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Old 18th March 2011, 02:02 PM   #271
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

You must carry on until it changes, if it ever does. You have to accept that she might not change. What you are doing is your best chance. It is her choice really. She doesn't want a relationship with you and has to know what this means. It is good that there are signs that she won't be able to use you. I think that is good. It is slavery to be in tow to others opinions and to what they think instead of being yourself and being a good wife. We all love the good opinion of others but not at the cost of not being who we are. That must come first. Yours is the opinion that should matter most to her. In that sense she has deserted you.

You are a good father from what you have shared. Well done for reading to your youngest. This is important. My wife does a bit of this voluntarily at the local school. A lot of the children she listens to don't get it at home and are considered slow learners.
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Old 18th March 2011, 02:45 PM   #272
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Raymond,
My point is just that. My youngest has a learning difficulty which her mother should be able to help her, but is too busy helping other peoples kids and getting the adolation for that.
She really does not get it at all and i have been direct and telling her.
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Old 18th March 2011, 06:41 PM   #273
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Hope the penny drops one day soon.
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Old 18th March 2011, 11:20 PM   #274
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

THings are just getting progressivly worse now. MY youngest and I were meant to be going out tomorrow. My wife called a few minutes ago and stated that she needs to collect my daughter at 10am. DUring the call I asked her why she was now being rude. SHe told me that I deserved nothing better for the 17 years total of misery that I apparently have put her through.
I said that all I wished to do ws get and and asked her what she wanted to do? She said that I had said the sentences incorrectly and started to lecture me on the way I was speaking. In the end I just said to her that I thought she was being childish to which she said I was trying to be manipulative. I responded that she needs to actually hear to what people say rather than try and fit it into a vox.
She then told me that we have never gotten on which is why she left me. I said that she has always said to me and to the counselor and even on texts that we get on. She said that she was lying to try and protect everyones feelings. She then said that we will have absolutely no contact apart from the children and I think this is the best idea she has had to date.
I don't need to be treated like this by her or anyone else. SO my day tomorrow is now ruined with my daughter and you know what folks, I will never ever forgive her for that!It's not as though she has anything planned for the whole day, just a 30 minute piano lesson.
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Old 19th March 2011, 09:05 AM   #275
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

You need to tell her that you have planned a day out with your daughter, and that there is no way she is going to collect her at 10am and make sure that you and your daughter are out when she gets there. Make sure you have your day out with your daughter. The piano lesson can wait till she is back with her mother.If it is your time with her then you need to tell her that. Failing that can you take her to her piano lesson and go out afterwards? Not only is she hurting you, she is messing your children about.
Dont let her control and manipulate you all like this.
Her behaviour is appalling. She is blamimg you for all of her faults and mistakes. She is projecting her guilt onto you.Its probably the only way that she can cope with the guilt of putting her job above her marriage and children.
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Old 20th March 2011, 01:05 PM   #276
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I have been following this thread.

It did make me wonder if this relationship has reached to a point where you may need some independent party (whoever it would be?) to inject some "ground rules" as regards to arrangement with your children, to make things bearable for all parties..?

From what I read, am I sensing some deep seated resentment and hostility (or even hate?) in your separated wife? I do accolade this lady who had kept her financial independence and her devotion to her own career. At this stage, it would be necessary to force yourself to find the common ground and move on as amicably as possible, for the sake of sanity of all parties? Just my opinion.. With my sympathies....
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Old 20th March 2011, 07:12 PM   #277
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Is financial independance and devotion to career more important than being a good wife and mother and keeping the family together? .In my view it comes a very poor second.We have seen in this familys situation, that being devoted to one thing, can lead to the breakdown of another much more important thing.
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Old 21st March 2011, 07:57 AM   #278
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Chamomile/CHosen etc thanks for the comments. WIth regard to my wife's financial independence, this has been facilitated y me paying every single bill related to our house etc. We have nt spoken or talked to each other now since my daughter was collected on Saturday and she was in a pretty upset state when she did collect her.
I spoke with her and she admitted that her job is killing her, but then she also said that I had no idea how complex her life has become since leaving. I agree that we may need to formalise the arrangements regarding the children at some point, but what is needed at the moment is distance probably and let my wife continue to get a clearer understanding on what she needs to do to move forwards.
I suspect that with the Easter break coming up that I will see some activity then a she normally only does things during school breaks sa she cannot cope during term time.

On another note I went out on Saturday night with a social group and had the most fantastic evening, not getting back in until 2am in the morning and then out at 8 for golf. It is years since I did anything like that so it was just good to blow away the cobwebs.
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Old 21st March 2011, 10:25 AM   #279
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Steve,its sad to hear her say that her job is killing her, when all you want is for her to LEAVE IT. She is making it sound as if you are forcing her to stay there!
As for her life being complex since she left.... ummm wasnt it HER who left YOU? The things she says are quite astounding sometimes.She does something and then blames you for it! I do think that it is good that you are keeping away, as it seems to be enabling her to see more clearly the mess she has made, and that ending the marriage isnt going to suddenly make things better, but worse.

Its odd that when many wives work, the husband still has to pay the bills.My husbands former wife did this. She wanted to be independant,went back to work full time, and yet all of her money went on her own luxuries, and savings in her own account, and he still had to carry on providing all the money for the bills, food, cars etc. Seems odd to me, and that isnt being independant is it.

Good that you are getting out and about, I am sure it will help you.
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Old 21st March 2011, 11:31 AM   #280
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by stepgrah View Post
I agree that we may need to formalise the arrangements regarding the children at some point, but what is needed at the moment is distance probably and let my wife continue to get a clearer understanding on what she needs to do to move forwards.
I suspect that with the Easter break coming up that I will see some activity then a she normally only does things during school breaks sa she cannot cope during term time.

On another note I went out on Saturday night with a social group and had the most fantastic evening, not getting back in until 2am in the morning and then out at 8 for golf. It is years since I did anything like that so it was just good to blow away the cobwebs.
Pleased to hear that you had an excellent Saturday night after all this.

Sometimes, it's much easier to just "let go" and forget about the "bad stuff" when the chaos takes hold.

Acceptance may be necessary as people usually do not change unless they want to, for themselves..and usually when ppl feel "criticized", it would makes the matter much worse..

As regards to her career, maybe, this is something deep rooted in her upbringing. I kind of, do understand where your wife may be coming from..it could be some sort of peer pressure too. In US or UK, women who have no decent work/career etc do face quite a bit of pressure from outside, be it from a spouse, society etc despite various one's circumstances e.g. illness, looking after children etc. In my experience, anyway.
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Old 21st March 2011, 11:41 AM   #281
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post

Its odd that when many wives work, the husband still has to pay the bills.My husbands former wife did this. She wanted to be independant,went back to work full time, and yet all of her money went on her own luxuries, and savings in her own account, and he still had to carry on providing all the money for the bills, food, cars etc. Seems odd to me, and that isnt being independant is it.
Well, in my analysis, that is something to do with, "I am not dependent on my husband" and "I'm perfectly capable of doing this", which may gain far more respect from her husband who would admire her financial independence and her ability to make her own money.

I would think, in my relationship, my OH had thought he wouldn't need to pay so much for us and I would never ask him to pay for this or pay for that..and I believe he enjoyed his money being his own entirely. I made the mistake of making his life much easier and did not gain any respect from taking the initiative to pay for myself when we used to live together.
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Old 21st March 2011, 11:49 AM   #282
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

chamomile I agree that there is pressure to work, and to put that above our children and husbands, and that is so sad, and will often lead to regret later in life. People often say what do you do?, or what is your job?, and its hard not to feel appolgetic when you answer, and not to say "I'm only a mother/.housewife" as if that wasnt important!!!

When my children were younger, I only worked part time (cleaning) out of sheer necessity, while they were at playschool or school, and a few years ago, my son, who is now 32, said that it was far more important for him to have me at home, and to be there when he came out of school and when he was ill etc, than it was for us to have had more money.That made me feel so good and in the end my marriage and children are far more important to me than any job that will pass at retirement and then will be gone.

What do people usually say on their death bed? Not I wish I has spent more time at work, but I wish I had spent more time with my family

As a Christian I am at least comforted to know that God highly values motherhood and being a good wife, and keeping the family going. His values are the opposite of societies values.

Many of my friends did work full time when the9ir children were young, and most didnt need to. Their husbands earned far more than mine did at that time in most cases, and we managed. I suppose we spend time on what is important to us dont we, and in Steves wives case that seems to be her job.
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Old 21st March 2011, 11:54 AM   #283
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Well, in my analysis, that is something to do with, "I am not dependent on my husband" and "I'm perfectly capable of doing this", which may gain far more respect from her husband who would admire her financial independence and her ability to make her own money.

I would think, in my relationship, my OH had thought he wouldn't need to pay so much for us and I would never ask him to pay for this or pay for that..and I believe he enjoyed his money being his own entirely. I made the mistake of making his life much easier and did not gain any respect from taking the initiative to pay for myself when we used to live together.
For me and my husband, marriage is all about everything being 'ours' and not 'yours' or 'mine' We share everything.We have joint accounts and
no matter who earns what it belongs to both of us. My husband respects me whether I work or not, his love and respect for me has nothing to do with how much I earn or what job I do or dont do, but for me as a person, and as his wife.
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Old 21st March 2011, 05:27 PM   #284
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
For me and my husband, marriage is all about everything being 'ours' and not 'yours' or 'mine' We share everything.We have joint accounts and
no matter who earns what it belongs to both of us. My husband respects me whether I work or not, his love and respect for me has nothing to do with how much I earn or what job I do or dont do, but for me as a person, and as his wife.
That sounds like your husband give you the full trust in you.
I do get to hear that's how things work with most couples.

I have to agree with you and it is necessary to be open for any relationship to flourish.
In my marriage, I did discuss this but that we never managed to get to the point. My spouse would be perfectly happy if he continued to act like a single man keeping all his money to himself and I simply pay my way.
I should think, that is his need for a control. He is simply welcome to it.
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Old 21st March 2011, 05:45 PM   #285
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post

What do people usually say on their death bed? Not I wish I has spent more time at work, but I wish I had spent more time with my family

As a Christian I am at least comforted to know that God highly values motherhood and being a good wife, and keeping the family going. His values are the opposite of societies values.

Many of my friends did work full time when the9ir children were young, and most didnt need to. Their husbands earned far more than mine did at that time in most cases, and we managed. I suppose we spend time on what is important to us dont we, and in Steves wives case that seems to be her job.
I completely agree with you and your spiritual values.

It's really difficult to say. Certainly this society will make anyone feel worthless if she's not working and ppl wonder if there's something wrong with "her".
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