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Old 11th January 2011, 03:03 PM   #1
coolircrumble
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18 months after H affair what now?

It has been almosty a year since I have last posted on here and I am still in need of advice.
It is now 18 months since I found out about my H affair and things have not moved on very much which I feel is mostly my own fault.
I cannot seem to get past the hurt and the anger that has been caused by his affair.
My h has been making every effort to make me happy and doing every thing that he can to make me see that it is me and our marraige that he wants. He has had no contact with the ow since I confronted her and him.
So I feel I am in limbo, when I look at him i see a liar and a cheat. Before I found out what he had been up to I loved him and our life so much.
He said there was no reason for him to do what he did as nothing had changed at home but the opportunity arose and he took it instead of just saying no. If there wasn't a problem it might happen again!

I know that is my problem now as he has really really tried to make me happy but I dont know if that is what I want anymore. I have changed so much since then as he has, although he says he is still the same person and had only this one mental blip (his words) in 26 years of marraige.

Has anyone managed to get it back after this length of time and why am I still here is a question I ask myself a lot. I could financial manage with out him and our girls know everything that has happened and would accept whatever happens.
I know if I do not do anything we could carry on not being truely happy for months or even years.
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Old 11th January 2011, 06:52 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: 18 months after H affair what now?

I wonder if part of the reason that you cant get past this is because of his attitude? Possibly his lack of repentance or acknowledgements of the seriousness of what he did? calling an affair a 'mental blip' seems bizarre to me. Its hardly that, it is the worst thing that one spouse can do to another. Also the fact that he doesnt even know why he did it, and therefore you fear that it may happen again isnt helping.The 'opportunity came up, so he took it?' Where are his morals? Also his words that 'its only once in 26 years' as if that makes it OK seems strange. Once is to many times whether it is a one year marriage or a 50 year marriage.
My feelings are that if he isnt showing deep sorrow or repentance in his words or actions then does he actually see the depth and seriousness of his betrayal to you?Has he acknowledged that in himself and to you?
.
Have the two of you had some good counselling so that you can get out the feelings of hurt and anger and fear? Have you had the opportunity to talk about your emotions to him or someone else?
Adultery does destroy the trust and intimacy between 2 people. Some couples can get through it and some cant. I know couples who have done both. It does destroy the marriage covenant and breaks the promises made to be faithful.Some can get past that and some just cant.
IN the end it is only you who can know deep down if you can stay with him and if you can ever trust him again. Its your choice whether to stay and keep working on it or to seperate.
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Old 11th January 2011, 09:55 PM   #3
jools
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Re: 18 months after H affair what now?

I really feel for you as I read this. Everything that Chosen has said makes perfect sense, regarding the lack of repentance and the inability to explain why it happened. Just one other thing that crossed my mind as I read this; put simply, "some things, once broken, can never be repaired". I know that's how I felt. What you had, you will never get back - but that's what you want. To move forward with him would be to accept a new state of being - maybe one that you don't want. It's like a no-win situation. The only win would be for it to never have happened - unless, like Chosen said, you are one of those people who can move past it. Tricky!
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Old 12th January 2011, 03:39 PM   #4
coolircrumble
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Re: 18 months after H affair what now?

Thanks you chosen and jools for your thoughts it is so much appreciated.

I actually do believe that he might do it again if there was no reason for it, and it drives me crazy thinking that the next time will total destroy me.

I have only ever been with my h and I was the only one for him, but not now, since he has had the affair it feels as our bond and our togetherness has gone. I believed he was my soul mate and vice versa but that has gone as he has been with someone else.

I do want my old life back where we were a very solid unit who had a great life loved each other and had a very happy family life (for me any way) and I know that it will never be the same again, but moving on is so hard when I don't actually know what I want.
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Old 12th January 2011, 07:30 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: 18 months after H affair what now?

I do think that you need to accept that it will never be the same as before.Maybe you need to grieve for the loss of what you had? However I am told that marriages can be good again after adultery, just different. I do wonder if counselling may help you to see what it is that you really want?Talking about it to another person may make it clearer in your mind.
Personally I dont think that I could stay in a marriage where they has been adultery, but I do know several people who have, and their marriages seem good.
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Old 12th January 2011, 09:40 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: 18 months after H affair what now?

I think you have still not forgiven him Coolicrumble. Do you feel he has not repented? The previous signs were that he had but you were still finding it difficult to forgive. When you say you see a liar and a cheat when you look at him says to me you have not managed very well in forgiving and forgetting. I think this is the big problem now. The trust doesn't appear to have been restored also although that does take time.

Some are able to forgive and forget for the sake of their marriage but I know you are finding this very difficult.

Last edited by Raymond; 13th January 2011 at 09:53 AM.
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