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Old 1st October 2009, 05:45 PM   #31
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

A good sign that he is phoning morning and evening but what do you actually want? Remember what I said about Limboland. Are you waiting for something more to happen? Are the signs of repentance there? If so you will need to decide whether you now want to work at it, which will involve you being willing to forgive and forget, which also means turning off the playback. I do not say this lightly but if you are going to move on this has to be faced at some point. I don't want to pressure you but moving forward will be along those lines when you are up to it.

If he is making light of the betrayal then it won't work but if he isn't and is trying his best there is hope for your marriage.

Raymond
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Old 5th October 2009, 12:18 PM   #32
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

I am so confused as how to move forward, some days i want to really work at my marraige and other times I want him out of my life for good.
H came home for the night and we had the biggest argument which became physical (me not him) which I have never done in my life I am not normally so aggresive, which really worries me. Although now I have seen what our lives are really like at the moment and see that things need to change.
So now I really need to think about what I want and not be in limboland as raymond sayed and not go over and over the same things (which started the arguement).

How do you move forward I have been thinking about this alot and I do not know where to start?
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Old 5th October 2009, 05:51 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

You are still hurt Coolicrumble. That is very understandable. I'm saying the way forward but you are not at that stage yet. In a way I am glad you are ranting at him. I think he needs to know how serious it really is, but you cannot stay there forever. There will come a time, and you will know when this is, where you will have to make a decision whether to carry on with the marriage or end it. I think it depends on his attitude to what happened.

I have talked about his repentance and won't go into that again, but what do you think his attitude is at the moment? Do you think he is sorry and wants to make it up to you? These are enormous problems I know. I never underestimate adultery. It is devastating. The trust goes out of the window and there is no quick fix, but there will be over time if you think it is going to be worth it. If it is there will be things you have to do as well.

Raymond
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Old 12th October 2009, 11:36 AM   #34
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Well last night brought the final end to our marriage. We were discussing calmly what went on in his affair and he was saying how he did not get out of it what he thought and after 3-4 weeks he realised it was me and our family he wanted.

Me being me I accused him of lying and said he must of got something out of it or it wouldn't have gone on so long and he eventually told me there was something and he has never been kissed like that before, so passionatley and deeply! So I just lost the plot and feel that is the biggest kick I have had I have taken many knocks in this process but this is the final thing.
I am not going to take any more sh** from him and have asked him to tell our girls (14,16) that he had an affair and to move out.

I feel totally heart broken all over again. I will now have to be strong for my girls and I do not know if I can, which makes me so upset thinking about it.

Any advice would be so much appreciated.
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Old 12th October 2009, 05:50 PM   #35
jools
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Hi Coolircrumble
I don't come on here much as I'm a survivor from 3 years ago. I pushed my H out when I discovered his "special friend". The reason I wanted to respond to you is that my two daughters were the same age as yours when it happened. I'm sure your daughters are aware of far more than you think. They'll have noticed that you've been sad (and probably your weight loss too) and that there are problems with your husband. But you are right to try to shield them. When I was at my lowest ebb I made the mistake of occasionally criticising their father. In retrospect I can see how some of my comments stung them ("your so called father!" type comments). I think they need the "facts" (dad's had an affair) but without too much judging on your part. They're old enough to make their own judgements - and believe me, he will get the worst of it.

You are so lucky to have your daughters. You're right - it is so sad for them to have their family divided, and I was so angry with my H for doing it to them. Especially when I thought that he's spoiled everything for a cheap, meaningless thrill. They can be so STUPID sometimes!

Anyway, head up. Whichever way you decide to go, you will get through this. Took me three years to really feel like my old self (100% independent as opposed to one half of a couple). I've got a lovely boyfriend (such a silly word for a woman my age!) who I see every weekend as he lives away and life is great. My daughters saved my sanity in the early days. They see their dad when they want a lift somewhere (harsh, but true) and I think it's sad that he's missed having meaningful time with them. I'm rambling now so I'm gonna get back on with my work (the reason I came on here). All the best - and I'll look in to see how you're getting on.
Love Jools XXXXXXX
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Old 13th October 2009, 01:25 PM   #36
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Coolicrumble I am at work and can only make a quick comment. My initial feeling, not going into it too deeply just now, is that sudden decisions made in haste when we are hurt never work out. I would counsel to calm down and consider things in your right mind. If you come to the same decision fair enough but don't act in haste unless you are very sure.

Maybe he was being honest which you wanted him to be. It wasn't right as you are his wife not her. The question is what do you do with this information he disclosed? He is unlikely to share anything like that again and perhaps he should have considered your feelings before disclosing that unhelpful bit of information, but you did push him to.

Raymond
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Old 13th October 2009, 02:42 PM   #37
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Coolicrumble Raymond is so so right, do not make a decision when you are feeling the way you are, wait until the shock of what he has said has subsided and take stock.

The thing is we ask all of these questions (been there, done it ) but we are not fully prepared sometimes for the answers we get. My H told me had said to the ow he loved her, he was leaving me, he was only staying because of our son, all of this stuff killed me when i heard it, but will i let that ruin 21 yrs of m or perhaps 21yrs more, no i wont. The reason is that i know I love my H i just don't love the stupid thing he did. Take your time remember....act in haste repent at leisure...Stay strong and decide only when you are sure thats what you want long term.
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Old 13th October 2009, 07:01 PM   #38
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Stolen kisses may seem sweeter for a while because one is not committed and just indulging ones feelings. The basis of it is built on unfaithfulness and cheating. It is a deception really and the end result has a bite that can ruin your marriage and ruin you.

Your husband was probably flattered Coolicrumble. I think the question is what does he think now. Maybe he was sharing with you how he felt at the time until he saw through it?

I wouldn't put much store on it Coolicrumble. There can be a thrill to cheating if you are being blind but the crunch comes sooner or later. She hasn't a patch on you as you are legitimately married to him and have provided faithfulness and a loving home and family for many years which is worth it's weight in gold. It is becoming a valued commodity these days the way things seem to be going.

So long as he knows it is wrong and has shown some repentance I would think twice before throwing him out. I hope he has really learned from this error but only you can judge the truth of it and act accordingly.

Raymond
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Old 19th October 2009, 03:58 PM   #39
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

well I took your advice and didn't throw him out and the girls still do not know what is going on, although I am sure they have suspected something. I decided to go away for a few nights with my girls as a treat for them and also I thought the break away from home would do me good. My h was left at home as he was working in the area for a week but I hoped that us being out of the house would make him realise what it is like for us.
He phoned every evening and saying that he missed us all , but I still have doubts about the whole situation.
He is now away to work for two weeks and I was glad that he left. I hoped to get my life in order, whether it on my own with the girls or with my h and girls as a family. BIG DECISION.
I now realise that he is sorry and really regrets everything and if he could go back in time he would change things.
His reason on having the affair was he thought I didn't love him anymore he say he always loved me. So if he loved my so much why did he cheat???

Well enough of my ramblings I don't know what I would do with out this site and being able to hear other peoples stories and advice.
thanks again x
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Old 19th October 2009, 07:05 PM   #40
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

There are good signs there if you wanted to work at it Coolicrumble. He seems to know it was wrong and regrets it so the repentance seems there. You are obviously still smarting understandably, but if it's going to work in the long run forgiveness will be called for from you. That means wiping the slate clean and not bringing it up or going over playback. You seem to be hovering in the middle still and I know why. The trust will take time to be built up again. You really need to keep talking with each other but I know you need a break and time alone as well.

Why did he cheat? There was no excuse reallyas far as I can see. People do stupid things sometimes. If they learn from their mistakes it can bode well for the future.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 19th October 2009 at 07:10 PM.
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Old 28th October 2009, 02:01 PM   #41
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Well h is back this week-end and I thought that my mind would be clearer but it isn't. I have not actually missed him, which I feel is a worry as I don't know how i am going to accept him back it to our home and every day lives.
He still has been phoning every morning and evening and I know the girls have missed him very much.
I know now that all the "sorry's" and the "never do anything like that again" does not change the fact that he he did do it, he did cheat and lie for these weeks and he cannot take that back.
Can I move on from this I really so not know.
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Old 28th October 2009, 06:28 PM   #42
Ageing Grace
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

It is hard, Coolircrumble, as I'm sure you've seen in the many threads where couples have tried to rebuild their marriage after an affair. You'll need a heck of a lot of reassurance - in actions, not just words - and it may be quite a while before you stop thinking about it all the time. It's important that he understands this!

One suggestion is to have some idea of what you really want & need in your marriage NOW. Sometimes, errant partners don't know how to begin making up for their betrayal; they just expect things to go back the way they were. It's more positive, for both of you, to start again from here.

If you'd only recently got together - and you had been badly hurt by your ex - he would take that on board. He'd probably take extra steps to build your trust in him, like always being where he says he is, including you in everything, and so on. Right now, he may be the 'ex' who betrayed you but he's also the guy who wants to build your trust! Explain that you now feel insecure about him, and ask for the assistance you need. If he cares for you, he should willingly support you.

If you can (OK, this is really hard!), try to think of your reconciliation more as a new relationship than as a broken old one. It's an opportunity for you both to discuss what you want for your lives going forward. It could - just! - lead to a far happier family, with greater fulfilment for you both

All the stuff you've being doing, to rediscover who YOU are and where YOU'RE going, has left you a stronger and more centred person. Good for you! Please keep up the good work, Coolircrumble. Hopefully you'll inspire him to do the same

Above all, care for yourself as well as your family.

Let us know how things go on!
AG x
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Old 29th October 2009, 08:48 AM   #43
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Sounds good advice to me. It seems as if you have been alienated by the situation and AG is right about starting afresh, a bit like building again after a tornado. The biggest thing to me is the trust. If you can feel that after it all there is hope but it does take time. What will stop the progress is bitterness or unforgiveness. If that is not going to be there then neither is the marriage. Whether he is worth another chance is up to you.

Raymond
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Old 4th November 2009, 12:40 PM   #44
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

I cannot believe how kind everyone has been on here the advice has been so helpful and hearing other peoples point of view have been an enormous help.

I have decided to try and make it work with my h, this is a huge step from me. He has always wanted this from the minute I found out. I am trying to put the past behind us and move forward but I know to give us a chance I need to let go which is really hard.
In the back of my mind is that he is getting away with having an affair and there has been no real punishment for him. I know this is wrong and he has suffered with seeing myself and our families hurt by what he has done but I feel I am making all the sacrifice and he is getting away with it! I know he doesn't see it like this and keeps saying he will never let me down again but it is hard.

Thanks again all xx
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Old 4th November 2009, 01:15 PM   #45
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Thats the whole point of forgiveness Coolicrumble. You forgive following their repentance. If you are keeping in your mind punishment or judgment then it is not forgiveness. If you are going to do it you need to try and do it properly. He already knows it is wrong. You cannot play God. Don't worry about him suffering. He would have suffered believe me. At the moment he needs forgiveness and acceptance. We all do when we have got it wrong.

The christian principles are helpful in this which shows that christ paid the price for our sins which can be forgiven when we come to him on repentance. No we don't deserve it and God is a just God. Sin deserves punishment. But because God is love he has accepted his sons payment for our sins. I don't understand it but I accept it by faith and found that it is true.

What does God do when our sins are forgiven? He accepts us as if we had never sinned and wipes the slate clean.

This is a similar principle in your marriage. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. None of us do. But love has mercy where there is repentance. If you can do it for him you won't overly be condemning yourself when you have got it wrong but will be able to forgive yourself. Don't for the life of me worry about vengeance that belongs to God only as he has said.

Raymond
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