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Old 6th March 2010, 12:59 AM   #1
bhan001
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my husband left me with no warning

my husband left me 5weeks ago and i'm struggling, it came from nowhere and i still find it hard to believe, we were happy in love, never argued, plans for kids but then he said he doesn't want kids anymore, he wants to do more with his life! i know he's doing the right thing really, so it makes it even harder to hate him, he's all i've even know and i love and miss him so much and it just makes me so angry cause we were only married 15months, why couldn't he decide this before we got married!
i tried talking to him but he wasn't interested, he had his mind made up when he said it to me. i've never felt such pain, my chest hurt constantly for two weeks, now i'm just numb.
to make matters worse, we have the same group of friends, so i know i'm going to see him again in the near future and i know my heart will break all over again when i see him. we were together since i was 18, i'm 27 now and i know i'm young but i've never dated properly(we were friends first) so i don't even know how to start and the thought of having to even try scares the hell out of me.
i live in a small town that is falling apart, shops closing every weeks, friends moving away, no opportunity to meet people and i just feel so alone.
i never thought my life could fall apart so quickly, so easily and so out of the blue and i just want to feel better.
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Old 6th March 2010, 09:42 AM   #2
Hopefull1983
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

Oh my word it's like reading my own story. I've had the exact same speal from my husband 'he's changed, grown apart' yada yada yada. They married us just a short time ago, how does someone change so much in such little time hey? My husband decided he no longer loved me 'in the way he used to' 2 weeks after we had just had a lovely weekend away to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary, it was so out of the blue. Like you, we were were happy, in love, travelled the world together, were planning to start a family etc..etc... and then this. I was shell shocked. There was another issue for us which you can read about on my posts, however, I still didn't think that this was going to be the 'breaking' of us. I had been with my husband since I was 17 and he 18 and I'm now 26 and he's 27, but to me that should have no bearing on 'for better for worse, till death do us part'. He said those vows he should have meant them, we're happy together why can't we be together...this is all what you're thinking right? I also thought the 'why couldn't he have decided this before we got married' but now although it's a terrifying thought being 26 and divorced, I wouldn't take back my marriage to my husband, I loved him, I wanted to marry him, I meant my wedding vows and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and for those reasons I don't regret it, I regret how it has turned out but I don't regret my marriage and I know at some point you will feel the same. I know exactly what you're going through and it's hard, it's going to get harder and it's going to get easier at the same time. I recomend buying a book 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew G Marshall. I read this and I gave it to my husband to read and I think if it were not too far down the 'making up his mind' stage when he read it he might have given us a chance. If not though, the book I think is a must read for anyone in a relationship. Like you, I don't hate my husband, in fact we're quite good friends now, I don't know how I'm able to do this there's something inside me that wants it and I follow that instinct because it's the easiest thing to do right now. I don't know how the dynamics of our friendship will work if and when either of us meet someone new but I'm not naive enough to think that things will still be the same so I'm prepared for what will come but for now, he's been a big part of my life for almost a decade, he's the only person I can properly talk to about my time travelling, he's the person I still think of if I need advice so for now being his friend is my saviour and I probably should feel angry towards him but the other emotions are enough to deal with and if you're not an angry person then don't change for him!!!
Things will get easier dear, there will be days (I'm feeling a bit like this lately, almost 6 months on) that you doubt that when you're struggling so much to come to terms with everything but there will be good days that give you hope and something to aspire to.
Concentrate on you, be strong, excersise, do something you've always wanted to do, give your husband space but still communicate and let's pray that all of the things he sees you doing will change his thoughts and feelings and he'll come running back to you with open arms, but if not, it's a start to you re-building a new life for number 1.
Thinking of you, ask any questions you want, I'm sure I'll have heard all of the 'talk' that your husband is giving at the moment.

It was like reading my own story reading yours, I can't get over it. You're in my thoughts and prayers. x
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.

Last edited by Hopefull1983; 6th March 2010 at 09:47 AM.
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Old 6th March 2010, 11:56 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

The similarities are amazing between you two. You are in good hands with Hopeful Bhan.

What puzzles me is why end a marriage to pursue a career? Surely marriage is not incompatible with this. I would have said that being married is a great help in this and once it has happened should alway be put first no matter what.

What is it that he is doing with his life that you cannot do together?

Yes there are similarities between your husbands the way they toss marriage aside like that.

Raymond
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Old 6th March 2010, 02:20 PM   #4
bhan001
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

thanks for all your advice hopefully and raymond, i had asked him when he told me he didn't want kids, what would we do with our lives be then without children, would we travel etc and he didn't have an answer for me, like he never even thought of me in his furture.
it really is amazing how people can change so easily especially when you've know them for nearly a decade, and even if he did come crawling back i don't know if i'd take him back, he handled the situation so badly if feel there is no trust left like when he told me he was leaving me, i started to cry obviously and he went to put his hand on my knee and i said don't and ran upstairs, he left the house then, he didn't even wait 5minutes to see if i was ok, how does someone you love just walk out and leave you like that? and all the time we talked after the initial d day, he just had no thought for me, everything he was saying was all about him, pure selifsh and i felt like as much as we talked he wasn't going to compromise or anything, it was i want this and i don't want you in it, like you said hopefully i took my vowes, i ment them and i would fight for my marriage but it seems he won't or doesn't want to.
i haven't seen or spoken to him in 2wks and the thought of it scares the hell outta me because i know i'll be back to week one and i know if i can cope with that and i've lost enough weight as it is!(the one good thing to come from all this!)
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Old 6th March 2010, 06:34 PM   #5
jools
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

Hi bhan001

Sorry for the horrible place where you currently find yourself. You will feel gradually better over time. When I was going through my painful breakup 4 years ago I couldn't understand how he could just stop loving me. I've since come to realise (through my own experience and reading so many forums like this) that there is usually one reason that this happens (I say "usually" not always). They've usually met someone else. Whether they've actually consumated the "friendship" or not. Most men won't break up with their partner - even if it's far from perfect, unless there's someone else. I was told this at the time, when it happened to me and I did not believe it - for all sorts of reasons. But it turned out that there was - though I don't think it turned into a full on relationship until we split (or is that another little delusion of mine?) If you think about it - it's the only thing that makes sense, isn't it? My ex denied everything to everyone and even his closest of friends had no idea. But it all made perfect sense once I found out (through my own detective work). Up until then, he made me feel like I was being paranoid!

Anyway, let's look at the positives - apart from the weight loss!
* You're young enough to start again
* You didn't have any children with him (or you'd be forced to play the split family/stepchildren game).
* You said your town is closing down and friends are moving away. So maybe it's time for you to plan a whole new future. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but maybe you could plan something exciting. Re-train - anything!

Give yourself time though. I remember the physical as well as emotional pain. It's awful! Just do whatever makes you feel better for now. Keep us posted.
Jools XX
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Old 7th March 2010, 12:09 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

Theres something heartless and cold about it all. Bhan there doesn't seem any valid reason for doing what he did. If it was someone else that would be awful but at least it would explain things, although it would never be right. If it is the same as Hopefull's situation then there wasn't someone else just a kind of desire to play the field and not be committed to anyone.

The only good thing, as jools expressed, is that it happened early and you are young enough to recover and hopefully find someone with the same values who believes in marriage and faithfulness.

I know that doesn't help you now as I know you must be wounded and grieved inside and be wondering how you are going to get through each day. A lot on here will be able to empathise with you you will find.

Raymond
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Old 7th March 2010, 02:00 AM   #7
Hopefull1983
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

[QUOTE=bhan001;53037] pure selifsh and i felt like as much as we talked he wasn't going to compromise or anything, it was i want this and i don't want you in it, like you said hopefully i took my vowes, i ment them and i would fight for my marriage but it seems he won't or doesn't want to.
QUOTE]


They go through this stage of selfishness and total different character. I am just after almost 6 months starting to see the person that my husband used to be now after so long him being this total stranger and aragant and selfish and blatantly cold. I think it's a defence mechanism for them to make them feel less guilty or something. Just try and ignore this phase, I got myself so stressed out over this phase, thought there was something wrong with him (depressed, having a crisis...anything) and worried myself sick about him and I really should have been focusing this energy on myself and not him. Just try and ignore this stage, there will come a point when your real husband will return (he may still have these same views) but he'll be more sensitive to your feelings and do everything possible to make things easier for you, I hope this is the case anyway. Try and surround yourself with people who love you and make you feel good about yourself. I've had a pretty tough week this week but just spent a girlie evening with my new housemate (a previous friend but one I wasn't extremely close to) and another friend and it's been so nice, even little things like them laughing at jokes I told were comforting because it gives you confidence that you're a fun person to be around. I can't emphasise enough how much excersise helps, I know you said you lost weight anyway but it's more about the happy endorphines. Tell work what is going on, it really helps when you're having a bad day. Also, if things do or don't work out, see a counsellor, I'm having my first session next week and I can't wait. If there is one thing I'm determined about it's that my husbands mistakes are not going to affect any future relationships I chose to have. I'm not going to let him turn me into someone who is untrusting or protective of herself. I'll be very very alert and aware if and when I meet someone else but I don't want to punish an innocent party for the mistakes of a man who doesn't believe in the things I do (a long and happy marriage). Thinking of you. x
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 8th March 2010, 03:26 PM   #8
Mo Simpson
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

Hi, it's natural that you're feeling so alone and lonely and you're thinking about how you'll ever meet anyone again. But you're young, you have so much time to meet someone.

Right now you need to concentrate on you and make sure that you do as much as you can to look after you. You will be numb and shocked by your husband leaving for some time to come. But that time isn't now.

Soon you'll be angry and try and answer those nagging questions that constantly float around in your head about "could I have seen it coming? Could I have done anything different?"

Just give yourself.
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Old 9th March 2010, 11:14 AM   #9
luce
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

Oh Bhan, i am so sorry. I know what you are going through. Two months ago my husband came home and said he didnt love me anymore, that he had never loved me. My story is pretty similar to yours in that we had only been married 18mths - but we had lived together for 16yrs. I was completely blindsided as i thought we were really happy and that i was the luckiest woman alive to be married to my best friend. I couldnt breathe. I still cant breathe sometimes. I am still reeling that my world has been turned upside down.

How are you doing now?
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Old 9th March 2010, 03:58 PM   #10
bhan001
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

hey all,
bad day today, and it all started over the car being frosted over, and it just felt like the last straw! just feel so down today, already had a cry in the bathroom in work, they all know in work and they have been great but it's as soon as someone asks are you ok that i just want to cry again, i'm just fed up of acting like everything is ok cause it's not and i just want to wallow in self pity for a while without everyone telling me it will be ok and chin up etc! cna't wait for the day to be over!
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Old 9th March 2010, 11:58 PM   #11
Hopefull1983
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by bhan001 View Post
hey all,
bad day today, and it all started over the car being frosted over, and it just felt like the last straw! just feel so down today, already had a cry in the bathroom in work, they all know in work and they have been great but it's as soon as someone asks are you ok that i just want to cry again, i'm just fed up of acting like everything is ok cause it's not and i just want to wallow in self pity for a while without everyone telling me it will be ok and chin up etc! cna't wait for the day to be over!
Wallow in self pity then sweetie. It's good to cry. Beat your pillow up...scream, shout...it all helps. Don't let it beat you though! Be strong. IT WILL BE OK...not yet...not even close but IT WILL BE! It's hard people who haven't been through it trying to offer sympathy when they have no idea but it shows they care. Vent on here though it helps because we know what you're going through. x
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 10th March 2010, 12:28 AM   #12
luce
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by bhan001 View Post
hey all,
bad day today, and it all started over the car being frosted over, and it just felt like the last straw! just feel so down today, already had a cry in the bathroom in work, they all know in work and they have been great but it's as soon as someone asks are you ok that i just want to cry again, i'm just fed up of acting like everything is ok cause it's not and i just want to wallow in self pity for a while without everyone telling me it will be ok and chin up etc! cna't wait for the day to be over!
I find the same - many people seem to think i should be getting over it by now. They say things like dont cry over spilt milk.

It really isnt helpful. All i need from people mostly is for them to say 'i know it hurts like hell honey'. I know it hurts like hell Bhan and if you need to wallow then you do it.

I am finding that it is mostly only people that have been through it that understand what a dreadfully painful process this is and that the only way out is through.
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Old 18th March 2010, 02:38 PM   #13
bhan001
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

hey all, doing good today, was away for a few days visiting friends and had my first night out, (first drop of alcohol in 7 weeks), after a few to many drinks and drunken men and not knowing what to do, so used to saying sorry i'm married, it all got to much and i got very weepy, went home early and stayed up until 5 in the morning just talking with my friend and it was great, really made me feel better firstly because i haven't let myself really cry for a few weeks and secondly just to talk about everything even the stupid stuff helped, and thanks to the alcohol that happened quiet easily!! and it was just so nice to be away from my home town, to go for a walk and not reconise anyone or have to worry about bumping into anyone(i.e him) so i have to say i feel great today, holiday with the same friend in six weeks, can't wait,!!!
feels so good to have a really good few days, feel lighter that i have in weeks!
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Old 18th March 2010, 02:57 PM   #14
luce
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

That is fantastic Bhan. I am so glad to hear that getting away, seeing your friends and having good chin wag and cry helped you feel lighter. Holiday will do you so much good too.
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Old 19th March 2010, 07:04 PM   #15
livhuhani
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Re: my husband left me with no warning

It is a sad tory indeed bahn001, but one thing I know is that God was there inthe beginning of your marriage, he wa there when you guys said you vows, he was also there when he left you And he is still with you through all the pain. Cry on his shoulder. in that secret place, share with him all your worries and trust in him. if you ant your husband back, tell him. If you want healing, tell him for he is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all wecan think or imagine. He created marriage in the beginning, he i also able to fix marriages.
Trust in him enough that he can fix allyour problems, and you will see if the real God, the father of our Lord Jesus Christ will not stand up. Read Matthew 6 and meditate upon it, and the almighty god ill come through for you
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