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Old 28th March 2010, 07:58 PM   #1
stevie
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Another loveless pair :-)

Male 46 UK - Wow, i am a touch gob-smacked to find all you guys in the same situation as me in these forums.
I will save you the long version for now - been in a long term sexless and loveless marriage for years - by loveless i mean in a romantic way but i do care for her as a friend and would never wish her any harm. The initial problems in our relationship go back years and as a result the marriage has never been nurtured and has been left to go stale. Many will probably think me cruel and heartless but after the wedding my SO put on masses of weight (about 80lbs) and this was the cause of the original issues for me, ok i admit it i was not attracted to her in the same way - well i can only be honest and say that is serious weight gain. My efforts to help her loose the weight have never succeeded and with no real interest in my looks due to the situation i also piled on weight too over time. For years there has been no love, passion or sex. The problems were left by both of us and pushed to one side without being discussed and i guess that has now made any reconciliation even harder. We have one daughter (21) who we both adore. I broached the subject about 4 years ago and we had a serious heart to heart and the outcome was we still felt we could salvage the marriage and help our love life repair. We both started diets, exercise programs and changed our lifestyle and eating habits. I would like to say it helped but i was the only one who kept up the regime and now i am at my ideal weight, fit, healthy and full of confidence. I should also add that for a long long time i am getting female attention and that is really nice but also very tempting - i hope you can empathise. Unfortunately my SO has put in very little effort and has not changed. The outcome of all this is that i feel cheated, maybe i am seeing this too selfishly but i hoped that by ensuring i kept to the keep fit program she would feel encouraged to keep it going too.

Ok - present day : after years of hoping and staying to keep up appearances there are no changes to the relationship and we have a silver wedding looming in 12 months. This is the worst part for me as i hate living a lie to joe public and i cannot face a big silver wedding party.

Thanks for listening Steve
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Old 28th March 2010, 08:31 PM   #2
jools
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Hi Stevie
Your defensiveness and worry that people on here would have a go at you just suggests that you're a nice guy. You and your wife made the right choices and I can understand your disappointment that she hasn't kept to her end of the bargain. It's my guess that she has NO idea how close her marriage is to falling apart and how likely it is that she will lose you. Please believe me on this one. You've "discussed" things and made decisions but she honestly doesn't realise the danger that your marriage is in. I'm speaking from experience here. Because things have always been a certain way, we assume that they'll always be that way. Here's what you have to do.

If you tell her there's a serious problem in the normal course of the day, it won't really hit home. You have to make a big thing of saying that you want to talk to her and actually take her out to do this. It could be a walk somewhere, if you want privacy. Then drop the bombshell. Tell her that you worry that you won't make the 25th anniversary. Be honest and tell her how you're feeling - but make it clear that your marriage is in peril. Do you think that it's salvageable? If you do, you've got to make it SO clear that you're about to walk - cos it's the only thing that will make her sit up and take notice.

Jools X
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Old 28th March 2010, 08:59 PM   #3
stevie
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

hey jools

cheers for your honest answer, much appreciated. I feel like i have done the 'big thing' if i am honest. We were about to split up last time (4 years ago) when i backed out saying that i was sure we could make it work. So i sort of feel like i am going over the same ground but if others agree with you, maybe i can give it one last shot.

I am deep in thought here, cheers Stevie
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Old 28th March 2010, 09:46 PM   #4
luce
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Hi Stevie,
Coming from my own experience i would say that chances are like Jools says that you and your wife are coming from totally different perspectives right now.

When I talked to my husband after he had left he basically said that the marriage was over anyway and that we werent communicating or working on anything. He said we had never worked on anything. My perspective was a million miles from his - i thought i was blessed to be married to my best friend, i thought we had made many changes over the years and built the quality of our lives. i hadnt noticed the breakdown of communication and i had no clue that i was in a 'marriage that was over'. I knew things were a bit flat but thought it was due to external factors such as pressures of work and didnt give it a great deal of thought.

Had my husband communicated any of this too me in a serious way and i mean in a way that really would have got my attention rather than the odd whine then i would have moved heaven and earth to save my marriage. I adored him. I would have been scared to death and i would have done anything. I would have had our arses into marriage counselling so fast that his feet wouldnt have hit the ground.

But there are some other things here too - I put on a lot of wieght then lost it through slimming club and gym and then i put it all back on very rapidly. On reflection i can see that my weight piled back on when my marriage started to fall apart. My husbands head had been turned by someone else and even though i didnt realise thats what was going on it was like a subconscious part of me knew that there was something terribly wrong in my world and i hid in food and the internet. But times before that when i put on weight and became frumpy and middle-aged it was in large part because i was unappreciated - we all need to be loved and appreciated. Without my husband in my life i am feeling the appreciation of friends (male and female) and i am looking much more trendy/glamourous. Needless to say the weight is almost back to where it should be and i put my lippy on every day.

I find myself wondering how honest you are being with yourself too. You mentioned that you have had some female attention and have been tempted. I am wondering whether you might be heading towards an affair and picking fault with your wife and marriage to justify it. I am not saying that is definitively how it is and you are here talking about it which hopefully suggests i maybe wrong.

You might want to take a look at this thread which might give you some indication that your wife might be in a totally different space regarding the marriage to you;
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=6657

At the end of the day i dont think my husband wanted to communicate with me. His head was turned in other directions and he didnt want to work on the marriage.

Welcome to forum.
Luce

Last edited by luce; 28th March 2010 at 11:14 PM.
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Old 29th March 2010, 08:20 AM   #5
UpandDown
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Good luck, Stevie. I don't have any advice to offer but I am rooting for you.

Love Kathryn
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Old 29th March 2010, 08:53 AM   #6
stevie
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Thank you to you all, i really do appreciate your thoughts and i hear what you guys are saying. When we had our 'Big' heart to heart a while ago we came pretty close to separating i have to admit and i backed out at the last minute saying that i wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet so maybe its me that has kept it alive when it's already over. It was then we agreed to work at it and change our life style which would hopefully re-kindle our love. My SO is the sort that will just go with the flow, she admitted at the time that unless things are really bad she is happy to just continue as we are, it's not like we argue but there is no affection and no passion and i guess all the other associated things that go with a close relationship have also vanished because of the lack of close contact etc. So from a personal point of view i feel very lonely, I should point out that if i could see some serious effort on her part to tackle her weight i would be so helpful and work with her to keep her motivated and if that was the case i am sure we could start to think more to the future, but any diet attempt never goes beyond a week.

I am not unhappy but am certainly not fulfilled and content and i dont want to live the remainder of my life without love. Its the lack of love i miss far more than sex.

I will read that thread Luce - thank you. There is no affair and none on the cards but sure, it's a good feeling, now i am slim, confident and dressing quite trendy - you can feel when in a woman's company that there is some chemistry and you can almost sense that you could take it further - but i have not done so.

Cheers again Steve

Last edited by stevie; 29th March 2010 at 09:23 AM. Reason: add further info
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Old 29th March 2010, 11:27 AM   #7
Wiggle
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Hi Steve,

Have been in a not entirely dissimilar position myself. No passion, no hugs, no kisses - I got more affection from the cat than I did from him. And no, we never talked about it - we both just shoved our heads in the sand and hoped it would all work out somehow...

It sounds like your wife isn't happy either (it turns out neither of us were happy with the the way things were)- which may be contributing to the weight issue. But she's probably terrified of losing you if you both talk about it, especially if you're such a svelt male now! If you've noticed a difference in the way women react to you, maybe she has too and that's increasing her insecurity.

I'd recomend trying something like Relate or Marriage Care. They can hopefully educate the both of you about communication (I'm hoping it'll help us that way) and maybe insisting that the two of you do something like that might bring it home to her that she's going to lose you anyway unless something changes. It might also be worth putting a time limit on how long you're going to give it, and sharing that with her - that might giver her some motivation...?

Good luck. I think you're a great husband for resisting temptation and for being willing to give it another go. Talking from the position of currently being in a rented room it's worth throwing everything you can at it before you walk away - at least you'll know you've tried everything.
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Old 29th March 2010, 11:33 AM   #8
Helen_uk
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Can I just say that if you love somone , I mean really love them from the heart,that doesn't change because their outward appearance does. I think the issues you have with your feelings toward your wife go deeper than that . Perhaps you feel that by not sticking to her word and trying to lose the weight she's not valuing you enough, not trying to save your marriage - suffering a little apathy perhaps ?

It's easy to let ourselves go once in the security of marriage , we perhaps feel we don't have to try so much. You've lost weight, got fit and are feeling good about yourself and your self image has improved ,I'm just wondering if your wife felt she was happy the way she was and didn't have that same urge to improve her body image. She may even have felt a little hurt by the fact you felt the need to " change " her. I don't know, I'm just surmising here.

Either way, you're not happy and so it looks like a big talk is needed and form there a few decisions to be made.

Wish you lots of luck.

Helen
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Old 29th March 2010, 01:38 PM   #9
stevie
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Hi Helen, thanks for your input.

I guess the weight issues make me sound real shallow - maybe i am

I am not looking for a model wife, dont get me wrong but we are not talking just a few pounds here we are talking a fair old stack of weight and whichever way you look at it it does make a difference - both in appearance and in your whole outlook on life. You're quite right the security of marriage may well let you relax and maybe she doesn't want to help herself or improve the situation.


Cheers Steve
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Old 29th March 2010, 02:13 PM   #10
Helen_uk
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

I don't think it makes you look shallow Steve , we all have certain things that attract us. I just think it goes deeper than a weight issue . If your feelings have fundamentally changed then maybe they weren't as strong in the first place.

It's hard to explain , sorry. My ex mum in law weighed nigh on 24 stone by her mid 40's ( mainly due to carrying 3 lots of twins ! ) ex dad in law was very skinny due to illness . Didn't change the way they felt about each other , they were still in love at the end ( which came within a year of each other ). I think maybe your wife's lack of interest in her appearance might means she's gotten complacent about you and her marriage , and if this is reflected in her outlook on life in general then I can understand that must be frustrating for you.

What I'm trying to say ( badly ! ) is that although the weight might be an issue maybe it isn't the cause. I'll shut up now , not much help am I ? lol
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Old 29th March 2010, 08:23 PM   #11
stevie
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

As normal i will listen to any advice but in the end i make my own decision - so yes your thoughts are very welcome and i take them on board Helen.

I am trying to look at this from all angles and i think the problem i have is that the weight issues are long standing, the closeness we had in the early days was affected by this as i no longer found my wife so attractive, please bear in mind here i was a young newly wed of 23yrs - as an older guy i perhaps would not have minded so much. The intimacy has never got back on track and as a result the love has not flourished. Perhaps it is still there in the background or i wouldn't be looking for ways to resolve things.

Am i stupid to think that if she was to commit 100% to a fitness regime that we could get things back on track??

Thanks one and all for your comments - i take them all onboard.

Cheers Steve
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Old 30th March 2010, 01:42 PM   #12
LeftBehind
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by stevie View Post
I should also add that for a long long time i am getting female attention and that is really nice but also very tempting - i hope you can empathise.
Hi Steve, the only thing I would add to what has been said so far is that if the temptation is going to be taken further your wife deserves better than that. I had the "dirty" done on me by my wife and the xtra pain that caused was huge (for me, her, her lover and our children). IMHO YOUR relationship is YOURS and YOUR WIFES problem to sort out BEFORE you fall to temptation with someone else.

Some people would say that because you are tempted then you already (as you fully aknowledge) have big issues in your relationship but to jump from 1 relationship straight into another or be seen to be decietful is not on in my opinion nor is starting a new, exciting relationship straight out of another generally a good idea. Should you come to the conculsion that your present relationship is over - and I think deep down you already know the answer to that and are maybe looking for re-assurance more than advice? - then you will need some YOU time to work out what you want, what you have done and what went wrong, and what you feel for any potential new person in a new reltionship because they will always look exciting compared to your old one being that it is so many years old and you obviously have deep mis-givings and frustration with it. Space for YOU will give you time to work that bit out - jumping straight into another relationship imho has huge potential to backfire and let you down again in the future.

These are only my words of advice, because like you I am (at 43) still learning in life and learning about how fantastic AND just how cruel it can be!

Martin
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Old 31st March 2010, 08:54 AM   #13
stevie
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Cheers Martin for you input, much appreciated.

I have to say though that i think you are just picking up on a very small aspect of the situation. I have no intention of having any affair, certainly not in the near future but hey never say never. Hope you dont mind me saying but my thoughts are very much on how, if and should i try any further to resolve my relationship issues.

The fact that i have thought about enjoying some good times with another female is i would a fact of life for all of us, i am sure we have all had these thoughts. My point is thinking and doing are so very different and I would not 'do' that until i was free.

Cheers Steve

PS: i have read and mulled over all your comments and i realise i need to talk it over one last final time with my SO this time i will ensure she is in no doubt how serious this is - my only concern with this is that i have already covered this ground and got no where. I guess its worth one more try, but just one more.

Thank you all
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Old 31st March 2010, 10:44 PM   #14
UpandDown
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Re: Another loveless pair :-)

Hi Stevie

Just been reading your thread. Really hoping you can sit your W down and get her to see the seriousness of the situation.

These things are always more complex than they seem. I agree with Helen that the weight thing is probably more to do with other things than just lack of physical attraction. As you said, people's outlook on life is different.

This is obviously a majorly testing time for your relationship. You have done really well getting on track with your fitness etc. but she for whatever reason hasn't been able to/wanted to. You could liken it to any difficult marital situation such as one partner has an accident and is now wheelchair bound. You have to adjust and try and fit together in the new formation.

I'm sure there's tons more to your story than we could every appreciate. I wish you lots of luck talking to her. My advice would be to try and do it in a completely different way than you have done before. Use a visual or a practical application to show her what you are talking about, instead of words maybe?

Let us know how it goes.
Love Kathryn
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