an happy with the outcome so that is good. I am actually seeing my wife for a drink tomorrow night to discuss the girls and their progress.

Okay this is the silly one :-)

A few weeks ago I was out with friends and this woman made a play for me. VEry attractive and intelligent and funny. We hit it off immediately but I held her off for a month in order to ensure I wanted to see her. ANyway we started dating which has sort of been great. She is a divorced mother of 3 boys (18,15 and 11). ANyway first week was great and the second. I hardly text her and we keep a healthy respect for each other in terms of space etc.

ANyway this Saturday night we were out and had a brilliant night. Sunday she wanted to spend the after noon and evening with me, but sadly it didn't work out that way as her eldest son needed some time with her which is totally cool. She said about going out last night and I said yes and was free, then she texted to say she needed to be at home with her boys which I admit I was disappointed in.

She siad she'd call but didn't so I gave her a call and this was not well received as they were at dinner. ANyway she said she'd call me and she didn't. I got a text saying she haf dfallen asleep which I do believe knowing how hard she works. She did say she'd call me this morning, but I got a tet saying she is busy but will definitely call me some time today and kisses on the tex.

AM i being a mug here?
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Old 26th July 2011, 10:53 AM   #355
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Hmmmm sounds as if she is maybe not ready or available for a serious relationship at this time, and do you think that you are either? I would sugest at least waiting till your divorce has gone though.
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Old 26th July 2011, 11:18 AM   #356
Helen_uk
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Maybe she is in the same situation as you Steve ? Trying to balance her life between work , her sons and having a social life... As all her sons live with her I guess that complicates things for her relationship wise as well.

Think back to how you felt when you had those dates with the other lady and didn't want too much too fast...

As a caution , after I split with my last LTR I met a guy I really liked. However he had 2 daughters and a grandaughter , his youngest daughter lived with him ( though both daughters were adults , just ). He also had his own business . Although we got on really well he made it clear that his daughters and grand daughter came first and always would and he would often cancel dates last minute because his daughter needed a lift or his other daughter needed a baby sitter etc. Although he was a lovely person and I really liked him and could understand why he felt he needed to be on hand for family to a certain extent , I decided it wasn't for me. He was very wary after being badly hurt and I felt he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship. We split amicably and are still friends to this day.

Sometimes no matter how much we think we want them, some things are just not meant to be.

Last edited by Helen_uk; 26th July 2011 at 11:51 AM.
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Old 26th July 2011, 01:03 PM   #357
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

She was the one who started it so it doesn't quite fit the picture of someone who is too busy for a relationship. Maybe she realises her commitments now and thinks perhaps that it might not work. Who knows. I would leave the door open but respect her commitments as she must respect yours. A lot more to work out I would say. I think both of you need time. She knows that you are interested so if there is anything there she will respond in due course I would think.
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Old 27th July 2011, 12:50 PM   #358
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

HEy folks well what a 24 hours has just gone by:-

MY wife called me last night to say that she had been speaking to my youngest daughter whom I have had access to and together they have agreed that she will not be seeing me anymore. Apparently according to my wife they have agreed that I am not a good father or role model due to my relationship with this lady I am seeing.

MY wife knows this lady from a skiing trip a couple of years ago and is bitter that we have started something. So my girls are being used as a battleground. I have therefore contacted my lawyer and also a social services group to try and resolve this situation. I have stopped all mediation with my wife and said nothing will now happen until I have this resolved. All very unnecessary and upsetting indeed. WHat is interesting though is that my wife is a teacher and stopped last Friday for 6 weeks and now that she has time, the trouble has started!

With regards to this other lady, we spoke yesterday and hopefully we have managed to work it out :-) She had panicked a little and we are still going to take it very very slowly indeed and let it get wherever it is going to at it's own pace. She is a lovely lady and we both like each other, but realise that it will fail if we push it at present.

Not a fantastic 24hrs
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Old 27th July 2011, 01:07 PM   #359
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Excellent point, ladies and gentleman.

I don't know it seems there are so many ppl (particularly, those who went through break-ups) who do not want commitments from forming a new proper relationship. I see that behaviour in this woman which could be manifested in an unconscious level. Just be honest, Stephen. We all have emotional needs but seeking them in someone you don't really know that well could lead to all sorts of problems. Feeling excited about someone is one thing (e.g. feels like a teenager again, infatuation) but love is another.

Is it OK to say, you seem to fall in love easily? I don't mean to be rude. We all need to live our life and sometimes we need to make a conscious effort to preserve our own insight when we have certain tendencies. It's cute but be careful as well xxx
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Old 27th July 2011, 02:00 PM   #360
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by stepgrah View Post
HEy folks well what a 24 hours has just gone by:-

MY wife called me last night to say that she had been speaking to my youngest daughter whom I have had access to and together they have agreed that she will not be seeing me anymore. Apparently according to my wife they have agreed that I am not a good father or role model due to my relationship with this lady I am seeing.

MY wife knows this lady from a skiing trip a couple of years ago and is bitter that we have started something. So my girls are being used as a battleground. I have therefore contacted my lawyer and also a social services group to try and resolve this situation. I have stopped all mediation with my wife and said nothing will now happen until I have this resolved. All very unnecessary and upsetting indeed. WHat is interesting though is that my wife is a teacher and stopped last Friday for 6 weeks and now that she has time, the trouble has started!

With regards to this other lady, we spoke yesterday and hopefully we have managed to work it out :-) She had panicked a little and we are still going to take it very very slowly indeed and let it get wherever it is going to at it's own pace. She is a lovely lady and we both like each other, but realise that it will fail if we push it at present.

Not a fantastic 24hrs
So basically your wife doesnt want you, and wants to end the marriage, but she doesnt want any other lady to have you,and if you meet another lady she will stop your daughter from seeing you. Indcredibly selfish. So if she meets another man in the future, is your daughter not to see her either? Sometimes I despair of peoples selfishness.
I do feel that it is far far too early for you to be even thinking of another lady, but none of this should stop your daughter from seeing you. How did your daughter know anyway? My advice is not to tell any of them anything of this nature.Keep it all to yourself.
Also, what of your wifes behaviour of leaving her husband for no reason? Is that a good moral behaviour for her daughters to see? Hardly. She has double standards that much is clear, and she is still controlling and manipulating the children.
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