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Old 22nd September 2010, 09:36 PM   #1
gtyrel
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I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi,

i am new here and i was kinda just looking around online for somewhere to help me. My fiancee left our home 17 days ago, and i am just in a state. We are engaged to be married in 19months with all the wedding booked and planned.

but two weeks ago he left and said he needed time to think and he loved me and just wanted time. since then i have seen him a few times and he calls and emails all day everyday but still wont say what is happening. We havent told anyone apart from my parents and his and when i ask him if he wants me to cancel the wedding he always says no.

But i am now in such a mess i have no idea what to do i just seem to spend everyday crying endlessly!i dont know what to think or do, and i just seem to spend everyday hoping that he will want to see me or anything.

Please don't feel you need to reply i just need to get everything out because i feel all this stuff has been building up inside for so long and i am really struggling with it all.

thanks for reading anyway
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Old 22nd September 2010, 09:51 PM   #2
jools
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

I'm not surprised you're in a state! Without knowing more about you and your relationship though it's impossible to guess what's happened here? Just a few questions here to help shed light on the situation (if you don't mind).
!) How old are you?
2) How long have you been together?
3) Have there been any added stresses within the relationship (apart from the forthcoming wedding)
4) Has he "cooled" towards you physically?
5) Whose idea was it to get married?

I'm guessing that the forthcoming wedding has had a lot to do with his need to think - but he's being very cruel and selfish, and could at least include you in his thought process. Is there any chance that he's met someone else? If you answer some of these questions and give as much detail as possible then it might be easier to give a more constructive response.
Love Jools XX
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Old 22nd September 2010, 10:08 PM   #3
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Quote:
Originally Posted by jools View Post
I'm not surprised you're in a state! Without knowing more about you and your relationship though it's impossible to guess what's happened here? Just a few questions here to help shed light on the situation (if you don't mind).
!) How old are you?
2) How long have you been together?
3) Have there been any added stresses within the relationship (apart from the forthcoming wedding)
4) Has he "cooled" towards you physically?
5) Whose idea was it to get married?

I'm guessing that the forthcoming wedding has had a lot to do with his need to think - but he's being very cruel and selfish, and could at least include you in his thought process. Is there any chance that he's met someone else? If you answer some of these questions and give as much detail as possible then it might be easier to give a more constructive response.
Love Jools XX
Hi sorry, i am not even thinking straight just babbling sorry.

I am 25 he is 29. we have been together 4 years, and have been engaged for 2 he proposed 3 years ago however his dad passed away within 2 weeks of us getting engaged so we cancelled the wedding plans and then once things calmed down after the shock of loosing his dad we bought our first home together.

On the day that his dad passed away, i discovered he was seeing someone else, but with loosing his dad the same day i couldnt just walk away from him. We finally talked about things and he said this girl was just a friend and never anything more and he just never told me about her because he thought i would think the worse.

i always struggled about this, and i know it is my fault he has left i just never let that go. I always believe that he didnt do anything with that girl but it was just the lieing to me that has annoyed me. so whenever we argued i always brought this up.

i know its my fault he has gone but i just dont know what to do and i just cant stop crying or even hold it together long enough when we speak.

Thank you for responding
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Old 22nd September 2010, 10:33 PM   #4
jools
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi Gtyrel
Are you aware of how apologetic you are to everyone? You began by apologising to me and then blamed yourself for everything he's done. So I think you need to stop blaming yourself for everything. There are a couple of elements that could be affecting things here. Firstly the timing of his father's death. That in itself could be enough to make him question things - but it was 3 years ago - so the way he's feeling now is likely to be less affected by that. The thing that rang alarm bells for me was the girl that you mentioned. When I first read your post I wondered whether that was the explanation as it's the most frequent (in fact, usual) cause for people leaving. If she was just a friend - why lie? Sounds like he was seeing this girl before his dad died - which means you'd only been together a year. Is she still a "friend"? Why would you need to be seeing someone else that soon into a relationship? It just doesn't sound right. Out of curiosity, how did you learn of it on the day of his dad's death? Did he feel the need to confess? Always trust your instincts!
Quote:
i always struggled about this, and i know it is my fault he has left i just never let that go.
You were quite right to "struggle" with this and it's NOT your fault he has left. I just hope he can "man up" and tell you face to face what's happening. Good luck and keep us posted.
Jools XX
PS) I'm going to bed now, but I'll look in tomorrow to see how things are. You're not alone. XX
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Old 22nd September 2010, 10:54 PM   #5
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Quote:
Originally Posted by jools View Post
Hi Gtyrel
Are you aware of how apologetic you are to everyone? You began by apologising to me and then blamed yourself for everything he's done. So I think you need to stop blaming yourself for everything. There are a couple of elements that could be affecting things here. Firstly the timing of his father's death. That in itself could be enough to make him question things - but it was 3 years ago - so the way he's feeling now is likely to be less affected by that. The thing that rang alarm bells for me was the girl that you mentioned. When I first read your post I wondered whether that was the explanation as it's the most frequent (in fact, usual) cause for people leaving. If she was just a friend - why lie? Sounds like he was seeing this girl before his dad died - which means you'd only been together a year. Is she still a "friend"? Why would you need to be seeing someone else that soon into a relationship? It just doesn't sound right. Out of curiosity, how did you learn of it on the day of his dad's death? Did he feel the need to confess? Always trust your instincts! You were quite right to "struggle" with this and it's NOT your fault he has left. I just hope he can "man up" and tell you face to face what's happening. Good luck and keep us posted.
Jools XX
PS) I'm going to bed now, but I'll look in tomorrow to see how things are. You're not alone. XX
Thank you for coming back to me. As for that other girl he knew her long before me in affect i was the other women she has been in his life before he even met me. I only learned of it on the day his dad died because we were at my cousins wedding and it was the night before we were all out for dinner and drinking, and he was getting really mad at me. Then i managed to get his phone off him and seen texts from her and to her and it then went to this massive fight.

He has been over to see me a few times and when he comes over he is all kisses and cuddles and telling me he wants it to work and he loves me i think i just worry the longer he is gone the more likely he wont come back!I just would like to be able to stop crying for 5minutes.

Thank you for your help xx
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Old 23rd September 2010, 07:57 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi gtyrel
So are you saying that he was in a relationship with this other lady and started seeing you at the same time? Cos if that is the case, if he has dont that done once he can do it again.
There are red flags here.Why was he secretly texting her at the time of the funeral? What did those texts say(were they very personal or just friendly?)
I do think you need to tell him that this present situation cant go on and that he needs to tell you what is going on once and for all. He seems to be having second thoughts, whether because of this other lady or another reason its hard to say.

I was also wondering why, if you have been engaged for 2 years already, the wedding date was set for so far in advance?. Was that his idea?A 3 1/2 year engagement is very long and could maybe show that he is reluctant.

Last edited by chosen; 23rd September 2010 at 08:03 AM.
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Old 23rd September 2010, 08:40 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

It looks as if there is some double mindedness going on which is no way to enter marriage. The last thing you want is for him to go through with a marriage just because the arrangements have been made.

I think it is better to postpone the marriage until he gets to the place of being single minded which means you only you and nobody else.
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Old 23rd September 2010, 11:41 AM   #8
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Hi gtyrel
So are you saying that he was in a relationship with this other lady and started seeing you at the same time? Cos if that is the case, if he has dont that done once he can do it again.
There are red flags here.Why was he secretly texting her at the time of the funeral? What did those texts say(were they very personal or just friendly?)
I do think you need to tell him that this present situation cant go on and that he needs to tell you what is going on once and for all. He seems to be having second thoughts, whether because of this other lady or another reason its hard to say.

I was also wondering why, if you have been engaged for 2 years already, the wedding date was set for so far in advance?. Was that his idea?A 3 1/2 year engagement is very long and could maybe show that he is reluctant.
Well he has always said that this girl is just his friend and he was friends with her before we met, he always says he was never in any relationship with her. It wasnt at the funeral he was texting we were at my cousins wedding and he was texting her and i seen the texts then that same day we got a call to say we had to get to the hospital because his dad had taken really ill.

When we got engaged 2 years ago we had planned to get married this year however with his dad passing away we stopped planning the wedding, and decided to move in together and not think of the stress of a wedding for awhile. This year things finally started coming together for both of us we got new jobs and thought we now want to have our wedding so we can start planning for the future and eventually start our family once we are married.

we have now booked our wedding for may 2012, it is actually me that wanted to wait to 2012 because i just felt money wise the extra year would be better he wanted it to be 2011 but agreed with me that for money and paying for it 2012 would be the best idea.

i dont know if that helps explain things better, sorry my head is just in such a mess i am know i am not explaining things properly.
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Old 23rd September 2010, 02:21 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Thanks for those answers.They did help to give a clearer picture.
Hmmmm, they dont really give any indication as to why he has left(which is why you are so confused I am sure). He says he needs time to think. You may need to find out what he is thinking about. Is it whether he wants to get married or not? Is it whether he wants to be with you or not? Or is it something else entirely?I do actually think it is very mean of him to just go off with no explanation. No wonder you are upset and confused.In your place, I would want to sit him down and stay there until he confesses as to what is going on. Whether it is good or bad, at least you will know where you are.
If he is having doubts its better to find out now, but it may not be that at all.Surely he owes you an explanation at least.

The problem with living together before marriage, is that he really has no reason to get married in a sense. He has all that he needs without having to make that committment. That is one of the reasons why I believe that living together is very unwise, but thats my opinion and my belief and not yours.
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Old 23rd September 2010, 07:24 PM   #10
jools
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

What did those texts say?
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Old 23rd September 2010, 08:23 PM   #11
koliver0821
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

I hate to say it but it sounds like hes not ready to marry. I have a suggestion on how to handle him the next time he comes around. If you ask me he is cake eating. He knows you will be there for him.

What do you think will happen if you start acting less interested? You may be surprised. To be honest, you dont deserve this and more importantly, it would signify to me a major warning sign prior to marriage.

Sounds like a dog with fleas. You can and will do better. All of that other crap is you making excuses for him.
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Old 24th September 2010, 09:05 PM   #12
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Thank you everyone for your respose.

Chosen: i totally agree we were the exact same and had no plans to live together until we were married. but when his dad died he said he wanted us to be together sooner and we should start looking for a home together because he wanted us to have as much time together as possible. And for two years we held of the wedding but we both wanted to be married to each other and have a family, so thats why the wedding got booked and things. Even since he has left when i asked him did he want me to cancel the wedding his response was 'why would i want to cancel it?' which just makes me more confused.

Jools:the things he was texting were like hope you had nice night out. and he had told her he was at wedding with a friend.

I just have no idea what i should do or how to fix it. and i realy feel like he is the one for me. i no its stupid but i just cant imgaine ever marring anyone else or kids with anyone i no thats pathetic but i just took being engaged as a serious thing and i just didnt think you should walk away so easily but i no i am being daft.

thanks everyone xx
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Old 26th September 2010, 06:47 PM   #13
tom72
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi,

Im sorry you are in this place. The texts and this 'friend' are unusual thats for sure, i guess confronting him has come up with a blank but you obviously still love him very much. He also must love you too if he doesnt want to cancel the wedding. You need to do 2 things, firstly ask him to come back to you, tell him you love him lots and soon his true colours will start to show, then you will know for sure if he really is all for you. Secondly you must try and make a fresh start, dont bring up the past in arguments it makes things so much worse and makes you both bitter in the long run, argue about the issue to hand then try and get one of you to say 'i love you'. (try not to go to bed on a bad note, even if you hate each other at the time just 1 kiss on the head or cheek works wonders in the morning).

Again this is all in my opinion so it may not be the right thing to do.

all the best, Tom
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Old 27th September 2010, 12:40 PM   #14
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Thanks Tom,

I think he now wont come back for us to start doing those things. i have realised since he has been gone that i brought up past arguments way to much. Also he came over on Sat and said how the last month or so we had been arguing alot (my granny passed away we were very close and i was just so angry with the world that i kept taking it out on him). But most weekends we would argue i would tell him to get out the house and he would go to is mums then come back later on and this happened a couple of times and even then i didnt realise that i was probably pushing him away for good.

so as far as he is concerned he gave me those chanes then to show him i really loved him and i didnt no those were my last couple of chances!I just really hope he comes home and can give me one last chance. But at the moment he seems to just want to talk about what will happen if he doesnt come back with our house and car so i asked him if that meant he isnt coming home and he keeps saying no he doesnt no yet he just wants to no what will happen if he doesnt come back.

i just feel so confused and i am starting to panic that he has met someone else now and thats why he isnt even bothered about talking about us.
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Old 27th September 2010, 03:35 PM   #15
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

I am not really sure what to say to help Tom, sorry. But i hope things work out well for both of you and the baby the way that you both want them to.
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