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Old 1st May 2011, 06:55 AM   #361
david
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Re: Help me

We talk about anything but we can't seem to reconnect.

It's all very cold and seems although we have never been married. The only obstacle will be for us telling the children. It will be difficult. I have been through the conversation of rebuilding the marriage around them, but she will have nothing of it. It's really sad indeed.

She says that she respects my mum's position, but personally, I think she probably sees that as something which has got in her way rather than something that could gel us together as a family.
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Old 1st May 2011, 10:17 AM   #362
Raymond
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Re: Help me

If she knew how to forgive David the barriers would go. Cannot her counselor brother help in this?
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Old 1st May 2011, 11:29 AM   #363
Chamomile
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Posts: 816
Re: Help me

I'm not sure it is healthy to dwell on the past.
Now is more important isn't it?
Would she agree to go away with you (without children)
to have alone time?
It can be just for one day or some romantic dinner?
If there's no intimacy left in marriage, it would be harder to
fix things in my experience.
(Fixing things on the surface rarely works)
You have read the book "I love you but I am not in love.."
Have you used any tips it provides?
Constant over-focus on children can divert your attention
from your wife's needs.

Last edited by Chamomile; 1st May 2011 at 11:46 AM.
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Old 1st May 2011, 12:17 PM   #364
Helen_uk
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Re: Help me

David your wife has built a barrier she isn't willing to take down, as Raymond rightly says she isn't willing to forgive past mistakes.

No matter how much you love someone , if they aren't prepared to give a little it's a wasted struggle.
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Old 1st May 2011, 02:42 PM   #365
Raymond
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Re: Help me

That is exactly it Helen and always was the case it seems. You have tried all the techniques you know David but this one thing remains the blockage. If her counselor brother can help here he would be doing her and you a service.
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Old 1st May 2011, 02:54 PM   #366
david
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
I'm not sure it is healthy to dwell on the past.
Now is more important isn't it?
Would she agree to go away with you (without children)
to have alone time?
It can be just for one day or some romantic dinner?
If there's no intimacy left in marriage, it would be harder to
fix things in my experience.
(Fixing things on the surface rarely works)
You have read the book "I love you but I am not in love.."
Have you used any tips it provides?
Constant over-focus on children can divert your attention
from your wife's needs.
No she would not go away with me. I've been on two lunches with her and it was very nice, but she was clearly uncomfortable.

We talk alot but there is no reconnection. Even when she agreed to walk the dog together we were scuppered by my youngest who wanted me to do something else.

This is a very good book indeed. I boought it a few moths ago and have used some of the techniques. I need to have another look at it just in case I have missed something!

Raymond

Her father is a trained counsellor and has a masters degree in communication. He has chosen not to get involved. It might be worth talking to him to see at least if he would be prepared to talk to her or call in to see her and try to see what is going on in her mind.
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Old 1st May 2011, 04:19 PM   #367
Chamomile
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by david View Post
No she would not go away with me. I've been on two lunches with her and it was very nice, but she was clearly uncomfortable.

We talk alot but there is no reconnection. Even when she agreed to walk the dog together we were scuppered by my youngest who wanted me to do something else.

This is a very good book indeed. I boought it a few moths ago and have used some of the techniques. I need to have another look at it just in case I have missed something!
Yes it is a very good book.
It's so so so important to have regular, alone time with your w, away from Children. Romance, love notes, candle lit dinner..you know the rest..
I had thought you had re-ignited some fire by now!
Compliments would help as well.
Good luck xx

Last edited by Chamomile; 1st May 2011 at 06:44 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 1st May 2011, 07:40 PM   #368
Raymond
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by david View Post

Her father is a trained counsellor and has a masters degree in communication. He has chosen not to get involved. It might be worth talking to him to see at least if he would be prepared to talk to her or call in to see her and try to see what is going on in her mind.
I think it might be worth it as well. If he could tackle her unforgiveness it is certainly worth a try.
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Old 2nd May 2011, 07:05 PM   #369
david
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Re: Help me

Today I decided to tell my parents what was happening. It was very hard to do and I cried when I told them. My parents told me that they loved me and they were pleased that I had told them. It was the hardest thing that I have had to do.

I told my wife what I had done. I suppose it makes her decision easier.
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Old 5th May 2011, 03:41 PM   #370
stepgrah
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Re: Help me

David,
Am so sorry that you are still going through this. It was brave of you to reach out to your mum and dad and am really happy that they told you they loved you as we all really need to hear that.
You talk about this making your wifes decision easier, but you still need to understand that you can exercise control over this, but it will need a decision from you as well. Do you still want to save the marriage or do you want to move forwards for yourself?
You are such a good guy in a hellish position and I unfortunately am too aware of how much it hurts day in and day out. Make sure you are still taking care of yourself okay!
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Old 5th May 2011, 07:20 PM   #371
david
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Re: Help me

Today my father told me that my mother has weeks to live. I know that she is glad that I told her.
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Old 6th May 2011, 12:56 PM   #372
Raymond
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Re: Help me

That's good David. It's good that you were able to share that with them as your parents.
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Old 6th May 2011, 03:48 PM   #373
Chamomile
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by stepgrah View Post
David,

You talk about this making your wifes decision easier, but you still need to understand that you can exercise control over this, but it will need a decision from you as well. Do you still want to save the marriage or do you want to move forwards for yourself?
I think, it is bound to have a whole host of complex emotions involved. Perhaps, guilt (somewhat he had failed to keep her happy?) self-doubts, feeling depressed about the situation..
This could be just me but I tend to pick up that his priority is keeping the family together, not necessarily, the focus is on the future as the couple. Children fly off the nest sooner or later and probably his wife is more aware of that transition and maybe she thinks more about what she may need and want as a woman or a person, not necessarily as "Mum" all the time.
Marriage is so complicated. Probably, it is the hardest challenge in life when things don't go as planned by two separate individuals. I'm hoping David won't keep blaming himself for this. I don't think it's healthy if he's been doing this to himself imho.
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Old 8th May 2011, 06:56 AM   #374
david
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Re: Help me

My dad ask my wife to go and see him with my mum, just to have a chat.

We agreed that I would also go. We had a good open pleasant discussion. We were more open and honest and I could tell my wife why things in my opinion had gone wrong. She listened. This conversation should have taken place months ago, and is the first time that she had discussed our situation with ayone. That's sad.

She does though want a divorce. I have left the door open.

She now wants to tells her parents, maybe I should be there for that as well.

I think it's all over, but of course actions do speak louder than words and she still has to tell the children. She plans to do this in early July after the A levels.

There is always hope, and I haven't given up on her, but it's not looking good. She accepts that I have changed but feels it's too late as the love has gone.
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Old 9th May 2011, 01:01 PM   #375
Raymond
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Re: Help me

You need to keep working to the end, if it is the end, David. Did any talk of forgiveness come up in the talk with your parents? It will be good for her to get to that place for her own benefit if nothing else. Maybe you could ask for her forgiveness without putting any pressure on her that it means you have to stay togethe? Treating it as a seperate issue that needs to be sorted for her long term benefit if nothing else?
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