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Old 22nd October 2010, 11:56 AM   #1
Rainbow
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My husband had a affair!!

Hi everyone,
I just posted a very long thread and lost it!!!!!!!!!!

So will have to keep this brief as in alot of pain.

My husband of 39 years admitted to an affair in July of this year (after i found out, long story) and my life has been turned upside down.
The affair lasted a year and he immediately broke it off.

However i have a serious illness which i have had for many years and the intimate side of things went out the window.

The coming days/weeks were horrendous and only those that have had this happen to them will understand what i went through and also all my family. I have two married children and four precious grandchildren.

Well i took him back 2 months ago and yes i know its early days etc but i now seem to be stuck and cannot move on.
All i see every hour of every day is the sick images of them together and what they talked about.
You see he told her many private things about me and told me so many things ( oh i needed to know)!! They loved one another you see.

He will do anything for me to put this right but i can't move on at all.
We have had councelling and it made things worse.
He had broken every single marriage vow and my trust etc and i cannot live like this anymore.

I shall come back later and talk more if thats ok but right now in alot of pain.
Thankyou for reading. J.
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Old 22nd October 2010, 12:55 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

Hi Rainbow. Sorry you are going through this. (You can get timed out on here sometimes so it is advisable to copy your post to word or something before you post in case it doesn't work. When you sign back in then you can copy and post what you wrote).

This is a difficult one. You have grounds for divorce but if there is repentance there these things can work provided there is forgiveness. The biggy is the trust factor and whether he is able to restore you trust in him. That takes the longest to build up but can be broken the quickest.

As a man the lack of sex might have been a big factor but that does not justify it of course. It just makes one more open to temptation.

Do you think you will ever trust him again? Sometimes there is genuine repentance but the offended spouse is unable to forgive. This takes the form of continuing playback in the mind and the holding of it over the other for ever more.

Really it is a case of whether he truly has repented and if so whether you are able to forgive. Although one can say yes I forgive it can take time to work this through.

What you can be sure of is that the marriage will never be the same just on it's own without dealing with the above, but that is really up to what his attitude is now and what your response will be.
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Old 22nd October 2010, 01:11 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

Rainbow
I am SO sorry about all of this, its so very painful for you. My husband also deeply betrayed me and the children (not an affair but similar) and my husbands wife also cheated on him.My dad cheated on my mum and both my brothers wives have cheated.(one 4 times)
Rainbow, I can understand totally why you are struggling. I have seen again and again the devastation that this causes. Its horrible and painful and devastating.

Some people cannot deal with this and some can. Do you definetly want this marriage to continue? If you do then why not try counselling again?. Maybe even see a counsellor alone for a time as well. Why do you think it made things worse going to counselling?Would it maybe help for you to have a time apart, say 3 months, to get your head together?

The thing is that you have suffered a terrible bereavement of sorts and a deep betrayal of trust. You have also has a husband who has lied to you and decieved you for a year. This isnt something that will go away after only 3 months. He not only broke yout trust physically and emotionally,but told her your personal and intimate secrets, and that is another betrayal.

If you are sure that the marriage should carry on, then it will take a lot of time for you to recover and regain any trust. Some marriages can be very good again I hear after adultery.To be honest,some people just cant bring themselves to stay with the spouse that cheated, and I can understand that totally. I looked at another website recently that may help, its called divorce busters.com or something similar and has a lot about recovery after affairs and this website here has many good articles that may help as well.

If your husband had died, would you expect to be over it in a few months?This is, in my opinion, worse than a physical bereavement, and you need to be patient with yourself, and kind to yourself.
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Old 23rd October 2010, 05:46 PM   #4
Rainbow
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

Thanks Raymond and Chosen for the advice. Its really appreciated right now.
I cannot talk with my son or daughter about this as they now say they don't want to take sides.
My husband is a company Director and runs his own business which takes him away for days on end, hence staying in hotels.

That is where he met THIS TART as i call her and they kept on seeing her for a year. I cannot get over the deceit, lies, betrayal etc which was kept up in all that time especially with me being so poorly he said he would NEVER EVER have an affair.

He also did so much with her sexually that we have never done, even when i was well. Sorry if TMI!!.

When i took him back my sex life came back big time and we both realized how much we loved on another but now i cannot stand him near me!!

I will never divorce him as i cannot imagine a life without him.
It just this sick feeling constantly in the pit of my stomach eating away at me all the time.

I just wish i could wipe the past year out but i now thats not possible.
I agree its like a bereavement but worse than that.

I think i need to do some serious thinking to see what i do want in life.
Finally i do trust him and know he would never cheat on me again.
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Old 23rd October 2010, 08:04 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

I think you have let thoughts weedle away within you Rainbow. If you trust him and know he won't cheat again then something needs to happen in you. Forgiveness is the major thing and that means forgetting. I trust you have his repentance. I know you can never forget it in once sense as it happened and is part of your memory. What I mean is forgetting it on purpose and stopping the playback and jealousy. This will take time but it is the only way forward I can see. If you hadn't had his repentance I would never advise this. Forgiveness is part of life. We all need it when we are sorry and none of us are perfect. I know we are talking about a major thing here but the principle is the same.

The alternative is to divorce him but you don't want to do that and if you trust him now you have to go forward and not stay in a halfway house. I agree with you. having done that you now need to mend the relationship and make it so that you can receive him.
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Old 26th October 2010, 11:09 PM   #6
jools
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

Oh God, Rainbow. There is no easy answer here. I've been through something similar, so I know how you feel. 39 years! That's awful! There's no easy answer because what you want is something you can't have - the fidelity that you both once shared. He has broken something that can NEVER be fixed. The best you can hope for is a new state of being between you; one that is acceptable to both of you. But you don't want that. You want what you had - but that's gone. Personally, once I knew that my husband had had feelings for someone else I knew that there was no way back - but it hasn't been easy. Maybe after a long time you could learn to forgive. I don't know. Personally, though, I think your son and daughter should take sides - and it's your side that they should be on! But my thoughts are with you. Good luck.
Jools XX
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Old 28th October 2010, 10:47 AM   #7
Rainbow
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Red face Re: My husband had a affair!!

Hi Jools, thanks for the advice its so much appreciated and not be judged.
I am so fed up with people saying to me that i should forgive etc but sorry no two situations are the same and what one person may do another may not.

We had so so many years of happiness in all those 39 years and i never once thought he would ever look at another woman never mind have an affair......... Its ruined everything we had together, the trust, the lies, the betrayal and how he lived a double life for a year and i never knew.
Forgot to mention my son and daughter work for their dad too so when this happened they both moved in with me for a week as i threw him out and they also didn't go to work either.!!

Yes i have taken him back and it may be only 3 months but it feels as if it didn't really happen if that makes sense and i am having difficulty believing that it did.!! Sorry just so mixed up.

We are both starting all over again and making new memories together but its so hard to do somedays for me.
We are going away for the weekend, just the two of us to try and have some US time.

I would like to say to anyone reading this PLEASE don't ever think of having an affair!!!!!!!! It the worst thing that can ever happen to you.
I have lost close family members and nothing compares to the betrayal of an affair and all the hurt etc it causes.
I have also had some family members that don't bother with is anymore as they think i am stupid to take him back.
As i said they don't know the full circumstances here as to why i have taken him back.
Thanks again.
Julie x
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Old 28th October 2010, 04:39 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

rainbow I totally agree about adultery. Its so awful and so tragic.I also agree that such a betrayal can be worse then loosing your spouse through death.
I do commend you for sticking with it, I dont think that I could. As has been said, it will never be the same, but people do say that it can be good again.Many do survive it and many dont. If your husband is totally repentant, if he has stopped seeing her at all, and you want to make a go of it them I am sure eventually it will work out.

Forgiveness is so important though, BUT it will take a lot of time. Unforgiveness only damages the one not doing it. It will eat you up, but its very very hard. I know that for myself. To Forgive doesnt mean that what the person did didnt hurt you, or wasnt awful, it is just letting go that feeling of wanting to get back at them. You may also need to think about forgiving the other women as well, maybe that is even harder. Forgiving doesnt mean that you wont hurt any more, but that you are letting it go, but as I said it takes a long time.

Be patient with yourself. You have already done so well by being able to trust him again. For many that can take years, if it ever happens, so well done for that.The healing will be gradual and will take a lot of time and effort on both your parts.

Its sad that some of you family are angry with him, but you can totally understand that. Could you not see them without him for the time being?
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Old 15th November 2010, 11:51 AM   #9
honeybeee
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

Hello rainbow-i know EXACTLY how you feel...i am still having trouble and it is 2 years later-if you read my previous posts you will see my situation.i know, you cannot believe that the person you have all those memories with,building a family,a home and all those years together could do the worst possible act of betrayal and hurt to you.you wonder who he is after all these years...that you did'nt even really know him.especially telling that other slag all your personal details-my husband did the same.so it was'nt just the sexual betrayal it was emotional and love as well.its like our marriage meant absolutely nothing to him that he was prepared to carry on and do disgusting stuff with that other whore.if it was a one night stand or a drunken mistake it would be so much easier to forgive.i dont think i can forgive,even though i want to-i know what you mean.how can i forgive what he has done,ruined our marriage and breaking my heart ? reading jools post made me cry...i hope you can make it and be happy again,you have had more years together than me so your marriage must be stronger.maybe it was your husbands way of coping with your illness?i'm not making excuses for the lying cheating scumbag (sorry!) but trying to make you feel better.it does help knowing there are other people out there like you,it is a lot more common than you think.hope you cope okay and keep your chin up!
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Old 29th November 2010, 01:55 PM   #10
moggie1502
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Re: My husband had a affair!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow View Post
Hi everyone,
I just posted a very long thread and lost it!!!!!!!!!!

So will have to keep this brief as in alot of pain.

My husband of 39 years admitted to an affair in July of this year (after i found out, long story) and my life has been turned upside down.
The affair lasted a year and he immediately broke it off.

However i have a serious illness which i have had for many years and the intimate side of things went out the window.

The coming days/weeks were horrendous and only those that have had this happen to them will understand what i went through and also all my family. I have two married children and four precious grandchildren.

Well i took him back 2 months ago and yes i know its early days etc but i now seem to be stuck and cannot move on.
All i see every hour of every day is the sick images of them together and what they talked about.
You see he told her many private things about me and told me so many things ( oh i needed to know)!! They loved one another you see.

He will do anything for me to put this right but i can't move on at all.
We have had councelling and it made things worse.
He had broken every single marriage vow and my trust etc and i cannot live like this anymore.

I shall come back later and talk more if thats ok but right now in alot of pain.
Thankyou for reading. J.
I have just joined this forum and can't believe how much I can relate to most of what has been written. At first when it happens you think you are the only one but soon realise that sadly that is not the case. We have also been married 38 years but fortunately for me it was not a love affair and, although spanned an 18month period, the meetings etc were very infrequent. However it does't lessen the hurt of betrayal and deceit etc. Would be interested to hear how you are feeling now
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Old 29th November 2010, 02:22 PM   #11
moggie1502
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

I have just joined this forum and can't believe how much I can relate to most of what has been said so far. I discovered my husband of 38 years had a relationship with a girl half his age while visiting his sister overseas. Over the 18month period they met again and exchanged texts albeit infrequently. He assures me he did not love her but just found her fun and good company, however for me that doesn't make the hurt and deceit any less. He has told me anything and everything I have asked him and needless to say it is now over. There will be no more visits to his sister and he is willing to make that sacrifice. He is so full of remorse and regret and is so desperately trying to make amends although he has never been able to explain to me or himself why he did it. We are now trying to move forward but I too am finding it increasingly hard to deal with the constant reminders and painful images that remain in my head. I am forever re-living the periods when the meetings took place and relating back to what I was doing at those times. I hate myself for being so trusting and oblivious to what was going on and can't believe that I did not realise. I read somewhere that you long for amnesia and I know exactly what they mean. I just wish I could forget what I now know and get on with the rest of our lives.
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Old 29th November 2010, 02:42 PM   #12
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: My husband had a affair!!

moggie welcome here. I hope that you find it helpful.
How long ago was this?
Please dont hate yourself for trusting him. That is what we are supposed to do, trust our spouses. Up till then he had given you no reason not to trust him. I am so sorry for your pain, it must be so hard. Did you ever have counselling together? It may help for you to be able to talk about it, and let him know how much you are still suffering.
I am a great believer in setting strong boundaries for married people with the opposite sex, and because of what your husband has done, this is even more important now.

I was deeply betrayed by my ex husband(in a different way) and it takes a very long time to recover from something like this, so dont be hard on yourself that you are still suffering pain. Its true that a marriage can never be the same, but for some it can be good again.


Maybe you can both visit his sister next time?
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Old 29th November 2010, 06:18 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

Broken trust is a devastating thing and will take time to rebuild. I would say it is a good sign that he is repentant and in remorse about it. He obviously needs your forgiveness for the marriage to get back on an even keel. This will take time but from your post it appears that the building blocks are there. If he is serious in wanting to repair things you will come to a stage of not only forgiveness but also forgetting in the sense of stopping the playbacks. This will not necessarily be automatic but may indeed take an effort from you Moggie.
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Old 1st December 2010, 07:57 PM   #14
moggie1502
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

I can't thank you people enough for your replies and I take so much comfort from knowing that there are others who have experienced similar. I value everbody's opinion as I swing regularly from trying to look at things rationally to being totally absorbed by the memories and hurt and I continue to search for some understanding. All this was only discovered in July of this year and although it all came out following a discussion about something else, he tells me now that it was going to all come out soon anyway. Unfortunately for me I will never know if that would have been the case. He assures me he never stopped loving me and sometimes I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. I just can't get my head round how he could do it and still love me. I still ask the odd question, which he always answers, and even though I realise I may not like the answers, it doesn't stop me wanting to know. The reason I have never accompanied him before is that sadly I cannot tolerate the heat and I don't think I could go now anyway because of the associated memories. Please keep in touch, this is helping me so much.
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Old 1st December 2010, 08:30 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: My husband had a affair!!

Moggie I can totally understand that you wonder how he can do that if he loves you. I would wonder that as well, bacuse if you love someone surely you dont do something that would greatly hurt them do you?
When my mother discovered my fathers affair, he told her that he loved both of them, and while he stayed with my mum, he carried on seeing the OW and married her after mums sudden traumatic death.
Maybe its something that we will never understand.

Dont worry about swinging between feelings and logic and emotions, its all part of adjusting to the shock and the trauma. July is very recent, only 4 months ago, and thats nothing really, so be patient with yourself. These things take a long time to get through.

I can also relate to wanting to know everything. I am like that also, I need to know the facts and details before I can accept it and move on. My husband is different in that he doesnt need to know things like that. I would rather know all the details no matter how much they hurt, than to think that things were being kept from me. Compete honesty and openess is vital for me.

I really admire people like you and rainbow who stay in the marriage, and try to work it out. I hope and pray that neither of you will regret it, and that things can be good again one day.
I think I am too cynical after seeing practically every marriage on my family destroyed by lying cheating and betrayal. However, I do know a few marriages that have survived adultery, and they seem OK.
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