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Old 23rd August 2009, 08:18 PM   #91
nix192
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

crush
i am going through an experience very simular to you,but ive only found out he has been with her for the last month even though they have been together 8 months now.
he is moving 4 hours away from me and our children to be with her in a couple of weeks,and i just find it hard to understand that after 21 years together and we have been through so much that he can just forget us and move on.
i hope that in time after consentrating on myself and our children i will get strong and believe what he has done was for the best.
good luck in your job.and i wish you all the best for the future.
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Old 24th August 2009, 08:06 AM   #92
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thanks nix192 it is so hard to accept isn't it that all of the years you spend with someone they can betray you so badly. They change beyond all recognition. They always think the grass is greener but this is not usually the case. Don't know if you have read all my thread but my h didl eave ow a few weeks ago but ended up going back but he did spill the beans on their relationship and I know it is not built on firm foundations, far from it. But time will time as with all of them I guess.

It is the lies and deceit that you have to try to come to terms with after so many years together the trust is built up and I know my h never lied or cheated before. It must be so hard for you know you were deceived for so long. The trouble is if you take them back in the future the trust has long gone and so has the respect and love. I wont ever forgive my h for what he has put me and his children through and he does not deserve it either.
Take care.
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Old 24th August 2009, 09:42 AM   #93
nix192
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

crush
as with you a couple of weeks ago my huband came home from hers early apparently all they were doing was rowing and hed had enough. i listend to him telling me that they were rowing all the time and he even said he thought he wanted to come home to us.but they have since got back together and now he is moving up there.and now he tells me that every row they had was about me because she apparently cant deal with him having a wife and ive also been told by his sister that she is very insecure and is worried he will come back to me seeing as hes done it 8 times before.i think thats why hes moving up there to show her we are over,but like ive told him they are not going to stop rowing just cause hes moved away from me,they obviously have issues themselves.
it felt good at firstto know that they wernt as rock solid as i was led to belive but i dont know wether i really care anymore.when things get tough for him now he will have no-one as he is also leaving everyone close to him family and friends as well.the thing i hate most is i have visions of her thinking hes mine now,as she has him all to herself but no-one can take our years together and deleate them like they never happend.i think this is what hes trying to do but i hope it will all come back and bite him in the bum when hes feeling down.thanks again for your support .
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Old 25th August 2009, 08:47 PM   #94
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Well my h is looking forward to his holiday with his new family, they are going abroad for a couple of weeks I think. Our children are envious of course as he has not been anywhere with them this year. He is just "living" his new life at the moment until it all comes crashing down again, which I am sure it will in time.

He does put on a brave face though, he would not want me to know what he was thinking now would him but I do know what has been going on and I guess he has to feel really stupid in telling it all to me.

Our divorce is going through now, don't know how long it will take and I know there is no going back at least for me that is. I know I could never trust, respect or love him the way I used to and because of that cannot ever be with him again. As sad as it is I have faced the reality and look forward to happier times.
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Old 25th August 2009, 10:37 PM   #95
MSC71
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Quote:
Originally Posted by crush View Post
Well my h is looking forward to his holiday with his new family, they are going abroad for a couple of weeks I think. Our children are envious of course as he has not been anywhere with them this year. He is just "living" his new life at the moment until it all comes crashing down again, which I am sure it will in time.

He does put on a brave face though, he would not want me to know what he was thinking now would him but I do know what has been going on and I guess he has to feel really stupid in telling it all to me.

Our divorce is going through now, don't know how long it will take and I know there is no going back at least for me that is. I know I could never trust, respect or love him the way I used to and because of that cannot ever be with him again. As sad as it is I have faced the reality and look forward to happier times.


Good , just keep focusing on yourself and you will be happier in the end...
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Old 26th August 2009, 09:19 PM   #96
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thanks MSC71 I am really trying to do just that, it is hard though I have to admit.

H came today with a full itinery up till 2011 of dates he wants the kids including sleepovers xmas times etc. I just was gobsmacked. I told him we have to be flexible with all of this, yes he can have kids every other saturday night for sleepovers I don't need it all put into writing I am not stupid. I feel it is again another way of control. He is telling me what weekends I can be free etc. Whilst I do not have a problem with him seeing the children, I have never stopped him once yet I feel that ow and him are setting my life for me and still feel he is dictating to me and I have to go along with all he says. I hate the way he makes me feel I want to be in control just a bit and feel I can make choices.

Whenever I say anything he just turns it around to make me feel like it is me that has the problem whereas if he could just "go with the flow" and make it more harmonious I am sure we would all be fine. I do try not to let him get to me in this way but he always does. I always feel like I it is him and ow against me and feel they always come out stronger. I long for the day when it is me telling him whats what and feeling more confident and in control of things. Just when I think I feel stronger he always manages to bring me down again and I just hate it.
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Old 27th August 2009, 04:14 PM   #97
jools
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Quote:
I long for the day when it is me telling him whats what and feeling more confident and in control of things. Just when I think I feel stronger he always manages to bring me down again and I just hate it.
I just want to say "Well don't let him bring you down and dictate to you!" But I know you must still be pretty vulnerable as this only happened in May. Refuse to allow him to tie you to dates and if he doesn't like that then tough sh**! I mean, what can he actually do if you refuse to allow him to control your life? Are you reliant on him for money? Your confidence and sense of control will improve with time but you need to put him in his place and don't let his reaction bother you.
Jools XX
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Old 3rd December 2009, 09:42 PM   #98
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi, I have not posted on here for a while. Well my story remains very much the same. Ex is still with ow but I am convinced it is not all it seems but then he wouldn't tell me otherwise. My decree nisi is now through and waiting on the absolute. Problems continue now with the financial side of things, I am desparately trying to keep the house on my own as my kids just don't want to move. He reduced his maintenance back in Sept by 200.00 per month but did not think to tell me about it. My account looks really sick now!! My own fault I guess I should have checked but with everything that is going on right now I just trusted him - how stupid of me.

Well his parents have completely shut me out, did not even remember my birthday. I have found out that they along with ex and my kids all went to dinner at ow mothers house. They have accepted her and can see no wrong. I just feel so betrayed by them I have known them for 20 years and could understand if I have done the leaving.

He still sees the kids but has dropped every other sunday on the head as he wants a weekend to himself!!! Its the kids that miss out of course every time. He is messing me around regarding my job as I work shifts and he lets me down at the last minute regarding have the kids and taking them to childminders.

I thought by now - nearly 9 months later that my life would be starting to turn itself around. But no I still cry a lot at the unfairness of it all. I have been going out with friends, but of course now they don't call as often as they think I am ok now. How wrong they all are. I am dreading xmas but have to put on a brave face for the kids. Ex is not coming round on xmas morning to see them open their presents - how can he not!!! He will be with ow and her kids playing happy families and ours miss out. God what goes around comes around has got to happen soon as I hate the injustice of it all.

I know I have said many times on here that my life has to get better and when I read other peoples threads they do seen so much sadder than mine but understand that only I can be the master of my own destiny I just need the strength and the willpower to do it. I will succeed I know it I just don't know when.
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Old 4th December 2009, 02:12 AM   #99
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi Crush

QUOTE I know I have said many times on here that my life has to get better and when I read other peoples threads they do seen so much sadder than mine but understand that only I can be the master of my own destiny I just need the strength and the willpower to do it. I will succeed I know it I just don't know when.)

I can so relate to what you're saying. I feel the same way, just taking a long time to move on (2yrs). Sometimes I have a break and things start to work out life gets better then I fall in a heap. I have faith that life will get better and that keeps me going. Just wish things would move a little faster.

I think for me it's wanting answers that I'll never get and a second chance, after his betrayl and lies I would still take him back, just to have the comfort of being in a familiar relationship. Yet in my heart I know I deserve better that what I had, just can't find the energy to look for it.

It must be awful for you still having to deal with your H through your children, seems he's very selfish not wanting to be with them on Christmas day prefering to be with ow and her kids than his own kids. I agree what goes round comes round, and he'll get what he deserves. Same with my H.

Sending lots of good energy and vibes your way
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Old 4th December 2009, 09:16 AM   #100
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thanks Jellybean for you reply. I unlike you did get all my answers when he came back to me in July. He sat down and just poured it all out. Because of that I know he cannot be as happy as he would like me to think. I would not have him back as like you say the trust had gone. He ultimately went back because he could not bear to be on his own to sort himself out, if he had who knows.......

He is incredible selfish as they all seem to become he is not the same person I knew and do not like him for it at all. I do have good days now but hate things the way they are and would wish it to be as it once was but I not that can never be and that is what scares me the most. What will become of us will I ever learn to trust anyone again. I do hope so just not at the moment.
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Old 5th December 2009, 08:13 AM   #101
jellybean28
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

QUOTE)What will become of us will I ever learn to trust anyone again. I do hope so just not at the moment.

I'm just beginning to trust again, not so much men, but family and a couple of friends, they have allowed me to open up, cry rant and rave if I want to and just been there without judgement or talking about our conversations with others. My older sister is furious with my H and and the way he has treated me, she feels I've been to nice to him in regards to financial matters. From that I've realized my sister cares for more than I thought she did. If I did take H back I think she along with my kids would have me committed lol Which I can understand, it's just the lonelyness at night time which causes me to want my old life back - which in all truth wasn't the great for the last 3-4years before we split, plus the loss of a nice lifestyle, with no money worries. Still I'm begining to realize just how smart and capable I am, much better with money than he ever was!!

I have to say there are days when I would like to curse my ex. Someone gave me a card with an old curse on it, I can only remember one line of it which said "May the flees of a thousand camels infest your armpits". Not good Karma to wish bad things to other people and probably a bit childish, but helps lift me up sometimes. Although if I was really going to curse him it would be that his Harley got infested with something or heaven forbid, someone would walk past it and scratch it. The love he has for that bike is almost obscene, oh well if it doesnt work out with OW his always got his bike.

Funny how some of these men hit a certain age and become so selfish, and someone women as well, after reading so many posts here. It's as if one night they go to bed Aliens sneek in while there sleeping and give them a brain transplant or something. That's the only explanation I can come up with.


With the support we get here we will be fine and one day we will find the love we deserve, when our spirits have healed.
Take care crush
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Old 5th December 2009, 03:44 PM   #102
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

I agree with you Jellybean, my ex has become so selfish yet cannot see it. He has changed so much that I barely recognise him I wondered if he was going through a mlc but even that does not excuse his behaviour.

Yes it is the lonlieness that kills you having no one to talk to and I crave adult company. There is so much I miss yet can never have it back nor would I allow myself to if the situation arose knowing what I know now about him.

This site is so supportive and has helped me a great deal. People with their own problems yet offering advise and support is invaluable, and yes we will find the love we deserve one day.
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Old 4th January 2010, 09:52 PM   #103
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Well, circumstances have finally changed. Ex has left ow, for now at least, he says he will not be going back. He has not asked to come back here but after the last time I don't think he would dare. He is back with his parents for now but wants to get a place of his own. He will not talk about what has happened but has been round here at the weekend late at night to see kids and I was mad a myself for allowing him to do so.

He still has no remorse or guilt for what he did and is still laying all the blame at my door. He wants money from me now as I am still in the marital home. He expects me to go into debt to set him up as he "needs a life". Don't we all!! He is still such a selfish man I cannot believe I never saw it during our marriage. Our divorce is almost final now but am waiting on the financial side to be sorted out.

What has annoyed me the most is that ow still has her life and will contine as normal she has her own house left by her husband after they divorced!!! We are the ones that lose out again as we both have nothing. I still don't feel much better 10 months down the line as much as I try he always comes back in and makes me feel bad. The trouble now is I am going to be tied to this house for as long as my children are at school because if I decide to sell and move on he wants his 50% out of the house. I cannot buy anything at all with what is left even having a mortgage to help fund it so again I just feel trapped. I so want to move on with my life but feel he will have the control as he always has.

He has lost friends because of what he has done. His parents have nothing to do with me anymore and that has hurt me so much as I am the victim here not him. I expected them to support him but their behaviour has also been so cruel. They accepted ow into their lives and did not look back but now she is out of the loop so to speak I only hope they sleep at nights.

I wanted 2010 to be our year, me and the kids, and it has not been a great start so far so am hoping things can get better.
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Old 4th January 2010, 10:33 PM   #104
Ageing Grace
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Oh, Crush, how miserable for you.

As you say, he's showing himself up to be a selfish jerk I know you must be all over the place with yourself at the moment ... but please try to be more businesslike for the next few months, where he's concerned! It sounds like you need good, strong advice on your settlement - he can "start his new life" on considerably less than it costs to keep a family, put them through school & send them to college!!! Also, see if you can get your access agreement firmed up so you don't have to let him wander into your house in the middle of the night.

This is a horrible, horrible time for you and you really do need to build yourself up as much as possible. Have girly treats, catch up with your friends and take the children out (luckily, kids are generally happy enough with cheap days out!) Get your good view of yourself back, because all his dithering has left you drained.

You loved him, offered him loads of second chances and he blew them all. He couldn't even keep his girlfriend Perhaps he was a Prince when you married him, but now he's a Frog (what on earth had you been eating before you kissed him??!!)

You however, are still a Princess.

Love and luck,
AG
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Old 5th January 2010, 03:28 AM   #105
georgie
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Oh crush i just lost a long post to you!!
Selfish is just to mild a word. MLC - yes but who cares it doesnt make the chaos they cause any better.
Mine is currently challenging having to pay minimum child support while his Fiance (yes he did just leave here 10 mths ago!) models the big sparkler he's bought her, they plan their big Russian Orthodox Wedding, and get ready to move in to the new home they've just bought!!
He has yet to even tell our kids she is more then a friend, they only found out she existed on Boxing Day!
He tells the kids he cant buy them things because I owe him money???
50% to your X - NO WAY. It doesnt matter what he says he wants, he only gets what he's entitled to and more importantly you get what you are entitled to - which is a lot more then 50%. If he follows form he will now commence bullying, manipulation and everything else he can think of to get u to bend to his will. He may even try to convince u that if you could just show him what a nice co-operative woman you can be, he might consider coming back, mine tried that one!
You are so much better then him Crush. It's been a rocky start to the year for both of us, but lets keep faith in ourselves. We have what it takes to move on, no matter how long it takes, we can do it. We've kept our integrity, and now we see the true colours of all those that we shared our lives with. Its a hard lesson to learn. Look at how his parents treat u, the same as my in laws, and remember there the people your x learnt his values from.

Good luck. we can do this crush, its really hard but we're up to it. xxx
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