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Old 6th December 2005, 02:03 PM   #1
woodywasp
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relationship

A few months back now my Wife and I split up and for a time I was devastasted but knowing there was no going back I decided to go in for a divorce which has been a slow and tedious process.
After some time had passed I met someone else who for purposes of this thread I will refer to as T
T told me she was separated and going through a divorce I did not feel it my business to pry and I took her at her word thinking that if she wanted to talk about things she would do so in her own time. After a while into the relationship , I discovered quite by accident that T was not separated and was actually living and working with her husband . My self confidence took a serious knock and all sorts of thoughts ran through my mind. I decided to confront T and ask her the truth and she confirmed she was married but was leaving her husband. So for a time I walked away and T as good as her word did leave her Husband and went to stay with a friend.
T continues to work for her Husband whilst I accept this situation recently T and I have started to argue mainly becuase of her appalling time keeping. T Was supposed to be going to dinner with me on Tuesday but did not show up, but she turned up on wednesday but then stayed just 1 hour, then she turned up unaanounced on the friday and as such we arranged to go out for something to eat the following evening , T turned up in the middle of the day but then told me she could not make the evening and she would see me the following morning and would be staying over. So on Saturday evening I cleaned my house from top to bottom and again phoned the family restaurant and told them I would be dining with them on the Sunday evening, Sunday morning came and she turned up 1 hour late and then also told me she would not be stopping as she had a early start the next morning. At this point I pointed out to her that I felt a bit of a mug and that I had , had enough of this carry on.
We left each other on bad terms but I spoke to her the following evening and she seemed to have just taken it all on the chin. I am unsure really whether to continue with the relationship, I care about T a lot but at the same time I do not want to carry on been let down. T tells me she finds it hard to express and show her feelings but she does love me . I just wonder whether I should cut my losses now or carry on . I do care a great deal about T but feel frustrated whenever I have told T this she just tells me things will improve in time, she cannot give me what she feels I want at this time and she is confused !!!!
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Old 7th December 2005, 12:42 PM   #2
Concerned Reader
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 59
Re: relationship

Quote:
I decided to confront T and ask her the truth and she confirmed she was married but was leaving her husband. So for a time I walked away and T as good as her word did leave her Husband and went to stay with a friend.
But these are not very good words, are they?

She has cheated on a man to whom she is married and, for all you know, is the innocent sap in this. You have become the 'other man' though; and that role is far beneath you.

Do yourself a big favour - mix out of this woman's life now, otherwise you will have the next twenty years full of low-grade drama and wondering if she is telling lies to you about who she is seeing and where she actually is. After which, you will still have to junk it only you'll be years older and poorer.

I get to meet dozens of desirable, good looking, educated, sane and thoroughly wonderful young women. Every one of them is looking for the real thing; a partner who really means it and can make a go of a proper marriage. You could have your pick of them and a wonderful life, but you will have to say 'no' to this rubbish stuff first, then go out and look more purposefully for the person you want to spend your life with.

You deserve better.
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Old 28th December 2005, 05:25 PM   #3
woodywasp
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Re: relationship

Hmmmm I thought long and hard about what you had said in your reply. After a lot of thought I decided to listen to part of your advice and to take a step back which I did and to my suprise much to my suprise T came running after me. So we sat down and we had a long chat and I told her how I felt in general over things and I decided to hear her out . Things have moved on from that point T eventually found her own place and we decided to stay together both of us are two very lonely souls and both of us have come through marriages which were not right and meant to be . I did think that T's husband might well be a poor sap until one day when she was out with me walking through a woods and he phoned her. He demanded to know where she was even though they are now separated when she refused to tell him he then got his son to phone her , and ask her where she was , he then phoned her back again to ask her who she was with. I will give T her due she kept me out of it and decided not to file for a divorce against her husband until after Christmas to enable her children to have at least one happy christmas. I realise that many many people will sit in judgement of both T and indeed myself for seeing a married woman however I have had more than my fair share of unhappiness in my life with a broken marriage which I fought long and hard to save and in addition to this Thyroid cancer. So all the people who do sit in judgement of me are entitled to do so as it is free will however before judging me they should take a long hard look at their own lives as at this moment in time I am happy something I have not been for a long time and I will take happiness where ever and however I have to as I know we are a long time dead
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Old 28th December 2005, 06:20 PM   #4
jools
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 570
Re: relationship

Hi Woodywasp

Don't worry I'm not going to judge you. Can I ask though that you also don't judge her husband?
Quote:
I did think that T's husband might well be a poor sap until one day when she was out with me walking through a woods and he phoned her. He demanded to know where she was even though they are now separated when she refused to tell him he then got his son to phone her , and ask her where she was , he then phoned her back again to ask her who she was with.
You make him sound like some mad man for doing this. What I hear, however, is a desperate man who doesn't want to lose his wife. Much like you were feeling 4 months ago?
Quote:
I will give T her due she kept me out of it and decided not to file for a divorce against her husband until after Christmas to enable her children to have at least one happy christmas.
Why should she mention you? It's easier to lie when trying to avoid confrontation. I mean she was lying to you in the initial stages of your relationship, so you know how easy she finds it. Also, it sound like the children already know what's on the horizon. Don't they wonder why their mother has moved out? "At least one more happy Christmas"? Oh purlease!
Quote:
I realise that many many people will sit in judgement of both T and indeed myself for seeing a married woman however I have had more than my fair share of unhappiness in my life with a broken marriage which I fought long and hard to save and in addition to this Thyroid cancer.
We won't judge you...but neither should you try to justify it. The logic of the above statement is that you have suffered so it's OK to grab happiness even if it causes other people to suffer. If you're gonna do it, do it! But don't try to sanctify it!

The whole tone of your posting is defensive and it sounds to me like you're trying to justify things to yourself...while defying us to judge you at the same time. Don't worry I won't.
Jools.
________

Last edited by Liz; 20th May 2013 at 06:47 PM.
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Old 7th January 2006, 01:41 AM   #5
woodywasp
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Re: relationship

Thank you for your reply, Things did turn sour After a while you are right in the fact that I suppose I was trying to justify things to myself deep down I think I already knew the relationship could only go one way. I was desperately unhappy and tried to grab some happiness somewhere ,anywhere after a while I came sort of to my senses , over the Christmas period T met some members of my family and got very drunk, I was quite surprised by the fact since she hardly knew anything about my family it was then I began to question things and I realised that there is too sides to every story and things began to unravel before me that I was not happy about. I kept on wondering why T did not come and see me when she was only living a few miles away, she would arrange to meet me and then not turn up so one night I turned up enexpectadly to find here quite the worse for wear due to alcohol. I also kept finding empty bottles of Vodka and other spirits , I talked to T about this and she became very defensive. She invited my Mother over to her house one evening and when my Mother called in to see her she also found her very drunk. So I decided to leave T alone and went back home , I realised that her Husband was trying to get back with his Wife and that the problem my not be with the Husband after all I had only heard T's side of the story and the truth dawned on me that perhaps T had some problem that her husband had tried to address and hence this was why she was defying him or trying to hurt him and that my own lonliness and pain had let me let my guard down and had allowed me to see things through rose tinted glasses after all. I do not want to hurt like I do and I also realise that you are right and that her Husband no matter what does not deserve hurting either and so after a lot of thought and soul searching I have backed right off. It has not been an easy decision to make because of the way I feel about losing my own wife and son in circumstances which were beyond my control. I am in the middle of a hoorendous divorce and have been very badly hurt myself but two wrongs do not make a right and perhaps given time I will be able to move on to a more fulfilling relationship which is ultimately all I have wanted all along. I also found out that the tumour I had was a heriditary tumour and I have passed this to my son so I have felt quite down about this also and after speaking to my Doctor and a councillor opted to have a vasectomy today which is something I did not want to do but felt it would be very selfish to bring another child into the world risking giving him or her the terrible legacy which I have managed to pass onto my son.

Finally I do appreciate what you have said and knew this all along but am I so bad for wanting to find some happiness after all the heartache I have felt myself. I admit that I should not have done it at someone elses expense however .
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