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Old 21st August 2009, 12:35 PM   #1
Purple lady
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Please help me sort this

I have been married for well over 20 years and have never been with anyone other than my husband, and just last week he annouced that he love me but was no longer in love with me, i am sure there is no one else as he is with me except when he is at work, but i dont seem to be able to connect with him. I love him completely and totally and without him i am nothing nor do i want anything, we have been through ups and downs and i thought we were strong, i cant imagine life without him and dont want to, he is still at home and i am trying so hard to make him realise what we have but he just keeps saying its too late. Please someone who was in the same situation but made it right i would so appreciate advice
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Old 21st August 2009, 01:36 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

First of all Purple Lady I would make absolutely sure there is nobody else. This could even be in the form of an online relationship or even porn.

If you are sure this is clear then it could be that something is affecting his relationship with you that is not your fault. Have there been any big changes in his work or any other area?

I don't understand his remark about it being too late. It is never too late to work on ones marriage.

Really the answer is to keep honour his marriage commitment and keep loving you but I know he is not listening to me. Right feelings will follow right actions.

I would keep your eyes and ears open to find out what is happening and let us know.

Raymond
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Old 21st August 2009, 01:39 PM   #3
katharine2712
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Re: Please help me sort this

i no exactly how u feel going through the same as u he staying with in laws x it devastating and iv never felt so bad in all my life thinking of you hun x
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Old 21st August 2009, 04:47 PM   #4
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

I dont think there is anyone else as he is always with me, but I suppose you can never be 100% about anything. I truly love him and if i lose him i feel like my live is over, I know thatis so selfish cos there are people out there with far worse problems but i cant help it. I feel dead inside, i know i never want anyone else and i dont know who i would cope without him, i know this is all so pathetic but he is everything i want. He says he loves me but isnt inlove with me and the old its me not you, i am trying everything and believe where there is life there is hope, thank you so much for replying to me cos i cant tell anyone else as i am so ashamed to admit that i am trying to persuade someone to love me
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Old 21st August 2009, 07:41 PM   #5
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Please help me sort this

Dont be ashamed Purple Lady, I would/did pratically throw myself at OH last weekend and all it got me was that I wasnt being helpful! Its an awful situation to be in believe me I know. I spent two and half months trying desperately to turn things round before he left three weeks ago. I then started reading several relationship books and have started working on me for my sake, whether it gets me anywhere this time it will at least help maybe for next time, although like you I just want my current husband to come home as I love him so much. Have you been to the doctors I did and got something just to help me sleep and decrease the anxiety which has helped a little bit and also let me be calmer with H instead of losing it and making matters worse.
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Old 21st August 2009, 10:32 PM   #6
nix192
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Re: Please help me sort this

my husband of over 20 years left me a year ago,people may think well you should be over it by now but he has left 8 times before and always came back saying he cant live without me etc.but this time is differant as i have found out hes been seeing someone else for the last 8 months and is moving 4 hours away to be with her.i am totally deverstated but no i have to move on for the sake of our children as well as my own sanity.i really feel for anyone that is going through these situations and thank god for sites like this that make you realise you are not on your own in your suffering.
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Old 22nd August 2009, 10:21 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

If you are sure there is not another women or anything like that Purple Lady then you have to work through the situation as it is. It is rediculous that you have to persuade him to love you. That is his duty as a husband. Nevertheless he may be going through a personal crisis in some way, if you can find out what that is. I would try not to pine over it but take the opportunity to build yourself up and get on with what you have to do. He has to work through whatever it is. You have to conduct yourself as honourably as you can.

There are parallels of your story in the one on here which might be useful
read this article .

Raymond
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Old 24th August 2009, 09:57 AM   #8
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

Thanks everyone for replying, yes i have been to the doctor to try to get something to help me sleep and he was kind, it will be 2 weeks tomorrow since he told me and i have lost almost a stone in weight i cant eat, i feel sick all the time and i have this great fear inside. I am putting on a face at home and we are still in the same bed and still having a relationship in bed (if anything its better than it ever was) but he still insists that whilst he loves me he isnt in love with me and no matter how much i try and tell him we have to try and not let 23 year disappear without a fight he says he doesnt want to try, i honestly feel that my life would be over without him, i only am me because of him, if that makes any sense, i know nothing else. I think that he does still love me but has buried it and just cant remember and i am trying so hard to make him remember, does anyone think it can come right............
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Old 24th August 2009, 01:14 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

I think it is all in his head Purple Lady. It is not a nice or wise thing to say to you.

I question a little that you say everything you are is because of him. That would make you co dependent on him and imply that you have nothing in yourself. Obviously we need our spouses and everyone needs people but we still retain our individuality which is the part we bring to the marriage. I am sure you bring your worth to the marriage and you should recognise that. The relationship is the sum of what you both bring to it. I think if you saw it like that things would change for the better.

My thought is to work on yourself and have some individual interests. This would make your contribution a bit more interesting perhaps? I don't know.

Whilst it is right that he should love you one can make it more interesting? I hope I am not barking up the wrong tree here, it's just that phrase "everything I am is because of him".

Raymond
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Old 24th August 2009, 01:54 PM   #10
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

Well maybe i worded that a bit wrong, i mean that if i dont have him, i feel like i dont have anything, we do everything together always have, we have the same interests, same social scene, there isnt my friends and his friends just our friends, we are involved for almost 10 years in an organisation which takes up most weekends etc and if we arnt together, i will have nothing. We dont have children so i cant even focus on making things right for them. Reading alot of the stories and post here, and seems so many people in the same boat and the same feelings all hurting terrible, i really just want to hide away and make the whole thing go away. I constantly imagine him saying to me "look i made a mistake, i do love you, i would be the happiest person in the world. I love him with every breath in my body and i know that without him i am not complete and thats not to do with lack of self esteem or confidence, its just to do with lack of him. I think its in his head but he is one of the most stubborn people ever and when he makes a decision he rarely backs down
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Old 24th August 2009, 03:42 PM   #11
shaun
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Re: Please help me sort this

Quote:
I think its in his head but he is one of the most stubborn people ever and when he makes a decision he rarely backs down
That is exactly like my wife, she never backs down, never has. If you look at my story, it's pretty much the same as yours, only mine turned out to have a not a very nice ending upon finding out the truth behind my 'then' problem. I believed everything that my wife told me but wish I'd looked at the whole situation from an outsiders point of view. You do need to focus more on yourself, I know what it's like to be totally put off food and to be unable to sleep, it's not at all nice, but nature did eventually take it's stand with me, forcing me to eat. I moved out of our marrital home and did eventually find that my life could and would go on without my wife, weather I wanted it to or not. As awfull as this may sound, is it definate that there is nobody else, I was 100% sure my wife was being faithfull, I believed she'd fallen out of love with me. It was only after I'd moved back in that the affair came to light. You honestly don't want to be self blamming, I think a lot of us on here have done plenty of that, and it gets you nowhere. I also think that feelings can't change as quick as what we've both been led to think, it's impossible. I'm probably not the best person to give anybody any kind of advice, as my head is currently still all over the place, but this place, as others say, is a canny place to vent you worries and a place to get your thoughts accross. Nobody can really help you with the problems you are facing but it's good to have people around that are willing to listen to what you have to say.

' Take care of yourself ' and good look.
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Old 24th August 2009, 06:09 PM   #12
huting
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Re: Please help me sort this

dress up nice, put make up on. find a hobby. try and think about yourself for a while, hopefully he will see you looking good and feeling good and will realise what he will miss out on if he leaves. i am trying to act like i dont care with my husband at the moment. becoming emotionally unattached. i dunno if this is working but anything is worth a try. if you could read my post and comment i would very much appreciate it. i wish you all the happiness and luck. xxx
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Old 25th August 2009, 08:18 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Please help me sort this

You seem to have a lot going for you Purple Lady apart from that remark about love from him which we are hearing of all the time on here as it happens. I mean I love you but am not in love with you. I am beginning to think that is a very immature statement to make as marriage is a commitment to love and should not be entirely dependent on the feeling of being in love. Love is much bigger that that. One loves in the long term because they honour the one they married and made the vows to. Yes feelings come into it but ultimately it doesn't turn on that. The commitment to love is much deeper and involves our will as well as our feelings. Right decisions lead to the right feelings not the other way around. I think he is in danger of throwing away a lot by not understanding marriage. The romance leading to marriage is wonderful but it is the commitment to love that has the longest staying power. It is not loving to say I love you but am not in love with you. It is usually a sign that the marriage needs working on and is given priority. Jumping ship is no answer however one tries to justify it.

I really hope he learns this lesson. All you can do is do good under the circumstances. Ultimately it is up to him but it is very sad and so prevalent it seems in these days.

Raymond
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Old 25th August 2009, 10:11 AM   #14
Purple lady
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Re: Please help me sort this

Thanks everyone for your comments, we talked last night, mainly brought on by my inability to manage to eat or if i do keep it down, i know that he loves me and i know that he is making a mistake and i told him this, altho i also realise that what he feels at the minute is genuine as he looks awful and is feeling as equally as bad as i am just for different reasons. I said that we had 23 years with each other and couldnt throw that away on him saying that he feels something is missing but doesnt know what, and that if he did it may turn out to be the biggest mistake of his life. We both agreed to try and relax a bit on the whole situation altho whilst we agreed on this and talked sometimes i think it goes round the outside of his head and isnt actually taken in. I am still hopeful that i can turn this round but he says i have to stop talking long term and just see. sometimes i am so hopeful and others i just want to hide in the bed and see no-one. I honestly dont think i could cope if he left me, he has been my past, present and without him there isnt a future that i want. i really dont think there is anyone else, he is very straight but he is never actually anywhere without me, he doesnt hide his phone or jump when it rings or texts etc and the bills are just left about altho i suppose you can never be 100% about anything. I feel abit more upbeat today but i also relaise that this could be pulled away from me at any time. For all of you going thru similar or worse my heart aches for you all, i never in my life have felt as bad, or imagined that anything could make me feel this way and if the worse does happen i cant see away out of it
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Old 25th August 2009, 11:46 AM   #15
crush
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Re: Please help me sort this

Purple Lady hello. Your situation mirrors many on here also. H wont listen or talk to you it is a common thread. If he really is feeling like this you need to talk, talk, talk about it, that is if he will of course. I would be suspicious of him though, they don't just decide they don't love you anymore, usually their attentions are being drawn elsewhere. Shutting down and not talking is another sign. Maybe he is infatuated with someone he cannot have and cannot deal with it. Who knows, there could be a number of reasons he is acting this way. Could be a mlc.

You should never think you cannot have a future without him as you are in control of your own destiny. I know at this moment you cannot see past today, and I agree it would take a lot of time but if the worse does happen you will come through the other side I can promise you.

I have been on my own now 5 months and believe me I felt like you, that life could not go on and all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day, and some days I have done just that. My h did have ow and is still with her and my life has now had to take a different path, one I thought I would never be walking without him by my side but I have to do this in order to move one and survive and become me again.

It is so hard to deal with but please keep posting on here as it really does help.
Take care.
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