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Old 28th March 2011, 05:12 PM   #301
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Its the old thing of her not wanting you, but not wanting you to have a life without her.Strange that she should accuse you of betraying her. How did she work that one out? Isnt it her leaving you?
You are so right there.

It sound like that this lady has a very deep rooted issue. So, her "Daddy" was always her No 1 and she's unable to place her husband at the centre of her heart and she rejects him. Yet, she also expects her estranged husband to be loyal to her after rejecting him...There's something very infantile thinking going on there...
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Old 28th March 2011, 06:23 PM   #302
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I think that is a good point Chamomile. It was touched on a little at the beginning but I had forgotten it.

I think you need to posture yourself for the future Steve. One with a life without her. Two in case she does see her need of you and wants to keep the marriage with you. If that happens I think you need to let her do the running. I think it is important that she opens up to you herself and that you don't accept her back on the old status quo. She embarrassed herself by objecting to you going out but it could show that something is having an affect and that she needs more of the same medicine.
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Old 28th March 2011, 07:02 PM   #303
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Its impossible to compete with a dead idol, who she sees as perfect.
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Old 30th March 2011, 02:05 PM   #304
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Major argument with my wife and her mother last night. MY youngest called me about some stuff that she needed last night. SO I called her back and she told me that she had been told by her mother and grandmother that I had banned my wife from our house.

I gave it an hour to calm down then I went round there and spoke to both my wife and her mother. I told them that it is a disgrace the way they are playing with my daughters heads and that if this abuse continues then I will call in the authorities to look into it.

I then called in my youngest and in front of them told her that my home is her home and her mothers home and that her mother is always welcome no matter what time of day or night.

When I was leaving I told my wife to grow up and start thinking about her children and her ongoing relationship with them once they work her out. I also told her mother to butt out otherwise I would seek a legal solution to her interferance.
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Old 30th March 2011, 08:48 PM   #305
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Well done Steve. I am not sure about threatening the authorities though.
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Old 30th March 2011, 09:00 PM   #306
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Goodness, what is she playing at lying to her children like that?
I wouldnt blame the mum too much, because she is probably being told things that Just arent true, like your children. I guess your wife is trying to make you look bad to deflect the blame from herself. I know others who have done that and it isnt nice.Stay strong.
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Old 31st March 2011, 12:11 PM   #307
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

It's even more upsetting when someone you used to love, care and cherish for so long over a number of years, eventually turn into your worst enemy this way. And, to try to influence your children by giving them lies about you is so hurtful. Not sure, maybe this may warrant as a domestic abuse? (you know domestic violence is not just physical..?)
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Old 7th April 2011, 08:35 AM   #308
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Folks,
Good morning to you, been a short while since I posted sas things had sort of normalised a little. All that has changed in the last week again and Chamomile and all it is amazing how indeed you can love someone so much and then they turn into your worst enemy.
A week agao my youngest who I still have was going to Paris for a few days with the school. I was meant to have her for 3 days but I agreed that my wife could have her the last night before she went away as when she returned yesterday I would be having her for another 3 days.
I also said to my wife that she could come round to dinner when my daughter returned in order that the littlwe one could excietedly tell her parents together about the trip and also have dinner. I even extended this to us meeting her together from the coach.
SO last night came and we did indeed meet her and I made dinner. For 3 hours we laughed as she told stories and shared photos. I went to wash the dishes and left my wife alone with her. 10 minutes later my wife came through saying that my daughter was confused as to where her home was and as a result had asked to go away with her last night! I was absolutely livid and told my wife that she had really betrayed me! She said that she was powerless to help my girl understand what was her true home and that we needed to respect her opinion.
I calmed down nd got my daughter in for a chat. She was upset and had been told by my wife that this home (the family home) was no longer her home and that she was tired and just wanted to leave. I had no choice but to let her go and said we'd catch up today and see how she felt. When they were leaving I spoke to my wife and told her how betrayed I was considering how reasonable I have been through this whole thing. She said I was a fool and that I should be thankful she allws me to live here and that if I cared for the kids and her I'd leave. I said no way, but would happily leave along with the furniture when it was sold.
Anyway this morning she came round very early to discuss last night. I tol;d her we had absolutely nothing to discuss and that I had no trust in her. I asked her to leave. She said I was now going to feel the pain of having to deal with a solicitor, so I said I was very happy to hear that. You know what folks I AM!!!

I have nothing left inside for this woman now other than anger over the headgames. She's a complete fool and someday this will come back to haunt her. I may lose in the short term but in the long term I will be okay.

Ona another note i have made lots of new friends and have been having wonderful weekends which my wife also texted me about saying that I was embarrassing the family by being seen out. It;s all about control with her i think. She doesn't care for me but just wants to continue to control me. SHE CAN FORGET IT!
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Old 7th April 2011, 09:35 AM   #309
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

yes Steve, thats just about it. She doesnt want you, but she doesnt want you to have any sort of life, or even to have a good relationship with your children it seems. Yes she is controlling and manipulative, and if it comes it it you will need to be the one who stops this as she never will I suspect.

Maybe you need to tell her not to text you unless it is specifically to do with the children, and then she cant tell you off for actually wanting a life. I think she is still wanting to control your life even from a distance. She has chosen to leave you, and therefore she really has no right to tell you off for going out and enjoying yourself. Maybe she thinks that you need to stay at home and cry all day. Its very sad that part of her manipulation is badly affecting the children, and for her to say that it is you being selfish because you should leave you own home is quite incredible!

Time will tell if she divorces you or not, but what grounds does she have? She may have to wait for a 2 year seperation before she can do anything.It seems that you are doing all the trying and giving, she she is doing nothing to make this better, and a lot to make it worse.

Last edited by chosen; 7th April 2011 at 09:45 AM.
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Old 7th April 2011, 12:13 PM   #310
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

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Time will tell if she divorces you or not, but what grounds does she have? She may have to wait for a 2 year seperation before she can do anything.It seems that you are doing all the trying and giving, she she is doing nothing to make this better, and a lot to make it worse.
It is a very deeply intriguing and sad situation. I do sincerely feel saddened for Steve as many people naturally would be.
Hope this does not sound too derogatory to anyone and Steve, I notice that there's something very similar to "financial domination" in her behaviour.

"Financial Domination is when people, usually slaves and submissive men, pay or tribute money to a Dominant Female....True financial domination means that the slave tributes money of his own volition without expecting anything in return. Often, the Lady humiliates the slave verbally while he tributes Her.
Many financial slaves tribute on a weekly or daily basis, as well as buy their Ladies gifts whenever told to or whenever they feel it necessary. Often a financial slave will take it upon himself to adopt a Mistress' bill which he will pay faithfully every month for Her
"

I was the one who was deprived financially in my marriage.lol So I can say in my experience that there will be a serious harm in whichever end of spectrum anyone would end up in..Marriage just can't work in those situations. I know it is all about "control". We are due to start MC and this will be one of the main.

Obviously, your wife is very skilled at her practice and she does not want to let go of her stable incomes, ongoing help and emotional support etc.
When I say, she is skilled, she knows just about what it takes to keep you interested in her stable by offering you chocolates or friendly gestures. You would start to think there's more and she gives you an impression that she's ready to offer much more. She has changed etc but I doubt it. She shows her anger when you enjoy yourself as she tries to keep a tight rein in every aspect of your life. That is a Narcissistic personality. Her life is driven by excessive self-love and egotistic view on how things should be.

It's good to see that you realize that what she's been up to and it takes courage. She doesn't deserve you. She probably needs some long-term professional help.





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Old 7th April 2011, 01:01 PM   #311
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Wow you have really thought about this Chamomile with the analysis you have given. There are probably elements of truth in it from what we have been hearing.

She said I was now going to feel the pain of having to deal with a solicitor.

Wow this is a new side. Where is this coming from? You have been so reasonable in everything Steve. Didn't you know you was supposed to keep looking after her financially while not relating to her?

Yes your youngest will be confused as to where her true home is but your wife's manipulation is not helping her one bit. All I can say is continue to act fairly and try not to get bitter against her as this will hurt you and the children in the long run. We shall see what this pain from the solicitor turns out to be.

What amazes me is that she has not once reneged in her attitude of not relating to you or even tried to work on the marriage with all the opportunities she has had. You need to keep civil for the sake of the children as an arrangement will have to be made. How old is your youngest out of curiosity?
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Old 8th April 2011, 08:19 AM   #312
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Folks,
Yesterday was a major day with my youngest, she is 13 1/2 by the way. WE sat down and she started to talk to me about the impact all of this is having on her and the pressure that she feels living between two homes etc. She said that she is indeed confused about what clothes and school stuff etc tht she needs in each house.
I listened for over an hour to what she ws telling me and it was not good to hear. She is angry at both her mother and I for not sorting this out in a way that means we can stay together as a family. I pointed out that her mother and I love both her an her sister to bits and that will never ever change. I said that right now unfortunately as a husband and wife we seem to be unable to sort things out and that that is maybe down to hurt that we both feel. I told her that once the hurt dies down and that as people her mum and I re-look at things then anything is possible.
I did however say that that may take a very very long time, but in the meantime what we needed to do as a mum and dad was a better job thn we have been and that is building nice environments for our daughters and that I'd be speaking with her mum about how we can do that.
Later on in the evening after we had had a lovely middle day and laughter I asked her if she wanted to call her mum to say goodninght as I knew her mum would like it. Withing 10 minutes of thr call starting she was upset and crying and apparently so was my wife. They were arguing about a missing pair of shoes where my wife lives and the fact that m,y daughters stuff keeps getting moved around.
I cancelled the call till they both calmed down. After 15 minutes I got her to call again so that they could both properly say goodnight. THen she came and watched som TV with me till I was satisfied she was completely okay.
As for the solicitor, to be hnest Raymond I seriously having nothing to fear from that. NO matter what I am left with at the end of the process, I can start again. As long as I have time with my kids then my life is good and that is the way I see it! MY wife anyway was referring to a retraining order that she says she can have put in place at any time just by telling them that she is in fear of me and that my children are under threat. I have already spoken through various scenarios with a solicitor and this was one of thise as my wife has thretened me with the kids issue before. I have absolutely no fears! My wife however is a schoolteacher and if she did stupidly try anything like this then I have already told her I'd gith it in court and am sure her employers would not look kindly upon this.

To be clear I have from the start wanted absolutely none of this to happen, I still hate it. I do however know that I have had to accept a lot of this and indeed each day I am getting stronger. YEs I still even now love my wife, but we could never be together now unless she did some serious work on herslf and we as a couple sorted things out.
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Old 8th April 2011, 08:47 AM   #313
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

You are a good father Steve. Your youngest is older than I thought. Before long she will be able to make her own decisions where she wants to be. The restraining order sounds ridiculous but I would take it seriously and not be caught off guard. You have nothing to worry about as both the children should be able to speak for themselves, but it is as well to be alert for your own protection. This thread is a very good history of what is really going on.

It is sad for your daughter in that she thinks you should make it up. The trouble is it takes two and she has said she does not want to relate to you so what can you do? The way she is behaving now is a long way from any reconciliation it seems.

I see your wife as a spoilt child just now who wants to create a stink because she is not getting her way. In a way it seemed inevitable that you would get to this point. One could see it in the posts. Everything was the school and marriage was nowhere it seemed. Without her full commitment something had to break I think.

She seems at the stage where she is preparing to throw legal things at you and all I see is a faithful husband and a loving father. It baffles belief really.
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Old 9th April 2011, 12:12 AM   #314
SteveS
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Yes I do understand this. All the stuff she says will confuse you. This is the woman you started a family with but she has met someone else. Prepare to be lied to and stabbed in the back repeatedly.
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Old 9th April 2011, 10:48 AM   #315
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I agree to some extent if adultery may not be quite so in this situation?

In a way, husband has served his long standing role to his wife, bringing all he was able to provide to his wife and the family in years (not just in a material sense but in all levels). He loves her unreservedly and he's a devoted husband. Wife does not want a divorce but she no longer wishes to have a relationship with him. She is at least, very clear as to setting her boundaries to Steve.

Probably she does not want a divorce for various reasons discussed before but also one of them could also be vanity..she may enjoy the perception of others that she is seen as a capable woman that she is working full-time and looking after a happy home life. It's a good image to have in her work environment.
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